An Unexpected Third

It may have been somewhat absurdly timed, as things often are in my world, but the husband and I had an experience last night.  Well, two experiences, really.  I suppose it would be best for me to write about them separately, even though they were really one.  We had sex with a third party.  I had sex with a female-bodied person.  This happened while I am 38 weeks pregnant!  What the hell, Life?  You are one tricky MF.  Way to keep me on my toes!  Perhaps the hormones of impending motherhood are making me extra mushy, but this was a profound experience for me in several ways and I don't know that I have completely processed it yet.  I'm not going to write out a play by play.  Trust me, it was hot, but I want to write about the feels. 

First, there is the experience we had as a couple.  I've blogged before about the challenges we've encountered with opening our marriage and the added stress of the pregnancy.  Last night felt like the bookend to the beginning stages.  I feel like we've achieved a comfort level together that was difficult to imagine not that long ago.  The experience closed the first chapter on our poly life.  We have graduated.     I faced one of my fears in watching him with someone else.  Coming from someone who once demanded a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy with my husband's porn viewing, this is a Big Deal.  (This is not something I'm proud of, but it's true, blaming my Catholic upbringing goes a long way for crap like this.)  It's a good example of how much I've managed to grow as a person in the last year.  My confidence and security has increased exponentially.  I watched him flirt and wrestle and eventually kiss another person and I never felt the slightest twinge of jealousy or anything icky.  I was turned on!  Compersion, I has it.  My emotional homework was done and I was prepared for the test.  I didn't have to think.  The answers were there.  I was proud of the way we communicated in the beginning and throughout the experience.  It demonstrated our comfort level and the skills that we've learned.  I can't say that I didn't have any insecurities.  Having a new sex partner at this late stage of pregnancy did arouse some misgivings about my physical state, but I was reassured in a way that made me comfortable again.  The whole thing felt natural and organic and comfortable and just nice...  I did not expect it to be like that.  I expected a certain amount of discomfort for my first experience.  I was prepared to tread very carefully and take things slowly so that I could handle the negative emotions that were bound to come up.  The negativity never happened.  In the possibility of outcomes that I considered, one where everything went perfectly had never seemed a possibility.  I just wanted to fuck up as little as possible.  This is why I feel like we've graduated.  We aren't noobs anymore.  We can get things right the first time and walk away from a new and potentially delicate experience feeling good.  

The second part of this is my first experience with a female bodied person.  I first recognized my attraction to women in high school.  Aside from a few experiences during truth or dare games while drinking underage, I had not had the opportunity to explore this side of my sexuality outside of my head.  I had gone from one monogamous relationship with a man to another and at some point I started assuming that I wasn't bisexual at all.  I wrote it off as teenage hormones being out of control.  Why not?  I was perfectly satisfied with my male partners.  Opening had the side effect of reminding me of my attraction to women and gave me the opportunity to explore this again.  There were a few awkward and uncomfortable dates at the beginning of my OkC exploration, but again life got in the way and I decided not to pursue the experience at this time.  Then there was pregnancy and I put all new dating on hold.  Again, I was looking at an unspecified date sometime far in the future to fulfill my desire for exploration with a female.  I had accepted this.  

Thanks to last night, I can now go into motherhood having experienced and fully embraced my bisexuality.  I did not feel forced.  I didn't feel like I was just performing for my husband.  I was 100% in my body and in the moment.  I wanted it.  I enjoyed it.  I want it again.  Any self doubts I had about misinterpreting my attractions have evaporated.  I can completely claim bisexuality as a part of my identity, just as I can claim poly.  I don't have to wait and wonder about this any longer.    

I can't complete this post without expressing my gratitude to the person who gave us this gift.  I hope that she will spend more time with us in the future.  She is kind and comfortable and sweet.  She is beautiful and warm.  She gave us a special experience and I will be forever grateful.

Three Words

Since this blog is no longer totally anonymous, it is the nature of the beast that some things must be blogged about after the fact instead of using it to work out my feelings.

For quite some time now, three words have been be-bopping around in my head when I've been around NMB.  You know the three words I'm talking about.  Three words that I apply liberally to friends.  I love my best friend.  I even love some of my coworkers.  For some reason, applying them to a second romantic relationship was much harder.  I'm not sure why that is.

I had been putting it off.  I knew that I would have to say it first and I wanted Hubby to be in a place where he wouldn't be hurt by it.  I was also comfortable.  NMB made me feel an important part of his life without it.  The shared calendar, the warmness I received from his wife, communicating about important things, just being happy for me when I told him I was pregnant...  these are things that made me feel happy and content the way things were.  I knew that sooner or later the words would be said, but I saw no reason to rush them out of my big mouth.  The relationship progressed slowly and naturally and it was easy, despite my early insecurities.  I felt loved before I was told.

However, I was starting to feel like it was time.  Pregnancy hormones may have contributed.  Hubby has also been in a better place.  Despite it being just a decent human being thing to do, the ongoing to commitment to me through a pregnancy and new parenthood was really touching.  The words were going to come out.  They were waiting behind my lips during sex, they would still be there after when cuddling.  It was going to happen.

I talked things over with Hubby and I gave him some time to digest.  I didn't say the next time I saw NMB.  I waited.  However, the other night, I wanted to make it happen.  He was here, at our place.  We had long finished our typical amorous activities.  We were cuddling and talking, post coitus, in the new bed in our apartment.

I hid my face and hinted at what I was going to say.  It was quite obvious where I was heading, but he didn't help me out.  When I finally got the words out and looked him in the eye, there was a pause before he responded with

"I love... pie."      
"Really!?"
 "I love you too"
"Really!"
"It was on 'How I Met Your Mother'"
"Oh, you owe me for this one"
"A little bit, maybe"

So, that's how I told my boyfriend that I loved him, how I arduously forced the words out after much anxiety only to have him respond with a quote from "How I Met Your Mother."  Awesomesauce.  Actually, what is so strikingly weird about this is how similar it is to something my husband would have done.  He often makes cheesy jokes and puns when I try to be serious and show affection.  Sigh.  This is what I attract, I suppose.  Well, I would rather have someone(s) who makes light of life, even the serious moments, than someone(s) who had no sense of humor.  

THAT didn't go as well as I had hoped.

My skills are rusty or perhaps they were nonexistent to begin with.  I just attempted a Facebook chat conversation with a hot guy I know IRL.  I've been crushing on him for months, only stepping back to allow my good friend to pursue him.  When she announced today that she was moving on, I received official permission to put him back on my radar.  It was promising tonight as he was on Facebook chat, which is a rarity.  I opened a conversation and rolled out my open-relationship-poly status.  It's a first step, if they don't know the open-status then I'm seen as married and off limits and therefore flirting is for naught and wasted energy.  I have to come out if I have any hope of getting someone interested. 

Here's how that went.  I revealed.  He signed off Facebook.  I think I struck out.  I've got crickets and cicadas over here.  I didn't even make it out like "I'm in an open relationship and I want to see your O face" (Which is totally the nickname I gave him early on, O, for O Face, 'cause I wanna see it.) I told him about my boyfriend, which is totally not something you tell someone you want to get up on, at least not right away.

It's been 40 minutes and he's completely vapor trailed.  Gone.  Dissipated into the Facebook ether from whence he came.  Clearly, I need to work on my skills.  I ain't got no game.

Oh well, I have a husband and a boyfriend and a Hitatchi Magic Wand.  I live a very satisfactory life over here.  One hot guy who can't handle the truth isn't enough to get me down.   Now, if I could just get those crickets to shut up.

