Tuesday, July 31, 2012

THAT didn't go as well as I had hoped.

My skills are rusty or perhaps they were nonexistent to begin with.  I just attempted a Facebook chat conversation with a hot guy I know IRL.  I've been crushing on him for months, only stepping back to allow my good friend to pursue him.  When she announced today that she was moving on, I received official permission to put him back on my radar.  It was promising tonight as he was on Facebook chat, which is a rarity.  I opened a conversation and rolled out my open-relationship-poly status.  It's a first step, if they don't know the open-status then I'm seen as married and off limits and therefore flirting is for naught and wasted energy.  I have to come out if I have any hope of getting someone interested. 

Here's how that went.  I revealed.  He signed off Facebook.  I think I struck out.  I've got crickets and cicadas over here.  I didn't even make it out like "I'm in an open relationship and I want to see your O face" (Which is totally the nickname I gave him early on, O, for O Face, 'cause I wanna see it.) I told him about my boyfriend, which is totally not something you tell someone you want to get up on, at least not right away.

It's been 40 minutes and he's completely vapor trailed.  Gone.  Dissipated into the Facebook ether from whence he came.  Clearly, I need to work on my skills.  I ain't got no game.

Oh well, I have a husband and a boyfriend and a Hitatchi Magic Wand.  I live a very satisfactory life over here.  One hot guy who can't handle the truth isn't enough to get me down.   Now, if I could just get those crickets to shut up.

...Post Script
There still lies some small shred of hope over here.  There were several times in the conversation that FB showed him typing where he ultimately said nothing.  As though he was starting to say something and rethinking it, before I rolled out the secret.  It's possible that he's intimidated by me and rolling out the secret was just too much and he signed off because he had no idea how to respond.  This is what the positive not-paranoid part of my brain says.  Not likely, but if I want to keep the hope that the kiss that I dreamed about might happen in real life, it's what I got.  In the meantime, can anyone recommend a book on picking up guys?  My track record over here is starting to suck.

I misjudged the situation entirely, at least from what he says.  Hours after I went to bed, O finally responded to my message.  He stated that he was cool with the open stuff and he did not intentionally sign off Facebook.  He also reiterated that he isn't able to date right now because of schedules.  This may have been directed at me.  It also may have been directed at a previous comment about my friend trying to date him.  (Most likely, my friend.  He knows she was interested.  All he knows is that I'm available.)  This is good news.  I'm a good person to date for people with busy schedules and he revealed that he is unattached.  He also said he's totally willing to hang out.  Now, to practice those skills I don't have...

My husband likes my boyfriend's brownies

The other day I went over to NMB's house to hang out with him and his wife.  Their daughter greeted me with a hug and a kiss when I walked in.  I just think that's really cool.  I love borrowing other people's kids.  I like knowing that she likes me and I'm not disrupting her life in some weird way when I show up and steal her dad's attention.  His wife made dinner.  I played Bananagrams with her while he made brownies.  He distracted us with the brownie batter on the beater.  We had brownies and after the kid was in bed, NMB and I made good use of the bedroom while his wife played video games in the next room.  That's code for sex, by the way.  I had sex with my boyfriend while his wife played video games in the next room.  Afterwards, we all played Cards Against Humanity.  Then I got a back rub.

Did you get all that?  I got dinner, games, brownie batter and brownies, sex, more games and a back rub.  All of that was in addition to great company for the evening.  This is what being poly gets me.  Life is good.  NMB sent me home with a couple brownies, one of which was meant for my hubby.  He liked it.  The fact that my husband likes my boyfriend's brownies makes me giggle.  As NMB said it, "There's not many people who can make that precise statement!"  I replied "It's a point of pride."

An observation I made while hanging out with NMB and family...  while I feel totally welcome and at ease around them both, I can see how hanging out with a married couple could be intimidating for someone who is dating one of them.  The inside jokes from the long shared history, the knowing what the other is thinking, the shared domestic activities...  those are a powerful part of a long term relationship that could be hard to see for someone on the outside with a romantic interest in one of them.  In my case, I liked seeing the two of them together.  They are cute.  I like seeing them interact in the same way that I like seeing any positive successful couple interact.  I have a similar situation in my life and it's easy for me to understand their connection.  However, for someone with no experience with marriage or a long term relationship, this could be difficult to understand and therefore intimidating.  I resolve to keep this in mind while meeting metamours in the future.  I hope to keep them as at ease as I am around NMB and family.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Discrimination and Chicken

Chick Fil A has better than average fast food.  They have golden wheat buns and I want to nom it.  There is a new location opening near me very soon.  I think it would be fun if a large number of the free chicken seekers were wearing T-shirts to support marriage equality, had rainbow flags draped over their tents or something of the like.   Something subtle that they can't be aggressive about.  No words.  No signs.  Just a subtle protest of their discriminatory messages.

Because here's the thing about Marriage Equality, if you are against it, you may as well be a racist.  Get out your pointy white hood.  Go ahead.  What?  You think that's an unfair comparison?  It's not.  It's a perfectly valid comparison and here's why.

Racism and homophobia are same level of hate. 

*Racists believe that one race is superior to another.  
*Christian conservatives believe that being straight is moral and righteous and being gay is a sin. 
Straight people are superior to gay people and gay people should strive to be as good as straight people.  Does this really sound okay to you when I read it back like that?  You can't be serious?  You actually believe that who you fall in love affects your value as a human being?  Are you starting to get my point?  Not yet?  Keep reading.

*No one can control what race they are born as. 
*No one can control who they are physically attracted to.
You can't discriminate based on a physical attribute like the color of someone's skin.  That would be wrong, right?  Being born gay is no different than being born Black or Hispanic or Asian or disabled.  It's not something that anyone has any control over and it's not something you remove rights for.

*Racist people believe that "separate but equal" is acceptable.
*People who are against marriage equality believe the same thing. 
Civil unions are great and I'm glad we have them and all, but they are not an acceptable solution.  Like black and white water fountains, some people must keep gay marriage separate from straight marriage.  If people see us using the same services, they won't understand that one is clearly different from the other and superior.  In other words, "Don't get your gay cooties all over my good traditional marriage with my third wife."  The separate-but-equal compromise isn't even acceptable to some of these bigots.  They don't want the gay cooties on anything that resembles marriage, because then something might go horribly wrong with all straight marriages everywhere.  I don't know what that is, but it might happen!

*It sounds silly now, but racist people used their religion to validate their hate.
*It sounds silly, but Christian conservatives right now use their religion to validate their hate. 
That white hood that I mentioned earlier?  Those people used the Bible and their religion to justify horrible actions that with the hindsight of history are clearly wrong.  Clearly. Wrong.  Got that?  Killing people because they are black and fighting against their struggle to be free and equal is wrong.  Just 50 years after the Civil Rights Movement and we mostly agree on this as a country.  However, for some reason we think it's okay for a religion to encourage and support hate of people who are gay.

