Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Primary and Secondary: What the Hierarchical Terms Mean to Me

Titles often weird me out.  I don't know why.  When my Hubby decided to start going by a shortened version of his name, it took me years to use it properly.  I still use the name I knew him by first about fifty percent of the time.  When we got married, I had to say "husband" over and over again before it felt right.  When Not-My-Boyfriend became my boyfriend, it was weird to use that term as well.  That's why I've put a lot of thought into the use of the hierarchical terms of the poly world. 

There is a lot of controversy about this.  I can understand why some poly people are opposed to them.  They prioritize people and that's sort of wrong, but it's also sort of natural.  We do it from the time we are kids, organizing our friends into "friends" and "best friends".  We do it on Facebook now with a range of intimacy.  I can have "close friends" and "acquaintances" and decide what I want to share with each group.  We do it with family.  The fact is that we are forced to prioritize due to the limited resource of time.  Sometimes friends only become close friends because of close geographical proximity, correlating schedules or situations which place you close to that person on a regular basis, such as working together.  Although we may have the same feelings of love for all of our friends and family, we must make choices on who we see more often.  This fluctuates depending on life circumstances.  I see my friends more often when my husband and I work opposite schedules as I am more likely to stay home with him if we have the time off together.  I will make an effort to see a friend more often when they need extra support or I need support from them.  Life circumstance brings friends closer together too.  I expect my friend circle to shift when my baby arrives as I will spend more time with people who are tolerant of children or have children of their own.  

We tend to prioritize the people we care about based on life circumstance and what our needs are and what their needs are at the time.  This is necessary and not morally wrong.  Human brains are programmed to see patterns and organize things and people.  That's why stereotyping comes so easily.  It's innate and it's necessary to have some organization in your life.  A large part of my job is deciding what the priority problem is and how to organize my work and time most effectively to get things done.  I do this in my life as well to maintain relationships.

Having been in two relationships for several months now, I feel I've finally come to a conclusion on how I feel about hierarchical terms.  Saying that you are in a primary relationship doesn't mean you love or care for your secondary partner any less, but it does mean that you organize your life around one person more than another.  This isn't a bad thing.  One needs priorities and organization in life to reach goals and maintain order.  I don't like drama in my life.  As my marriage will expand into a small family soon, I want that family to be my priority.  I want my boyfriend's family to be his priority.

To think that every poly person can and should reach this ideal of total equality across relationships doesn't make sense to me in the structure of our society.  The exception is poly groups.  If you are in a poly group and everyone is functionally an equal, then the terms primary and secondary do not make sense.  However, for people like myself, who started out in long term monogamous relationships, who have or want families, who don't desire to upset the status quo and invite huge upsetting life changes (not always preventable, I know), who live with one partner...  it makes more sense to me to apply the labels "primary" and "secondary" and maybe add "casual".

This is not something I have discussed with my boyfriend, though I'm certain we will after this post, but I feel like this is how we naturally organized our relationship.  I never had any desire to upset his life, family or marriage.  I consider myself a secondary and I'm comfortable with that.  I am respected and loved in his life, but living an hour away from each other and each of us having preexisting life priorities, it just doesn't make any sense to say that our relationship to each other is on equal grounds with that of our marriages.  We've each asked the other to change plans around our spouses and always confirm with our spouses before we settle on definite plans. With the exception of my early insecurities, this relationship has been easy to enjoy and I think the acceptance of each others lives and the ease of falling into these roles has contributed to this.  There are many other factors at play here, but that deserves a blog post of it's own. 

I have finally drawn my own conclusions on how I feel about hierarchical terms in my poly world.  I'm okay with them.  Unless I someday end up in a triad or a quad or some sort of poly group that lives together, I can't see myself being able to practically treat all of my partners exactly the same.  That doesn't mean I love my boyfriend any less, but that love is certainly different than the love I feel for my husband and the love I feel for my friends.  It doesn't mean it's inferior.  It doesn't mean it's less important in my heart.  It does mean that my husband and my impending family are my priority in my day to day life.  This is no different than the way my marriage has always taken precedence over my friends, but I also choose friends that support my marriage, just as I've done with my boyfriend.

Perhaps in a differently structured society or a commune-type situation, the hierarchical terms wouldn't make sense.  Right now, in my life and the society that I live in, they make the most sense and that's okay. 

Sunday, November 18, 2012

My Pregnancy Super Power is Squirting. It's ridiculous. Seriously.

I've been a squirter since I became sexually active.  The first time it happened was with my loser high school boyfriend who said, "I think you peed." Since I didn't really know what happened, my only argument in response was "It doesn't smell like pee."

