Thursday, July 5, 2012

How to Teach a Less Experienced Sex Partner

I've been Googling to seek advice on this topic and have come up empty handed.  I've found plenty of information about teen sex and how to be the less experienced sex partner (all written toward women) but I've not been able to find one decent article on how to teach someone with less experience.  Perhaps I am not Googling the right set of words, but I don't know where else to look.  There's probably something in the Savage Love archives somewhere, but it doesn't appear to be searchable so I'm still at a loss.  What to do?  I suppose I will attempt to write on article with the advice I expect to see and as I learn how to teach, I will revise this piece as necessary to reflect the knowledge I learn.

The reason I am seeking this advice in the first place is that I need some help with my Hulk situation.  The last time I went over to his place for pizza, TV and cuddling, I was really hoping I'd finally get a chance to have sex with him.  I wasn't sure as he was dealing with some hang-ups about me not being on birth control.  I was happy to hear that he was over this, but he admitted that he is inexperienced with condoms and is nervous about knowing how to use them.  This wasn't a problem, as I sucked his dick until he was plenty hard and I put the condom on.  Then he lost his erection after about 15 seconds of actual sex.  He felt really bad about this and kept attempting to get it back up by making out some more and getting me turned on again, only to fail again.  This was extremely frustrating. He offered to pleasure me with his fingers, but nothing was said about oral stimulation.  I have work to do.  Sigh. I have a lot of work to do.  The problem is, I don't really know how to do it.  He has the right attitude, he has asked me to teach him.  That's a start.  I just don't know how to go about doing that as the more submissive sex partner.  And he definitely wants me more submissive, when I've been on top of him making out, it makes him uncomfortable and he quickly changes position so he is in control.  I normally like this very much, but I'm not sure how to assume a teaching role from that standpoint.

With all of this in mind, and the lack of resources on the subject, here is what I would expect to find if I could find the advice I am seeking.

Be Patient
Don't expect your new less experienced lover to pick up everything in one night.  Remember that you were once less experienced too.  You didn't always suck cock like you do now.  You probably weren't always willing to do all the weird things you do now.   You may have to let them know what you expect of them.  For example, I expect a lover of mine to give, as well as receive, oral sex.  I will make this expectation clear.


Use Available Resources
If your partner is truly willing to learn, don't be afraid to give them a book to lead them in the right direction.  This lets them take a proactive stance and learn on their own.  Hopefully they'll put forth the effort and be willing to practice their new skills with pride and some degree of confidence.  If you suggest a book and they decline or seem offended, then you probably aren't going to get where you hope to go and may want to consider giving up or accepting sloppy inexperienced sex for the length of the relationship.  Don't use porn as a resource.

Point Out the Things You Enjoy Before Giving Advice on How to Do Things Better
Use good communication techniques when you are giving advice.  Say things like "I like it when you do x, but I might enjoy it more if you did it this way."  Make sure to tell them when they are doing things right.  Words are great, but using moans and body language can be just as effective.  Even so, using words will reinforce that you aren't faking it.

Communicate
This was partially covered above, but bears repeating here.  Don't be afraid to speak about anything, just be nice about it.  Be encouraging, but don't suffer through something that hurts or has no feeling because you are afraid to speak up.  If their ego is so fragile it can't handle talking about the sex you are having, you shouldn't be having sex with that person.

 




  


8 comments:

  1. If he wants you to be more submissive, perhaps you could try "begging" him to do things to you, while you're in some sort of passive position? It's exactly equivalent to telling him to do it, but slight rephrasing lets him view it in a more dominant light.

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  2. Hey, I think you came up with some great advice for yourself! (And others). And NMB's tip sounds creative.

    This comment probably isn't worth publishing as I'm not adding anything, just appreciating what you came up with when you were imagining what you'd like to see. No offence if you delete it.

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    1. People are actually reading and taking the time to comment on my blog... I'm not deleting anything that's not mean! :D

      Delete
  3. I have to ask - why *not* use porn as a resource? I understand why you might want to avoid mainstream porn, with uncomfortable positions, minimal human interaction, and camera angles designed to maximize your view of the penetration... but that's not all there is! The Crash Pad series is fucking awesome and has given me tons of ideas. There are scores of independent pornographers doing cool stuff, if you just try to find them.

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    1. Well, I'll have to check out Crash Pad then. I obviously haven't been watching the right porn. ;)

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  4. Because of [reasons] my GF and I started out VERY slowly when it came to sex. It was toys and hands for the first few months before adding in oral. And then some months after that before we moved on to adding in PiV. This had amazing benefits to us, our sex lives, and our relationship. Lots of talk about what worked, what didn't, what to do next. Having immensely satisfying sex where PiV wasn't even on the menu served to expand the options in our sex lives exponentially.

    Men are often socialized to believe that PiV is THE way that sex can be had. Learning otherwise is one of the best educations that *I* ever had.

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  5. Wow, I've recently found myself in a remarkably similar position - preferably submissive but far more experienced. I'm afraid it could take years to get this guy up to speed. I hope someone can offer some enlightening advice, because trading in a guy who couldn't keep up intellectually for one who can't keep up sexually is beyond frustrating.

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    1. I feel this so much. I want to know how teaching "The Hulk" turned out, or if in the time since this blog post was written, has the author figured out a way to coach a guy who is not as explicitly receptive to being taught.

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