...Post Script
There still lies some small shred of hope over here.  There were several times in the conversation that FB showed him typing where he ultimately said nothing.  As though he was starting to say something and rethinking it, before I rolled out the secret.  It's possible that he's intimidated by me and rolling out the secret was just too much and he signed off because he had no idea how to respond.  This is what the positive not-paranoid part of my brain says.  Not likely, but if I want to keep the hope that the kiss that I dreamed about might happen in real life, it's what I got.  In the meantime, can anyone recommend a book on picking up guys?  My track record over here is starting to suck.

I misjudged the situation entirely, at least from what he says.  Hours after I went to bed, O finally responded to my message.  He stated that he was cool with the open stuff and he did not intentionally sign off Facebook.  He also reiterated that he isn't able to date right now because of schedules.  This may have been directed at me.  It also may have been directed at a previous comment about my friend trying to date him.  (Most likely, my friend.  He knows she was interested.  All he knows is that I'm available.)  This is good news.  I'm a good person to date for people with busy schedules and he revealed that he is unattached.  He also said he's totally willing to hang out.  Now, to practice those skills I don't have...

My husband likes my boyfriend's brownies

The other day I went over to NMB's house to hang out with him and his wife.  Their daughter greeted me with a hug and a kiss when I walked in.  I just think that's really cool.  I love borrowing other people's kids.  I like knowing that she likes me and I'm not disrupting her life in some weird way when I show up and steal her dad's attention.  His wife made dinner.  I played Bananagrams with her while he made brownies.  He distracted us with the brownie batter on the beater.  We had brownies and after the kid was in bed, NMB and I made good use of the bedroom while his wife played video games in the next room.  That's code for sex, by the way.  I had sex with my boyfriend while his wife played video games in the next room.  Afterwards, we all played Cards Against Humanity.  Then I got a back rub.

Did you get all that?  I got dinner, games, brownie batter and brownies, sex, more games and a back rub.  All of that was in addition to great company for the evening.  This is what being poly gets me.  Life is good.  NMB sent me home with a couple brownies, one of which was meant for my hubby.  He liked it.  The fact that my husband likes my boyfriend's brownies makes me giggle.  As NMB said it, "There's not many people who can make that precise statement!"  I replied "It's a point of pride."

An observation I made while hanging out with NMB and family...  while I feel totally welcome and at ease around them both, I can see how hanging out with a married couple could be intimidating for someone who is dating one of them.  The inside jokes from the long shared history, the knowing what the other is thinking, the shared domestic activities...  those are a powerful part of a long term relationship that could be hard to see for someone on the outside with a romantic interest in one of them.  In my case, I liked seeing the two of them together.  They are cute.  I like seeing them interact in the same way that I like seeing any positive successful couple interact.  I have a similar situation in my life and it's easy for me to understand their connection.  However, for someone with no experience with marriage or a long term relationship, this could be difficult to understand and therefore intimidating.  I resolve to keep this in mind while meeting metamours in the future.  I hope to keep them as at ease as I am around NMB and family.

The Internet has relationship memes that I disagree with.

I have a problem with some of these "romantic" relationship memes floating around on Facebook and Pinterest.  They popularize and reinforce the cultural myths about relationships that cause them to fail.  These are made by the same people who pick "Passion" over "Dedication" on that OkC question that asks "Which makes for a better relationship?"  Passion can just as easily end things as it begins them.  Dedication is what makes a relationship work for the long haul.  The majority of okc users  pick "Passion" and I don't get it.  Here's an example of what passion can lead to and that's just crazy.  I prefer my relationships to be stable with lots of affection and fun things thrown in.  

Below you will find these memes along with my sarcastic commentary. 

Oh, look!  A sunset!  Aw!

This hits directly on the Passion vs Dedication problem.  This is Passion-driven relationship strategy.  It is built on the false belief that love should be easy and if it ever gets hard then they are wrong for you and you should DTMFA and move on.  This is not how relationships work, people.  If you want to be together, you might have to work at it.  You won't just drift back together if it's meant to be.

All your love are belong to us!

What does this mean exactly?  Romantic love?  What if they love their best friend?  When you have kids and she loves your kids are you going to be jealous of that love? Even in monogamous relationships your partner will love someone else.  Having to be in the center of their universe and be the only one they love is seriously insane, like controlling and abusive insane.  I just checked out http://supremeowl.com/ and found this little gem on homepage.  Point made. 

I only read your e-mail and make you give up all your opposite sex friends and isolate you from your friends and family because I LOVE you, baby! I wouldn't do that to anyone else because I only love YOU. 

It's people with these sorts of opinions, like those behind Supreme Owl that are destroying traditional marriage.

No one can make you happy but me! 

Dude, I don't agree.  Again, we have the false belief of "I must be the only thing in your universe to make you happy ever!"  How far does this go?  If a cute waiter brings her a refill with a wink and she smiles, is it all over?  How does he prevent this?  By no longer allowing his woman to look at cute waiters?  Is it only threatening if the guy is young and hot?  What if she smiles at an old man while she listens to him tell stories?  That's okay, right?  I'm so confused. 

If these hoes would just back off, he would love me forever.

Again, the external forces trying to break you up.  "Everything would be perfect if I was the prettiest girl in the world!"

They should have no friends but each other...  wait... 

Here's another one from that same myth.  I could forgive some of this if it was being posted by teenagers, but these are 30-somethings and up posting this stuff on Facebook.  Sigh. 

Hahaha... 

This one could be interpreted as anti-poly, but I'm certain that's not it's intended purpose.  It must be about an overbearing mother-in-law. Right?  No?  Sigh.  This one is about those hoes trying to break you up too, isn't it?

'

Minimum requirements.

Except for the jealousy=love myth portrayed in this one...  these are pretty darn minimal requirements for a real boyfriend.  He has to call you once in a while, be consistent with texts, want to spend time with you, is emotional and protective...  Pretty basic stuff here people.  If you are dating someone who doesn't want to spend time with you, you're doing it wrong. 

He's hot, so he must know what he's talking about.

I understand there is some debate about whether or not Johnny Depp even said this, ever, but the Internet loves it.  I've seen this everywhere.  Poly philosophy aside, I have so many issues with this.  Again, external forces do not reflect upon the love in your relationship.  Falling for someone else isn't proof that your first love is a sham.  It's proof that you you love two people.  This is a common enough occurrence in our society that we have two really popular books/movies with it as a theme and that's just right now in our pop culture.  (See: The Hunger Games and Twilight)  It happens.  One love does not diminish the other, whether you choose to explore it or not.  If you believe this, you will spend your life practicing serial monogamy in a turbulent series of relationships, giving up one for the next searching for this elusive "perfect true love" that doesn't exist.  

And we're worried about gay marriage messing things up?  Honey, Facebook and Pinterest are way bigger threats to marriage than rainbow-colored ceremonies ever will be. 

Oh, hai Reality!

Sunday was another icky day for me.  My self esteem was in the crapper and I can't even blame my cycle.  This time it was circumstantial and well, to be honest, kind of a pity party.  My success with dating has been nonexistent for the last few weeks.  I've had several cancelled dates, an uncomfortable encounter with a real life creeper, disappointment and weirdness with Hulk...