Anyway, it tends to happen during sex once in a while.  Usually it comes along with a really strong orgasm, but not with every really strong orgasm.  Certain positions and clitoral stimulation along with penetration make it more likely to occur.  I don't always feel it when it happens and I can't usually predict it. 

Since I've hit the second trimester of this pregnancy, I squirt like a crazy person.  I mean, copious amounts of fluid...  Soaking through layers... Squirting out against my boyfriend with enough force that small droplets ricochet back in my face.  I slept in the middle of the hotel bed last night because the one side was soaked through to the flat sheet.  There was also a large wet spot on the floor next to the chair.  I could feel it through my socks when I walked across it.  Seriously.  Those poor hotel housekeepers have no idea how much body fluid I left behind in that room.  I should have bagged the sheets in biohazard bags.

I can also feel it more.  I feel it when it happens.  I can feel when it's going to happen... sometimes.  I'm going to use this to try to get more in tune with my body so I can better feel when it's going to happen and maybe gain some control over it.  Right now, there's not much that I can do about it other than knowing the activities that make it more likely.   

I could assume that the increased awareness of the occurrence and the increased occurrences of squirting themselves are a result of the increased blood flow to my genitals.  Vaginal lubrication increases with increased blood flow, as more fluid travels out of the blood and through the tissues with the increased capillary pressure of more blood.  Since increased blood flow also causes increased sensitivity of the genitals, these two mechanisms could be working together to cause the increased frequency of ejaculation.  I come harder from the increased sensitivity and there's more fluid there to squirt.  It's also possible that the increased blood flow and pregnancy hormones have caused growth of the glands that are responsible for female ejaculation, but I'm just speculating.  I have to do more research.

There's so little information out there on female ejaculation as it is, the only sources I can find for this during pregnancy are on pregnancy message boards where other women mention it happening to them.  I haven't been very good about reading my pregnancy books, but I doubt they mention it in there.  I'd love to learn more about this.


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

The Consequences of Hitting on Cute Young Servers at Your Local Denny's

I hadn't seen DK in a while and I had started to believe that he may no longer work at my local Denny's.  I had unfriended him on social media and ignored his request when he attempted to refriend me.  Seriously, I have zero interest at this point.  He's a joke. 

Last night I traveled to Denny's for my usual standing date with Joe.  Unfortunately, I arrived before him.  I see DK outside the restaurant as I pull in.  I walk towards the restaurant and I see him quickly put out his cigarette and go in the other door to get ahead of me and hold the inner door open for me. 

"Hey" I say. "I'm meeting a friend."  I'm trying to be cool, but I stumble a bit and have to clumsily catch myself by reaching for the wall.  (Stupid shifting center of gravity!)

"Whoa!  Be careful.  You're meeting a friend, huh?" DK is already starting in on being a douche.  Apparently he hasn't figured out that I have self esteem.

"Yep.  He's not here yet.  I'm just gonna take this booth, is that cool?"


I sit down and immediately text Joe.  "Oh gawd.  Get here please.  That server is here!  Help me!" 

DK gets me a coke and then leans against the bench across from me.  At this point, I have taken note of Joe's care in the parking lot.  

"So, your friend is coming up here, huh?  I don't have anything to do right now.  You could just wait around for an hour or I could be your friend."

"Actually, he's walking in right now." 

"Oh, I see." He replies.  I can't hide my amused smile.  Is this guy for real?  He still thinks that negging me is going to get somewhere or maybe his conceited little butt actually thought that I was just coming up there to see him and I made up the friend.  He walks away and Joe slides into the booth across from me just a moment later. 

DK continues to try to flirt once Joe arrives.  He quickly figures out that he's not welcome in our conversation.  Joe picks up on this too and even made a protective comment under his breath as the guy walked away.  "Dude, how do you know that's not my girlfriend?" 

"Well, he is aware of the open relationship, but it would still be bad form to flirt like that if we were on a date."

I order off their ridiculous "Hobbit" menu and I receive this skillet piled high with pot roast and veggies.  DK sets it on the table with the following comment, "I hope you're hungry enough."  I ignore this comment, but I take note of his apparent interest in how much I eat. 

Joe and I had our usual conversations. Work, education, mutual friends, sex, his dying cat, my pregnancy...  It goes on and on.  I continue on my quest to convince him of the realities of female ejaculation.  DK eventually arrives to take my plate.  Now, maybe he just has no idea what else to say to me, so he again comments on my food. 

"Wow.  You must have been really hungry."

"Is that serious or sarcastic?"

"It's sarcastic.  I'm always surprised when someone actually finishes their food.  Like him.  He did a good job."  I clap for Joe and his clean plate in response.

"Maybe you shouldn't make so many comments on what a girl eats..." I offer this unsolicited advice to DK.  He offers a to-go box and I accept. 