The point here, if you haven't figured it out yet, is that if Chick Fil A was making donations to racist organizations, there would be no question of whether or not this is wrong.  We have finally decided as a culture that racism is wrong.  The gray area doesn't exist any more.  It's wrong to judge someone by the color of their skin.  It's wrong to judge them for their sexuality.  It's that cut and dry.  Marriage Equality is necessary for us to move on and grow as a country, just as abolishing racism was 50 years ago.  In the decades to come, I suspect that we will look back on this struggle as we look back at the Civil Rights Movement.  Our children won't believe how silly we were.  People who fought for discrimination will keep it to themselves as it will be something to be ashamed of.

The lure of tasty chicken on wheat buns shouldn't weigh into a decision about discrimination.   It took me a while to take a firm stance on this issue.  I waffled for want of waffle fries, but since drawing this comparison, I can't see it any other way.  The enticement of the new location won't outweigh my morals.  I'm putting away my wallet and supporting marriage equality instead of fried chicken and pickles.

All that said, if I were to wait with the First 100 and get the free year's worth, that would be okay, right?  Free chicken noms for me and no guilt about my money supporting hateful discrimination.  If I waited out the 24 hours wrapped in a rainbow flag, would it send the message I wish to send?  I'm not going to do it.  I have other plans that day, but I wish that someone would.


Friday, July 27, 2012

How Poly is Making Me a Better Person

I'm publishing this short analysis on the ways poly is making me a better person overall.  It's enriching my life in several ways and also affecting me to force positive change.  We're still only six months into this lifestyle, but we've learned a lot and intend to continue on indefinitely.  Here are some of the things poly has done for me lately.

I'm meeting new people and expanding my social circle.  
This is introducing me to new activities as well as new people.  I've been to burlesque shows, new restaurants, the houses of new friends... Since the main point of this is to expand my life experience, this fringe benefit is really valuable.  I'm not just expanding my sexual persona, I'm also expanding my friendships and connections.

Coming out creates a deeper connection with the friends and acquaintances I have. 
Something about taking the risk to tell someone something so personal and outrageous brings them closer to you and leads to them being more open with you.  I love intense conversation and deep personal connection and being poly is creating more of these situations in my life.

I have to work on negative emotions and develop new coping strategies to face the new challenges. 
Doing the sort of personal growth exercises necessary to make poly work is bound to make me a better person.  Facing head on and overcoming insecurity and jealousy, improving communication and intimacy, resolving conflict with friends and lovers...  these are challenges that force you to do emotional work and improve yourself.  You can't learn this stuff without living it.  Each negative emotion that I struggle with is molding me into a stronger person better able to cope with it the next time. 

I am naturally even more accepting of unconventional behavior. 
Being part of a fringe group means that I am experiencing what it feels like to be even weirder.  I've always been weird, but in a nerdy way, not in a sexual way.  Being weird in a sexual way is quite different in the eyes of society, just ask any gay person.  Since I've decided that staying completely closeted is not going to work for me, I've been coming out to select people in a one to one setting.  I choose to tell people who I see as non-judgemental and understanding.  Most importantly, I tell people who already know me as me and are thus more likely to accept me.  Being in this position, where I am now more than ever, likely to be judged by society for my behavior and beliefs, has made me more empathetic towards other fringe groups.  I was always accepting, but now I feel a kinship with anyone who is misunderstood.  I've been more outspoken about calling people on their judgmental actions and behavior, especially at work, where our patients are the last people we should be judging.

I appreciate all the love I have in my life and each love can be whatever it will be. 
There is no pressure on any relationship to fit a mold.  Every connection I have has the ability to grow into whatever it is capable of.  My friendships with men are no longer inhibited by the social idea that they can't get close to me because of my marriage.  Now, I can have male friends and if they become male more-than-friends that is okay.  The relationship can be whatever it is.  Friends have the capability of becoming lovers.  My support network is growing all the time.  I get to see the encouragement from people in my life that will support me even if they don't completely understand it. 

It's improving my marriage.  Really!
Every little bit of drama that Hubby and I have worked through to make poly work for us is also improving our bond.  It started with more open communication and confessions about sex that we'd kept from each other for fear of reprisal.  It grew into allow each other the freedom we want for ourselves.  We've each had to manage jealousy and together work through some uncomfortable situations.  We've had some intense decisions to make and we've overcome some really ugly stuff fairly easily.  What's really amazing about these challenges is that once we've discussed them and worked them out, they go away.  We don't bring up past poly arguments out of spite.  If they are brought up it highlights what we've learned as it relates to the present situation.  (Unlike our arguments about things like the kitchen cabinet that is yet to be installed 4 years after the initial kitchen remodel.)


Sunday, July 22, 2012

My anonymous blog is not so anonymous anymore

Two days ago, I did a little shameless self promotion on r/polyamory.  Why not?  I had a post that I thought was fun/funny and would appeal to a large number of Internet users/poly people so I went for it and posted up a link.  After a few upvotes, I was given a sudden burst of traffic to the site.  The most exciting thing about this is that people clicked around and read other posts, not most people, but some people liked my writing enough to click around and see more of it.  Other people took the time to comment on several posts.  This is pretty cool, but also terrifying.  The anonymity of my online journal is broken at least to an extent.

It started when NMB finally found the right set of words to Google.  He shared it with his wife.  Then my Reddit self-promotion lead to this happening:
Yep.  I ran into one of my boyfriend's other____ (dates? lovers? Gawd, lovers sounds so cheesy.  I don't know the right word... but you get the picture.) on Reddit.  This lead to a PM where we confirmed each other's identity and that I am, indeed on her polycule diagram on Fetlife as I suspected.  This lead to me texting NMB to tell him who I met and where, which lead to both him and his wife popping onto the thread to say hello.
I'm so amused by this, but again, a little afraid.  A comment left today lets me know that at least one other person mentioned in my writing has read my blog.  Big City's poly community is small enough that I was personally recognized by a stranger from a post on r/polyamory.  It's impossible for my writing to not be affected by this somehow.  I have already held back on writing about certain subjects/people when I knew that they were reading.  I'll be a bit more sensitive to this fact, for sure, but it's important to me that I continue to write in a way that is honest and true about my experiences.  Therefore, you won't see me sugar coating and pretending the icky feelings aren't there.  If there is one thing about poly that has met my expectations is that it's a lot of work.  I don't want to misrepresent this.  Like my friend that divorced us said, "Feelings will get hurt." I never denied the truth to that, but I knew the risk/benefit made it worth it.  I also knew that Hubby and I were up to the challenge and that we could get through it.  That's what is important for me to document here.  If anyone is going to read this, I want them to know that this is not easy, but that these problems are solvable.  Every relationship has it's problems and challenges.  Sometimes a couple makes a choice to do something hard for the chance of a better life, like moving or taking a job in a different city or having children.  They accept the challenge so that the rewards will be felt by both of them in the future.  Deciding to become poly is the same sort of mentality.  We went at it together, knowing that the work would pay off in the end with a new, more free relationship model.