Everyone is getting laid but me.  Hulk got it on with an okc match over the last few weeks.  Hubby got it on with a 20 year old on Friday.  NMB got it on with same-name-weird-spelling chic on Saturday.  I got that news the same time I received the news that he wouldn't be able to join me on an upcoming float trip.  This combination of events sent me to a rather ugly place for a day or so.  I didn't sleep at all yesterday.  It was a mini version of this.  I wanted to fix my flawed thinking, but I couldn't do anything to make myself feel better.  I was internalizing all of the external forces and decided that there was a fundamental flaw somewhere.  I searched for it.  And if I was fundamentally flawed (too fat? not smart enough? too emotional? overly attaching? just plain old shit?) why would NMB want to be in a relationship with me?  When everyone I'm in a relationship with is connecting with new people and no one on okc is even giving me the time required to write a message, why would the people I'm in a relationship with want to continue to see me?  It must be that they are just missing something.  They somehow haven't seen the Big Flaw yet.

I was even giving myself a hard time for having these emotions.  "See, why would anyone want you?  You decide you want to be poly and you can't even handle it.  You thought you were an emotionally healthy person and then, well, look at you.  Just shit.  You can't even get out of bed.  Why would he want to date you when you can't even handle this minor little thing?  Hubby's not going to tolerate this forever, now that he knows how easily he can find someone else, why would he put up with your crazy ass?  You're just like your mother, melting down into crazy-mess."  I was berating myself just for having the negative emotions, for not being perfectly even keel and taking it all in stride.  The negative emotions formed a positive feedback loop of negativity.

feel bad about yourself --> feel worse about yourself for feeling bad about yourself --> feel even worse about yourself --> feel even worse about yourself for feeling even worse about yourself --> pile of shit

I began to pull myself out of it by reaching out to my friends.  My friends are fantastic, by the way.  It's not often that I need reassurance like this, but did they ever pull through.  Everyone reminded me that this is temporary that Hubby was in the same place not so long ago and that's how dating goes.  They all encouraged me in some way.  One offered to be my pimp, one told me I was an awesome person...  they all assured me that it would turn around.  This was a start.  I made a conscious decision to work through it, but how?  Use your resources.  In handling unfamiliar emotions with no cultural background noise to teach me what to do, I have to seek guidance from the masses of people who are have experienced this.  I read some articles on http://www.morethantwo.com/ including this one on managing jealousy.  I actually sat down and started making a list of things I value about myself.  I realized that the things I was writing down are the same traits I value in others.  This is the important stuff.  This is the stuff that makes people good.  As I wrote, I thought that little things that I don't like about me, such as occasionally losing control of my emotional state, are minor and that overall I'm a really good person, dammit. (+1) I found evidence for this in my long term friendships (+1) and support (+1) from these friends, many of whom are new friends because I make friends easily. (+1) I remembered that the whole reason this was possible for us was because I am open minded (+1) and can make positive change in my life when I see the need for it. (+1) I reminded myself that I'm a nurse and I save lives for cryin out loud! (+1)  I was reminded that I've had coworkers tell me that they want to orient with me when they become nurses (+1).  I've had new nurses tell me that I don't make them feel stupid when they ask a question. (+1)

The character points were building and I was getting closer to a level up.

I can pick out douchebags. (+1) Which is probably a big reason why I'm not dating a whole lot right now.  I'm being selective.  I'm not going out with the douchebags.  The selection is thin and this doesn't reflect on me, it reflects on the dating pool.  (+1) Just because creepers send me messages all the time, does not mean I'm worth less. (+1)  This is part of having a high emotional IQ. (+1) People come to me for advice and leave feeling better. (+1)

LEVEL UP!

I had turned the corner.   I was remembering how awesome I am.  I am awesome.  I'm not perfect, but there's no reason why I should hate myself for getting a little insecure.

These emotions are brand new with no social context.  I'm sharing my husband and my boyfriend.  How do you handle that?  I have no real examples to follow.  I haven't spent a lifetime watching sitcoms about resolving jealousy and insecurity in relationships.  On the contrary, sitcoms, romantic comedies and internet memes reinforce jealousy as proof of love and commitment.  They teach you to embrace it, not to battle it and beat it down to the depths where other irrational emotions belong.  I can't expect myself to perform perfectly when faced with things that make me feel icky.  This is a learning experience.  That's why I'm writing this blog, to chronicle my mistakes, document my feelings, work through them with the written word and finally to have a record of my personal journey into making polyamory work.

I went to work on a definite upswing.  I had a good night at work, where I felt like what I did mattered.  My patients were all super nice and appreciative.  I made it through my shift on the fumes of coca-cola and chocolate ice cream.  When my head hit the pillow that morning, it was my 31st hour of no sleep.  I slept great.

That afternoon, I received a text from NMB informing me that he had shared his google calendar with me.  This is kind of a Big Deal in poly relationships from what I understand, at least in jest.  I recognized this as a gesture. (You can correct me if I'm wrong.)  I reciprocated and looking at each others' days we were able to pick a date for going to the drive-in finally!   Once it was decided, we both plugged it into our calendars and they showed up at about the same time.  It was nerdy and awesome.  "Go go relationship!" he said.

This gesture put things into perspective for me.  NMB made the move to share google calendars, my husband made me pizza when I was feeling down and hardly eating anything, my friends sent me encouraging texts...  How dare I throw a pity party for myself?  My life is rich with fun, interesting, intelligent and caring people that I value and that value me!  How dare I take that for granted?  I'm very obviously dating someone who cares enough to reach out with a gesture of intimacy when he didn't even know the full extent of my craptastic pile of poo day.  I have a husband and a boyfriend and oh, by the way, they both cook for me.  I say to myself, "Shut the fuck up, you fool!  Look at what you have in your life!  Look at it!  The fact that they are bumping uglies with other pretty girls is of no consequence and is no reflection on you.  The fact that you are getting piles of messages from douches on okc and a minimal reply rate doesn't mean you are broken!  It means okc is full of douches!  Appreciate what you have, work through the crappy feelings when they happen and shut the fuck up and be happy for yourself!  You are graced with intimate relationships all around you from people who choose to be your friends and lovers.  You have the freedom to turn friends into lovers and let each relationship be what it will.  Shut this pity party down right now.  No last call.  It's over.  Go on!" 

 

It's Saturday Morning, Time for me to write about the last few days.

Thursday afternoon:  I'm awake when I should be sleeping due to having to run an unexpected errand.  I log onto okc and see that Skittles had sent me a message.  We had a successful chat a few weeks ago and I shot him my number at the end, then I heard nothing.  I figured he vapor trailed, but I did check out his profile after that and he checked out mine.  It's a short message, but he's also online so I turned on my IM and chatted.  Turns out he doesn't have a phone right now, making my number useless.  He asks if I have Skype.  I don't, but I go ahead and sign up.  The call connects, but there's no audio.  He confirms so in an IM.  I had to quickly figure out how to IM on that software, and then we were video IMing.  I find him quite attractive.  He's tattooed and pierced and generally scruffy.  He complimented my appearance in the following ways...  said I was hot, said I have nice teeth, said my husband (who could be seen walking around in the background) is a lucky man because I am "fucking hot".  This felt particularly good as I was essentially in my pajamas.  Complimenting my teeth was nice as I am one of the few people in my generation to never have braces.  I have nice teeth for never having had braces.  I do not have nice teeth when compared to most people my age and younger.  I am an anomaly with slightly crooked teeth and a mild overbite.  After that lovely self esteem boost I headed to bed, but not before setting up a date for next week.  Woot!

Thursday night: I swear I think that just about everyone that saw me, complimented my hair!  It was truly a good hair day!  Something I rarely have.  I switched back to pure coconut oil for antifrizz, that must be what did it!   I was over the moon.  The last 24 hours have given me the feedback that I'm fucking hot with nice teeth and great hair. 

