Monday, July 2, 2012

And my insecurities surface again...

Arg. This is so dumb. I wish I could turn this off. I'm feeling jealous, but not with Hubby. I'm feeling jealous with NMB. What does this mean? I haven't figured it out yet. I'll try to unpack it here.

So here's what's got me bothered and up blogging when I should be sleeping in preparation for a perfectly promising date tonight.  I've had a string of unsuccessful dates, a long line of unanswered okc messages, a failed attempt at sex (I haven't even blogged about this.  I hate to admit I'm almost too embarrassed, although it was not my fault), a cancelled date...  I've been remarkably unsuccessful at dating lately.

When I last asked NMB what was going on in his dating life, I got the surprising answer that I was the only one he was seeing regularly.  He said he was slowing down on dating at the moment.  I guess this makes sense as his wife isn't dating right now either.

Then he tells me that he sent out a message to someone on OkC, went on a date with her and she went to Six Flags with his wife.  He gave me her OkC name if I was curious.  I shouldn't have looked.  And I definitely shouldn't have looked at her FB after she posted on his wall.

First I'm going to break down why these feelings are irrational, then I will tell you the ridiculous reasons they are bothering me. 

  • I really am happy to keep things on a more casual level.  I don't know what more serious would mean and I like our once weekly dates.  I also don't want to give up any of my freedom as I'm only just enjoying it.  With my work schedule, I only have 4 free nights a week.
  • He is obviously interesting in continuing to date me.  He just made arrangements to see me before his parents visit.  
  • He missed me while he was in France. 
  • He doesn't seem to end things with people he sees.  From what he's told me, schedules and moves end his extra marital relationships.  
  • He went on a camping trip with me and we've discussed going on another one. 
  • He's not a Vapor Trail and yet that seems to be what I'm afraid of.  
  • We text on an almost daily basis and I've been told this is unusual for him.  
  • We're poly.  He's not going to stop dating me because of somebody else. 

Here is why this situation is bothering me, irrational, all of them.  But I'm just going to blurt them out and get it out of my system.

  • He messaged her despite saying that he wasn't really interested in dating other people right now.  What makes her so special!
  •  She shares a craft skill with me, but she's way more prolific.  In fact, I'm fairly certain I've seen her stuff at a local con.  This should not bother me.  I'm quite certain NMB doesn't care that she crochets more than I do.  (Not necessarily better, mind you, just more.) 
  • Her first name is the same as mine, but she spells it in such a way that is contrived and retarded.  I think Brayzin Bunnae would be the pseudonym equivalent.  (Why does this matter? It's probably not even her fault!)
  • I've decided I don't like her and she pisses me off despite the fact that we are a 92% match on OkC.  (Okay, this is based on me thinking she seems really opinionated and obnoxious)
  • NMB is the best thing I have going.  That comes off sounding desperate, but I really do like spending time with him and I REALLY like the sex.  I'd be pretty broken up about it if it failed.
  • I'm PMSing.  Shark Week is here and I'm feeling like crap-o-la.
So this begs the question...  what am I to do?  Communicate, right?  But what do I communicate?  I don't want a change in our relationship.  I don't want to make things more serious just because I'm feeling jealous.  What I need from my husband when I'm jealous is reassurance.  I've decided that this is what I need from NMB too, but only the reassurance that he wants to continue to date me.  My insecurities are running pretty high right now.  I really want to feel better, but it's hard in the face of so many set-backs.

This is what I'm deciding.  We've been seeing each other regularly long enough that I think it's reasonable that we define our relationship on some level.  I will propose that we begin to use the terms boyfriend/girlfriend with the definition as follows. We continue to see each other and define things as we go along.  We won't fade away, it's an official relationship in that it requires an official break up.  I'll see him on Sunday and I need to bring this up then.  (Posted late, Sunday is now in the past.)

UPDATE: Before I could post this I had a phone conversation with him that made me feel better.  I called him after my awkward date.  He seemed happy to hear from me, stayed on the phone for a long while and was hesitant to let me go, I think.  He also mentioned this new girl and told me that we had the same name.  I said, "Ah, so you are seeing two girls named Brazen then"  He said, "Well, I don't know if I'm seeing her, we went on one date."  Sigh.  I blame the fact that my period just started on all of this irrational emotion.  I felt much reassured after all of that.



3 comments:

  1. Interesting concept - of forming an official relationship which needs an official breakup. It sounds like he's already important to you in that way, whatever the label of the relationship. Maybe that's what there is/was to communicate - how important it has become to you, what it means to him, and in what way the two of you would be willing to commit to process/ communicate about potential "breakup level" problems. Obviously you want more than "well it's not fun anymore, see ya later", and he probably does too.

    Failing that, get a closure deposit like a rent deposit. (JK)

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  2. I was amused by your comments about her name, because that bothered me, too. I couldn't tell from her profile if I would like her or be annoyed by her, and when I heard about her name, I was pretty sure it would be the latter. (I saw her license, and it's not spelled that way there.) But once I met her, it turned out she was pretty awesome, and I felt a little shallow for being snooty about her name. I guess everyone is allowed their little quirks.

    That said, have I ever told you about the guy I went on a couple of dates with who told me his name was something absolutely absurd? A word of warning: if you tell me your name is something I'll feel stupid saying, I'll just come up with a nickname for you in my head. Thus, absurdly-named-guy shall now and forever be known as Emo Kid in my heart.

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  3. Kellie- you are awesome :) My boyfriend's wife is reassuring me about my jealous insecurities. I know what you mean by her profile. I'm definitely leaning towards annoyed, but if you say she's not, then I'll lighten up a bit, I guess.

    One of my high school teachers would say, "If you can't be proud of your name, what can you be proud of?" and I guess I just think people who change the spelling of their name are doing themselves a disservice. That said, I like my name so much, I refused to change it after marriage, so there!

    And no, you haven't told me this, but I must know what the name was!

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