The point is, what is the point?  Oh yes, the point is that despite my total anonymity being broken about and scattered to all the corners of the universe, I want to do my best to continue to write as though no one is reading.  I don't want to hide the icky stuff for the sake of people I know are reading it or might be reading it.  This means I have to suck it up and accept that I'm baring my chest a little bit, even for the things/behaviors/thoughts/emotions that I'm not proud of.  Now, throw me some beads. ('Cause I'm baring my chest, get it?  Get it?  You know, I've never done that...  but I just thought about it and I don't feel like I'm missing much.)

Actually, the main point here is that if you find yourself the subject of one of these, don't get mad, learn from your mistakes and know that I'm remaining true to myself.  You put yourself out there and so did I.  Ha. (But seriously, learn from your mistakes, ok?) 

Saturday, July 21, 2012

The riskiest coming out yet, but I did it for her sake.

I came out to a coworker the other night even though I was hesitant to do so.  She is a monogamous, married, good Christian girl who may be just a little bit repressed.  I chose to do this for her sake, not for mine.  I took the risk of rejection and weirdness.  Thankfully, I already have a large network of kind and accepting people who know who will be on the lookout for me for any backlash that might occur from this in the workplace.  I don't expect it, but I'm prepared to own it.

The reason I felt it was important that this coworker know about poly is that she has been the center of gossip at work for the last year or so regarding a male coworker.  This male coworker has since transferred to another unit, but everyone has suspicions that they are still hanging out together.  The chemistry between them was obvious to anyone who watched them interact.  Personally, I have a huge problem with they guy, but she seems to connect with him.  The risk of having an affair is high, if it's not already going on.  I wanted her to know that she had an option that wasn't cheating.  I wanted her to see an example of somebody she knows succeeding in the early stages of an open relationship.  She asked me a lot of questions.  I answered them honestly.

Her statements varied from interested consideration to distancing.  "I've always had a fear that I'd only ever sleep with one guy..."  and "I guess if it works for you guys and no one is getting hurt..."  Whatever she decides is of no consequence to me.  Poly is a lot of work.  Cheating is easier.  I couldn't do it, but I guess I understand why someone would.  I just felt it was important to share what I've learned over the last few months so that she would know that there is another option.  She could have what she wanted and still be with and not hurt her husband.  I thought that sharing my experience would be the best way for her to learn about it.  Just like fighting homophobia by making sure that everyone has a gay friend/coworker/family member/some one they know and respect.  Knowing someone who is poly makes it all the more real and easy to understand.  One of the turning points for me was meeting a large local group of poly people and realizing that they were down to Earth, intelligent, educated and not crazy.  I hoped that maybe I could do the same on a smaller scale.

I hope she goes the route of honesty, but I also hope she gets the life experience she's looking for.  We only get one shot at this whole life thing, unless you believe in reincarnation, but I'm not living mine like I get a second chance.

Friday, July 20, 2012

The Internet has relationship memes that I disagree with.

I have a problem with some of these "romantic" relationship memes floating around on Facebook and Pinterest.  They popularize and reinforce the cultural myths about relationships that cause them to fail.  These are made by the same people who pick "Passion" over "Dedication" on that OkC question that asks "Which makes for a better relationship?"  Passion can just as easily end things as it begins them.  Dedication is what makes a relationship work for the long haul.  The majority of okc users  pick "Passion" and I don't get it.  Here's an example of what passion can lead to and that's just crazy.  I prefer my relationships to be stable with lots of affection and fun things thrown in.  

Below you will find these memes along with my sarcastic commentary. 

Oh, look!  A sunset!  Aw!
This hits directly on the Passion vs Dedication problem.  This is Passion-driven relationship strategy.  It is built on the false belief that love should be easy and if it ever gets hard then they are wrong for you and you should DTMFA and move on.  This is not how relationships work, people.  If you want to be together, you might have to work at it.  You won't just drift back together if it's meant to be.

All your love are belong to us!
What does this mean exactly?  Romantic love?  What if they love their best friend?  When you have kids and she loves your kids are you going to be jealous of that love? Even in monogamous relationships your partner will love someone else.  Having to be in the center of their universe and be the only one they love is seriously insane, like controlling and abusive insane.  I just checked out http://supremeowl.com/ and found this little gem on homepage.  Point made. 
I only read your e-mail and make you give up all your opposite sex friends and isolate you from your friends and family because I LOVE you, baby! I wouldn't do that to anyone else because I only love YOU. 

It's people with these sorts of opinions, like those behind Supreme Owl that are destroying traditional marriage.

No one can make you happy but me! 
Dude, I don't agree.  Again, we have the false belief of "I must be the only thing in your universe to make you happy ever!"  How far does this go?  If a cute waiter brings her a refill with a wink and she smiles, is it all over?  How does he prevent this?  By no longer allowing his woman to look at cute waiters?  Is it only threatening if the guy is young and hot?  What if she smiles at an old man while she listens to him tell stories?  That's okay, right?  I'm so confused. 

If these hoes would just back off, he would love me forever.

Again, the external forces trying to break you up.  "Everything would be perfect if I was the prettiest girl in the world!"

They should have no friends but each other...  wait... 
Here's another one from that same myth.  I could forgive some of this if it was being posted by teenagers, but these are 30-somethings and up posting this stuff on Facebook.  Sigh. 


This one could be interpreted as anti-poly, but I'm certain that's not it's intended purpose.  It must be about an overbearing mother-in-law. Right?  No?  Sigh.  This one is about those hoes trying to break you up too, isn't it?

Minimum requirements.
Except for the jealousy=love myth portrayed in this one...  these are pretty darn minimal requirements for a real boyfriend.  He has to call you once in a while, be consistent with texts, want to spend time with you, is emotional and protective...  Pretty basic stuff here people.  If you are dating someone who doesn't want to spend time with you, you're doing it wrong. 

He's hot, so he must know what he's talking about.
I understand there is some debate about whether or not Johnny Depp even said this, ever, but the Internet loves it.  I've seen this everywhere.  Poly philosophy aside, I have so many issues with this.  Again, external forces do not reflect upon the love in your relationship.  Falling for someone else isn't proof that your first love is a sham.  It's proof that you you love two people.  This is a common enough occurrence in our society that we have two really popular books/movies with it as a theme and that's just right now in our pop culture.  (See: The Hunger Games and Twilight)  It happens.  One love does not diminish the other, whether you choose to explore it or not.  If you believe this, you will spend your life practicing serial monogamy in a turbulent series of relationships, giving up one for the next searching for this elusive "perfect true love" that doesn't exist.  

And we're worried about gay marriage messing things up?  Honey, Facebook and Pinterest are way bigger threats to marriage than rainbow-colored ceremonies ever will be. 

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Oh, hai Reality!

Sunday was another icky day for me.  My self esteem was in the crapper and I can't even blame my cycle.  This time it was circumstantial and well, to be honest, kind of a pity party.  My success with dating has been nonexistent for the last few weeks.  I've had several cancelled dates, an uncomfortable encounter with a real life creeper, disappointment and weirdness with Hulk...

