Too Strong! You Are Coming on Too Strong!!

One of my favorite things about dating is that I get to take part in the social experiment that is online dating.  I think it's fascinating.  I'm going to continue to write about the terrible messages I receive.  This one deserves a post all of its own.  Now, before you read all of this, please note that my husband received a message just as long.  I may do another post on his, but I haven't read it yet.  I'll interrupt your reading with my comments.  Please, note the sarcasm.

Hi! I was just about to log off OKC for the night when I stumbled across your profile and realized I couldn't sleep if I didn't write to you first, it just wouldn't be right.

Where have you been all my life?

Seriously.

Wow.  Really?  That's your line?  I've been living my life, thank you very much.  I've been doing quite well without you and I will continue to do so.  I don't know you and it worries me that I'm already keeping you awake at night.

As it regards your new found self, I have just one quick thing to add:

Congratulations, and welcome to the world of the living! Where LOVE matters more than everything else! Even to the people who don't know it yet.

Ouch.  I didn't know I was dead up until now.  I thought I had a happy life, a fulfilling marriage and a job that makes me feel like I give something back, but I suppose that I was wrong about all of that and that it takes non-monogamy to make me alive.  Ugh, this reminds me of people who act like you don't really understand a thing about the world until you've pushed a screeching infant from your vag.

It's possible that I am too sleepy to be writing right now. Still, I *had* to say "Hello". Hello!!

Oh good.  I'm glad we clarified that we are talking now.  From the looks of it, we have a long way to go before you say goodbye.

I have so many questions I'd like to ask you, I'm not sure where to begin. I suppose one question might be that your profile says you are trying to have children, but also open to dating outside your marriage right now. My primary partner Kate and I are in a similar boat, and I am grappling with some intense trepidation over the thought of her getting pregnant by someone who isn't me. I'm coping, but I wonder if you and your husband have some insight on that issue. What are your thoughts?

This is the only thing I thought about replying to in all seriousness.  My answer is this: condoms.  Duh.  In the event of condom failure, E.C.  For my husband and I, however, we discussed the risks and if I get pregnant and someone else is the father, we will raise the baby like our own and it makes no difference.  

Also, unicorns DO exist, we were blessed with one for a while. It's pretty cool.

 Oh, good for you.

On the upside, I'm not a guy who writes you a message that says "lol, u r hot, lol, wanna hookup? lol" I hate getting those messages myself. It only gets worse if I look at the writer's profile and conclude they couldn't spell Ph.D. if I spotted them the first two letter.

Nope, your a guy who writes me a really long creepy message welcoming me into his life who also bothers to point out that he didn't write me a stupid message full of netspeak and idiocy.  I think I could judge that on my own, thank you, but I'm glad you pointed that out just in case. 

On the down side, I'm so mesmerized by your writing all I can think is, "hey, let's spend time together intelligently discussing the awakening you are experiencing and the rabbit hole you are planning to explore." When I know I should be asking much more about YOU. I'm sorry. It's late and I'm very tired.

Only one downside?  Okay, so he wants to talk to me.

On the bright side, my girlfriends are going to love you! None of them are here to rescue me from my bad writing right now, though, so I think I better just stop myself.

Wow,  I'm glad to know I'll be welcomed into your poly family with open arms by your multitude of girlfriends.  My fear of rejection by them may have held me back up until now.

I look so forward to hearing back from you and learning more about you! What more would you like to know about me?

Sincerely

That Guy (name changed to protect the creeper, he earned himself this nickname here)

Well, sir, here's what I would like to know about you....  Exactly how long have you been without sleep?  What psychiatric medications are you currently taking?  Has anyone ever told you that you come on too strong?  A nice long message is good, but this shit is intimidating!  Did you notice that my husband is straight when you sent him the long ass message?  Were you hinting that you have a Ph.D when you talked about other people's inability to spell it? 

I guess I'm kind of a cunt for taking this guy's sleep deprived, well intentioned message to my blog and sarcastically picking it apart.  I'm sorry.  I'd already done it in my head.  So, I may as well share it with the world.