"Joe, you cleaned your plate.  It's gonna be a sunny day tomorrow!  That's what my grandma used to say."  Which is only one of the weird things my crazy grandma used to say.

"My cat's going to die tomorrow."  He deadpans.  I love Joe.

Months ago, in the beginning thralls of my new freedom to flirt, I flirted with a young disrespectful playa and I'm still dealing with the awkward consequences.  He was butt hurt over it.  He shut down.  When he cashed out our tickets, he said as little as possible and although I was avoiding eye contact, so was he.  I don't feel the least bit guilty about this. I'm a cool chic and he could have at least made out with me if he had treated me with respect.  The negging, the standing up... yeah, he's not that cute.  I'll still check him out as he walks away, but I have no interest in anything other than looking.  I'd like to think this older lady taught him something about how to treat women, but the reality is he'll probably just stay butt hurt and call me a slut if anyone asks.  Silly boy.

The lesson here?  If you want your local Denny's to stay your haven for meeting good friends and lovers and study buddies and family members for late night coffee and pie, don't flirt with the servers.  You're just setting yourself up for awkwardness in the future.  Especially if you are clumsy and trip over your own feet when you are trying to act cool and blow someone off.  There are exceptions to this rule, as there are with all rules.  Years ago, I flirted with a server at my local Denny's and had a short, but very fun relationship with the guy.  The sex was great.  I'd do him again if I had the chance, but that was years ago and he was older than me.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Come On Ladies, Let's Demand Some Quality with our Sexual Entertainment

The other day an acquaintance posted a Facebook status gushing about Magic Mike.  She acknowledged that the story was bad, but forgave that for the opportunity to see hot men dancing around shirtless.  I replied, "If you want hot naked men doing sexy things with no plot, try porn.  You can skip all the awkward conversation and shots of cars parking."  My reply was deleted almost immediately.  Why?  Why does it cross the line in polite society to suggest that women simply watch porn to get what they want?  You might make the argument that it might be an unprofessional thing to say, but I don't think that's it.

Every night, I see coworkers and patients reading Fifty Shades of Grey without shame in the open.  It's okay to admit that reading about being tied up and taken advantage of turns you on, but it's not okay to watch it.  Why?  You can gush to your friends and blow up Facebook when a movie about male strippers debuts, but it's not okay to admit you want to watch men in a more graphic state. Why?

In this day and age when porn is so easily available on the Internet.  You don't have to go out and rent it at a store where someone might see you.  You don't have to go out and buy it where you might run into someone you know and have to pretend not to see each other.  You don't have to pay for premium cable channels and tune in late at night and hope that there's something on that appeals to your interests.  You can hop on your computer in the comfort of your own home and pull up whatever vanilla or kinky thing that turns your crank. 

Is it because women aren't allowed to admit that they masturbate?  Does it cross the line to admit that you enjoy sex?  Fifty Shades of Grey is wrapped neatly in a Twilight-inspired love story, making it okay to enjoy the sexy parts.  Magic Mike allows you to appreciate sexy men without having to admit that you want to have sex with them.  You just want to watch them dance around.  Porn crosses the line as it involves actual nudity and actual sex acts.

At least if we are going to talk about liking things that turn us on, can we please seek out something of quality?  Why do we have to wait for everyone else to like something before we can admit to liking it to?  And why when I state that I don't like Twilight or Fifty Shades or Magic Mike am I looked at like I'm a party pooper?  I'm not judging you for your sexy interests, that's for sure!  I'm judging you for your apparent inability to recognize your entertainment as vapid and poorly written, or your failure to think for yourself about what you are consuming and just agreeing with the rest of your circle that it's good. 

If we are going to agree on something as a culture, ladies, lets agree that it's okay to like what you like.  Most importantly, that it's okay to like sex and it's okay to like whatever kind of sex you like.  You don't have to like the sex that's popular.  And if you don't like sex, that's okay too, but it doesn't make those of us who do any better or worse.  Maybe that's what we are working towards and maybe I shouldn't be so critical of these popular things when they may lead to the sort of open society that I'd like to see.  I just don't understand why it's okay to like Fifty Shades, but it's not okay to like some kinky porn to help you get off when you're working alone.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have something to attend to...

Side Note:

I wanted to include in this post a short description of how I enjoyed Magic Mike.  I saw it at the drive-in from the bed of my truck.  I really didn't see much of the movie as much of the time my back was to the screen so I could straddle my boyfriend and make out with his adorable face.  He gave me notice of when I should turn around to see sexy men, which we enjoyed together.  I spent way more time making out than I did watching the movie, taking advantage of my exhibitionist streak and working up an appetite for more.  That's how I enjoyed Magic Mike and I'll dare to say I had a better experience than most patrons of the movie.  The movie, however, had little to do with that.  ;)