Saturday, June 30, 2012

I Could Not Avoid the Awkwardness of This Date

I met a new guy last night.  Let's be simple and call him Argentina, since that is where he is from and that's a damn cool nickname.  Argentina speaks English very well, but has a thick accent that made it difficult for me to understand him.  This was not an insurmountable dating conundrum until you add in the fact that he is also hard of hearing.  I have a high pitched voice making it especially difficult for people with hearing difficulties to understand me.  The restaurant we chose was quite loud with background ambient noise.  Once all of these facts are considered, you will understand how difficult it was to communicate.

I honestly couldn't tell you much about Argentina.  I would have liked to ask more questions about where he is from, but he couldn't hear me well enough to accomplish this.  He was cute, boyish face, dark skin and dark eyes, black hair. 

The communication problems carried over into our orders as well.  Ordering two pizzas was the simplest solution, as we wouldn't have been able to communicate well enough to decide on mutual toppings.  Also, he doesn't like cheese.  I've never met someone who didn't like cheese.  I know people who can't eat cheese or choose not to eat cheese, but I've never known anyone who didn't like cheese.  His pizza came out with cheese.  Mine came out perfect. It was a deep dish with chicken, bacon and feta and it was fantastic!  They replaced his and offered the mistake pizza for free.  He declined.  I did not.  I got a free pizza to take home for my hubby this way.  He was very appreciative of that.

I was worried about how to end things gracefully, but once out of the restaurant I started walking towards my car and he walked with me.  We chatted awkwardly for a bit longer until he suddenly stopped and said he had to go the opposite direction.  One quick hug and a nice-to-meet-you later and it was over.  Whew.

I called NMB on my way home and we had our first phone conversation.  It was quite pleasant.  He'll be heading my way tomorrow night after his dinner with his in-laws.  I'm looking forward to it.

Friday, June 29, 2012

The Lost Emotions of Monogamy and How It Relates to Art

The act of staying in a monogamous relationship cuts you off from some of the most intense emotions that humans can feel.  The emotions of falling in love and breaking up inspire works of art in many mediums.  I've often wondered in the past how songwriters who are in long term monogamous relationships maintain the ability to write vivid songs about these life events when they are no longer allowed to experience them.  I had lost touch with these feelings.  I remembered them, but not enough to write about them with any clarity or accuracy.

I truly didn't understand how long time married artists like Jeff Tweedy could write songs like this:

(Okay, now I think this song is about recovering from an infidelity.  OMG, Jeff, if you are poly, please sleep with me!)

and this more recent one:

(This one is more believably about a LTR, but it feels like a new relationship.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that my newly evolving pictures of relationships are leading me to interpret songs and lyrics differently than I have in the past.  At least I have one possible explanation for how artists stay in touch with those emotions.

I'm also trying to say that Jeff Tweedy of Wilco has a free pass to sleep with me at any time of his choosing.  Especially when he does adorable things like this:

WHOA!  In logging onto Wilco's website to obtain that link, I just happened to find a show date near me.  It also just so happened that the presale for that show was going on right now.  It also happened that tickets were available.  Secret-poly-blog WIN!  If I hadn't been blogging about how much I want to sleep with Jeff Tweedy and how much I love Wilco's music, I wouldn't have found out about the show in time to get tickets.  YAHOO!

I Went to a Local Poly Event and This is What Happened

I went to a local poly event.  It's a group that meets monthly at a fantastic sex-positive coffee shop in Big City. Remember this guy?  He was there.  I tried to ignore it, but he was there.  He recognized me.  I recognized him.  I pretended I didn't make the connection.   He looked like he'd found the prize in the cereal box.  I tried to ignore this.  He was leering at me the whole time.  I tried not to look at his end of the table but every time I did, he was waiting to make eye contact with me.  I am not attracted to him.  I am utterly and completely creeped the fuck out.

The meeting was slightly awkward, but not terrible, except for the constant feeling of a stranger's unwelcome infatuation from across the table.  The people were nice, if a bit familiar with each other.  They tried to make me fit in by complimenting my appearance.  That Guy, as I hereby nickname him, tried to hold my gaze while he told me that I had on a very beautiful necklace.  It's a necklace that I like.  It was my grandma's (not the nice one).  It's a piece of costume jewelry and not something to be fawning over.  I thanked him.

Since I was seated in the middle of the table, I focused much of my attention at the opposite end of That Guy, so I didn't have to look at him.  This kept me from having to face the situation too much.  When the place closed and we all got up to leave.  I was formally saying goodbye to the new people I had just met, focusing on a group of folks from my Little City, and That Guy approached me.

"I just wanted to tell you how nice it was to meet you," he started as he held onto my hand longer than was necessary.

"Thanks."  I pulled my hand away from his creepy gentle grip.

"and how I'm already looking forward to the next time." He finished.  I was already looking somewhere other than his face.

