Monday, May 28, 2012

The Seven Year Itch

I had a short conversation with a coworker last night about infidelity.  She was telling me how her husband cheated on her after 14 years of being married. 

Me: My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, but we've been together for 7 years.

Her: I hate those, those 7 year increments, 7 years, 14 years, 21...  The 7 year itch.

Me: Oh, we're taking care of it.

 We both laughed, but I'm quite certain that I was the only one that knew why we laughing.  Being poly certainly negates any effects of the 7, 14 and 21 year and beyond itches. 

Sunday, May 27, 2012

"I'm not exactly sure what I saw in her in the first place."

I found myself in another awkward situation yesterday.  This one didn't make me laugh at it's absurdity.  It made me cry for it's discomfort. 

So, remember when Hubby was dating Munchy?  Things fell apart there.  She fell off the face of the Earth with little explanation.  Hubby cut things off explaining that he felt like she didn't have the time to devote to dating someone else right now.  And then...  they talked here and there and occasionally hung out. 

That brings us up to the present.  Munchy is in a 2+ year relationship with J who is married to M.  J & M are going to Bonnaroo this year.  I, BB, and Hubby are going to Bonnaroo this year as we have in other years.  Hubby met M last week and we discussed getting together and having a Bonnaroo adventure. 

To further discuss this Bonnaroo adventure, we met J & M & Munchy along with Me & Hubby & L (a friend from work who is joining us for Bonnaroo)  When I agreed to this, I didn't know that Munchy was going to be there.  Here's a secret:  I don't like her.  I don't hate her, but I really don't like being around her.  I feel like I can't even exist around her. Her personality and lack of humility just overwhelm the environment. She has limited life experience and yet knows everything.  I don't have the energy required to force myself to exist in her space.  It's exhausting to be around her.  Every story means getting interrupted and hearing something about her.  *sigh*  I can finally talk about this freely. 

So, we make our introductions with J & M and someone says, "So, we're all going to Bonnaroo, huh?"  This SHOULD have initiated the conversation we were there to have, which was about going to Bonnaroo, NOT about Munchy.  Instead...  Munchy says, "I'm not going to Bonnaroo.  It's too expensive."  and then we talk about Munchy and how she's not going to Bonnaroo instead of talking about going to Bonnaroo.  WTF?  Shut the hell up.  It's also important to mention that I've had this conversation with Munchy before and she rejected my suggestion that she try to volunteer, therefore, STFU and let the adults talk sweetie.

Upon shaking J's hand he said to me, "So, can I like apologize for not getting back to you on Facebook in forever."  I replied, "Sure, you can do that." and at that point I was completely shaken.  I had a handle on this situation and now I didn't...  here's why.  When I had my HUGE meltdown after Hubby's first date with Munchy, I poured my heart out in a long message to J on Facebook.  He responded positively to a shorter message and for some reason, I thought it was a good idea to DUMP all my emotions on this guy.  I heard nothing back.  Ever.  I sent that message on March 2nd.  It's the end of May.  Apparently he had every intention of getting back to me, but never did.  So, when he said that to me, in front of everyone, in the middle of a flea market under the blazing sun, he may as well have been saying, "Hey, remember that time you WENT INSANE! WE ALL KNOW ABOUT THAT!"

I needed to talk to my hubby and reset, but he was just getting angry at me for not being able to handle the situation and for my dislike of Munchy.  I finally got to explain it a little bit, pull myself together and have lunch with these people. 

Thankfully, L sat across from Munchy and kept a conversation tied up there for most of the meal.  Most of the things I attempted to interject into the conversation were overlooked and talked over.  I was finally able to discuss some things with the group in regards to Bonnaroo, but I mostly felt like an alien in a landscape where I didn't know the rules of social interaction.

On the way home, the argument started with Hubby.  We were both so upset by the events of the day and neither of us had processed them yet.  We argued for a while and then fell asleep.  I didn't want him to feel like he had to give up a friendship with these people because I felt uncomfortable.  He didn't want to pursue a friendship with these people if it made me uncomfortable.  We were both mad about this.  Later that evening, he shared with me a fact that made me feel better about the whole thing.  When I was in the bathroom and he was alone with L, he said to her in regards to Munchy, "I'm not exactly sure what I saw in her in the first place." 

