I Can See Your Warning Signs. You Might Consider Dimming Them

Speaking as a nurse with a limited psychiatric background, this message reeks of crazy and douchebaggery (It's a word now, The Oatmeal says so. Actually, I think that once it's been spelled out in hundreds of thousands of dollars it is officially a word. So there!)

Just take a gander at this gem and enjoy my commentary.

Hi... In trying to figure out how to talk to you. I generally edit bc I tend to go as far as I can in silliness...

I don't mind silly.  I'm wary, but open at this point.  I'm not turned off yet, he has a chance.

Anyhow if I was at target and I over heard you talking to someone similar to that which you write... And well... potentially think... Then I would think... " She's cool..."

Oh, okay, this is a creatively written message.  I can forgive the grammar and the overuse of ellipses, as I often overuse ellipses... 

I'd try to be sneaky and sneak a look... Then I would think... "my kind of hot..."

That's a compliment.  It's not terrible.  It's not great.  

I just moved to STL... There are a lot of cool things to do here... There are a lot of cool people to do here...

Here is the record scratching turning point.  Now I'm leery.  

But that's not a point as much as fun with wording. I would like to meet you for a $4 coffee or a $5 craft beer... And an opportunity to flirt... To hopefully arouse your interests...

Clever and cute wording there, but let's read on...

To well get your clothes off of you... I find that I get really confident once clothes are off...

What.

At that point i'm like "sweet now I don't have to worry about going too far... Now I can concentrate on her having the best and most orgasms ever". I'm a fan of giving.

Really?  You are going to proclaim to me in an opening message that you are going to give me the best orgasms ever?   That might work on someone who isn't having multiple fantastic orgasms all the time, but not on me.  I'm super happy that you are a fan of giving.  My husband and boyfriend are too and they've never had to proclaim this to me or anyone.  In fact, I'm going to take this as proper evidence that you are not good in bed.  Ladies and gentlemen of the blog-o-sphere did you catch the finest nugget of douchebaggery hidden inside these few sentences?  I'm using the word sentences loosely.  The finest nugget of douchebaggery is the fact that this guy thinks that once the clothes are off, he no longer has to worry about "going too far".  This sounds like date rape.  It's a bright red flag waving in the wind that says "DATE RAPIST: NAKED=CONSENT"  I'm concerned.  This makes me revisit his confidence in nakedness and question exactly what he means by confidence.  I'd delve further into it, but I don't know his real name to search for in the sex offender database.  Seriously?  This guy thinks I'm an idiot and I think he's an asshole. 

I don't keep score... But I think I have an over achiever complex with turning a lady out so to speak... I heard somewhere that it's because I used to be overweight. (they try harder). Which would explain why I never had a great BJ.

This is the part where I'm supposed to say, "I could give him a great BJ." and endeavor to prove myself right by scrambling to get to his cock as soon as possible.  Puh-lease!

I dated a lot of skinny women.

So...  am I supposed to be flattered that you are interested in my fat ass?  Fat chicks suck better cock?
Is this an approach like DK used and your secret attraction to "chubby girls" is supposed to make me feel special and let you come in my mouth?  I'm genuinely confused by this remark.  What is the purpose? 

Anyhow I'm worth a look. : ). If anything I'm really awesome at oral

Oh, you are worth a look alright.  You are worth a psychiatric evaluation and script for anti-psychotics, maybe a little therapy and behavior correction.  As for me, I'm still considering how exactly to respond to this, if I respond at all.  I don't want to be an Internet bully, beyond ripping him to shreds with his identity concealed on my anonymous blog that no one reads, but I do want to say something to him.  It's likely for the best if I don't do this.  I don't need to teach him to conceal his red flags.