Everyone is getting laid but me.  Hulk got it on with an okc match over the last few weeks.  Hubby got it on with a 20 year old on Friday.  NMB got it on with same-name-weird-spelling chic on Saturday.  I got that news the same time I received the news that he wouldn't be able to join me on an upcoming float trip.  This combination of events sent me to a rather ugly place for a day or so.  I didn't sleep at all yesterday.  It was a mini version of this.  I wanted to fix my flawed thinking, but I couldn't do anything to make myself feel better.  I was internalizing all of the external forces and decided that there was a fundamental flaw somewhere.  I searched for it.  And if I was fundamentally flawed (too fat? not smart enough? too emotional? overly attaching? just plain old shit?) why would NMB want to be in a relationship with me?  When everyone I'm in a relationship with is connecting with new people and no one on okc is even giving me the time required to write a message, why would the people I'm in a relationship with want to continue to see me?  It must be that they are just missing something.  They somehow haven't seen the Big Flaw yet.

I was even giving myself a hard time for having these emotions.  "See, why would anyone want you?  You decide you want to be poly and you can't even handle it.  You thought you were an emotionally healthy person and then, well, look at you.  Just shit.  You can't even get out of bed.  Why would he want to date you when you can't even handle this minor little thing?  Hubby's not going to tolerate this forever, now that he knows how easily he can find someone else, why would he put up with your crazy ass?  You're just like your mother, melting down into crazy-mess."  I was berating myself just for having the negative emotions, for not being perfectly even keel and taking it all in stride.  The negative emotions formed a positive feedback loop of negativity.

feel bad about yourself --> feel worse about yourself for feeling bad about yourself --> feel even worse about yourself --> feel even worse about yourself for feeling even worse about yourself --> pile of shit

I began to pull myself out of it by reaching out to my friends.  My friends are fantastic, by the way.  It's not often that I need reassurance like this, but did they ever pull through.  Everyone reminded me that this is temporary that Hubby was in the same place not so long ago and that's how dating goes.  They all encouraged me in some way.  One offered to be my pimp, one told me I was an awesome person...  they all assured me that it would turn around.  This was a start.  I made a conscious decision to work through it, but how?  Use your resources.  In handling unfamiliar emotions with no cultural background noise to teach me what to do, I have to seek guidance from the masses of people who are have experienced this.  I read some articles on http://www.morethantwo.com/ including this one on managing jealousy.  I actually sat down and started making a list of things I value about myself.  I realized that the things I was writing down are the same traits I value in others.  This is the important stuff.  This is the stuff that makes people good.  As I wrote, I thought that little things that I don't like about me, such as occasionally losing control of my emotional state, are minor and that overall I'm a really good person, dammit. (+1) I found evidence for this in my long term friendships (+1) and support (+1) from these friends, many of whom are new friends because I make friends easily. (+1) I remembered that the whole reason this was possible for us was because I am open minded (+1) and can make positive change in my life when I see the need for it. (+1) I reminded myself that I'm a nurse and I save lives for cryin out loud! (+1)  I was reminded that I've had coworkers tell me that they want to orient with me when they become nurses (+1).  I've had new nurses tell me that I don't make them feel stupid when they ask a question. (+1)

The character points were building and I was getting closer to a level up.

I can pick out douchebags. (+1) Which is probably a big reason why I'm not dating a whole lot right now.  I'm being selective.  I'm not going out with the douchebags.  The selection is thin and this doesn't reflect on me, it reflects on the dating pool.  (+1) Just because creepers send me messages all the time, does not mean I'm worth less. (+1)  This is part of having a high emotional IQ. (+1) People come to me for advice and leave feeling better. (+1)


I had turned the corner.   I was remembering how awesome I am.  I am awesome.  I'm not perfect, but there's no reason why I should hate myself for getting a little insecure.

These emotions are brand new with no social context.  I'm sharing my husband and my boyfriend.  How do you handle that?  I have no real examples to follow.  I haven't spent a lifetime watching sitcoms about resolving jealousy and insecurity in relationships.  On the contrary, sitcoms, romantic comedies and internet memes reinforce jealousy as proof of love and commitment.  They teach you to embrace it, not to battle it and beat it down to the depths where other irrational emotions belong.  I can't expect myself to perform perfectly when faced with things that make me feel icky.  This is a learning experience.  That's why I'm writing this blog, to chronicle my mistakes, document my feelings, work through them with the written word and finally to have a record of my personal journey into making polyamory work.

I went to work on a definite upswing.  I had a good night at work, where I felt like what I did mattered.  My patients were all super nice and appreciative.  I made it through my shift on the fumes of coca-cola and chocolate ice cream.  When my head hit the pillow that morning, it was my 31st hour of no sleep.  I slept great.

That afternoon, I received a text from NMB informing me that he had shared his google calendar with me.  This is kind of a Big Deal in poly relationships from what I understand, at least in jest.  I recognized this as a gesture. (You can correct me if I'm wrong.)  I reciprocated and looking at each others' days we were able to pick a date for going to the drive-in finally!   Once it was decided, we both plugged it into our calendars and they showed up at about the same time.  It was nerdy and awesome.  "Go go relationship!" he said.

This gesture put things into perspective for me.  NMB made the move to share google calendars, my husband made me pizza when I was feeling down and hardly eating anything, my friends sent me encouraging texts...  How dare I throw a pity party for myself?  My life is rich with fun, interesting, intelligent and caring people that I value and that value me!  How dare I take that for granted?  I'm very obviously dating someone who cares enough to reach out with a gesture of intimacy when he didn't even know the full extent of my craptastic pile of poo day.  I have a husband and a boyfriend and oh, by the way, they both cook for me.  I say to myself, "Shut the fuck up, you fool!  Look at what you have in your life!  Look at it!  The fact that they are bumping uglies with other pretty girls is of no consequence and is no reflection on you.  The fact that you are getting piles of messages from douches on okc and a minimal reply rate doesn't mean you are broken!  It means okc is full of douches!  Appreciate what you have, work through the crappy feelings when they happen and shut the fuck up and be happy for yourself!  You are graced with intimate relationships all around you from people who choose to be your friends and lovers.  You have the freedom to turn friends into lovers and let each relationship be what it will.  Shut this pity party down right now.  No last call.  It's over.  Go on!" 


Tuesday, July 17, 2012

3 Conversations About Sex That Happened at Work

#1  I caught up with a coworker to get report on her patients.

Hurry up, let's get this done.  I have to get home and try to make a baby.  I think I'm ovulating.
Just don't forget to enjoy the work. 
Eh, I don't really like sex.
Really?  I love sex.

#2  It's morning and I'm getting a patient off the bedside commode.  She was 80 years old and sarcastic as can be.  She made a joke that flew over my head.

You'll have to forgive me.  I've been up all night.  At this time of the morning, I can be a little dense.

What were you doing?  Making love?

Haha, no.  My husband works here too, but he didn't work last night.  (She looks at me with widened eyes and tilts her head.) Naw, I'm kidding.  No hanky-panky at work.

Don't you ever find a laundry room or something?  I was married for 32 years and I'll tell ya, there ain't nothin sweeter!

What's the secret to a happy marriage?