Now that I know he's truly lost interest in her outside of my influence and that I can freely express my dislike for her, I feel a million times better about the situation.  We decided that going to Bonnaroo with them was too risky of a social situation.  If things get weird, then our whole weekend at Roo is sullied.  Therefore, we will be traveling to the farm separately.  We made the decision together.  I'm secure with the fact that we aren't going to pursue a friendship with them.  I have so many close friends and I've already met so many interesting and nice new people since we became poly, I have no need to force these somewhat selfish conceited people into my life.  There is no need.  There are too many people I instantly click with to force friendships with people I clash with. 

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

"Just a warning: I tested positive for...." *sharp inhale* "...strep throat"

Here we have an example of a potential infection control situation in a poly circle.  I got a text from NMB yesterday afternoon.

A warning for you: I just tested positive for strep throat.  It's very fun.
Seeing the words "I tested positive for..." scared the poo right outta me.  I never thought I would be relieved to hear that I might have strep throat.  Of all the things that could have followed those words, I am just fine with seeing "strep throat."  Ugh.

I was feeling just fine at that time, but throughout my night at work, the symptoms started.  Mild headache. Sore throat. Swollen lymph nodes. I kept checking my temperature to see if it was climbing.  Nope.  Still...  I got into the walk-in clinic as soon as they opened this morning and got my throat swabbed.  I tested positive for strep and won a Z-pack and a night off of work!  I also requested Diflucan cause we all know what happens to normal vaginal flora when you take antibiotics.  Am I right, ladies?

So, this is where so many people having intimate contact becomes concerning.  If we aren't careful, we'll keep reinfecting one another and the strep will never go away.  Also, I can't kiss my husband right now.  :(  But I can kiss NMB since we're both being treated.  It's a strange situation to be in.


Monday, May 21, 2012

Another OKC Message Gets Its Own Sarcastic Post

Hi sweetie, how about meeting a nice professional couple for threesum?

Barf.  Seriously.  Barf.  And they didn't even have a picture of themselves.  They had a photo of a distinct landmark of nearby Big City.  There are so many things wrong with this one-liner message that I can actually pick it apart even though it's so small already!

Hi sweetie
Don't call me that.

how about meeting
How about you talk to me like I'm a human being first?

a nice professional couple 
Why the fuck do I care that you are professional?  That's certainly not the most important trait I would look for in a couple to be a unicorn for.  Not that I am a unicorn for hire, ugh.  If you want to give me some information about yourself, try a picture.  K?  Thanks.

for threesum
You mean "for a threesome?"  I'm going to assume that's what you meant.  If you are asking for something like a threesome, I suggest you make the effort to spell it correctly.  Including the proper indefinite article is also a nice idea.

Better luck next time!  Excuse me while I go rinse the vomit out of my mouth.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

I drew my first poly diagram!

In explaining to a friend who Hubby has a date with on Monday, I did my first ever poly diagram to explain who was married to who and who was sleeping with who.  Luckily, I did it on my iPad so I can share it with you!

The "+" means those two are married.  The connecting lines mean various levels of connections, in most cases sleeping together or have slept together, but are at least dating.  I look at at stuff like this and have to remind myself that this is a little crazy, but it's making us happy.

My first poly diagram!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I get an answer, a free cup of coffee, a surprise visit with a friend and an amusing anecdote.

I still have to write about the camping trip.  A success, by the way!  However, I am choosing to forgo that at the moment and write about how guys are stupid and girls are even stupider for letting them get away with crap.  So here is the story of 2 flaky guys and how I have this crazy little thing called self-respect. 

I went out with R, from work, for a celebration dinner and drinks.  We both started texting BCG (Birth Control Glasses, an adorable guy from work that we are both off and on enamored with.  I can't explain it, he draws you in, but no more after tonight!)  We were both texting and flirting and trying to get him to come out and join us.  He was trying to get a friend of his to agree to come out and was unsuccessful.  However, after some texting back and forth, I did get him to agree to meet me at Denny's later in the night.  We agreed on 12:30am.

Now, here's a little more back story... Remember the cute Denny's server I started flirting with the night I met NMB? I had plans with him one night and he completely stood me up without even a trace.  I should have deleted him from my phone, but I didn't.  I did unfriend him on FB.  We'll call him DK (Denny's Kid). 

