Oh, hai Reality!

Sunday was another icky day for me.  My self esteem was in the crapper and I can't even blame my cycle.  This time it was circumstantial and well, to be honest, kind of a pity party.  My success with dating has been nonexistent for the last few weeks.  I've had several cancelled dates, an uncomfortable encounter with a real life creeper, disappointment and weirdness with Hulk...

Everyone is getting laid but me.  Hulk got it on with an okc match over the last few weeks.  Hubby got it on with a 20 year old on Friday.  NMB got it on with same-name-weird-spelling chic on Saturday.  I got that news the same time I received the news that he wouldn't be able to join me on an upcoming float trip.  This combination of events sent me to a rather ugly place for a day or so.  I didn't sleep at all yesterday.  It was a mini version of this.  I wanted to fix my flawed thinking, but I couldn't do anything to make myself feel better.  I was internalizing all of the external forces and decided that there was a fundamental flaw somewhere.  I searched for it.  And if I was fundamentally flawed (too fat? not smart enough? too emotional? overly attaching? just plain old shit?) why would NMB want to be in a relationship with me?  When everyone I'm in a relationship with is connecting with new people and no one on okc is even giving me the time required to write a message, why would the people I'm in a relationship with want to continue to see me?  It must be that they are just missing something.  They somehow haven't seen the Big Flaw yet.

I was even giving myself a hard time for having these emotions.  "See, why would anyone want you?  You decide you want to be poly and you can't even handle it.  You thought you were an emotionally healthy person and then, well, look at you.  Just shit.  You can't even get out of bed.  Why would he want to date you when you can't even handle this minor little thing?  Hubby's not going to tolerate this forever, now that he knows how easily he can find someone else, why would he put up with your crazy ass?  You're just like your mother, melting down into crazy-mess."  I was berating myself just for having the negative emotions, for not being perfectly even keel and taking it all in stride.  The negative emotions formed a positive feedback loop of negativity.

feel bad about yourself --> feel worse about yourself for feeling bad about yourself --> feel even worse about yourself --> feel even worse about yourself for feeling even worse about yourself --> pile of shit

I began to pull myself out of it by reaching out to my friends.  My friends are fantastic, by the way.  It's not often that I need reassurance like this, but did they ever pull through.  Everyone reminded me that this is temporary that Hubby was in the same place not so long ago and that's how dating goes.  They all encouraged me in some way.  One offered to be my pimp, one told me I was an awesome person...  they all assured me that it would turn around.  This was a start.  I made a conscious decision to work through it, but how?  Use your resources.  In handling unfamiliar emotions with no cultural background noise to teach me what to do, I have to seek guidance from the masses of people who are have experienced this.  I read some articles on http://www.morethantwo.com/ including this one on managing jealousy.  I actually sat down and started making a list of things I value about myself.  I realized that the things I was writing down are the same traits I value in others.  This is the important stuff.  This is the stuff that makes people good.  As I wrote, I thought that little things that I don't like about me, such as occasionally losing control of my emotional state, are minor and that overall I'm a really good person, dammit. (+1) I found evidence for this in my long term friendships (+1) and support (+1) from these friends, many of whom are new friends because I make friends easily. (+1) I remembered that the whole reason this was possible for us was because I am open minded (+1) and can make positive change in my life when I see the need for it. (+1) I reminded myself that I'm a nurse and I save lives for cryin out loud! (+1)  I was reminded that I've had coworkers tell me that they want to orient with me when they become nurses (+1).  I've had new nurses tell me that I don't make them feel stupid when they ask a question. (+1)

The character points were building and I was getting closer to a level up.

I can pick out douchebags. (+1) Which is probably a big reason why I'm not dating a whole lot right now.  I'm being selective.  I'm not going out with the douchebags.  The selection is thin and this doesn't reflect on me, it reflects on the dating pool.  (+1) Just because creepers send me messages all the time, does not mean I'm worth less. (+1)  This is part of having a high emotional IQ. (+1) People come to me for advice and leave feeling better. (+1)

LEVEL UP!

I had turned the corner.   I was remembering how awesome I am.  I am awesome.  I'm not perfect, but there's no reason why I should hate myself for getting a little insecure.

These emotions are brand new with no social context.  I'm sharing my husband and my boyfriend.  How do you handle that?  I have no real examples to follow.  I haven't spent a lifetime watching sitcoms about resolving jealousy and insecurity in relationships.  On the contrary, sitcoms, romantic comedies and internet memes reinforce jealousy as proof of love and commitment.  They teach you to embrace it, not to battle it and beat it down to the depths where other irrational emotions belong.  I can't expect myself to perform perfectly when faced with things that make me feel icky.  This is a learning experience.  That's why I'm writing this blog, to chronicle my mistakes, document my feelings, work through them with the written word and finally to have a record of my personal journey into making polyamory work.

I went to work on a definite upswing.  I had a good night at work, where I felt like what I did mattered.  My patients were all super nice and appreciative.  I made it through my shift on the fumes of coca-cola and chocolate ice cream.  When my head hit the pillow that morning, it was my 31st hour of no sleep.  I slept great.

That afternoon, I received a text from NMB informing me that he had shared his google calendar with me.  This is kind of a Big Deal in poly relationships from what I understand, at least in jest.  I recognized this as a gesture. (You can correct me if I'm wrong.)  I reciprocated and looking at each others' days we were able to pick a date for going to the drive-in finally!   Once it was decided, we both plugged it into our calendars and they showed up at about the same time.  It was nerdy and awesome.  "Go go relationship!" he said.

This gesture put things into perspective for me.  NMB made the move to share google calendars, my husband made me pizza when I was feeling down and hardly eating anything, my friends sent me encouraging texts...  How dare I throw a pity party for myself?  My life is rich with fun, interesting, intelligent and caring people that I value and that value me!  How dare I take that for granted?  I'm very obviously dating someone who cares enough to reach out with a gesture of intimacy when he didn't even know the full extent of my craptastic pile of poo day.  I have a husband and a boyfriend and oh, by the way, they both cook for me.  I say to myself, "Shut the fuck up, you fool!  Look at what you have in your life!  Look at it!  The fact that they are bumping uglies with other pretty girls is of no consequence and is no reflection on you.  The fact that you are getting piles of messages from douches on okc and a minimal reply rate doesn't mean you are broken!  It means okc is full of douches!  Appreciate what you have, work through the crappy feelings when they happen and shut the fuck up and be happy for yourself!  You are graced with intimate relationships all around you from people who choose to be your friends and lovers.  You have the freedom to turn friends into lovers and let each relationship be what it will.  Shut this pity party down right now.  No last call.  It's over.  Go on!"