This is the stuff that makes OkC so worth the experiment.  Well, and sometimes you get lucky and find NMB.  I guess I'm realizing just how rare it is to find that sparkly connection with someone you enjoy being around.  As frustrated as I am that dating seems to have stalled for me at the moment, I take solace in the fact that I have an ongoing secondary relationship that I enjoy and can count on to continue.  Not to mention Hubby, who told me several times at work last night that he would like to drag me off somewhere and do dirty things to me.  The abundance of psychos on OkC only serves to remind me to be appreciative of what I have.  I also have to remind myself that what I have is more than what most people have and I'm having it honestly and as openly as I dare.  It's making me a better person.  Which is something I will analyze in a future post.  

I Could Not Avoid the Awkwardness of This Date

I met a new guy last night.  Let's be simple and call him Argentina, since that is where he is from and that's a damn cool nickname.  Argentina speaks English very well, but has a thick accent that made it difficult for me to understand him.  This was not an insurmountable dating conundrum until you add in the fact that he is also hard of hearing.  I have a high pitched voice making it especially difficult for people with hearing difficulties to understand me.  The restaurant we chose was quite loud with background ambient noise.  Once all of these facts are considered, you will understand how difficult it was to communicate.

I honestly couldn't tell you much about Argentina.  I would have liked to ask more questions about where he is from, but he couldn't hear me well enough to accomplish this.  He was cute, boyish face, dark skin and dark eyes, black hair. 

The communication problems carried over into our orders as well.  Ordering two pizzas was the simplest solution, as we wouldn't have been able to communicate well enough to decide on mutual toppings.  Also, he doesn't like cheese.  I've never met someone who didn't like cheese.  I know people who can't eat cheese or choose not to eat cheese, but I've never known anyone who didn't like cheese.  His pizza came out with cheese.  Mine came out perfect. It was a deep dish with chicken, bacon and feta and it was fantastic!  They replaced his and offered the mistake pizza for free.  He declined.  I did not.  I got a free pizza to take home for my hubby this way.  He was very appreciative of that.

I was worried about how to end things gracefully, but once out of the restaurant I started walking towards my car and he walked with me.  We chatted awkwardly for a bit longer until he suddenly stopped and said he had to go the opposite direction.  One quick hug and a nice-to-meet-you later and it was over.  Whew.

I called NMB on my way home and we had our first phone conversation.  It was quite pleasant.  He'll be heading my way tomorrow night after his dinner with his in-laws.  I'm looking forward to it.

I Went to a Local Poly Event and This is What Happened

I went to a local poly event.  It's a group that meets monthly at a fantastic sex-positive coffee shop in Big City. Remember this guy?  He was there.  I tried to ignore it, but he was there.  He recognized me.  I recognized him.  I pretended I didn't make the connection.   He looked like he'd found the prize in the cereal box.  I tried to ignore this.  He was leering at me the whole time.  I tried not to look at his end of the table but every time I did, he was waiting to make eye contact with me.  I am not attracted to him.  I am utterly and completely creeped the fuck out.

The meeting was slightly awkward, but not terrible, except for the constant feeling of a stranger's unwelcome infatuation from across the table.  The people were nice, if a bit familiar with each other.  They tried to make me fit in by complimenting my appearance.  That Guy, as I hereby nickname him, tried to hold my gaze while he told me that I had on a very beautiful necklace.  It's a necklace that I like.  It was my grandma's (not the nice one).  It's a piece of costume jewelry and not something to be fawning over.  I thanked him.

Since I was seated in the middle of the table, I focused much of my attention at the opposite end of That Guy, so I didn't have to look at him.  This kept me from having to face the situation too much.  When the place closed and we all got up to leave.  I was formally saying goodbye to the new people I had just met, focusing on a group of folks from my Little City, and That Guy approached me.

"I just wanted to tell you how nice it was to meet you," he started as he held onto my hand longer than was necessary.

"Thanks."  I pulled my hand away from his creepy gentle grip.

"and how I'm already looking forward to the next time." He finished.  I was already looking somewhere other than his face.

"Oh. Okayyyy." I said as I awkwardly slipped away.

It's been hours and I still have the creeps.  I won't be going to another one of those meetings alone.   As NMB put it "and she never went to another meeting again."