#3  The same nurse came back to receive report from me.  I asked her how the baby makin' went.  She told me the following story, paraphrased because I don't have a perfect memory.  Keep in mind, as you read this that it's being told by a tall, beautiful, thin blonde in navy blue scrubs.

Well, I got home and I was like, "Do you wanna?" And he was like "Do you?" And we were both feeling lazy.  I was in the bathroom to clean up, cause I was stinky and I was wiping my butt with a washcloth.  Is this sexy?  I was looking at him while I did it, you know?  And he was like, "I'll get you back for this."
We were both feeling lazy and I didn't want to do any work, but he was like, "Why don't you start out on top?" and I really didn't want to, but I did.  I got on top and we're doin it and I farted on his balls. Belp blep blep.  "Now your balls are stinky."  So I got him back.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Shout out to some okc creeps that take the cake and eat the whole thing!

This blog is great and includes creepers that are a million times worse than anyone who has messaged me.  My favorite theme in these posts is the guys who proclaim their proficiency at cunnilingus.  By their descriptions alone I can deduce that they have no idea what they are doing. 


Sunday, July 15, 2012

I repressed myself. I blame my mother.

My mom is a hot mess.  I'm certain she couldn't count how many people she's slept with.  She's always dressed for sex.  She doesn't leave the house without make-up on.  She's always owned at least one pair of stripper boots.  On the outside, she is a serial monogamist, but this is a lie.  She's very good at lies.  I suspect that her cheating history goes all the way back to her first boyfriend, but I know for a fact that she cheated on my father with the man who was the best man at their wedding.  Stereotypical, but a true story.  She does not ask for respect, in fact, she revels in being treated like shit.  She is dishonest.  She's had her car keyed by jealous girlfriends on more than one occasion.  She gives directions using bars as landmarks.  She has a history of being a regular at a series of bars in town for as long as I've been paying attention.  I suspect that once a significant amount of drama has exploded at one bar, she is given no choice but to move to another.  She cannot maintain long term relationships of any sort with females, including her own mother and daughters, but also not friends.  As far as relationships go, she was always my example of what not to do.  She was a slut, but a very unethical one.  She was not empowered, she was a slave to her desires and to the men she wanted to please.

This, along with my stereotypical healthy dose of Catholic sexual guilt, left me in a weird place.  I did not want my relationships to be crazy fluctuating messes.  I also wanted sex to have some meaning.  I wanted friendships with guys, not just flings.  Serial monogamy was obviously the best thing.  One sexual relationship at a time.  Whoever I lost my virginity to had to be special.  (He wasn't, as it turns out.) 

However, once I was married, this began to change.  Shorty before the wedding we started to explore some kinky fantasies.  We stumbled into a rape role play fantasy (not the right way to do that, but it worked for us).  He fake-raped me on our honeymoon at least once.  I sought out new information on sexual pleasure, as opposed to in the past when I was reading about sexual health.

Within the safe confines of my marriage, I became a more free sexual being.  The more sex we had, the more I wanted.  We were trying to get pregnant, but I wasn't even thinking about that.  I just wanted to get fucked.  I became proficient in the art of dirty talk.  Where once I couldn't use the word "fuck" to describe the sex that I or anyone else was having, I was now asking him to fuck me and reveling in being called a slut.  I was finally able to relax and enjoy the pleasure of anal sex.  I felt like super wife that night.

When I went to my first drag show, I was surprised to find myself attracted to the drag king and more importantly, my sexy female coworker dancing with him.  I started realizing that my attraction to women wasn't just a phase a I went through in high school and felt I had an obligation to explore it.

Without the safety of marriage and monogamy to cultivate my sexual expression, I may never have been alright with embracing it.  My husband's gentle guidance and patience during our dry spell gave me the support and comfort to grow into my inner slut.  The sex-positive movement gave me the responsibility to embrace it.   When we started discussing non monogamy, my motivation was to continue to explore this person that I was just getting to know.  I'm so happy my husband is committed to making this work.  It's so important to me to know more about who I am through this lifestyle.  It feels right.  The last vestiges of the Catholic guilt and fear of becoming my mother are finally slipping away and I can be the slut I was always meant to be.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

It's Saturday Morning, Time for me to write about the last few days.

Thursday afternoon:  I'm awake when I should be sleeping due to having to run an unexpected errand.  I log onto okc and see that Skittles had sent me a message.  We had a successful chat a few weeks ago and I shot him my number at the end, then I heard nothing.  I figured he vapor trailed, but I did check out his profile after that and he checked out mine.  It's a short message, but he's also online so I turned on my IM and chatted.  Turns out he doesn't have a phone right now, making my number useless.  He asks if I have Skype.  I don't, but I go ahead and sign up.  The call connects, but there's no audio.  He confirms so in an IM.  I had to quickly figure out how to IM on that software, and then we were video IMing.  I find him quite attractive.  He's tattooed and pierced and generally scruffy.  He complimented my appearance in the following ways...  said I was hot, said I have nice teeth, said my husband (who could be seen walking around in the background) is a lucky man because I am "fucking hot".  This felt particularly good as I was essentially in my pajamas.  Complimenting my teeth was nice as I am one of the few people in my generation to never have braces.  I have nice teeth for never having had braces.  I do not have nice teeth when compared to most people my age and younger.  I am an anomaly with slightly crooked teeth and a mild overbite.  After that lovely self esteem boost I headed to bed, but not before setting up a date for next week.  Woot!

Thursday night: I swear I think that just about everyone that saw me, complimented my hair!  It was truly a good hair day!  Something I rarely have.  I switched back to pure coconut oil for antifrizz, that must be what did it!   I was over the moon.  The last 24 hours have given me the feedback that I'm fucking hot with nice teeth and great hair. 

Friday night: I got up early-ish and headed to Hulk's.  We had plans to participate in my community's annual night time bike ride, the Tour de LikeImmaGonnaTellYou.  I got there early so we could grab some dinner.  He was expecting his kid to be dropped off at 6pm.  I arrived about 4:30.  He came onto me, got me to peel of my bike shorts, got my shirt off, was making out with me...  Then his head was on my chest again with that same sense of defeat.  We talked about it.  He was afraid that what happened last time (loss of erection) was going to happen again.  I reassured him that we didn't have to have sex right now.  By this time, we were expecting his ex-ish wife to show up with the kid in about an hour...  talk about pressure to perform.  I strongly encouraged him to not attempt sex right now.  I guess I just want us to be set up for success.  The failures do bother me.  I internalize them a bit no matter what.

Throughout our conversations in the meantime, the following bits of information were revealed.  Cue list format.