"Oh. Okayyyy." I said as I awkwardly slipped away.

It's been hours and I still have the creeps.  I won't be going to another one of those meetings alone.   As NMB put it "and she never went to another meeting again."

Don't be That Guy at your local poly group or any group for that matter.  Just don't be That Guy.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

If Humans Had Sex Like Dogs...

I'm a bad pet owner right now.  I have a small female dog that has not been spayed.  I'm able to let this sneak by as my male dogs are all neutered.  However, when she goes into heat, my small male dog takes full advantage of his remaining working parts and they get it on frequently.  Last night, they got it on in the yard before I went to work.  Do you know what happens when dogs have sex?  My hubby didn't, not until he saw it the first time.  When dogs fuck, the penis swells up upon completion of the act and remains inside the female dog until the swelling recedes.  They become tied.  My two little dogs were tied in the yard and unable to come in when I called them.  Therefore, I had to carry them inside, one in each arm, careful not to stress the point of connection and set them down safely inside.  They always look so confused when they are tied, as though they are completely surprised by it every time.  They almost look guilty, like a masturbating Catholic boy immediately after ejaculating.  This morning, we laughed about it.  "Can you imagine if humans were like that?"  my hubby asked.

This brings to mind numerous funny imaginary scenarios of humans getting it on and getting stuck together at the end, always surprised and confused by the outcome.  Imagine teenagers trying to get it on before parents arrive home and trying to find a place to hide until they become unstuck.  Imagine this odd mess of human bodies and limbs trying to make its way across a room to a closet.  Different positions lead to different configurations.  Just think about that the next time you fuck...  once it's over, imagine you had to stay that way for 10-15 minutes and think about what you've done.

Friday, June 15, 2012

I Promise I'm Not Trying to Ruin Your Life With Sex

My monogamous boy, Hulk, and I have been talking.  We're getting together again on Monday.  Unfortunately, nothing this week worked as my nights off correlated with him having his daughter.  Therefore, I will see him on Monday.  Since I'm hoping that I'll get laid on Monday, I inquired, via text, as to his comfort level at my lack of birth control.  It's not great.

He has no faith in condoms.  I can understand that to an extent, he has a kid.  He's experienced the failure of birth control.  I have not.

This is what he texted me:

Me: I'm curious, how's your comfort level with my lack of birth control?
 I would want to use some secondary means like spermacidal lubricant or something along with a condom.  It's likely to be extremely irritating to me. I seem to have the most sensitive v-jay-jay ever. Have you looked up EC?  Also-fun fact, plain ol' lube is damaging to sperm. If you are trying to conceive, you are supposed to use a special lube that won't hurt them.   I can try a spermicidal, but not nonoxynol 9, cause I know that stuff hurts.  
Hulk: Ya, but isn't EC expensive, and something you wouldn't use every time? I don't trust condoms by themselves, they aren't a reliable form of birth control, even if they don't break. They are considered a high risk birth control, and studies show fail roughly 15% of the time.  Condoms have to be used in conjunction with other methods if u truly want to be safe imo. EC is really effective if taken right away. I would only take it if breakage occurred. That 15% includes people who aren't using them correctly.  
Me: Other problem with spermicide is it increases the risk of disease transmission, making the whole multiple partners thing more risky.
Hulk: No, that's typical use, but even perfect use is 3% which is actually not too good either, but who's to say wed be on one end or the other. 
Me: We'll figure this out. :)  I also have a pretty good idea of when I ovulate, since we've been trying to conceive. I'm pretty confident in condoms, really. And I'm quite comfortable with their use.  
Hulk: I dunno, they just make me nervous. I feel like my entire future is on the line. Id have such a hard time dating after that, id probably end up never getting married and having a family. All I ever wanted was to just find love, and i fear ill end up being lonely and single forever. 3% means like after having sex 33 times, one might be a failure, to me that sounds like taking huge chances, if I can't learn from my lessons, then what good is that. Anyways, ima get to bed early. I'm beat, long day. Night. 

At this point, it looks like Monday will be a face to face conversation educating him that condoms are an effective method of birth control, especially when EC is used as a back up.  So, here is
my practice argument.  I don't know where he is getting this 3% failure rate from, but all my sources, including Planned Parenthood, say condoms are 98% effective when used correctly.  I am confident in
my skills at using them correctly.  I can make him confident too.

Now, that 98% effective rate does not mean that out of 100 sex acts, 2 will result in a pregnancy.  That is not how it works.  It means that out of 100 women who use condoms as a sole form of birth control, 2 will become pregnant in the first year.  That is not including EC as a
back-up method.  It also doesn't take into consideration that I have been having unprotected sex for a year and have not gotten pregnant.  I don't even think I ovulate every cycle.  I can tell when I do, I
think, and it doesn't happen every month.