Don't be That Guy at your local poly group or any group for that matter.  Just don't be That Guy.

Required Updates Ready to Install

Reading over my blog I realize there are some required updates to posts of the past.

First of all, The Doctor:
Well, second date was kinda strange and awkward and I don't think he's capable of living up to his big talk.  He's not aggressive and he's way more feminine than he lets on.  I'm don't think he's quite figured out what he is or wants to be yet.  I also don't feel an attraction there, as much as I want to.  It's not a physical thing.  It's an attitudes thing.  That male-type aggression that I crave in sexual situations just isn't there.  Maybe what I need is a dom.  Anyway, correspondence has sort of tapered off there and I'm going to let sleeping dogs lie, I think.

Secondly, Link: 
Hubby was pretty bummed for a while and refused to talk to her.  He was hurt and rejected and felt misled.  I went to breakfast with Link one morning after work.  (We work with her.)  I got her side of the story and went home to Hubby where I strongly encouraged him to reach out to her and clear the air.  He seemed resistant, but sent out a text the next morning and over the following week they regained their friendship and all is right again.  Link is actively dating and exploring her sexual freedom in a way she never has before.  I'm proud of her and of Hubby for sucking it up and doing what had to be done to repair the weirdness.

Thirdly, CJB:
CJB sort of dissipated after that second date.  I was never quite sure if he lost interest.  We occasionally texted and he claimed to be far too busy with his job and that he did think I was a cool person and wanted to hang out again.  I have my doubts as to the truthfulness of those claims, but that's besides the point.  CJB is no longer in my area of the country, but I don't know that because he told me.  I know that because of someone I met on the camping trip.  T and I talked about OKC dating and what it's like and she described someone she'd been chatting with that was clearly CJB.  I encouraged her to go out with him as we sat around the campfire drinking a terrible prefabbed blue alcoholic beverage that I only bought cause it came in a plastic bottle.  She did.  She liked him.  Then, he took a job on the East Coast and disappeared.  That's the last I heard of CJB.

Other than that, I still need to write about the camping trip when I'm feeling more spry.  I also need to write about the Great Gay Break-Up of 2012, a situation which has left me quite sad indeed. 

Another OKC Message Gets Its Own Sarcastic Post

Hi sweetie, how about meeting a nice professional couple for threesum?

Barf.  Seriously.  Barf.  And they didn't even have a picture of themselves.  They had a photo of a distinct landmark of nearby Big City.  There are so many things wrong with this one-liner message that I can actually pick it apart even though it's so small already!

Hi sweetie

Don't call me that.

how about meeting

How about you talk to me like I'm a human being first?

a nice professional couple 

Why the fuck do I care that you are professional?  That's certainly not the most important trait I would look for in a couple to be a unicorn for.  Not that I am a unicorn for hire, ugh.  If you want to give me some information about yourself, try a picture.  K?  Thanks.

for threesum

You mean "for a threesome?"  I'm going to assume that's what you meant.  If you are asking for something like a threesome, I suggest you make the effort to spell it correctly.  Including the proper indefinite article is also a nice idea.

Better luck next time!  Excuse me while I go rinse the vomit out of my mouth.

Too Strong! You Are Coming on Too Strong!!

One of my favorite things about dating is that I get to take part in the social experiment that is online dating.  I think it's fascinating.  I'm going to continue to write about the terrible messages I receive.  This one deserves a post all of its own.  Now, before you read all of this, please note that my husband received a message just as long.  I may do another post on his, but I haven't read it yet.  I'll interrupt your reading with my comments.  Please, note the sarcasm.

Hi! I was just about to log off OKC for the night when I stumbled across your profile and realized I couldn't sleep if I didn't write to you first, it just wouldn't be right.

Where have you been all my life?

Seriously.

Wow.  Really?  That's your line?  I've been living my life, thank you very much.  I've been doing quite well without you and I will continue to do so.  I don't know you and it worries me that I'm already keeping you awake at night.