  • He often has that problem the first time he has sex with someone.   
  • He has been dating someone else.  He had the same problem with her the first time.  The second time, they successfully slept together.  He used a condom, I asked to be sure.  I'm betting it was one of the ones I left there.  If that's the case, I'm sure glad I did that.  Maybe I need to drop off a box.  (Fun fact: This has no potential of being serious.  This is at least in part due to her inability to successfully deduce strategy for the game Plants Vs Zombies. Something I've literally seen toddlers successfully play.)
  • His ex-wife has a history of getting jealous when knowing about his dating.  She got on him about having a date stay the night with the kid there.  She said he was teaching the kid bad morals since they are technically still married.  Yikes!  I'd hate to think what she'd have to say about my morals!  Complicating that, we are in the same profession, she having graduated a year after me from the same nursing program, but works at rival hospital across town.  There is a chance that I could one day have to see her professionally if she were to jump ship and come to our side. 
These facts, combined with some other aspects of his personality, assure me that I could never seriously date him.  Even if I was single and dating, the jealous ex-ish moral-spouting wife would be enough to make me uncomfortable.  I don't want that kind of drama.  We have a decision to make.  Be discrete or come clean about it.  If she finds out, it's going to get way weirder than I wish to invite.

I decided that perhaps the best way to handle the ex-ish wife situation is to be gone when she arrives with the kid.  I plan to order food and go pick it up.  I'm punching things into the Jimmy John's app for pick up and he looks up.  "Oh shit, she's here!"  'Okay, how do you want to handle this?"  He asked me to hang out in the bedroom and went outside to meet her.  I felt like Bob Loblaw ("I shall hide behind the couch.")  Sitting there alone I thought to myself, "This would have been way less weird if I had just waved and smiled."  She knows that I'm married and that we have mutual friends.  She is not likely to think this is weird.   She did ask him whose truck was in his driveway.  He told her.  She seemed fine.  Oh well, live and learn to lie better.  Sigh.  I really hate that part of it.

We got dinner, picked up some supplies, decorated our bikes and headed up to the ride.  It was a nice ride.  The weather was perfect for a night time bicycle ride.  We started at the back of the pack and made a leisurely trek on the 15 mile route.  It was quite pleasant.  I'm always one of the last to finish, but I don't mind.  People sit out on the route and cheer on the riders as they go by.  I wasn't in as bad of shape as I thought and I didn't even get really winded.   The route is mostly flat, so that's nice. I considered sneaking a kiss out in public like that, but when I got home and saw how many of my Facebook friends were also on the ride, I was glad that I didn't.  It's not like when I'm with NMB and I have to really work to keep my hands and lips to myself.  I'm starting to think of Hulk as more of a friend that I care about, like to cuddle with and kiss and might possibly, maybe, I dunno, have sex with someday.  The nice thing about poly is that it has room to be whatever it can be.  We rode past my in-laws and I waved enthusiastically to them.  We rode past the street I grew up on, down the hill I rode my bike down as a kid, past my grade school, near my grandma's house, and past my current residence.  The unfamiliar car out front told me that Hubby was having a successful date of his own with a woman he just talked to on Thursday afternoon.  After the ride, his text told me that his numbers have been increased to 7.  All of his post marital successes have been on the first date.  Sigh.  I honestly can't keep track of all of them anymore.  I think this is the 20 year old.  I haven't asked for details yet.  I find that I do better with that when some time has passed.

When we got back to Hulk's house, he put his daughter to bed and came onto me again.  It wasn't hard, staring at him walking around shirtless is certainly a nice enough sight to get me interested.  However, I felt that again, we would be setting ourselves up for failure.  I like dick and all, but I'm not about to go down there after a 15 mile bike ride, nor would I want him heading that way on me.  Also, the fact that his kid was sleeping in his bed meant that we would be relegated to the couch.  There are no doors in his WIP home and I'm loud.  He said I could stay the night.  Right, haha!  Ex-ish wife may not have been concerned that I was over there at 4:30 in the afternoon.  I'm damned sure she would have been concerned about me spending the night.  "It's not really any of her business" he argued.  "I agree, but your kid is capable of telling stories, you know."  The excuse that I was too tired to drive home wouldn't hold a lot of water either as I live about 0.5 miles away.  Yep.  These are things I think about.  Hulk may need some work on his Emotional IQ, another reason I couldn't seriously date him.

I did tease him about being a tease.  I told him "Next time" and headed for the door.  I stopped and went back for more kissing before committing to the decision to extricate myself from this.  "Next time." I said again as I left. I watched his porch light go out and I headed home.

Hubby's sex with _____ (Seriously, I can't remember this one's real name.  She plays roller derby, that's all I can remember.) was reportedly "neat-o".  Post being dumped, I'm happy that he had that.  On the other hand, I'm bummed.  Society has lead me to believe that sex should come easily for women when they want it.  Apparently not when they are looking for it.  Maybe I should try a less aggressive approach, put up a new picture on OkC...  I dunno.  It's hard to not get a little bummed out.  On the other hand, part of hubby's success is his feminist ideals and genuine respect for women.  That's a harder to find and I lose my interest pretty darn quick if it's not there.  Men can instantly become less attractive when they open their mouths or post some obnoxious opinion on their Facebook wall.  Things change quickly for him and they have the potential to do the same for me. 

Saturday morning: I woke after 3 hours of sleep and a dream about the hot IT guy from work coming onto me.  He was sitting next to me talking and without warning or explanation he tilted his head and moved closer and closer to my face until his lips were brushing against mine as he talked.  When I opened my mouth to protest, (Stop!  My friend has a crush on you!) he started kissing me.  It was way hot in my dream and I doubt he's nearly that smooth in real life.  Who is?  That was a Hollywood kiss right there.  My brain must be trying to reassure me and I thank it for that.  It also lead me to immediately text my friend who's crushing on him and confess.  She was cool.  Said that someone should be dreaming about him and wanted to know details.  She's a down to Earth super cool friend and she totally deserves this guy.  I want them to hook up.  But if she loses interest, she is to let me know.  In response to my dream, I made this meme.

Plans for today include going back to bed and going out the that gay part of Big City for the Slutwalk.  This will be a new experience for me!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I Can See Your Warning Signs. You Might Consider Dimming Them

Speaking as a nurse with a limited psychiatric background, this message reeks of crazy and douchebaggery (It's a word now, The Oatmeal says so. Actually, I think that once it's been spelled out in hundreds of thousands of dollars it is officially a word. So there!)

Just take a gander at this gem and enjoy my commentary.

Hi... In trying to figure out how to talk to you. I generally edit bc I tend to go as far as I can in silliness...

I don't mind silly.  I'm wary, but open at this point.  I'm not turned off yet, he has a chance.

Anyhow if I was at target and I over heard you talking to someone similar to that which you write... And well... potentially think... Then I would think... " She's cool..."

Oh, okay, this is a creatively written message.  I can forgive the grammar and the overuse of ellipses, as I often overuse ellipses... 

I'd try to be sneaky and sneak a look... Then I would think... "my kind of hot..."

That's a compliment.  It's not terrible.  It's not great.  

I just moved to STL... There are a lot of cool things to do here... There are a lot of cool people to do here...

Here is the record scratching turning point.  Now I'm leery.  

But that's not a point as much as fun with wording. I would like to meet you for a $4 coffee or a $5 craft beer... And an opportunity to flirt... To hopefully arouse your interests...

Clever and cute wording there, but let's read on...

To well get your clothes off of you... I find that I get really confident once clothes are off...

At that point i'm like "sweet now I don't have to worry about going too far... Now I can concentrate on her having the best and most orgasms ever". I'm a fan of giving.