He wants to use a spermicide as a back up.  I wouldn't have a problem with this except that spermicide is extremely irratitating to tissues and I have a very sensitive vag that gets upset at the tiniest infraction.  I've had PID.  I have frequent yeast infections starting from when I was a kid.  I get UTI's easily.  I do not need to be doing anything that will kill off my normal flora and give me the yeastie beasties.  In addition, spermicide is no longer recommended on a broad basis.  It is only recommended for people who are monogamous as it increases the chances of disease transmission.  And not just when it's being used, that tissue irritation won't go away right away, putting
me at risk with my other partners as well or even at greater risk of catching something from my husband if he gets something from a partner. The scariest thing is that it actually increases the risk of
HIV transmission.  Nope.  Nada.  F that noise.  I will not be putting toxic chemicals all up in my vag.

So it seems to me that we have to agree on a second back up method.  Unfortunately the choices are slim when you elimiate spemicides and things you need a doctor for.  The sponge sounds great, but it works because it contains spermicide, so that's out.  There's the Natural Family Planning method, which works pretty good and like I said, I'm pretty sure I know when I ovulate.  And there's EC.  And that's about it aside from caps and diaphrams and those require a doctor to get fitted and spermicide to be reliable.  I refuse to go back on hormonal birth control for many many reasons.

I think the other part of the conversation that will be important is reassuring him that if I get pregnant, he would only have to be involved if he wanted to be.  Otherwise, we would treat him like a
sperm donor.  No child support.  No court crap-o-la.  No awkward explainations to his family on how he got a married woman pregnant. Hubby and I discussed this, we've discussed adopting, so it's not that different.  Maybe hearing all of that will help him out too.

The thing is we're having a risk vs benefit discussion.  No birth control method is a guarantee against pregnancy.  If the very slight risk of pregnancy with me is not worth the benefit of fucking me, then
we might just have to walk away from this one, or stick to things that don't involve sperm going anywhere near my vag.

We'll just see how this works out.  I'm pretty confident that we can work it out in person.  Texting is not an efficient way to discuss such things. We're both adults, we can do this.

It's just so crazy to me, in order for me to get pregnant, in theory...  we need a remarkable chain of events.

1) I have to ovulate.
2) We have to be having sex right before or while I ovulate.
3) The condom has to break
4) The EC that I will take right away has to not work.
5) The egg has to implant.
6) The fetus has to be healthy, I'm more likely to have a miscarriage
due to a genetic abnormality.

That is a remarkable chain of events right there and it's unlikely to happen with no protection.  With a condom, it makes me chances of getting knocked up by him slim to none.  I'm not worried.  I don't
want to have his baby either, but I can see that it is not likely to occur.  I'll be working on this Monday and I'll let you know how it goes.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

The Lowdown on the May Camping Trip

Ah, so I've put off blogging about the camping trip.  It will be a nice thing to reminisce about right now as I'm missing NMB more than I thought I would.  (He said he misses me too!)  In fact, in light of him missing me and the fact that I'm the person he's seeing most regularly, I might have the "can I call you my boyfriend" conversation soon, but I'm in no hurry.  We have been seeing each other for 3
months now.

Ah, so the camping trip.  I know what you want to hear about, you want to hear about tent sex, well you will.  But first I'll discuss the general feel of things.  The sexual energy between us was controllable and we managed to keep things at a level so as not to annoy my friends.  In general we sat near each other and occasionally took opportunities to sneak off and have little make out sessions.  (Oh, you need something from the car?  Let me go with you and attack your face with mine.)  During the car trip to a hiking trail on Saturday, we sat close and held hands.  He would gently run a finger or two along my inner forearm and make me shiver with goosebumps and desire. Oh, geeze, I miss that boy.  He got along well with my friends, having similar interests and working for the popular website that he does helped earn cred there.  His accent brought some pain to T, a new friend there who had recently broken up with a boy from England.  We did eventually have to explain the poly situation to T.  (Yes, we're married, but not to each other. Ha!)

Each night we retired to the tent with much pent up desire.  It was chilly outside, but clothes came off quickly anyway.  My tent has more open screen area than you want if you desire privacy, making the
slightly exhibitionist act of sex in a tent, even more risky.

It's dark, we've been pent up all day, therefore, it doesn't take long to get right down and dirty.  In the dark, in the tent, the condom went on and I climbed on top of him.  For the first time, I rode him.
The air mattress seemed to work well for this, contributing to our gentle rocking back and forth.  He played with my nipples while I rocked back and forth, grinding into him.  He tugged and twisted and I arched my back from the pleasurable pain he is so good at evoking from me.  Sitting up the way that I was meant that I would have been easily visible by anyone passing by if it weren't for the darkness.  The cool air felt good against my naked body and reminded me that we were outside under the trees.  That was just Friday night.  I rode his cock until he came and we fell asleep intertwined underneath the heavy quilt I brought for cuddling underneath. One thing that is nice about cuddling with a skinny guy, less padding, but being able to twist up into a little mess of limbs and various body parts.