As it regards your new found self, I have just one quick thing to add:

Congratulations, and welcome to the world of the living! Where LOVE matters more than everything else! Even to the people who don't know it yet.

Ouch.  I didn't know I was dead up until now.  I thought I had a happy life, a fulfilling marriage and a job that makes me feel like I give something back, but I suppose that I was wrong about all of that and that it takes non-monogamy to make me alive.  Ugh, this reminds me of people who act like you don't really understand a thing about the world until you've pushed a screeching infant from your vag.

It's possible that I am too sleepy to be writing right now. Still, I *had* to say "Hello". Hello!!

Oh good.  I'm glad we clarified that we are talking now.  From the looks of it, we have a long way to go before you say goodbye.

I have so many questions I'd like to ask you, I'm not sure where to begin. I suppose one question might be that your profile says you are trying to have children, but also open to dating outside your marriage right now. My primary partner Kate and I are in a similar boat, and I am grappling with some intense trepidation over the thought of her getting pregnant by someone who isn't me. I'm coping, but I wonder if you and your husband have some insight on that issue. What are your thoughts?

This is the only thing I thought about replying to in all seriousness.  My answer is this: condoms.  Duh.  In the event of condom failure, E.C.  For my husband and I, however, we discussed the risks and if I get pregnant and someone else is the father, we will raise the baby like our own and it makes no difference.  

Also, unicorns DO exist, we were blessed with one for a while. It's pretty cool.

 Oh, good for you.

On the upside, I'm not a guy who writes you a message that says "lol, u r hot, lol, wanna hookup? lol" I hate getting those messages myself. It only gets worse if I look at the writer's profile and conclude they couldn't spell Ph.D. if I spotted them the first two letter.

Nope, your a guy who writes me a really long creepy message welcoming me into his life who also bothers to point out that he didn't write me a stupid message full of netspeak and idiocy.  I think I could judge that on my own, thank you, but I'm glad you pointed that out just in case. 

On the down side, I'm so mesmerized by your writing all I can think is, "hey, let's spend time together intelligently discussing the awakening you are experiencing and the rabbit hole you are planning to explore." When I know I should be asking much more about YOU. I'm sorry. It's late and I'm very tired.

Only one downside?  Okay, so he wants to talk to me.

On the bright side, my girlfriends are going to love you! None of them are here to rescue me from my bad writing right now, though, so I think I better just stop myself.

Wow,  I'm glad to know I'll be welcomed into your poly family with open arms by your multitude of girlfriends.  My fear of rejection by them may have held me back up until now.

I look so forward to hearing back from you and learning more about you! What more would you like to know about me?

Sincerely

That Guy (name changed to protect the creeper, he earned himself this nickname here)

Well, sir, here's what I would like to know about you....  Exactly how long have you been without sleep?  What psychiatric medications are you currently taking?  Has anyone ever told you that you come on too strong?  A nice long message is good, but this shit is intimidating!  Did you notice that my husband is straight when you sent him the long ass message?  Were you hinting that you have a Ph.D when you talked about other people's inability to spell it? 

I guess I'm kind of a cunt for taking this guy's sleep deprived, well intentioned message to my blog and sarcastically picking it apart.  I'm sorry.  I'd already done it in my head.  So, I may as well share it with the world.

"So, You've Broken the Chains of Monogamy Then"

Remember the swooning I did about 2 weeks ago?  Well, we had a second date.  In between the first and second date there were many many text messages exchanged.  They started off fun and flirty, got serious at times, went back to fun and flirty, covered the safer sex/history discussion, and went back to fun and flirty.  Our texting occurred in the late hours of the night, mostly between 11pm and 3am.  This was awesome for getting through some boring nights at work.