Friday night: I got up early-ish and headed to Hulk's.  We had plans to participate in my community's annual night time bike ride, the Tour de LikeImmaGonnaTellYou.  I got there early so we could grab some dinner.  He was expecting his kid to be dropped off at 6pm.  I arrived about 4:30.  He came onto me, got me to peel of my bike shorts, got my shirt off, was making out with me...  Then his head was on my chest again with that same sense of defeat.  We talked about it.  He was afraid that what happened last time (loss of erection) was going to happen again.  I reassured him that we didn't have to have sex right now.  By this time, we were expecting his ex-ish wife to show up with the kid in about an hour...  talk about pressure to perform.  I strongly encouraged him to not attempt sex right now.  I guess I just want us to be set up for success.  The failures do bother me.  I internalize them a bit no matter what.

Throughout our conversations in the meantime, the following bits of information were revealed.  Cue list format.

• He often has that problem the first time he has sex with someone.   
• He has been dating someone else.  He had the same problem with her the first time.  The second time, they successfully slept together.  He used a condom, I asked to be sure.  I'm betting it was one of the ones I left there.  If that's the case, I'm sure glad I did that.  Maybe I need to drop off a box.  (Fun fact: This has no potential of being serious.  This is at least in part due to her inability to successfully deduce strategy for the game Plants Vs Zombies. Something I've literally seen toddlers successfully play.)
• His ex-wife has a history of getting jealous when knowing about his dating.  She got on him about having a date stay the night with the kid there.  She said he was teaching the kid bad morals since they are technically still married.  Yikes!  I'd hate to think what she'd have to say about my morals!  Complicating that, we are in the same profession, she having graduated a year after me from the same nursing program, but works at rival hospital across town.  There is a chance that I could one day have to see her professionally if she were to jump ship and come to our side. 

These facts, combined with some other aspects of his personality, assure me that I could never seriously date him.  Even if I was single and dating, the jealous ex-ish moral-spouting wife would be enough to make me uncomfortable.  I don't want that kind of drama.  We have a decision to make.  Be discrete or come clean about it.  If she finds out, it's going to get way weirder than I wish to invite.

I decided that perhaps the best way to handle the ex-ish wife situation is to be gone when she arrives with the kid.  I plan to order food and go pick it up.  I'm punching things into the Jimmy John's app for pick up and he looks up.  "Oh shit, she's here!"  'Okay, how do you want to handle this?"  He asked me to hang out in the bedroom and went outside to meet her.  I felt like Bob Loblaw ("I shall hide behind the couch.")  Sitting there alone I thought to myself, "This would have been way less weird if I had just waved and smiled."  She knows that I'm married and that we have mutual friends.  She is not likely to think this is weird.   She did ask him whose truck was in his driveway.  He told her.  She seemed fine.  Oh well, live and learn to lie better.  Sigh.  I really hate that part of it.

We got dinner, picked up some supplies, decorated our bikes and headed up to the ride.  It was a nice ride.  The weather was perfect for a night time bicycle ride.  We started at the back of the pack and made a leisurely trek on the 15 mile route.  It was quite pleasant.  I'm always one of the last to finish, but I don't mind.  People sit out on the route and cheer on the riders as they go by.  I wasn't in as bad of shape as I thought and I didn't even get really winded.   The route is mostly flat, so that's nice. I considered sneaking a kiss out in public like that, but when I got home and saw how many of my Facebook friends were also on the ride, I was glad that I didn't.  It's not like when I'm with NMB and I have to really work to keep my hands and lips to myself.  I'm starting to think of Hulk as more of a friend that I care about, like to cuddle with and kiss and might possibly, maybe, I dunno, have sex with someday.  The nice thing about poly is that it has room to be whatever it can be.  We rode past my in-laws and I waved enthusiastically to them.  We rode past the street I grew up on, down the hill I rode my bike down as a kid, past my grade school, near my grandma's house, and past my current residence.  The unfamiliar car out front told me that Hubby was having a successful date of his own with a woman he just talked to on Thursday afternoon.  After the ride, his text told me that his numbers have been increased to 7.  All of his post marital successes have been on the first date.  Sigh.  I honestly can't keep track of all of them anymore.  I think this is the 20 year old.  I haven't asked for details yet.  I find that I do better with that when some time has passed.

When we got back to Hulk's house, he put his daughter to bed and came onto me again.  It wasn't hard, staring at him walking around shirtless is certainly a nice enough sight to get me interested.  However, I felt that again, we would be setting ourselves up for failure.  I like dick and all, but I'm not about to go down there after a 15 mile bike ride, nor would I want him heading that way on me.  Also, the fact that his kid was sleeping in his bed meant that we would be relegated to the couch.  There are no doors in his WIP home and I'm loud.  He said I could stay the night.  Right, haha!  Ex-ish wife may not have been concerned that I was over there at 4:30 in the afternoon.  I'm damned sure she would have been concerned about me spending the night.  "It's not really any of her business" he argued.  "I agree, but your kid is capable of telling stories, you know."  The excuse that I was too tired to drive home wouldn't hold a lot of water either as I live about 0.5 miles away.  Yep.  These are things I think about.  Hulk may need some work on his Emotional IQ, another reason I couldn't seriously date him.

I did tease him about being a tease.  I told him "Next time" and headed for the door.  I stopped and went back for more kissing before committing to the decision to extricate myself from this.  "Next time." I said again as I left. I watched his porch light go out and I headed home.

Hubby's sex with _____ (Seriously, I can't remember this one's real name.  She plays roller derby, that's all I can remember.) was reportedly "neat-o".  Post being dumped, I'm happy that he had that.  On the other hand, I'm bummed.  Society has lead me to believe that sex should come easily for women when they want it.  Apparently not when they are looking for it.  Maybe I should try a less aggressive approach, put up a new picture on OkC...  I dunno.  It's hard to not get a little bummed out.  On the other hand, part of hubby's success is his feminist ideals and genuine respect for women.  That's a harder to find and I lose my interest pretty darn quick if it's not there.  Men can instantly become less attractive when they open their mouths or post some obnoxious opinion on their Facebook wall.  Things change quickly for him and they have the potential to do the same for me. 

Saturday morning: I woke after 3 hours of sleep and a dream about the hot IT guy from work coming onto me.  He was sitting next to me talking and without warning or explanation he tilted his head and moved closer and closer to my face until his lips were brushing against mine as he talked.  When I opened my mouth to protest, (Stop!  My friend has a crush on you!) he started kissing me.  It was way hot in my dream and I doubt he's nearly that smooth in real life.  Who is?  That was a Hollywood kiss right there.  My brain must be trying to reassure me and I thank it for that.  It also lead me to immediately text my friend who's crushing on him and confess.  She was cool.  Said that someone should be dreaming about him and wanted to know details.  She's a down to Earth super cool friend and she totally deserves this guy.  I want them to hook up.  But if she loses interest, she is to let me know.  In response to my dream, I made this meme.

Plans for today include going back to bed and going out the that gay part of Big City for the Slutwalk.  This will be a new experience for me!

I Can See Your Warning Signs. You Might Consider Dimming Them

Speaking as a nurse with a limited psychiatric background, this message reeks of crazy and douchebaggery (It's a word now, The Oatmeal says so. Actually, I think that once it's been spelled out in hundreds of thousands of dollars it is officially a word. So there!)

Just take a gander at this gem and enjoy my commentary.

Hi... In trying to figure out how to talk to you. I generally edit bc I tend to go as far as I can in silliness...

I don't mind silly.  I'm wary, but open at this point.  I'm not turned off yet, he has a chance.

Anyhow if I was at target and I over heard you talking to someone similar to that which you write... And well... potentially think... Then I would think... " She's cool..."