Saturday night was a little different as we went for missionary.  The build up was the same, sneaking off throughout the day to make out a little and discuss what we were going to do later, Again, once
everyone was headed off to sleep in their respective tents, we climbed into ours and got naked as quick as possible.  He climbed on top of me and pounded away.  I came quickly and then came again and again.  I clutched his arms tightly and gripped harder to communicate my pleasure.  Once, a strange sound escaped me, despite my commitment to being quiet.  It was oddly distorted and likely unrecognizable as human, let alone, a human-sex-pleasure-sound.  He would lean his head
in close and we'd breath heavily together.  The air was again cool, but I didn't notice until we were done.  Unlike my husband, I can never tell when he's about to come.  It just happens, quite anti-climactic.  Again, we fell asleep curled up and intertwined.

Sunday made for an interesting day as the build up was there, but I dropped him off at home in time for dinner with his in-laws, and there was no time for nookie on that day.  Too bad.  And too bad I won't see him until Tuesday.  Less than a week, that's what I need to focus on. I'll see him in less than a week.  I'll get to tell him all about Bonnaroo and get his STI testing results and I'll get to experience
his expert lovemaking skills that I've been missing.

As I wrote this, I took a break to text him how I was horny for him. He wrote back and we talked about what we will do when we see each other next. Mmmm, I can't wait.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

How I Was Sexually Assaulted at Bonnaroo

I've been to the Bonnaroo Music Festival six times now and this was a first.  Here's how it all went down...

Young guy saunters through the crowd up to his friends wearing a shell bra and no shirt.  "What am I wearing?" He says, looking down at his chest, confused. 

"You seem to be wearing shells on your boobs," I answered.  His female friend encouraged me to touch them.  I went in slowly with my hand fixed and fingers curled. "ahhh, ahhh" I said as I went in. and rested my fingers on the plastic shell.  The guy threw his hands up in the air, knocking stuff out of my hand. 

"What the fuck!" he said. "Did I grab your tit?"  Thinking he was referring to the fact that he just about knocked me over, I replied.

"No, you didn't just grab my tit."  This is when he grabbed my left tit.  Fingers curled tightly he grabbed me aggressively and not at all jokingly and quickly retreated.  "Whoa!" I said and threw my arms up to defend my chest. 

"Hey!" My husband yells.  Tit Grabber finally notices my husband and suddenly looks very scared.  His female friend is denying that he grabbed my tit to my husband.  I calmly clarify that he did, indeed grab by tit.  She immediately apologizes.  My husband is not going to start a fight, but he did put a stop to this guy's behavior.  Tit Grabber starts to change his tune though, almost like he was inviting a fight after a moment.  This is when my husband starts saying, "We're cool, man." and Tit Grabber's friends whisked him away to another place in the gathering Skrillex crowd.

I must admit, I'm quite glad to have him react appropriately defensive when I'm non consensually touched in an aggressive way in a crowd.  I'm just as proud that he was able to let it go and not bring it to blows and that we were able to laugh at it and still enjoy the show.

I've been thinking about whether or not touching his shell bra was also non consensual and I've decided on this...  No.  For one, I did not touch his skin, only the plastic shell.  Also, his friends encouraged me and I went in real slow so that at any time he could announce that he was not cool with this action or remove himself from the situation.  He stood with an open posture and allowed me to touch his shell.  Then he turned it around and used to to aggressively cop a feel.  I know in my heart that he manipulated the situation to be a dick and try to intimidate me.  He probably thought that I was alone and didn't notice my husband standing nearby.

Again, it did feel really great to have Hubby get protective.  Despite the fact that we are sleeping with other people, it's nice to know that when my left tit gets grabbed by a guy wearing a shell bra with apologetic friends, he'll have none of it.  <3 

Monday, June 4, 2012

It's over. 10 years of friendship is over.

"She says I'm okay; I'm alright, Though you have gone from my life You said that it would, Now everything should be all right"
It's over.  Here's how it all went down over several hours via text message.  

G: First I wish to say I wasn't ignoring you last night, I had the phone on silent so as not to interrupt the Shakespeare experience for those around us This might be a subtle jab at my friends' kids, not sure.  There is already so much passive aggressive behavior that I can't tell anymore.  and thus didn't see you called for a bit. Second it may be pure semantics but I said "I was mislead, lied to, and disrespected tonight and I don't feel comfortable doing it right now." It being pet sitting, I did not call you or Hulk a liar directly. But I am not stupid, I know what is going on. True story, he only knows because someone told him and I told that person not to lie.  And I also know neither you nor he looked me in the eye let alone talked to me, which seems to me you both feel like there is wrong doing too. You want to talk, fine, but you can't dictate what I can and can't say to your husband either. I told him I wouldn't pet sit too and he asked why, I told him without saying specifically why (Hulk). If you want the talk in person tell me when you're available and if over the phone text and I shall call if I can. I am trying to enjoy today with my gf and her mom because it is her mom's birthday so may not be 100% free. 2:09 PM This is consistent with the same pattern that he's been playing with me over this.  He feigns a willingness to talk about it, but then claims unavailability.