After several messages of cheesiness and general silly flirting, he sent the following message

Cheese and joking aside, I did find your company to be enjoyable and you to be attractive.  These are qualities which combine to make me interested in getting you into bed, if such things work out.  (Awkwardness of conversation: escalated)

Sexy man wanted to sleep with me.  I suspected the chemistry was mutual, but one is wise to be cautious with such assumptions.  Especially when one is new to poly, has been on several dates and on OkCupid for 2 months and has yet to sleep with anyone new.  That is a little disheartening in a way.  I was fairly ready to take it off for someone who was attractive and somewhat compatible.  You wouldn't think it would take all that long to find someone to fuck me.  Oh well (spoiler alert) the deed is done now.

Since its been 7 years since I was single and dating, I can truly appreciate how texting has changed the landscape of dating.  Having the sexual history discussion via text is something new and it's quite nice.  I appreciate the less awkward aspect of not being face to face for it.  You don't feel quite so judged.  Another benefit that was pointed out to me is that when you are texting you are not in the heat of the moment and thus tempted to skip important parts.  These are advantages to the "netization" of our socialization.  Besides, IMing on AOL back in the day was how I got dates in high school, so this works for me.  I appreciate someone who has command of the English language and can effectively flirt via text.  It's not all that easy.

In the meantime,  the Hubby and I negotiated terms for the next date.  I had no restrictions.  I could bring him back to the house and Hubby even helped me clean the house.  Yes, you read that correctly.  My husband helped me clean the house so that I could have a man over while he was at work for the purposes of having sex.  My only rule was to change the sheet before he got home.  With the mutual attraction confirmed, the safer sex conversation out of the way and full permissions granted by my husband things were set up for my first act of intercourse outside of my marriage. 


So, our flirting and general conversation went on and on until Tuesday finally arrived.  I woke up a little late and rather had to rush to make it to the restaurant.  I was only a few minutes late, thankfully.  And by a few, I mean like 4 or 5 minutes.  The restaurant was meh.  What happened afterwards was not at all meh.  He followed me back to the house.  On the way there I had a conversation with my mother on the phone. 

What are you doing?

I'm on my way home.

From where?

Dinner.  (Please don't ask any more questions...  please don't ask any more questions...)

Oh.  Well, I was calling about your brother...

(whew)

Once off the phone with her, I turned up the stereo and listened to Noah and the Whale.  There was a storm ahead of us on the highway, but it was only lightly raining where I was.  Once in a while lightening would strike in the clouds ahead.   I rolled the windows down and let my hair blow everywhere.  The wind smelled like rain and I was electrified by the spring storm and the feeling of change.  I was taking a guy home with the intention of having sex with him!

The night outside is five below
His heart is pumping blood
On his lips a perfect smile
His eyes begin to flood

Because tonight's the kind of night
Where everything could change
Tonight's the kind of night
Where everything could change

Noah and the Whale provided the lo-fi youth-inspired theme song to my intentions. 

Once inside, I didn't know how things were going to proceed.  Is it like how things were when I was younger, do you put on a movie and pretend you are going to watch it?  Nope.  He points out that the kissing was fun and I agreed.  From there, making out ensued.  He pulled me onto his lap so that I was straddling him.  We kissed a lot.  I leaned back and removed my shirt.  He seemed to appreciate that.  I ground my hips against him.  He removed his shirt.  I was wearing a skirt and his hands were wandering underneath it.  There was some awkward talking, but also this wonderful build up that comes along with a first encounter.   "It's like magic," I tell him, "I found you on OkCupid and now you are in my living room." I really feel like I've won something.  My bra is removed after he comments, "I never really know how these front clasp bras work."  I unsnap it.  After some more kissing and attention to my breasts, he asks me, "Any feelings of guilt?"  I leaned towards him and responded "No.  Not really.  I mean, there's a certain amount of discomfort knowing that what I'm doing will cause my husband emotional pain, but I know I have permission."  And we go back to what we were doing.  Honestly, what I wanted more than anything was to stay engaged in the moment and not lose my focus or primal intentions.  It honestly felt like the best thing to do for my husband was to make the most out of the experience so that his pain wouldn't be wasted.

