I was doing fine until I saw that. It took me a while, but I was even able to fall asleep despite being pissed. I need to talk about it, but I can't right now. I wanted to wait until he got home and had a good time. I didn't want to put a damper on his good time. Forgetting his ring made me doubt him. When I texted him, I couldn't look at my phone for several minutes after because I was truly expecting him to not text me back right away. It was all due to the ring.
But he had to come home and wake me up and ask my permission for something. He came home to ask my permission for something that I didn't give a fuck about. Now I will blog in the present tense for a while.
"I don't give a fuck about that. I do give a fuck about this." I hold up my left hand where I had placed his ring on my thumb. His ring fits perfectly on my left thumb, but not my right. The morbid part of my brain took note of this some time ago. In case I become a widow, I would wear it like that. He's leaning close because he just kissed me and I'm holding my thumb up between our faces.
"What?" He stares at me. I gently shake my thumb. He stares. I shake my thumb. He stares.
"Your fucking ring." He hangs his head forward and I start mumbling a string of thoughts, "...this really upsets me... I didn't want to bring it up until you got home because I really want you to have a good time... but this really really upsets me." He apologizes and I know he's truly sorry, but suddenly the undercurrent of emotions wells up from beneath the surface and I feel it under my breastbone. I beat it back for now because it's not fair of me to interrupt his date. She's in the car, I assume. I continue my string of thoughts, "I know it's just a fucking inanimate object and it doesn't prove your love for me and I know you really truly forgot it and it's fucking stupid for me to feel like this."
"No," he said. He places his hand firmly on my breastbone like he knows that's where the hurt is. He assures me that I am right to feel like this. He wants to cry. He promises we'll talk about it later. He loves me. My eyes are closed throughout most of this. I have only been sleeping for about 2 hours. I tell him this. He apologizes for it.
He uses the bathroom. Tells me again how much he loves me and starts to leave.
"Do you think you might kiss me again before you go?" I say and I know I sound like a whiny bitch.
"Of course." He says and he does. He promises that we'll talk later.
All of this would have been easier if he was climbing into bed with me instead of going back out with her. As soon as he leaves, the tears collect behind my closed eyelids and threaten to pour out. Instead, I climbed out of bed and blogged.
As sensitive as he is, he can sure do some really fucking stupid things. But honestly, I'm not sure if forgetting the ring truly made it harder or if it gave me something to focus on. It does make me feel a little betrayed. And having him come home for a moment like that, wake me up and then leave again is really going to make it fucking hard to go to work tonight. I don't see myself getting back to sleep. I hurt to fucking much right now. I could have slept through it, but now I'm awake and processing emotions that fucking suck and are necessary, but I need him here to work through them. Dammit! Boys are stupid!
I spend the next ten minutes texting him these feelings. It doesn't help and I probably just make myself look crazy. And I'm probably scaring his date, who isn't even looking at this like a date. Why did he have to make this so much fucking harder than it already was? We don't get a chance to talk until tomorrow morning now and I get to go to work emotionally distraught and with no sleep.
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