Oh, okay, this is a creatively written message.  I can forgive the grammar and the overuse of ellipses, as I often overuse ellipses... 

I'd try to be sneaky and sneak a look... Then I would think... "my kind of hot..."

That's a compliment.  It's not terrible.  It's not great.  

I just moved to STL... There are a lot of cool things to do here... There are a lot of cool people to do here...

Here is the record scratching turning point.  Now I'm leery.  

But that's not a point as much as fun with wording. I would like to meet you for a $4 coffee or a $5 craft beer... And an opportunity to flirt... To hopefully arouse your interests...

Clever and cute wording there, but let's read on...

To well get your clothes off of you... I find that I get really confident once clothes are off...

What.

At that point i'm like "sweet now I don't have to worry about going too far... Now I can concentrate on her having the best and most orgasms ever". I'm a fan of giving.

Really?  You are going to proclaim to me in an opening message that you are going to give me the best orgasms ever?   That might work on someone who isn't having multiple fantastic orgasms all the time, but not on me.  I'm super happy that you are a fan of giving.  My husband and boyfriend are too and they've never had to proclaim this to me or anyone.  In fact, I'm going to take this as proper evidence that you are not good in bed.  Ladies and gentlemen of the blog-o-sphere did you catch the finest nugget of douchebaggery hidden inside these few sentences?  I'm using the word sentences loosely.  The finest nugget of douchebaggery is the fact that this guy thinks that once the clothes are off, he no longer has to worry about "going too far".  This sounds like date rape.  It's a bright red flag waving in the wind that says "DATE RAPIST: NAKED=CONSENT"  I'm concerned.  This makes me revisit his confidence in nakedness and question exactly what he means by confidence.  I'd delve further into it, but I don't know his real name to search for in the sex offender database.  Seriously?  This guy thinks I'm an idiot and I think he's an asshole. 

I don't keep score... But I think I have an over achiever complex with turning a lady out so to speak... I heard somewhere that it's because I used to be overweight. (they try harder). Which would explain why I never had a great BJ.

This is the part where I'm supposed to say, "I could give him a great BJ." and endeavor to prove myself right by scrambling to get to his cock as soon as possible.  Puh-lease!

I dated a lot of skinny women.

So...  am I supposed to be flattered that you are interested in my fat ass?  Fat chicks suck better cock?
Is this an approach like DK used and your secret attraction to "chubby girls" is supposed to make me feel special and let you come in my mouth?  I'm genuinely confused by this remark.  What is the purpose? 

Anyhow I'm worth a look. : ). If anything I'm really awesome at oral

Oh, you are worth a look alright.  You are worth a psychiatric evaluation and script for anti-psychotics, maybe a little therapy and behavior correction.  As for me, I'm still considering how exactly to respond to this, if I respond at all.  I don't want to be an Internet bully, beyond ripping him to shreds with his identity concealed on my anonymous blog that no one reads, but I do want to say something to him.  It's likely for the best if I don't do this.  I don't need to teach him to conceal his red flags.

This is the stuff that makes OkC so worth the experiment.  Well, and sometimes you get lucky and find NMB.  I guess I'm realizing just how rare it is to find that sparkly connection with someone you enjoy being around.  As frustrated as I am that dating seems to have stalled for me at the moment, I take solace in the fact that I have an ongoing secondary relationship that I enjoy and can count on to continue.  Not to mention Hubby, who told me several times at work last night that he would like to drag me off somewhere and do dirty things to me.  The abundance of psychos on OkC only serves to remind me to be appreciative of what I have.  I also have to remind myself that what I have is more than what most people have and I'm having it honestly and as openly as I dare.  It's making me a better person.  Which is something I will analyze in a future post.  

How to Teach a Less Experienced Sex Partner

I've been Googling to seek advice on this topic and have come up empty handed.  I've found plenty of information about teen sex and how to be the less experienced sex partner (all written toward women) but I've not been able to find one decent article on how to teach someone with less experience.  Perhaps I am not Googling the right set of words, but I don't know where else to look.  There's probably something in the Savage Love archives somewhere, but it doesn't appear to be searchable so I'm still at a loss.  What to do?  I suppose I will attempt to write on article with the advice I expect to see and as I learn how to teach, I will revise this piece as necessary to reflect the knowledge I learn.

The reason I am seeking this advice in the first place is that I need some help with my Hulk situation.  The last time I went over to his place for pizza, TV and cuddling, I was really hoping I'd finally get a chance to have sex with him.  I wasn't sure as he was dealing with some hang-ups about me not being on birth control.  I was happy to hear that he was over this, but he admitted that he is inexperienced with condoms and is nervous about knowing how to use them.  This wasn't a problem, as I sucked his dick until he was plenty hard and I put the condom on.  Then he lost his erection after about 15 seconds of actual sex.  He felt really bad about this and kept attempting to get it back up by making out some more and getting me turned on again, only to fail again.  This was extremely frustrating. He offered to pleasure me with his fingers, but nothing was said about oral stimulation.  I have work to do.  Sigh. I have a lot of work to do.  The problem is, I don't really know how to do it.  He has the right attitude, he has asked me to teach him.  That's a start.  I just don't know how to go about doing that as the more submissive sex partner.  And he definitely wants me more submissive, when I've been on top of him making out, it makes him uncomfortable and he quickly changes position so he is in control.  I normally like this very much, but I'm not sure how to assume a teaching role from that standpoint.

With all of this in mind, and the lack of resources on the subject, here is what I would expect to find if I could find the advice I am seeking.

Be Patient
Don't expect your new less experienced lover to pick up everything in one night.  Remember that you were once less experienced too.  You didn't always suck cock like you do now.  You probably weren't always willing to do all the weird things you do now.   You may have to let them know what you expect of them.  For example, I expect a lover of mine to give, as well as receive, oral sex.  I will make this expectation clear.


Use Available Resources
If your partner is truly willing to learn, don't be afraid to give them a book to lead them in the right direction.  This lets them take a proactive stance and learn on their own.  Hopefully they'll put forth the effort and be willing to practice their new skills with pride and some degree of confidence.  If you suggest a book and they decline or seem offended, then you probably aren't going to get where you hope to go and may want to consider giving up or accepting sloppy inexperienced sex for the length of the relationship.  Don't use porn as a resource.

Point Out the Things You Enjoy Before Giving Advice on How to Do Things Better
Use good communication techniques when you are giving advice.  Say things like "I like it when you do x, but I might enjoy it more if you did it this way."  Make sure to tell them when they are doing things right.  Words are great, but using moans and body language can be just as effective.  Even so, using words will reinforce that you aren't faking it.

Communicate
This was partially covered above, but bears repeating here.  Don't be afraid to speak about anything, just be nice about it.  Be encouraging, but don't suffer through something that hurts or has no feeling because you are afraid to speak up.  If their ego is so fragile it can't handle talking about the sex you are having, you shouldn't be having sex with that person.

 




  

He is Now-My-Boyfriend!

He will remain NMB, but now NMB will stand for Now-My-Boyfriend.  :D

This makes me happy.  I bucked up and had a conversation about the label just like I said that I would.  We applied it.  When I left his house last night he said, "Goodnight, Girlfriend." Which actually sounded weird.  Labels always sound weird to me.  When Hubby and I got married, I found it very strange to call him "husband" and thus, I said it over and over until it felt right.

This changes nothing other than it gives me some reassurance that what we have will be ongoing.  I like that.  I pointed out that it changes very little, really, if either of us were to drop of the face of the Earth it would be a shitty thing to do to the other at this point.  Therefore, simply implying some small level of commitment doesn't really change things since I don't think either of us would be that shitty to each other.