Finally I stood up and made a comment about the futon folding down.  We make out further while we undress.  He slides his hand into my underwear and briefly slides his fingers inside me.  I am extremely wet.  He removes his fingers and licks them while murmuring "hmmm."  This is a move that turns me on.  We both finished undressing and I pulled the futon down into a bed.  I climbed onto the bed and he stood in front of me.  Okay.  Let's explore this cock.  Uncut.  Nice.  This will be fun.  I am not unfamiliar with this style as my first boyfriend in high school was not circumcised, and that was the guy I lost my virginity to.  Oddly enough, I honestly didn't know this at the time.  It was only after I had slept with someone else that I noticed the difference in anatomy.  I know what to do and I can approach this with some measure of confidence.  

So I suck his cock for a while.  He receives this attention differently than my husband.  He has both hands on the back of my head and he thrusts his hips towards me.  It was not uncomfortable and it did not bother me, but I was mostly indifferent to it.  It took some of the control away from me, but that's alright too.  After some time, we progressed to the next activity.  He spends some time just looking at my pussy and breathing on her.  I'm excited about this, but also apprehensive as I'm quite sure that most men don't know what they are doing down there.  He did.  It wasn't perfectly in tune with what I like, but I came rather quickly and had to ask him to ease off.  He seemed to enjoy this.  "You're fun." he said at one point.  I think this was in reference to the noises I was making and my general level of enthusiasm.  He kept at this for longer than I expected.  I came several times like this, each time having to ask him to slow down.  He pushed my limits and the whole time it bordered on too much stimulation, which ended in some intense orgasms, but was also a strange feeling. 

He stopped and stood up and asked where I hide my latex free condoms.  I crawled across the bed and reached into a box on the end table to get to them.  I did this knowing he would get an unrestricted view of my ass and I hoped he would enjoy that.  He did.  "I'm just enjoying the view," he said.  Awesome.  I was a little worried that he wouldn't like what he saw.  I'm glad to know that I was wrong.

And so we did it.  We fucked in my marriage bed.  It was fun!  And I didn't feel guilty about it.  I wanted it.  Afterwards, we cuddled for a long time.  We chatted, we kissed some more, and he gave me a really good back massage.  Eventually, he fell asleep and I got up to make a sandwich.  I later crawled back into bed and cuddled with him some more before I had to kick him out.  At one point he told me that I was "very responsive" in that it was really easy for me to get off.

I changed the sheet and I took a shower.  I erased all visible evidence of our tryst so that there would be no visible evidence to throw in my husband's face when I got home.  

Now I had Friday to look forward to, for that is when we made plans to meet again.  Friday.  And once I post this I will begin writing about what happened on Friday.  ;)

An Eventful Day: Swooning, Hanging with a Metamor, Coming Out and Scoring Some Digits

I had a rather eventful day.  First event on the schedule was a first date I was rather looking forward to.  I was excited about his profile and started swooning when he suggested a restaurant that serves only mac and cheese entrees.  I met him in a hip and cool part of the Big City on a very nice day.  He approached me outside the restaurant.  I looked up and immediately recognized him from his OKCupid pic.  He's hot.  I mean, really damn cute.  I know he's savvy enough to find this blog if he desires to and may be reading this.  I'm going to go ahead and take the risk of being totally honest here with my swooning.


A List of Swoons in Order of Appearance

1. Suggesting mac and cheese restaurant.
2. Being really damn cute.
3. British accent that was understated in profile.
4. Browsing through comic book shop, comments on this as a first date activity.
5. Has read A Song of Ice and Fire.
6. Laughs at my jokes.
7. Kissing was nice.  Really nice.
8. We make plans for our next date right there before parting ways.
9. We text throughout the evening, including an exchange about Apple products.

This was my most successful date thus far and I'm feeling quite good about it.   I'm on a bit of high afterwards and I decide to call my dad.  I make plans to meet with him later this night to have a face to face discussion so I can tell him.