Me: I truly want you to explain to me how what we are doing is wrong. And I can certainly have a problem with you saying hurtful and untrue things about me behind my back. I know what the whole message was. You are free to say whatever you want to whoever you want, but I think it's inappropriate to do that to a friend.  If I didn't talk to you, it was because I was concerned about your mood, you sat separately, asked for another blanket instead of joining the existing sea of blankets. What we are doing is not wrong, but I knew it would upset you on some level. There is a difference. 2:26 PM

G: Actually we stood awkwardly as besides J and later K, we weren't aknowledged as being there. Wasn't told "this is the area to sit in" or told you know, hi. We didn't ask for a blanket, J gave us one as we stood there confused. Suddenly blankets are confusing?  This is crap.  The blanket was on the ground.  He didn't need direction as to where to sit.  He also could have asked. We sat there in silence because no one talked to us. I know I offered them both pretzels and that his gf was talking with my bff. We may as well have been strangers.  I'm tired of being ignored and treated like a stranger by you people. You people!? And now Hulk is doing it too. So yay another friend completely lost. What happens when you two break up? What then?  Unless he has decided he doesn't want to get married and be with one person forever, you two won't last forever since you know you're already married.  I didn't say what you were doing is wrong I said you guys must feel that way as you hid it and refused to look or aknowledge me. 2:33 PM Or maybe we just didn't know how to do this without pissing you off.  Obviously, we've failed at this.

Me: I recall waving and saying hi. I didn't realize I would have to welcome you to the blanket I said I'd bring for you. I'm sorry you felt like a stranger.  I probably did feel a little awkward in regards to the situation, knowing you'd be upset, but I still don't understand why, just a sense because I know you generally disapprove of us being poly.  What happens when we break up is between the two of us, but since you asked I'll tell you that it's been discussed. He plans on continuing to date and I acknowledge that looking for someone who would be ok with the situation would severely limit his dating pool. Therefore, once he finds someone he wishes to be exclusive with, he is free to end things with me. It's an acknowledged temporary relationship. Also- I remind you- I hid it only based on your insistence that I not discuss who I dating. That decision was not to spite you, it was out of respect for you.  And don't write Hulk off as a friend. That's not fair to him. What we are doing is not wrong. 4:34 PM

G: You know what? You're right, you're not doing wrong, everyone involved is happy and knows what is going on. I am the only one who has a problem with it, so I am just completely removing myself from this. I overreacted last night and was just mad and felt hurt. I hate that at this point there are way to many people involved and are in the middle of it. And over what? Me having a problem, so I am just stepping away from it all. It is the most logical step, everyone else is happy and fine with it except me. I'm sorry I am not okay with it but this way we can all be happy and healthy without worrying about what the other thinks. I don't hate anyone involved, I'm not mad, or talking anything negative about anyone. I love you all but just not comfortable with any of it. So I am done, I hope the best for you all. 4:57 PM Passive aggressive and not at all genuine, but what he's saying here is the truth.  Everyone else involved is fine, he's just hoping it will all blow up and someday we'll tell him he was right.

Me: I feel like you haven't given it a chance to become comfortable with it. I promise it's different from other open relationships that you've seen. I have made the effort with all of my friends to give them the chance to ask questions and be sure they have a good understanding of what it is and what it is not. You haven't allowed me to extend the same courtesy to you.  There are books, podcasts, all sorts of resources out there for people who do this successfully.  Are you saying you just can't be my friend anymore because of this? You have no problem being friends with my husband though, or you didn't anyway. Why is it ok for him and not for me? It was ok for J too, when he was a third, but no okay for me. Why? 5:08 PM

G: I'm saying all of you. All three of you involved. It just makes me feel awkward. No exceptions nothing else. It has cause me too much heartache and misery. I don't need that. 7:13 PM Heartache and misery!?  That doesn't even make sense.  How is what we are doing in our personal life causing him heartache and misery! 

Me: I hope you feel differently one day. 7:58 PM   I had no idea what else to say.  Fuck it, Dude.  Let's go bowling.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

"I will kill thee, And love thee after"

I am both deeply sad and angry about this situation.  I thought I played it cool with Hulk and my long time friend who is uncomfortable with poly.  Lets call this friend Gathering, or G.  I am choosing this nickname because he is very good at gathering people together.

First a little background on our particular group of friends.  Many years ago, there was event known by some as The Sundering.  A couple broke up and the female involved decided to immediately go out with her ex-bf's best friend.  The best friend happened to be G.  The group split apart and we didn't speak for years.  Before all of this happened G asked me out and I declined.  I would do the same again.  He's a fantastic friend and I would do anything for him, but I don't want to date him.  It's just not there.