All that said, I'm happy that I can now call him my boyfriend.

In other news:  I have a breakfast date on Thursday morning with someone that I've been texting casually for weeks.  He finally asked me out.  We'll see where this goes. 

And my insecurities surface again...

Arg. This is so dumb. I wish I could turn this off. I'm feeling jealous, but not with Hubby. I'm feeling jealous with NMB. What does this mean? I haven't figured it out yet. I'll try to unpack it here.

So here's what's got me bothered and up blogging when I should be sleeping in preparation for a perfectly promising date tonight.  I've had a string of unsuccessful dates, a long line of unanswered okc messages, a failed attempt at sex (I haven't even blogged about this.  I hate to admit I'm almost too embarrassed, although it was not my fault), a cancelled date...  I've been remarkably unsuccessful at dating lately.

When I last asked NMB what was going on in his dating life, I got the surprising answer that I was the only one he was seeing regularly.  He said he was slowing down on dating at the moment.  I guess this makes sense as his wife isn't dating right now either.

Then he tells me that he sent out a message to someone on OkC, went on a date with her and she went to Six Flags with his wife.  He gave me her OkC name if I was curious.  I shouldn't have looked.  And I definitely shouldn't have looked at her FB after she posted on his wall.

First I'm going to break down why these feelings are irrational, then I will tell you the ridiculous reasons they are bothering me. 

• I really am happy to keep things on a more casual level.  I don't know what more serious would mean and I like our once weekly dates.  I also don't want to give up any of my freedom as I'm only just enjoying it.  With my work schedule, I only have 4 free nights a week.
• He is obviously interesting in continuing to date me.  He just made arrangements to see me before his parents visit.  
• He missed me while he was in France. 
• He doesn't seem to end things with people he sees.  From what he's told me, schedules and moves end his extra marital relationships.  
• He went on a camping trip with me and we've discussed going on another one. 
• He's not a Vapor Trail and yet that seems to be what I'm afraid of.  
• We text on an almost daily basis and I've been told this is unusual for him.  
• We're poly.  He's not going to stop dating me because of somebody else. 

Here is why this situation is bothering me, irrational, all of them.  But I'm just going to blurt them out and get it out of my system.

• He messaged her despite saying that he wasn't really interested in dating other people right now.  What makes her so special!
•  She shares a craft skill with me, but she's way more prolific.  In fact, I'm fairly certain I've seen her stuff at a local con.  This should not bother me.  I'm quite certain NMB doesn't care that she crochets more than I do.  (Not necessarily better, mind you, just more.) 
• Her first name is the same as mine, but she spells it in such a way that is contrived and retarded.  I think Brayzin Bunnae would be the pseudonym equivalent.  (Why does this matter? It's probably not even her fault!)
• I've decided I don't like her and she pisses me off despite the fact that we are a 92% match on OkC.  (Okay, this is based on me thinking she seems really opinionated and obnoxious)
• NMB is the best thing I have going.  That comes off sounding desperate, but I really do like spending time with him and I REALLY like the sex.  I'd be pretty broken up about it if it failed.
• I'm PMSing.  Shark Week is here and I'm feeling like crap-o-la.

So this begs the question...  what am I to do?  Communicate, right?  But what do I communicate?  I don't want a change in our relationship.  I don't want to make things more serious just because I'm feeling jealous.  What I need from my husband when I'm jealous is reassurance.  I've decided that this is what I need from NMB too, but only the reassurance that he wants to continue to date me.  My insecurities are running pretty high right now.  I really want to feel better, but it's hard in the face of so many set-backs.

This is what I'm deciding.  We've been seeing each other regularly long enough that I think it's reasonable that we define our relationship on some level.  I will propose that we begin to use the terms boyfriend/girlfriend with the definition as follows. We continue to see each other and define things as we go along.  We won't fade away, it's an official relationship in that it requires an official break up.  I'll see him on Sunday and I need to bring this up then.  (Posted late, Sunday is now in the past.)

UPDATE: Before I could post this I had a phone conversation with him that made me feel better.  I called him after my awkward date.  He seemed happy to hear from me, stayed on the phone for a long while and was hesitant to let me go, I think.  He also mentioned this new girl and told me that we had the same name.  I said, "Ah, so you are seeing two girls named Brazen then"  He said, "Well, I don't know if I'm seeing her, we went on one date."  Sigh.  I blame the fact that my period just started on all of this irrational emotion.  I felt much reassured after all of that.

I Could Not Avoid the Awkwardness of This Date

I met a new guy last night.  Let's be simple and call him Argentina, since that is where he is from and that's a damn cool nickname.  Argentina speaks English very well, but has a thick accent that made it difficult for me to understand him.  This was not an insurmountable dating conundrum until you add in the fact that he is also hard of hearing.  I have a high pitched voice making it especially difficult for people with hearing difficulties to understand me.  The restaurant we chose was quite loud with background ambient noise.  Once all of these facts are considered, you will understand how difficult it was to communicate.

I honestly couldn't tell you much about Argentina.  I would have liked to ask more questions about where he is from, but he couldn't hear me well enough to accomplish this.  He was cute, boyish face, dark skin and dark eyes, black hair. 

The communication problems carried over into our orders as well.  Ordering two pizzas was the simplest solution, as we wouldn't have been able to communicate well enough to decide on mutual toppings.  Also, he doesn't like cheese.  I've never met someone who didn't like cheese.  I know people who can't eat cheese or choose not to eat cheese, but I've never known anyone who didn't like cheese.  His pizza came out with cheese.  Mine came out perfect. It was a deep dish with chicken, bacon and feta and it was fantastic!  They replaced his and offered the mistake pizza for free.  He declined.  I did not.  I got a free pizza to take home for my hubby this way.  He was very appreciative of that.

I was worried about how to end things gracefully, but once out of the restaurant I started walking towards my car and he walked with me.  We chatted awkwardly for a bit longer until he suddenly stopped and said he had to go the opposite direction.  One quick hug and a nice-to-meet-you later and it was over.  Whew.

I called NMB on my way home and we had our first phone conversation.  It was quite pleasant.  He'll be heading my way tomorrow night after his dinner with his in-laws.  I'm looking forward to it.

I Went to a Local Poly Event and This is What Happened

I went to a local poly event.  It's a group that meets monthly at a fantastic sex-positive coffee shop in Big City. Remember this guy?  He was there.  I tried to ignore it, but he was there.  He recognized me.  I recognized him.  I pretended I didn't make the connection.   He looked like he'd found the prize in the cereal box.  I tried to ignore this.  He was leering at me the whole time.  I tried not to look at his end of the table but every time I did, he was waiting to make eye contact with me.  I am not attracted to him.  I am utterly and completely creeped the fuck out.

The meeting was slightly awkward, but not terrible, except for the constant feeling of a stranger's unwelcome infatuation from across the table.  The people were nice, if a bit familiar with each other.  They tried to make me fit in by complimenting my appearance.  That Guy, as I hereby nickname him, tried to hold my gaze while he told me that I had on a very beautiful necklace.  It's a necklace that I like.  It was my grandma's (not the nice one).  It's a piece of costume jewelry and not something to be fawning over.  I thanked him.

Since I was seated in the middle of the table, I focused much of my attention at the opposite end of That Guy, so I didn't have to look at him.  This kept me from having to face the situation too much.  When the place closed and we all got up to leave.  I was formally saying goodbye to the new people I had just met, focusing on a group of folks from my Little City, and That Guy approached me.