When I arrive at Denny's to meet BCG, it is DK that greets me, seats me, serves me coffee and starts to chat me up.  I mention that I'm waiting for someone that I expect to flake, he picks up on this, does not apologize, but asks how he can make it up.  I don't really give in.  Having nothing better to do, I go outside with him on his break, where he attempts to pick me up in the following terrible way.  Before going outside, he seeks my advice on his 2 -girl-dishonest situation.  It's a hot mess, reveals his irresponsible behavior pattern and is a general turn off.  At this point, I'm thinking to myself, "He's not really interested, he's just seeking advice from the older lady."  He invites me outside while he takes his break and I agree, again, having nothing better to do.   While outside, I run into my good friend Joe!  Hooray!  Joe goes inside with the friend he's with and I hang outside while DK attempts to seduce me into making out with him, here's how.  He tells me he likes chubby girls and that's why he's attracted to me.  Chubby.  I'm not a stick figure, I'm also not "chubby".  I wouldn't even call myself thick.  I'm a size 9.  Seriously, chubby?  This is how he hits on me.  I'm pretty sure he was negging.  Then he asks me if I'll make out with him while he steps off away from the window (you know, where his manager can't see).  I tell him that he's just horny and I'm just there.  He starts playing this stupid song with the lyrics "Lets make love..." on his phone.  Really?  Is this really happening?

"This might work on those younger girls, but it's not going to work on me."

"But you're blushing."

"I blush a lot."

"The tops of your ears are red."

"Just because I'm having a physiological response, doesn't mean I'm going to act on it." I said as I walked inside.  He followed. 

Yep.  That happened.  A 23 year old kid tried to lure me away into a corner where his manager couldn't see, where he played some stupid song on his phone that was supposed to convince me to go get some.  He has a lot to learn, the silly boy.

Meanwhile, there is no trace of BCG.  I join my friend at his table and get to know his friend a little bit.  DK kept finding reasons to come over to the table.  He just doesn't get it, the silly boy.  He's blown his chance, but he still thinks there's something salvageable there.  Not happening.  Nope, done. 

BCG never shows, but he does text me at 3:10 am, a full 2 hours and 40 minutes after the time we were supposed to meet...  "I dozed off waiting for my friend...are you still up?"  I chose not to reply to this or any text from him ever again.  I got my answer.  When my friend got up to leave, I also went to leave.  DK chose not to charge me for my coffee...  "I think I saw you drinking my coffee" he said.  I thanked him, did not tip him and left. 

This was actually an awesome night.  Why?  I dealt with two rejections from attractive guys that I was at one time interested in, and my self esteem took no damage.  Both of them critically failed their damage roll, effectively putting an end to this battle and all others in the future.  (Yeah, I just made an RPG reference...  what!?)  It's empowering. 

It helps that NMB and Hubby were texting me... including some sexy texting with NMB starting with me explaining the attempted making out:

This is clearly for the best.  The server's attempts at hitting on me included confessing that he likes chubby girls.  Really?  Chubby?  Wow.  Then Playing some cheesy song on his crappy phone speaker and trying to lure me away from the window so his manager wouldn't see.  I'm so glad I have more self-respect than that!
I do approve of this possession of self respect!  (I like my partners confident... and a little submissive in bed, but that's not mutually exclusive, fortunately.) 
Now you've got me thinking about being in bed with you!

Truly, I am subtle!

But effective.  Well, I got a free cup of coffee out of the server.  And ran into a good friend up there, so overall, a good night!  Now it's home to something with batteries that never lets me down.  Hubby is at work.

My experience is that vibrators die at the most inconvenient times, really.
P.S. The mental images from your last statement are nonetheless enjoyable to me. ;)

Oh good, so you feel my pain then.  If you lived closer, I would try to lure you into a booty call.

I assure you, if I either lived closer or didn't have my Monday-night-work-finishing to do I would be lured.

That's nice to hear, but less than satisfying ;)

I will try especially hard to make up for this lack of satisfaction next time I see you, never fear ;)

I understand the need to be responsible.  I'll appreciate the extra effort you have offered.

The responsible approach is certainly less fun, though.

Sigh.  Alas, it must be so.

This, combined with the fact that I have a date on the calendar with a long time friend who is both a really nice guy and hot and had a crush on me in the past.  All that and more, including camping trip and tent sex details, coming your way soon. 

Rereading those texts above forces me to ask the question: When would there be a convenient time for vibrator batteries to die?  Answer: Not possible.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

I'm Going Camping! No, He's Still Not My Boyfriend

I have one more 12 hour work shift, a stupid homework assignment and general trip prep in between me and a whole weekend of camping with NMB.   There are some interesting things are going on here and here are some random thoughts.

First of all, when I tell people I'm going camping, they say, "Oh, where are you guys going?" And I say, "Oh, Hubby's not going with me.  I'm going with a group of friends."   Most people are used to us going on trips without each other, but some people think it's strange.  People always thought we were strange for things that aren't strange.