Really?  You are going to proclaim to me in an opening message that you are going to give me the best orgasms ever?   That might work on someone who isn't having multiple fantastic orgasms all the time, but not on me.  I'm super happy that you are a fan of giving.  My husband and boyfriend are too and they've never had to proclaim this to me or anyone.  In fact, I'm going to take this as proper evidence that you are not good in bed.  Ladies and gentlemen of the blog-o-sphere did you catch the finest nugget of douchebaggery hidden inside these few sentences?  I'm using the word sentences loosely.  The finest nugget of douchebaggery is the fact that this guy thinks that once the clothes are off, he no longer has to worry about "going too far".  This sounds like date rape.  It's a bright red flag waving in the wind that says "DATE RAPIST: NAKED=CONSENT"  I'm concerned.  This makes me revisit his confidence in nakedness and question exactly what he means by confidence.  I'd delve further into it, but I don't know his real name to search for in the sex offender database.  Seriously?  This guy thinks I'm an idiot and I think he's an asshole. 

I don't keep score... But I think I have an over achiever complex with turning a lady out so to speak... I heard somewhere that it's because I used to be overweight. (they try harder). Which would explain why I never had a great BJ.

This is the part where I'm supposed to say, "I could give him a great BJ." and endeavor to prove myself right by scrambling to get to his cock as soon as possible.  Puh-lease!

I dated a lot of skinny women.

So...  am I supposed to be flattered that you are interested in my fat ass?  Fat chicks suck better cock?
Is this an approach like DK used and your secret attraction to "chubby girls" is supposed to make me feel special and let you come in my mouth?  I'm genuinely confused by this remark.  What is the purpose? 

Anyhow I'm worth a look. : ). If anything I'm really awesome at oral

Oh, you are worth a look alright.  You are worth a psychiatric evaluation and script for anti-psychotics, maybe a little therapy and behavior correction.  As for me, I'm still considering how exactly to respond to this, if I respond at all.  I don't want to be an Internet bully, beyond ripping him to shreds with his identity concealed on my anonymous blog that no one reads, but I do want to say something to him.  It's likely for the best if I don't do this.  I don't need to teach him to conceal his red flags.

This is the stuff that makes OkC so worth the experiment.  Well, and sometimes you get lucky and find NMB.  I guess I'm realizing just how rare it is to find that sparkly connection with someone you enjoy being around.  As frustrated as I am that dating seems to have stalled for me at the moment, I take solace in the fact that I have an ongoing secondary relationship that I enjoy and can count on to continue.  Not to mention Hubby, who told me several times at work last night that he would like to drag me off somewhere and do dirty things to me.  The abundance of psychos on OkC only serves to remind me to be appreciative of what I have.  I also have to remind myself that what I have is more than what most people have and I'm having it honestly and as openly as I dare.  It's making me a better person.  Which is something I will analyze in a future post.  

Thursday, July 5, 2012

How to Teach a Less Experienced Sex Partner

I've been Googling to seek advice on this topic and have come up empty handed.  I've found plenty of information about teen sex and how to be the less experienced sex partner (all written toward women) but I've not been able to find one decent article on how to teach someone with less experience.  Perhaps I am not Googling the right set of words, but I don't know where else to look.  There's probably something in the Savage Love archives somewhere, but it doesn't appear to be searchable so I'm still at a loss.  What to do?  I suppose I will attempt to write on article with the advice I expect to see and as I learn how to teach, I will revise this piece as necessary to reflect the knowledge I learn.

The reason I am seeking this advice in the first place is that I need some help with my Hulk situation.  The last time I went over to his place for pizza, TV and cuddling, I was really hoping I'd finally get a chance to have sex with him.  I wasn't sure as he was dealing with some hang-ups about me not being on birth control.  I was happy to hear that he was over this, but he admitted that he is inexperienced with condoms and is nervous about knowing how to use them.  This wasn't a problem, as I sucked his dick until he was plenty hard and I put the condom on.  Then he lost his erection after about 15 seconds of actual sex.  He felt really bad about this and kept attempting to get it back up by making out some more and getting me turned on again, only to fail again.  This was extremely frustrating. He offered to pleasure me with his fingers, but nothing was said about oral stimulation.  I have work to do.  Sigh. I have a lot of work to do.  The problem is, I don't really know how to do it.  He has the right attitude, he has asked me to teach him.  That's a start.  I just don't know how to go about doing that as the more submissive sex partner.  And he definitely wants me more submissive, when I've been on top of him making out, it makes him uncomfortable and he quickly changes position so he is in control.  I normally like this very much, but I'm not sure how to assume a teaching role from that standpoint.

With all of this in mind, and the lack of resources on the subject, here is what I would expect to find if I could find the advice I am seeking.

Be Patient
Don't expect your new less experienced lover to pick up everything in one night.  Remember that you were once less experienced too.  You didn't always suck cock like you do now.  You probably weren't always willing to do all the weird things you do now.   You may have to let them know what you expect of them.  For example, I expect a lover of mine to give, as well as receive, oral sex.  I will make this expectation clear.

Use Available Resources
If your partner is truly willing to learn, don't be afraid to give them a book to lead them in the right direction.  This lets them take a proactive stance and learn on their own.  Hopefully they'll put forth the effort and be willing to practice their new skills with pride and some degree of confidence.  If you suggest a book and they decline or seem offended, then you probably aren't going to get where you hope to go and may want to consider giving up or accepting sloppy inexperienced sex for the length of the relationship.  Don't use porn as a resource.

Point Out the Things You Enjoy Before Giving Advice on How to Do Things Better
Use good communication techniques when you are giving advice.  Say things like "I like it when you do x, but I might enjoy it more if you did it this way."  Make sure to tell them when they are doing things right.  Words are great, but using moans and body language can be just as effective.  Even so, using words will reinforce that you aren't faking it.

This was partially covered above, but bears repeating here.  Don't be afraid to speak about anything, just be nice about it.  Be encouraging, but don't suffer through something that hurts or has no feeling because you are afraid to speak up.  If their ego is so fragile it can't handle talking about the sex you are having, you shouldn't be having sex with that person.



Wednesday, July 4, 2012

'Tis Better to Have Fucked and Lost?

Hubby is dealing with another setback.  I haven't blogged about this person much.  Nicknaming is becoming a real chore and she reads my blog so I've mostly stayed silent about her until now.  He really liked this girl.  They had spoken online for months leading up to her moving back into the area.  She was pretty.  They moved quickly at a pace which was a little unsettling for me, but I coped.  She was making him happy.  The sex was really good (or so I heard).  They had applied the labels "girlfriend/boyfriend".  I met her and had no icky feelings like I have with another.  Everything seemed to be going peachy keen.

Here is where the story telling becomes a bit murky, as this is all second hand, but this is how I understand it.  She started seeing another guy she had been talking to online for months.  At the same time, she was asked to distance herself from her long-time lover so that she may find something more long term and stable.  The new guy is not comfortable with her being open, despite her stating in her profile that she is not into exclusivity, and has asked her to stop seeing my hubby.  She is allowed to continue dating the long-time lover and would be allowed to sleep with other guys if this new guy was present for the fucking.  It sounds like she wants to give this a try because she doesn't think she will ever find what hubby and I have.