Knowing that...  here is what has occurred since we became poly.  He has repeatedly refused to talk to me about it, at first expressing anger and concern about our relationship, citing two other couples he knows who are non-monogamous and were not stable.  He expressed the fear that we would eventually break up because of it or at least become extremely hurt.  Over the last few months, he has been distant, refusing to discuss it and claiming that he doesn't mind, that we are both adults and we should do whatever makes us happy.  I have still attempted to talk to him only to be told it's unnecessary.

In dating Hulk, we both recognized that G would be likely to have a negative reaction to us dating and thus we were trying to determine how to handle it.  Keep in mind that our first date was Tuesday and the following events occurred on Saturday night.  G has specifically asked not to be informed about who we are dating, thus putting me in a difficult position.  Also, keep in mind that the background to much of this was Shakespeare's Othello- the primary theme of which is perceived infidelity.  Perceived infidelity.  That's what occurred IRL tonight as well, as far as I can tell anyway.  Since my friend has refused to discuss it with me, I can only speculate.   The title of this is a quote from Othello, in this instance, it describes my friendship with this person and his decision to murder it based on perceived infidelity.

This is what I suspect my friend has murdered our friendship over.  He doesn't know the timeline, that we only started dating on Tuesday.  He doesn't know that starting on Tuesday we were trying to figure out how to handle things with G.  He doesn't know that we were holding back on showing our affection out of respect for him and his boundaries.  All he knew going into tonight is that I invited Hulk to the event and talked him into coming along and bringing his daughter.  I did not hide this.  We were still trying to figure out how to address it.

G was distant from the moment he showed up.  He did not join the majority of us on the sea of blankets we had created.  Instead, he asked another friend for an additional blanket and sat somewhat behind us all, incidentally right behind where Hulk and I were primarily hanging out.  We texted a little, but decided to keep things on the DL to not stir the pot and challenge G's comfort zone. 

Then G left. He made an excuse about not feeling well, said his sandwich didn't agree with him and he left.  He left smiling (faking) and said that he would call me about watching the pets later this week.  He left.

I looked at Hulk and raised an eyebrow.  He put out his arm to welcome me to cuddle.  All of my friends present in the situation were comfortable with this.  Hulk was comfortable with this in front of his daughter.  One of my bff's was comfortable with this in front of her new bf.  The other bff was fine with it in front of her kids.  ("I don't care.  Once they get older I'll just explain it.  Some people are like Mommy and Daddy and some are like BB and Hubby") My younger brother, age thirteen, who I had told that we were poly, but not that I was dating Hulk, was completely comfortable with it.  I didn't think about it until later, but to have that kind of acceptance from the people in my life that I care about is a pretty intense feeling of support.  My friends are awesome, truly.

At some point, I am sitting alone with J, my super awesome gay friend, who discloses that G was asking if I was "dating or trying to date Hulk" and he didn't know what to say.  I told him not to lie.  That I didn't want to lie about it.  From what I gather some time later, he again asked and J disclosed.  G's response?  "She lied to me."

After returning home, I got this a text from G-

I'm sorry for the short notice, but you need to find someone else to pet sit this weekend.  I will return your key to you this week.

Hubby got the same text and actually managed some conversation.  He got the following about me:

As for why, well ask your wife I'd say.  I was mislead, lied to, and disrespected tonight and I don't feel comfortable doing it right now. At some point, if you want to hang out, let me know, but I just can't do the pet sitting right now, I'm afraid.  I will talk to you later,  I'm sure.
I have a huge problem with this.  He's now told at least two people that I'm a liar without talking to me.  He also seems to be totally fine with the men involved, but not me.  I'm feeling a little slut shamed.  I suspect there is a complex set of emotions going on here that he doesn't completely understand.  He's had other friends in open relationships, that he may have looked down on, but not unfriended.  Our gay friend, J, was a third for an existing couple for a while and he didn't hold it against him.  He's continued to talk to my husband throughout all of this while being distant with me.  I can't help but feel my vagina has something to do with his negative reaction. 

Saturday, June 2, 2012

I'll Miss You

NMB is off to France today.  His plane leaves in about 30 minutes.  I saw him last night for dinner, sex and naked cuddling.  He's quite comfortable with Shark Week sex, probably more comfortable with it than I am.

Now that I have something else promising going on, my insecurities with NMB are lessening.  I finally found the courage to ask him a question I've been curious about.  "Exactly how many people are you seeing right now?"  I was surprised by the answer, but in a good way.  I'm the person he's seeing the most regularly right now, outside of his wife.  Other relationships, sexual or not, are pretty casual from the sound of it.  He again told me he's trying to dial some of it back so he can have more evenings at home.