NMB needs to be home by a certain time on Sunday in order to make the weekly dinner with the in-laws and avoid any potentially uncomfortable questions about his whereabouts.  That's a unique to poly situation.  

I will be introduced to some new people on this trip.  One of the first things they will learn about me will be that I'm on a camping trip with a man who is not my husband.  I will be introduced to people as Poly-Girl.  I'm not sure how I feel about this.  Mostly, I'm curious about the response.  I trust my friends to have open minded cool people as traveling companions.

I'm packing a lot of condoms and tiny packets of lube from work in my suitcase as well as baby wipes and a small trash bag for clean up in the tent. Better pack my cranberry tabs as well and maybe that extra diflucan.  Tent sex greatly increases the risk of UTI and yeast infection.

I bought a bikini.  It was $3 at a thrift store.  I took a pic of me trying it on in a dressing room and sent it to NMB via e-mail.  He approves.  I hope we get a chance to go swimming and the little mini fantasy in my head can play out a little in real life.  (We're swimming in a deep cool stream, splashing each other...  Then I'm making out with my legs wrapped around him and his hands all over me.  Oops, where'd that bikini top go?)

I'm going to make a serious effort not to drive my friends crazy with our ridiculous tendency towards physical affection.  Seriously, I could really piss off some cool people that I care about if I'm constantly disappearing in the woods with NMB.  (But, gawd do I want to do it in the woods in broad daylight!)  So effort will have to be made to BE social.

Alcohol:  I'm going to take advantage of it this weekend!

The One Where I Go Out With NMB and RUN INTO EVERYONE

Last night I had plans with Not-My-Boyfriend.  We had discussed going to the drive-in, since the smaller city that I live in near the big city has one.  I've been going there since I was a kid.  Since it's been raining a lot, the back-up plan was to see a local band at a bar I go to sometimes.

Now, I knew there was a chance that I would run into people I knew at this bar.  I figured it was not a big deal.  First hurdle, I realize that guy in the band that I know might think something is up.  Hubby sends him a message on Facebook and we're good there.  He has poly friends.  Whew.  (I was somewhat disappointed to hear that he has poly friends not that he was poly.  'Cause I've had a crush there for a bazillion years.)

Well, it was raining earlier in the day and we decided to just go to the show and forget the drive in.  This worked out rather well.  NMB could come by the house for a bit, Hubby went out to do his thing, I could have the place to myself long enough to get some affectionate behavior out of our system, and then go out to the bar.  Sounds simple, right?  I'm just hanging out at the bar with my friend...  that I have a really difficult time not putting my hands all over at any given time.  In hindsight, this was a really bad idea, but how was I to know that on this night EVERYONE would be there.  Seriously, I have gone to that bar many times by myself hoping that I would run into someone that I knew and been disappointed.

Well, we buy drinks and walk to the front of the room towards the "stage" which is really just a taped off area on the floor.  Before I reach the end of the bar, I run into one of nursing school instructors and his brother.  Okay, no biggie.  I say hi, introduce NMB, make sure we have current contact information, note that he doesn't ask about my Hubby like he usually does and we go out separate ways.  I had told him to stay for the show cause I knew it was up his alley.  Also, I texted him so he would have my number and we ended up texting throughout the night.  Second hurdle jumped smoothly without a problem and we're good.

I laugh about this with NMB, noting that I am terrible at keeping secrets.  We talk about the recent events of our spouses sleeping together.  I'm drinking.  He's drinking, but I'm drinking more than he is.  The band finally starts to play and after the first set, I note that my former nursing instructor has moved to sit at the table behind us.  That puts an end to the furtive under the table hand holding I was doing with NMB and the gentle one finger slide up my thigh that had occurred.  Okay, must use careful discretion....

My cousin had mentioned that he might come up there, so I was keeping an eye out for that.  My watchful eye catches Dick Pic walking by.  Dick Pic has this nickname cause he's kind of a creeper on chicks at work and we know that he has 10-12 pics of his dick on his phone.  He also puts girls number in his phone under titles like "sweet tits".  Dick Pic knows that we are poly, but he does not recognize me. 

At some point, I get a text from my cousin saying that he has arrived.  I get up to find him, walk past him at the bar and go outside to see if he's out there.  I hold the door for...  my conservative Christian aunt.  Fuck.  We chat, I turn around and there's my cousin and my uncle.  (I don't know how long he's been there.)  This is the "Oh Shit" moment. But I chat for a bit and excuse myself under the guise of not leaving my friend alone who doesn't know anybody here.   In this way, I manage to keep the group separate so NMB doesn't have to sit with my family.