Okay, Sweetie, if you are reading this, I'm not going to hold back my opinion about this so read on at your own risk.  Keep in mind that I'm only working on what I've been told, but this is my honest and true reaction.

Stop.  Right now.  End things with this new guy.  He is trying to control you.  He's starting slowly, but it's already working.  It starts with a small request (dump the other new guy) and the tiniest bit of give (but you can still sleep around with my permission and supervision).  It will grow.  He will ask you to dump your long term lover and probably not allow you to talk to him ever again.  He will not allow you to sleep with others unless he gets something out of it.  I've watched a lot of abusive and controlling relationships and this is how it starts.  I bet he's also pouring all sorts of affection on you, right?  It will turn into insults to keep you insecure and make you think that no one else will ever want you.  You are stronger than this.  You can find a guy to treat you right who will not take away your freedom.

Your partner should not make you feel like you are missing out on life.  They should not make you feel like you are giving something else up.  They should make you happy and they should encourage you to do what makes you happy.  

This is what I have always believed to be true about relationships.  This is the sort of attitude that led us to the poly lifestyle choice and has given us the strength to explore it and continue on.  If you want what hubby and I have you are not going to find it in a guy who wants to control you and take away your freedom so early in a relationship or ever.  He forced the choice and you chose him.  It's a mistake.  I know you will see that eventually.  I don't care if you take my hubby back or not.  I don't know that he would take you back.  I just can't stand to see a girl make a stupid decision when I can see the red flags and warning signs from way over here.  Just be careful.  Unless you want a master/slave relationship, then by all means, go ahead and I retract my judgment.  

I hope I am wrong about all of this, but I usually am not.  Men are all too often far too predictable.

Monday, July 2, 2012

He is Now-My-Boyfriend!

He will remain NMB, but now NMB will stand for Now-My-Boyfriend.  :D

This makes me happy.  I bucked up and had a conversation about the label just like I said that I would.  We applied it.  When I left his house last night he said, "Goodnight, Girlfriend." Which actually sounded weird.  Labels always sound weird to me.  When Hubby and I got married, I found it very strange to call him "husband" and thus, I said it over and over until it felt right.

This changes nothing other than it gives me some reassurance that what we have will be ongoing.  I like that.  I pointed out that it changes very little, really, if either of us were to drop of the face of the Earth it would be a shitty thing to do to the other at this point.  Therefore, simply implying some small level of commitment doesn't really change things since I don't think either of us would be that shitty to each other.

All that said, I'm happy that I can now call him my boyfriend.

In other news:  I have a breakfast date on Thursday morning with someone that I've been texting casually for weeks.  He finally asked me out.  We'll see where this goes. 

And my insecurities surface again...

Arg. This is so dumb. I wish I could turn this off. I'm feeling jealous, but not with Hubby. I'm feeling jealous with NMB. What does this mean? I haven't figured it out yet. I'll try to unpack it here.

So here's what's got me bothered and up blogging when I should be sleeping in preparation for a perfectly promising date tonight.  I've had a string of unsuccessful dates, a long line of unanswered okc messages, a failed attempt at sex (I haven't even blogged about this.  I hate to admit I'm almost too embarrassed, although it was not my fault), a cancelled date...  I've been remarkably unsuccessful at dating lately.

When I last asked NMB what was going on in his dating life, I got the surprising answer that I was the only one he was seeing regularly.  He said he was slowing down on dating at the moment.  I guess this makes sense as his wife isn't dating right now either.

Then he tells me that he sent out a message to someone on OkC, went on a date with her and she went to Six Flags with his wife.  He gave me her OkC name if I was curious.  I shouldn't have looked.  And I definitely shouldn't have looked at her FB after she posted on his wall.

First I'm going to break down why these feelings are irrational, then I will tell you the ridiculous reasons they are bothering me. 

  • I really am happy to keep things on a more casual level.  I don't know what more serious would mean and I like our once weekly dates.  I also don't want to give up any of my freedom as I'm only just enjoying it.  With my work schedule, I only have 4 free nights a week.
  • He is obviously interesting in continuing to date me.  He just made arrangements to see me before his parents visit.  
  • He missed me while he was in France. 
  • He doesn't seem to end things with people he sees.  From what he's told me, schedules and moves end his extra marital relationships.  
  • He went on a camping trip with me and we've discussed going on another one. 
  • He's not a Vapor Trail and yet that seems to be what I'm afraid of.  
  • We text on an almost daily basis and I've been told this is unusual for him.  
  • We're poly.  He's not going to stop dating me because of somebody else. 

Here is why this situation is bothering me, irrational, all of them.  But I'm just going to blurt them out and get it out of my system.

  • He messaged her despite saying that he wasn't really interested in dating other people right now.  What makes her so special!
  •  She shares a craft skill with me, but she's way more prolific.  In fact, I'm fairly certain I've seen her stuff at a local con.  This should not bother me.  I'm quite certain NMB doesn't care that she crochets more than I do.  (Not necessarily better, mind you, just more.) 
  • Her first name is the same as mine, but she spells it in such a way that is contrived and retarded.  I think Brayzin Bunnae would be the pseudonym equivalent.  (Why does this matter? It's probably not even her fault!)
  • I've decided I don't like her and she pisses me off despite the fact that we are a 92% match on OkC.  (Okay, this is based on me thinking she seems really opinionated and obnoxious)
  • NMB is the best thing I have going.  That comes off sounding desperate, but I really do like spending time with him and I REALLY like the sex.  I'd be pretty broken up about it if it failed.
  • I'm PMSing.  Shark Week is here and I'm feeling like crap-o-la.
So this begs the question...  what am I to do?  Communicate, right?  But what do I communicate?  I don't want a change in our relationship.  I don't want to make things more serious just because I'm feeling jealous.  What I need from my husband when I'm jealous is reassurance.  I've decided that this is what I need from NMB too, but only the reassurance that he wants to continue to date me.  My insecurities are running pretty high right now.  I really want to feel better, but it's hard in the face of so many set-backs.

This is what I'm deciding.  We've been seeing each other regularly long enough that I think it's reasonable that we define our relationship on some level.  I will propose that we begin to use the terms boyfriend/girlfriend with the definition as follows. We continue to see each other and define things as we go along.  We won't fade away, it's an official relationship in that it requires an official break up.  I'll see him on Sunday and I need to bring this up then.  (Posted late, Sunday is now in the past.)

UPDATE: Before I could post this I had a phone conversation with him that made me feel better.  I called him after my awkward date.  He seemed happy to hear from me, stayed on the phone for a long while and was hesitant to let me go, I think.  He also mentioned this new girl and told me that we had the same name.  I said, "Ah, so you are seeing two girls named Brazen then"  He said, "Well, I don't know if I'm seeing her, we went on one date."  Sigh.  I blame the fact that my period just started on all of this irrational emotion.  I felt much reassured after all of that.