I don't know what his usual casual lovemaking style is, but with me there is a lot of  eye contact, little kisses and intensity.  Gawd I love the way he moans.  He's mostly quiet, but when he moans...  mmm...  so rewarding to hear that.  He smiles at me a lot too, like he's enjoying my frequent orgasms.  We hold our faces close.  He's skilled at pushing my boundaries of pain to cause pleasure.  I'm usually left with sore nipples after our encounters and last night was no exception.  He bit my shoulder a couple times too, leaving behind a mark for the first time.  I'm okay with that.  After the sex, we cuddled for a long time, intertwined, we talked.  I told him about Hulk and how the varying sexual experience is going to be an interesting experience.  This didn't seem to bother him, which is awesome.  We talked about the other various people in our polycule, which is a new term he introduced me to.  I like it. :D   

He also mentioned that his comfort level with me was such that he wasn't too concerned about little things like laundry not being put away and such while having me over.  Sometimes I wonder if we're both holding back for fear of chasing the other one off.   If that's the case, that's okay, I guess.  It'll work out eventually.  I'm quite comfortable with the level of dating we have going on here...  it doesn't need a title, yet.

I wished him well and left once his wife arrived home.  I'll miss him, I truly will.  However, I'm learning to enjoy what I have in front of me when I have it.  I'll have him in front of me again soon enough. 

Friday, June 1, 2012

Required Updates Ready to Install

Reading over my blog I realize there are some required updates to posts of the past.

First of all, The Doctor:
Well, second date was kinda strange and awkward and I don't think he's capable of living up to his big talk.  He's not aggressive and he's way more feminine than he lets on.  I'm don't think he's quite figured out what he is or wants to be yet.  I also don't feel an attraction there, as much as I want to.  It's not a physical thing.  It's an attitudes thing.  That male-type aggression that I crave in sexual situations just isn't there.  Maybe what I need is a dom.  Anyway, correspondence has sort of tapered off there and I'm going to let sleeping dogs lie, I think.

Secondly, Link: 
Hubby was pretty bummed for a while and refused to talk to her.  He was hurt and rejected and felt misled.  I went to breakfast with Link one morning after work.  (We work with her.)  I got her side of the story and went home to Hubby where I strongly encouraged him to reach out to her and clear the air.  He seemed resistant, but sent out a text the next morning and over the following week they regained their friendship and all is right again.  Link is actively dating and exploring her sexual freedom in a way she never has before.  I'm proud of her and of Hubby for sucking it up and doing what had to be done to repair the weirdness.

Thirdly, CJB:
CJB sort of dissipated after that second date.  I was never quite sure if he lost interest.  We occasionally texted and he claimed to be far too busy with his job and that he did think I was a cool person and wanted to hang out again.  I have my doubts as to the truthfulness of those claims, but that's besides the point.  CJB is no longer in my area of the country, but I don't know that because he told me.  I know that because of someone I met on the camping trip.  T and I talked about OKC dating and what it's like and she described someone she'd been chatting with that was clearly CJB.  I encouraged her to go out with him as we sat around the campfire drinking a terrible prefabbed blue alcoholic beverage that I only bought cause it came in a plastic bottle.  She did.  She liked him.  Then, he took a job on the East Coast and disappeared.  That's the last I heard of CJB.

Other than that, I still need to write about the camping trip when I'm feeling more spry.  I also need to write about the Great Gay Break-Up of 2012, a situation which has left me quite sad indeed. 

I Think I'm Becoming a Secret Girlfriend

It's only been 2 days since my first date with Hulk and I'm already seeing the benefits of dating someone nearby.  Geography is a big variable when it comes to dating, you know.  I found that I was really looking forward to seeing him again, so I sent a leading text this evening...

Hmmm...  I wanna cuddle again.

Lol.  I'm home!

If it wasn't going to be dark so soon, I'd suggest a bike ride.

I'm prolly gonna get to bed early anyways.  I need to catch up on some sleep.

I don't want to keep you up again, but I am so close, I could be there pretty darn quick. ;)
And I wouldn't be able to stay real late anyway, there's housework to be done.

As long as you let me go to bed by 10, lol.

By ten?  I can do that.

Ok, let me put some pants on, lol

Hey! I wear pants too!

They're overrated.
Ps, u can come whenever.

And so I did.  I made the 2 minute drive to his place.  And he met me at the door with a few more closed lip kisses.  (Hmmm...  I might have a harder time getting him out of his sexual shell than I thought.)  I presented him with a hard drive containing some downloaded stuff I had laying around.  I thought there might be something on there we could watch.  We settled on Being Human and watched the first episode together.  He enjoyed it.  At one point, his ex-ish-wife called and put his daughter on the phone to sing to him.  I kept quiet, assuming that he wouldn't want her to know I was chillin on his bed.