I pick up Munchie, who has accepted my invitation to join me in going to a meeting for a poly discussion group.  Cool. Offer extended and accepted.  Meeting was fun and interesting.  I'm again reminded about the cool people that do this.  I later receive a text from my date who informs me that his wife is dating one of the people at that meeting.  It is all a bit incestuous, to borrow a great descriptor from someone else.  Too funny!

I have enough time to stop home and use the bathroom before going to meet my dad.  I arrive early and while sitting alone my server flirts with me a bit.  I flirt back.  My dad arrives, I come out to him.  He's skeptical and apprehensive, but relaxes as he gets more detail about the execution and motivations.  He also takes some responsibility for my tendency toward deviant behavior and rightfully so.

Dad leaves and I stay to flirt further with the cute Denny's server.  I score a phone number.  I impress him and his friends with my hatred of Twilight and my knowledge of Futurama.  I flirt hardcore.  I feel amazing.  I'm now home, blogging and will shortly be going to bed.

It's been an eventful day, but one without regrets.

The Worst Message I've Recieved on OKCupid Thus Far

I've received many terrible messages on Cupid.  In fact, I'm compiling a longer, more detailed post that collects them and divides them into categories.  Bad grammar aside, this message is the one that made me feel the grossest.

 

There are so many problems with this that I don't even know where to start.   From an entire page of information about me that I put serious effort into, the only thing you could thing to ask me about was my body type?  I'll just borrow from Seth and Amy here and say REALLY?!  I mention movies, books, games, activities, music and so many other things that I enjoy and the only thing that interests you is to make sure you understand my body type. 

The initial message made me angry.  The following three made me livid.  He was a dick to begin with, then he laughed at my anger and made light of it.  Then he attempts to change the subject and finally attempts to convince me that he's not like other guys and he's good at conversing.  Apparently, I need schooling on what good conversation is because I can't pick it out when I see it.  Apparently good conversation doesn't include apostrophes, correct spelling, punctuation or any real effort.

Go to hell Douchie McGee.  Sad thing is, I probably don't have to wish you luck on Cupid.  Some stupid woman is going to love your demeaning attitude and latch onto you.  I am not that woman. Make like a tree and leave, sir.

I'm Poly Because of Dan Savage and Because I'm Poly I'm Going to MEET DAN SAVAGE

It was largely by listening to Dan Savage that I decided the poly lifestyle was possible for us and started talking about it.  Mind you, I only just found out he existed in January of this year.  So in the last 3 months, Dan Savage has changed my life drastically.

Hubby has been talking to a cabaret dancer from nearby College Town that he met on OkCupid.  She texted him today about Dan Savage visiting the college TOMORROW.  Guess who's going to be too darn sick to go in tomorrow?  ME.  Guess who's driving the 2 hours to College Town to see him.  ME!  Guess who got her new bff to agree to make the drive with her?  ME!  Hubby can't go, but he's given me his blessing.

In other news, as I write this, he is out with Munchy and just ran into his mom and step dad in Target.  Oops.  He's wearing his ring and I gave the okay for them to hang out here tonight after I go into work.  I'm getting better!

Making Out and Getting Caught, High School Style

Tonight was my second date with a man outside of my marriage.  This guy, oh, I hope this doesn't make me sound like an asshole, but I've been referring to him as the Cute Jewish Boy or CJB for short.  I hope that's not insensitive.  I guess I'd have to ask him.  But then I would have to tell him that I've been calling him CJB, so that isn't going to happen.

The Scoundrel was honest (I think) and intense and there was a definite instant sexual attraction.  But there's also a Spidey Sense tingling...  CJB, on the other hand...

CJB is kind and genuine and polite.  He truly believes in what he works for and was interesting to talk to.  Too often, I have to dumb down my speech.  I'm told I use "too many big words" and I have to talk in a certain way in order to relate to certain people.  With CJB, I felt challenged to use the big words.  I like that.  He's serious and straightforward and passionate.  The few attempts at humor were deadpan, but funny.  I'm a bit goofier than he is, but it also may not be fair to judge that on a first date.

