First a little background on our particular group of friends. Many years ago, there was event known by some as The Sundering. A couple broke up and the female involved decided to immediately go out with her ex-bf's best friend. The best friend happened to be G. The group split apart and we didn't speak for years. Before all of this happened G asked me out and I declined. I would do the same again. He's a fantastic friend and I would do anything for him, but I don't want to date him. It's just not there.
Knowing that... here is what has occurred since we became poly. He has repeatedly refused to talk to me about it, at first expressing anger and concern about our relationship, citing two other couples he knows who are non-monogamous and were not stable. He expressed the fear that we would eventually break up because of it or at least become extremely hurt. Over the last few months, he has been distant, refusing to discuss it and claiming that he doesn't mind, that we are both adults and we should do whatever makes us happy. I have still attempted to talk to him only to be told it's unnecessary.
In dating Hulk, we both recognized that G would be likely to have a negative reaction to us dating and thus we were trying to determine how to handle it. Keep in mind that our first date was Tuesday and the following events occurred on Saturday night. G has specifically asked not to be informed about who we are dating, thus putting me in a difficult position. Also, keep in mind that the background to much of this was Shakespeare's Othello- the primary theme of which is perceived infidelity. Perceived infidelity. That's what occurred IRL tonight as well, as far as I can tell anyway. Since my friend has refused to discuss it with me, I can only speculate. The title of this is a quote from Othello, in this instance, it describes my friendship with this person and his decision to murder it based on perceived infidelity.
This is what I suspect my friend has murdered our friendship over. He doesn't know the timeline, that we only started dating on Tuesday. He doesn't know that starting on Tuesday we were trying to figure out how to handle things with G. He doesn't know that we were holding back on showing our affection out of respect for him and his boundaries. All he knew going into tonight is that I invited Hulk to the event and talked him into coming along and bringing his daughter. I did not hide this. We were still trying to figure out how to address it.
G was distant from the moment he showed up. He did not join the majority of us on the sea of blankets we had created. Instead, he asked another friend for an additional blanket and sat somewhat behind us all, incidentally right behind where Hulk and I were primarily hanging out. We texted a little, but decided to keep things on the DL to not stir the pot and challenge G's comfort zone.
Then G left. He made an excuse about not feeling well, said his sandwich didn't agree with him and he left. He left smiling (faking) and said that he would call me about watching the pets later this week. He left.
I looked at Hulk and raised an eyebrow. He put out his arm to welcome me to cuddle. All of my friends present in the situation were comfortable with this. Hulk was comfortable with this in front of his daughter. One of my bff's was comfortable with this in front of her new bf. The other bff was fine with it in front of her kids. ("I don't care. Once they get older I'll just explain it. Some people are like Mommy and Daddy and some are like BB and Hubby") My younger brother, age thirteen, who I had told that we were poly, but not that I was dating Hulk, was completely comfortable with it. I didn't think about it until later, but to have that kind of acceptance from the people in my life that I care about is a pretty intense feeling of support. My friends are awesome, truly.
At some point, I am sitting alone with J, my super awesome gay friend, who discloses that G was asking if I was "dating or trying to date Hulk" and he didn't know what to say. I told him not to lie. That I didn't want to lie about it. From what I gather some time later, he again asked and J disclosed. G's response? "She lied to me."
After returning home, I got this a text from G-
I'm sorry for the short notice, but you need to find someone else to pet sit this weekend. I will return your key to you this week.
Hubby got the same text and actually managed some conversation. He got the following about me:
As for why, well ask your wife I'd say. I was mislead, lied to, and disrespected tonight and I don't feel comfortable doing it right now. At some point, if you want to hang out, let me know, but I just can't do the pet sitting right now, I'm afraid. I will talk to you later, I'm sure.I have a huge problem with this. He's now told at least two people that I'm a liar without talking to me. He also seems to be totally fine with the men involved, but not me. I'm feeling a little slut shamed. I suspect there is a complex set of emotions going on here that he doesn't completely understand. He's had other friends in open relationships, that he may have looked down on, but not unfriended. Our gay friend, J, was a third for an existing couple for a while and he didn't hold it against him. He's continued to talk to my husband throughout all of this while being distant with me. I can't help but feel my vagina has something to do with his negative reaction.
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