I get another drink from the bar and run into Dick Pic up there.  He squints his eyes and stares at me over his beer until he recognizes me.  Dick Pic knows that we are poly, so no biggie.  He tells me, "You dress up nice."  I thank him.  Oh boy.   

I have a good laugh about how this was a bad idea, joke about leaving through the back door, and carry on.  The music was loud so the fact that we were getting near each others faces to say things wouldn't have looked weird.  I was trying to control my body language and not look too flirtatious with this person or let on that I've been intimate with him only hours before coming to the bar.  I think I'm doing a good job for the most part.  Once, we both turned to say something at the same time and our noses brushed.  Fuck.  We laughed.  He points out that my body language isn't overly flirtatious and that the fact that I'm laughing is acceptable since I've been drinking.  He also says "If you are concerned about indicators of intimacy, we have been drinking out of the same glass."  Fuck. He laughs.

I can't see my family anymore, I decide to see if they've left.  I approach the bar and they haven't.  Next thing I know, I'm dancing with my aunt near the front of the stage in front of NMB, stealing glances and being in a state of general total disbelief.

My old friend from high school was there.  I talked to him briefly about local band news (there's been some big developments) and I berate him for letting an important friendship fall to the wayside over money.  He tells, "You look like a girl!" Since I'm wearing a dress.  He swears he's never seen me that drunk.  (That's not true.)  I part ways with my high school friend and lean into tell NMB, "That's the friend I really don't want to know that I'm poly." He points behind me, I turn and see my aunt.  Seriously, wtf? She gives me a hug goodbye.

When NMB and I leave, I wait until we've walked around the block and kiss him.  I kiss him more in the truck and we make out heavily in the driveway with my husband watching from the window upstairs.  Oh, I'm getting hot just thinking about it.  NMB wonders out loud if Hubby might be watching and my phone chimes with a text.  "Come Upstairs :)" It says.  I go back to making out and turn to see Hubby standing in the doorway.  He walks out, shakes NMB's hand and I follow him.  Once inside the front door and Hubby pins me against it and kisses me deeply.  We have sex shortly afterwards.

So that's how my night went and how I ran into EVERYONE.  I also had sex three times, twice with my husband and once with NMB.  I made eyes with my monogamous musician crush.  I threatened to beat up my old high school friend.  I was told I'm a violent drunk.  I made NMB laugh a lot.  In general, handled a potentially weird and awkward situation quite well, thank you very much!  I guess I better get used to it!

Unintentional Spouse Swap: No, We are Not Swingers!

I haven't blogged about this yet, despite it happening last week.  It may have something to do with having to finish an obnoxious research paper for an obnoxious class.  Here I will tell you how my husband lost his nonmonogamy virginity, how I got the news, and how I reacted. 

Hubby had a date with the wife of Not-My-Boyfriend.  They had been texting for some time and being a little flirtatious, but not overly so.  I had been at their house the night before and had talked a little with NMB about the date, but neither of us knew what to expect.  Hubby arrived for homemade sushi, Netflix and, as it turned out, sex. 

I was at work.  I was supposed to get the news in the morning when I arrived home, but was really feeling okay.  I was ready for him to rip off the band-aid. 

Relative silence on the texting front from Hubby lead me to believe that something had occurred.  At 0338, I received the following message from NMB

"I gather that a band-aid has been totally ripped off.  How's that feeling?"

For just a moment, my head swam, then, I was fine.  In fact, I was grinning uncontrollably.  A big stupid Cheshire Cat, ear-to-ear grin stuck to my face for the rest of the night.  I had slight discomfort hearing the details that morning, but even asked questions and was generally just fine with the whole thing.  I walked in the door to our apartment and said to my husband, "You don't look any different." The big stupid grin was still there.  Who knows what people thought I was beaming about.  Who cares. 

So there.  We've done it.  We've unintentionally spouse swapped.  We've each slept with an outside party and survived.  We still love each other.  We still have great sex with each other.  The bottom hasn't fallen out.  Although, I must admit that part of the reason I waited so long to blog about this, was my fear that I'd not yet completely reacted, as though there is some avalanche of "appropriate" torment just waiting to unleash itself upon my psyche and wreak its havok on my soul.  I don't think this is the case, however, as I generally feel the way I did that night.   I love my husband.  I'm happy for him.  I want him to have more experiences.  I want to have more experiences.  I want both of us to get as much quality tail as we can and when we're old we'll sit around with our mobility devices and talk about our bowels and how many people we've fucked.