"I just wanted to tell you how nice it was to meet you," he started as he held onto my hand longer than was necessary.

"Thanks."  I pulled my hand away from his creepy gentle grip.

"and how I'm already looking forward to the next time." He finished.  I was already looking somewhere other than his face.

"Oh. Okayyyy." I said as I awkwardly slipped away.

It's been hours and I still have the creeps.  I won't be going to another one of those meetings alone.   As NMB put it "and she never went to another meeting again."

Don't be That Guy at your local poly group or any group for that matter.  Just don't be That Guy.

I Promise I'm Not Trying to Ruin Your Life With Sex

My monogamous boy, Hulk, and I have been talking.  We're getting together again on Monday.  Unfortunately, nothing this week worked as my nights off correlated with him having his daughter.  Therefore, I will see him on Monday.  Since I'm hoping that I'll get laid on Monday, I inquired, via text, as to his comfort level at my lack of birth control.  It's not great.

He has no faith in condoms.  I can understand that to an extent, he has a kid.  He's experienced the failure of birth control.  I have not.

This is what he texted me:

Me: I'm curious, how's your comfort level with my lack of birth control?

 I would want to use some secondary means like spermacidal lubricant or something along with a condom.  It's likely to be extremely irritating to me. I seem to have the most sensitive v-jay-jay ever. Have you looked up EC?  Also-fun fact, plain ol' lube is damaging to sperm. If you are trying to conceive, you are supposed to use a special lube that won't hurt them.   I can try a spermicidal, but not nonoxynol 9, cause I know that stuff hurts.  

 

Hulk: Ya, but isn't EC expensive, and something you wouldn't use every time? I don't trust condoms by themselves, they aren't a reliable form of birth control, even if they don't break. They are considered a high risk birth control, and studies show fail roughly 15% of the time.  Condoms have to be used in conjunction with other methods if u truly want to be safe imo. EC is really effective if taken right away. I would only take it if breakage occurred. That 15% includes people who aren't using them correctly.  

 

Me: Other problem with spermicide is it increases the risk of disease transmission, making the whole multiple partners thing more risky.

Hulk: No, that's typical use, but even perfect use is 3% which is actually not too good either, but who's to say wed be on one end or the other. 

Me: We'll figure this out. :)  I also have a pretty good idea of when I ovulate, since we've been trying to conceive. I'm pretty confident in condoms, really. And I'm quite comfortable with their use.  

 

Hulk: I dunno, they just make me nervous. I feel like my entire future is on the line. Id have such a hard time dating after that, id probably end up never getting married and having a family. All I ever wanted was to just find love, and i fear ill end up being lonely and single forever. 3% means like after having sex 33 times, one might be a failure, to me that sounds like taking huge chances, if I can't learn from my lessons, then what good is that. Anyways, ima get to bed early. I'm beat, long day. Night. 

At this point, it looks like Monday will be a face to face conversation educating him that condoms are an effective method of birth control, especially when EC is used as a back up.  So, here is
my practice argument.  I don't know where he is getting this 3% failure rate from, but all my sources, including Planned Parenthood, say condoms are 98% effective when used correctly.  I am confident in
my skills at using them correctly.  I can make him confident too.

Now, that 98% effective rate does not mean that out of 100 sex acts, 2 will result in a pregnancy.  That is not how it works.  It means that out of 100 women who use condoms as a sole form of birth control, 2 will become pregnant in the first year.  That is not including EC as a
back-up method.  It also doesn't take into consideration that I have been having unprotected sex for a year and have not gotten pregnant.  I don't even think I ovulate every cycle.  I can tell when I do, I
think, and it doesn't happen every month.

He wants to use a spermicide as a back up.  I wouldn't have a problem with this except that spermicide is extremely irratitating to tissues and I have a very sensitive vag that gets upset at the tiniest infraction.  I've had PID.  I have frequent yeast infections starting from when I was a kid.  I get UTI's easily.  I do not need to be doing anything that will kill off my normal flora and give me the yeastie beasties.  In addition, spermicide is no longer recommended on a broad basis.  It is only recommended for people who are monogamous as it increases the chances of disease transmission.  And not just when it's being used, that tissue irritation won't go away right away, putting
me at risk with my other partners as well or even at greater risk of catching something from my husband if he gets something from a partner. The scariest thing is that it actually increases the risk of
HIV transmission.  Nope.  Nada.  F that noise.  I will not be putting toxic chemicals all up in my vag.

So it seems to me that we have to agree on a second back up method.  Unfortunately the choices are slim when you elimiate spemicides and things you need a doctor for.  The sponge sounds great, but it works because it contains spermicide, so that's out.  There's the Natural Family Planning method, which works pretty good and like I said, I'm pretty sure I know when I ovulate.  And there's EC.  And that's about it aside from caps and diaphrams and those require a doctor to get fitted and spermicide to be reliable.  I refuse to go back on hormonal birth control for many many reasons.

I think the other part of the conversation that will be important is reassuring him that if I get pregnant, he would only have to be involved if he wanted to be.  Otherwise, we would treat him like a
sperm donor.  No child support.  No court crap-o-la.  No awkward explainations to his family on how he got a married woman pregnant. Hubby and I discussed this, we've discussed adopting, so it's not that different.  Maybe hearing all of that will help him out too.

The thing is we're having a risk vs benefit discussion.  No birth control method is a guarantee against pregnancy.  If the very slight risk of pregnancy with me is not worth the benefit of fucking me, then
we might just have to walk away from this one, or stick to things that don't involve sperm going anywhere near my vag.

We'll just see how this works out.  I'm pretty confident that we can work it out in person.  Texting is not an efficient way to discuss such things. We're both adults, we can do this.

It's just so crazy to me, in order for me to get pregnant, in theory...  we need a remarkable chain of events.

1) I have to ovulate.
2) We have to be having sex right before or while I ovulate.
3) The condom has to break
4) The EC that I will take right away has to not work.
5) The egg has to implant.
6) The fetus has to be healthy, I'm more likely to have a miscarriage
due to a genetic abnormality.

That is a remarkable chain of events right there and it's unlikely to happen with no protection.  With a condom, it makes me chances of getting knocked up by him slim to none.  I'm not worried.  I don't
want to have his baby either, but I can see that it is not likely to occur.  I'll be working on this Monday and I'll let you know how it goes.

The Lowdown on the May Camping Trip

Ah, so I've put off blogging about the camping trip.  It will be a nice thing to reminisce about right now as I'm missing NMB more than I thought I would.  (He said he misses me too!)  In fact, in light of him missing me and the fact that I'm the person he's seeing most regularly, I might have the "can I call you my boyfriend" conversation soon, but I'm in no hurry.  We have been seeing each other for 3
months now.

Ah, so the camping trip.  I know what you want to hear about, you want to hear about tent sex, well you will.  But first I'll discuss the general feel of things.  The sexual energy between us was controllable and we managed to keep things at a level so as not to annoy my friends.  In general we sat near each other and occasionally took opportunities to sneak off and have little make out sessions.  (Oh, you need something from the car?  Let me go with you and attack your face with mine.)  During the car trip to a hiking trail on Saturday, we sat close and held hands.  He would gently run a finger or two along my inner forearm and make me shiver with goosebumps and desire. Oh, geeze, I miss that boy.  He got along well with my friends, having similar interests and working for the popular website that he does helped earn cred there.  His accent brought some pain to T, a new friend there who had recently broken up with a boy from England.  We did eventually have to explain the poly situation to T.  (Yes, we're married, but not to each other. Ha!)

