I have a problem with some of these "romantic" relationship memes floating around on Facebook and Pinterest. They popularize and reinforce the cultural myths about relationships that cause them to fail. These are made by the same people who pick "Passion" over "Dedication" on that OkC question that asks "Which makes for a better relationship?" Passion can just as easily end things as it begins them. Dedication is what makes a relationship work for the long haul. The majority of okc users pick "Passion" and I don't get it. Here's an example of what passion can lead to and that's just crazy. I prefer my relationships to be stable with lots of affection and fun things thrown in.
Below you will find these memes along with my sarcastic commentary.
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| Oh, look! A sunset! Aw! |
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| All your love are belong to us! |
What does this mean exactly? Romantic love? What if they love their best friend? When you have kids and she loves your kids are you going to be jealous of that love? Even in monogamous relationships your partner will love someone else. Having to be in the center of their universe and be the only one they love is seriously insane, like controlling and abusive insane. I just checked out http://supremeowl.com/ and found this little gem on homepage. Point made.
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| I only read your e-mail and make you give up all your opposite sex friends and isolate you from your friends and family because I LOVE you, baby! I wouldn't do that to anyone else because I only love YOU. |
It's people with these sorts of opinions, like those behind Supreme Owl that are destroying traditional marriage.
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| No one can make you happy but me! |
Dude, I don't agree. Again, we have the false belief of "I must be the only thing in your universe to make you happy ever!" How far does this go? If a cute waiter brings her a refill with a wink and she smiles, is it all over? How does he prevent this? By no longer allowing his woman to look at cute waiters? Is it only threatening if the guy is young and hot? What if she smiles at an old man while she listens to him tell stories? That's okay, right? I'm so confused.
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| If these hoes would just back off, he would love me forever. |
Again, the external forces trying to break you up. "Everything would be perfect if I was the prettiest girl in the world!"
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| They should have no friends but each other... wait... |
Here's another one from that same myth. I could forgive some of this if it was being posted by teenagers, but these are 30-somethings and up posting this stuff on Facebook. Sigh.
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| Hahaha... |
This one could be interpreted as anti-poly, but I'm certain that's not it's intended purpose. It must be about an overbearing mother-in-law. Right? No? Sigh. This one is about those hoes trying to break you up too, isn't it?
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| Minimum requirements. |
Except for the jealousy=love myth portrayed in this one... these are pretty darn minimal requirements for a real boyfriend. He has to call you once in a while, be consistent with texts, want to spend time with you, is emotional and protective... Pretty basic stuff here people. If you are dating someone who doesn't want to spend time with you, you're doing it wrong.
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| He's hot, so he must know what he's talking about. |
I understand there is some debate about whether or not Johnny Depp even said this, ever, but the Internet loves it. I've seen this everywhere. Poly philosophy aside, I have so many issues with this. Again, external forces do not reflect upon the love in your relationship. Falling for someone else isn't proof that your first love is a sham. It's proof that you you love two people. This is a common enough occurrence in our society that we have two really popular books/movies with it as a theme and that's just right now in our pop culture. (See: The Hunger Games and Twilight) It happens. One love does not diminish the other, whether you choose to explore it or not. If you believe this, you will spend your life practicing serial monogamy in a turbulent series of relationships, giving up one for the next searching for this elusive "perfect true love" that doesn't exist.
And we're worried about gay marriage messing things up? Honey, Facebook and Pinterest are way bigger threats to marriage than rainbow-colored ceremonies ever will be.
Among the greatest ideas that poly has helped my wife and I to realize is that we can now breathe - in that we realize we don't have to try to be everything to the other person that no one person can or be expected to fill every role perfectly. My wife has a very loving boyfriend who I get along with very well and he is very opposite the way I am. The same is true for my girlfriend and I - she is very opposite my wife and very much like me. It's nice to have everyone involved that we can interact with differently because each person fills a different need.
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking the time to "quote" examples of the memes you are trying to detoxify. Well done.
ReplyDeleteRelationships of any kind are sometimes hard tho, and trying to be happy in a monogamous relationship can be a special challenge in our species. I try to be compassionate to the folks those memes are primed to infect - even when debunking them. But I understand your frustration!
I'm on board with most of this. I faced most of these attitudes, with varying degrees of intensity and self-awareness, from every partner I've ever had. It's a damn shame.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, this is WAY off topic but incredibly distracting- does the Johnny Depp photo look to anyone else like they've photoshopped out half his chest, or is he really that skinny? Is that even possible? Gah! I'm trying to look away, but I can't see anything else. HALF-EATEN-BY-A-WALRUS JOHNNY DEPP WANTS TO GIVE ME RELATIONSHIP ADVICE. OH THE HUMANITY.
ReplyDeleteI saw that too! Something is seriously wrong with his chest. Why do they feel the need to make him skinny anyway.
DeleteWhile I fundamentally agree with the anti-anti-poly arguments, I also disagree with some of the points made in this post.
ReplyDelete‘This is Passion-driven relationship strategy. It is built on the false belief that love should be easy and if it ever gets hard then they are wrong for you and you should DTMFA and move on. This is not how relationships work, people. If you want to be together, you might have to work at it. You won't just drift back together if it's meant to be.’
You might very well end a relationship at some point and indeed ‘drift back together’ (not if it’s meant to be, but if it simply happens). Or you drift together with someone else. What’s the problem with that? While this post seems to be pro-poly, it also partly reinforces the idea of ‘one true love’. There are many true loves. Yes, you shouldn’t waste them, but it’s possible that relationships really stop working at some point. Why force it?
‘Except for the jealousy=love myth portrayed in this one... these are pretty darn minimal requirements for a real boyfriend. He has to call you once in a while, be consistent with texts, want to spend time with you, is emotional and protective... Pretty basic stuff here people.’
People can have different kinds of relationships. One relationship might work with very little texting while another might involve a lot of texting. One relationship might involve one person being protective of the other, another might not. So what? This again reinforces the idea of a totalising ‘romantic’ relationship in which two people fulfill each other’s every desire. That’s rarely (if ever) possible, which is why people get themselves children, lovers, partners, sex dates, cats, fish, a TV, …
Ah geeze, it's mostly meant to be a humorous post, but let me explain myself. I'm not saying that you should put every effort into every relationship, but if you are with someone for the long term there will be ups and downs. I've been with my husband for 7 years and we wouldn't be together if we didn't work at it. He stuck with me when I had no life and no sex drive through nursing school. This is the sort of dedication that I'm talking about with long term relationships. I'm not dictating that people should stay together no matter what, I'm arguing against the idea that fate draws people together and apart. If someone moves across the country, that relationship might end. It doesn't mean that it couldn't have worked if you'd stayed geographically close. It also doesn't mean you'll magically drift back together if you are good together. There's no problem with that other than people use this mentality to end relationships when it gets rough.
ReplyDeleteAnd for your second argument, I was working off the source material. I didn't say that daily texting was a requirement for me- it's not. I'm saying that those are pretty low requirements for a serious long term primary-type relationship.
That "minimum requirements" one is actually kinda disturbing. Insisting that a "real" boyfriend must be jealous and overprotective...well, that reeks of a toxic relationship. If you don't feel loved unless someone is being controlling with you, it might be time to closely examine some of your own emotions and conceptions.
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