After the show, I turned towards him and we started making out.  His arms are big and comfortable around me, it's nice.  His kisses became opened mouth, but still no tongue.  We'll have to work on that.  He was good at kissing my neck though.  He found the spot that makes me moan softly and want to do more.  I sat up to reposition and took my shirt off, leaving my bra on.  (Things could only go so far, since I'm on my period.)  Then I was laying on my back with him next to me on his side, leaning over me slightly, kissing me.  He took my right breast from my bra and put my nipple in his mouth (gonna have to tell him to be a little rougher on those if I'm gonna feel it).  Then, he stopped and placed his head against my chest. 

I'm thinking about too many things, I think.  -He explained.

What are you thinking about?

Well, the birth control thing, mostly.
 And so we slowed down and talked about things. I reminded him that it was Shark Week and thus not much could go on tonight anyway.  Hopefully that removed some of the pressure.  Then we went back to cuddling and talking.  I have a little work to do in convincing him that condoms and EC are reasonably responsible protection.  Especially in my case.

You know, it's probably after 10. - I noted.

I know, but I don't wanna let you go.  -He replied.


It's been a long time since I've had a girl in my bed. 

So, I know from stalking his OKC profile that he is less sexually experienced that me.  Not so much in terms of partners, but in terms of activities and kink.  He's not kinky at all, at least he claims not to be.  I find it hard to believe that he would have no kinks at all.   Here's an example of how different we are sexually.

Slut Test Results

Him                     Me
31%                     62%
I'm twice the slut!

Purity Test Results

Him                     Me
90%                     49%
I'm way less pure!

I've never been with someone less sexually experienced that me.  It's somewhat appealing in that I think I could show him some things, but he likes to be the aggressor, so I'll have to tell rather than show, I think.  It will be fun new territory for me to traverse.  I also really like the idea of being his "secret girlfriend".  I get the thrill of having an affair with no funny stuff.  Some of my friends will be in on it and some won't be.  His ex-ish-wife won't know and I totally understand him keeping this separate from his daughter, which I assume he'll want to do.   He's also still very interested in finding that full time person.  He asked me to help him with his profile.  I find that reassuring.  I don't want him getting too attached to me and missing out on that person he deserves.

So the next time I'll see him is on Saturday as part of a group gathering.  He'll have his daughter and the friend who would not be cool with things will be there.  We'll have to play it cool.  I suspect there will be some surreptitiously sent text messages, which sounds like fun.  I'm a secret...  and I think he'd be fine with calling me a girlfriend, but I'm gonna give that some time before I throw that title on it.  Anyway, I dig it.  This is a good thing that is growing.  It's comfortable.  It's warm.  It's giving.  It's exciting.  It's close.  (I'm gonna have a booty-call-cuddle-buddy within walking distance!)


This Was a Little Risky. I Went Out With a Monogamous Boy

This monogamous boy is one I've known casually for a long time.  He's a friend of a friend who makes occasional appearances at group gatherings.  The mutual friend happens to be the one who is not okay with our poly status, at all.  This means that this date must stay mostly secret.

Nickname: Hulk.  This is appropriate because he is the most stacked guy I've ever dated, but also, he shared with me that the superhero he identifies most with is the Incredible Hulk.  Normally, I would find such a self comparison concerning, but I've known Hulk for so long and I know him to be a quiet peaceful guy and I know he is not a violent person.  I'd elaborate more, but I feel what he shared is too personal to reshare even anonymously.  Trust me when I say that I understand that such a thing could be seen as a warning sign, but my instincts are strong in such situations and I'm good here.

So, Hulk took me out to Longhorn steakhouse.  Afterwards, we went to a park and talked while we walked.  He clarified a couple things he was wondering about.  STI prevention was a big concern and understandably so.  He was also concerned about it staying private and noted that his mother would have issues with him dating someone who is married. (Although- his divorce isn't final so I think we're both occupying different space in the same grey area.)   Obviously, I understand his need for discretion, this is weird even if it's not wrong and it would make it much harder for him to find that right person to be monogamous with. He asked about that. I told him that I'd understand when he needed to cut things off, that it would severely limit the dating pool if he was looking for someone who was okay with a continued relationship with a married woman. I acknowledged that it might involve some sadness, but that I understood.

I think this has the potential to be awesome. He's an awesome cuddler and fun to converse with. He lives really close to my house, like within walking distance, making it super convenient to maintain something. He said that what he liked about dating me was that he wasn't really ready for the big super serious relationship yet, and he knew that with me, there is a limit on how much time I could occupy. It makes me feel good to think that I could give him some companionship and warmth while he's waiting for the Big One.
He had planned on kicking me out at midnight, but didn't until 2am. We didn't kiss until the end and those were gentle closed mouth kisses. It might be a while before I get his pants off. I went in for a few more kisses at the end and he said "You better go before I keep you all night."

"Next time." I said. And I left him in his house alone.

I find I'm really looking forward to seeing him again. If I had to sum it all up in one word, that word would be "warm" and that was nice. I'll see him on Saturday as part of a group gathering, but it will have to stay distant for obvious reasons. I suspect I'll surreptitiously text him a few things though. Yay technology!