Each night we retired to the tent with much pent up desire.  It was chilly outside, but clothes came off quickly anyway.  My tent has more open screen area than you want if you desire privacy, making the
slightly exhibitionist act of sex in a tent, even more risky.

It's dark, we've been pent up all day, therefore, it doesn't take long to get right down and dirty.  In the dark, in the tent, the condom went on and I climbed on top of him.  For the first time, I rode him.
The air mattress seemed to work well for this, contributing to our gentle rocking back and forth.  He played with my nipples while I rocked back and forth, grinding into him.  He tugged and twisted and I arched my back from the pleasurable pain he is so good at evoking from me.  Sitting up the way that I was meant that I would have been easily visible by anyone passing by if it weren't for the darkness.  The cool air felt good against my naked body and reminded me that we were outside under the trees.  That was just Friday night.  I rode his cock until he came and we fell asleep intertwined underneath the heavy quilt I brought for cuddling underneath. One thing that is nice about cuddling with a skinny guy, less padding, but being able to twist up into a little mess of limbs and various body parts.

Saturday night was a little different as we went for missionary.  The build up was the same, sneaking off throughout the day to make out a little and discuss what we were going to do later, Again, once
everyone was headed off to sleep in their respective tents, we climbed into ours and got naked as quick as possible.  He climbed on top of me and pounded away.  I came quickly and then came again and again.  I clutched his arms tightly and gripped harder to communicate my pleasure.  Once, a strange sound escaped me, despite my commitment to being quiet.  It was oddly distorted and likely unrecognizable as human, let alone, a human-sex-pleasure-sound.  He would lean his head
in close and we'd breath heavily together.  The air was again cool, but I didn't notice until we were done.  Unlike my husband, I can never tell when he's about to come.  It just happens, quite anti-climactic.  Again, we fell asleep curled up and intertwined.

Sunday made for an interesting day as the build up was there, but I dropped him off at home in time for dinner with his in-laws, and there was no time for nookie on that day.  Too bad.  And too bad I won't see him until Tuesday.  Less than a week, that's what I need to focus on. I'll see him in less than a week.  I'll get to tell him all about Bonnaroo and get his STI testing results and I'll get to experience
his expert lovemaking skills that I've been missing.

As I wrote this, I took a break to text him how I was horny for him. He wrote back and we talked about what we will do when we see each other next. Mmmm, I can't wait.

It's over. 10 years of friendship is over.

"She says I'm okay; I'm alright, Though you have gone from my life You said that it would, Now everything should be all right"

It's over.  Here's how it all went down over several hours via text message.  

G: First I wish to say I wasn't ignoring you last night, I had the phone on silent so as not to interrupt the Shakespeare experience for those around us This might be a subtle jab at my friends' kids, not sure.  There is already so much passive aggressive behavior that I can't tell anymore.  and thus didn't see you called for a bit. Second it may be pure semantics but I said "I was mislead, lied to, and disrespected tonight and I don't feel comfortable doing it right now." It being pet sitting, I did not call you or Hulk a liar directly. But I am not stupid, I know what is going on. True story, he only knows because someone told him and I told that person not to lie.  And I also know neither you nor he looked me in the eye let alone talked to me, which seems to me you both feel like there is wrong doing too. You want to talk, fine, but you can't dictate what I can and can't say to your husband either. I told him I wouldn't pet sit too and he asked why, I told him without saying specifically why (Hulk). If you want the talk in person tell me when you're available and if over the phone text and I shall call if I can. I am trying to enjoy today with my gf and her mom because it is her mom's birthday so may not be 100% free. 2:09 PM This is consistent with the same pattern that he's been playing with me over this.  He feigns a willingness to talk about it, but then claims unavailability.

Me: I truly want you to explain to me how what we are doing is wrong. And I can certainly have a problem with you saying hurtful and untrue things about me behind my back. I know what the whole message was. You are free to say whatever you want to whoever you want, but I think it's inappropriate to do that to a friend.  If I didn't talk to you, it was because I was concerned about your mood, you sat separately, asked for another blanket instead of joining the existing sea of blankets. What we are doing is not wrong, but I knew it would upset you on some level. There is a difference. 2:26 PM

G: Actually we stood awkwardly as besides J and later K, we weren't aknowledged as being there. Wasn't told "this is the area to sit in" or told you know, hi. We didn't ask for a blanket, J gave us one as we stood there confused. Suddenly blankets are confusing?  This is crap.  The blanket was on the ground.  He didn't need direction as to where to sit.  He also could have asked. We sat there in silence because no one talked to us. I know I offered them both pretzels and that his gf was talking with my bff. We may as well have been strangers.  I'm tired of being ignored and treated like a stranger by you people. You people!? And now Hulk is doing it too. So yay another friend completely lost. What happens when you two break up? What then?  Unless he has decided he doesn't want to get married and be with one person forever, you two won't last forever since you know you're already married.  I didn't say what you were doing is wrong I said you guys must feel that way as you hid it and refused to look or aknowledge me. 2:33 PM Or maybe we just didn't know how to do this without pissing you off.  Obviously, we've failed at this.

Me: I recall waving and saying hi. I didn't realize I would have to welcome you to the blanket I said I'd bring for you. I'm sorry you felt like a stranger.  I probably did feel a little awkward in regards to the situation, knowing you'd be upset, but I still don't understand why, just a sense because I know you generally disapprove of us being poly.  What happens when we break up is between the two of us, but since you asked I'll tell you that it's been discussed. He plans on continuing to date and I acknowledge that looking for someone who would be ok with the situation would severely limit his dating pool. Therefore, once he finds someone he wishes to be exclusive with, he is free to end things with me. It's an acknowledged temporary relationship. Also- I remind you- I hid it only based on your insistence that I not discuss who I dating. That decision was not to spite you, it was out of respect for you.  And don't write Hulk off as a friend. That's not fair to him. What we are doing is not wrong. 4:34 PM

G: You know what? You're right, you're not doing wrong, everyone involved is happy and knows what is going on. I am the only one who has a problem with it, so I am just completely removing myself from this. I overreacted last night and was just mad and felt hurt. I hate that at this point there are way to many people involved and are in the middle of it. And over what? Me having a problem, so I am just stepping away from it all. It is the most logical step, everyone else is happy and fine with it except me. I'm sorry I am not okay with it but this way we can all be happy and healthy without worrying about what the other thinks. I don't hate anyone involved, I'm not mad, or talking anything negative about anyone. I love you all but just not comfortable with any of it. So I am done, I hope the best for you all. 4:57 PM Passive aggressive and not at all genuine, but what he's saying here is the truth.  Everyone else involved is fine, he's just hoping it will all blow up and someday we'll tell him he was right.

Me: I feel like you haven't given it a chance to become comfortable with it. I promise it's different from other open relationships that you've seen. I have made the effort with all of my friends to give them the chance to ask questions and be sure they have a good understanding of what it is and what it is not. You haven't allowed me to extend the same courtesy to you.  There are books, podcasts, all sorts of resources out there for people who do this successfully.  Are you saying you just can't be my friend anymore because of this? You have no problem being friends with my husband though, or you didn't anyway. Why is it ok for him and not for me? It was ok for J too, when he was a third, but no okay for me. Why? 5:08 PM

G: I'm saying all of you. All three of you involved. It just makes me feel awkward. No exceptions nothing else. It has cause me too much heartache and misery. I don't need that. 7:13 PM Heartache and misery!?  That doesn't even make sense.  How is what we are doing in our personal life causing him heartache and misery! 

Me: I hope you feel differently one day. 7:58 PM   I had no idea what else to say.  Fuck it, Dude.  Let's go bowling.