CJB is not from around here and is only here for a limited time.  So, like a fast food special, I need to get it while I can if I wish to try it.  There's something about that I find very thrilling.  Hubby commented that I'm approaching this much like a guy.  That's true.  I find I want to challenge myself and approach these situations like a conquest.  I want to be a bit naughty in a way I've never been.  So, yes, I want to be a little dude-like and the thought of a temporary fling with a definite end does something for me.

With that in mind, let me tell you how this date went.  When I originally messaged CJB on OkCupid, I did not expect to hear back.  He's very attractive, you see, and he had answered "no" to the "open relationship" question, so I didn't know if he would be interested.  Lo and behold, he responded.  We messaged back and forth for a while and he was agreeable to getting together, but left it up to me to pick a place.  I chose the local laser tag venue and he picked a restaurant.

The restaurant meeting was nothing but good conversation and a little getting to know each other.  He drove to the laser tag place where we played only 2 games and had 2 drinks.  During the games, he stole a few kisses before and after while on the course and in somewhat private areas.  Throughout it all, there is the possibility of being recognized. 

When he suggested we leave, I was surprised, but excited by this possibility so I agreed.  We made out in his car for a bit before discussing the next stage of the evening.

"Where should we go?"  He asked.

"That's a good question.  What do you think?"  I asked.

"You're asking me?  I've been here a week.  You're the resident expert."

I was silent for a while and then I thought of something.  There is a local famous landmark that I won't name, so as to not give away my location.  This place is technically closed at night, but is also amazing to visit at night.  It's ancient and magical.  You can see the nearby Big City skyline from the top and still see the stars clearly from this place.  You have to climb a lot of stairs to get to the top and once you are up there it is rather intense.

It was fucking cold outside and I had only brought a light jacket.

"I have an extra coat in my trunk if you would like to wear it." Said this chivalrous young man.  I accepted and he placed his warm extra coat around me and we climbed to the top of the mound.  At the top we made out for a while, until I pointed out that it was still fucking cold and we headed down.  Once back in his car, he cranked the heat.  He took my hands in his and blew on them to warm them up.  You know what?  That works.  Who knew?

Then the real stuff started.  I knew at this moment that whatever was going to happen on this first date, was going to happen right here, right now in this car in this parking lot of this park.  I was ready.  Making out ensued.  The double layer of jackets was clumsily removed and hands went over my bra.  A hand went up the back of my shirt to attempt to remove my bra, but it was a trick! 

"It's in the front." I said as I unclasped it.  Another man saw my tits for the first time in 8 years.  He played and eventually I started rubbing his cock through his jeans.  He undid his pants.  I knew he wanted oral, but I wasn't quite ready to go that far. 

"My hand is still cold."

"That's okay, it feels good."

"Can I make you come like this?"

"Yes."

Read that dialog again and insert some moaning and you'll have it about right.  With a course of action decided, I got to work.  (How could I let this poor boy go home without an orgasm?)  Then there was the bright flash from the road.

Wait.  Well, maybe it's nothing, a headlight from a turning car.  Nope.  That's a cop. 

Flash, flash, goes the cop.

Button, stuff, snap, zip went us.

The cop pulls in behind us.  Shit!  He was friendly and asked for our ID's.  He ran our names and returned our IDs.

"Listen, I hate to ruin your fun, but these parks close at night and you'll have to leave."  That was it.  We left.  Did the cop know that I'm married?  At this point, I really felt it was time to head home and I let the poor boy go home without an orgasm.  Dammit.  Oh well, we both said we'd like to do this again. 

The paranoid part of my brain (that needs a name) hopes that he truly likes me and isn't just horny, but really I just hope he'll make plans with me again. He does have other Cupid prospects, but he did seem to be enjoying the way I played with his cock, so hopefully that will weigh in.  He'll have his own place soon, somewhere that cops won't be patrolling, and we'll see what happens next time.