THAT didn't go as well as I had hoped.

My skills are rusty or perhaps they were nonexistent to begin with.  I just attempted a Facebook chat conversation with a hot guy I know IRL.  I've been crushing on him for months, only stepping back to allow my good friend to pursue him.  When she announced today that she was moving on, I received official permission to put him back on my radar.  It was promising tonight as he was on Facebook chat, which is a rarity.  I opened a conversation and rolled out my open-relationship-poly status.  It's a first step, if they don't know the open-status then I'm seen as married and off limits and therefore flirting is for naught and wasted energy.  I have to come out if I have any hope of getting someone interested. 

Here's how that went.  I revealed.  He signed off Facebook.  I think I struck out.  I've got crickets and cicadas over here.  I didn't even make it out like "I'm in an open relationship and I want to see your O face" (Which is totally the nickname I gave him early on, O, for O Face, 'cause I wanna see it.) I told him about my boyfriend, which is totally not something you tell someone you want to get up on, at least not right away.

It's been 40 minutes and he's completely vapor trailed.  Gone.  Dissipated into the Facebook ether from whence he came.  Clearly, I need to work on my skills.  I ain't got no game.

Oh well, I have a husband and a boyfriend and a Hitatchi Magic Wand.  I live a very satisfactory life over here.  One hot guy who can't handle the truth isn't enough to get me down.   Now, if I could just get those crickets to shut up.

...Post Script
There still lies some small shred of hope over here.  There were several times in the conversation that FB showed him typing where he ultimately said nothing.  As though he was starting to say something and rethinking it, before I rolled out the secret.  It's possible that he's intimidated by me and rolling out the secret was just too much and he signed off because he had no idea how to respond.  This is what the positive not-paranoid part of my brain says.  Not likely, but if I want to keep the hope that the kiss that I dreamed about might happen in real life, it's what I got.  In the meantime, can anyone recommend a book on picking up guys?  My track record over here is starting to suck.

I misjudged the situation entirely, at least from what he says.  Hours after I went to bed, O finally responded to my message.  He stated that he was cool with the open stuff and he did not intentionally sign off Facebook.  He also reiterated that he isn't able to date right now because of schedules.  This may have been directed at me.  It also may have been directed at a previous comment about my friend trying to date him.  (Most likely, my friend.  He knows she was interested.  All he knows is that I'm available.)  This is good news.  I'm a good person to date for people with busy schedules and he revealed that he is unattached.  He also said he's totally willing to hang out.  Now, to practice those skills I don't have...

My anonymous blog is not so anonymous anymore

Two days ago, I did a little shameless self promotion on r/polyamory.  Why not?  I had a post that I thought was fun/funny and would appeal to a large number of Internet users/poly people so I went for it and posted up a link.  After a few upvotes, I was given a sudden burst of traffic to the site.  The most exciting thing about this is that people clicked around and read other posts, not most people, but some people liked my writing enough to click around and see more of it.  Other people took the time to comment on several posts.  This is pretty cool, but also terrifying.  The anonymity of my online journal is broken at least to an extent.

It started when NMB finally found the right set of words to Google.  He shared it with his wife.  Then my Reddit self-promotion lead to this happening:

Yep.  I ran into one of my boyfriend's other____ (dates? lovers? Gawd, lovers sounds so cheesy.  I don't know the right word... but you get the picture.) on Reddit.  This lead to a PM where we confirmed each other's identity and that I am, indeed on her polycule diagram on Fetlife as I suspected.  This lead to me texting NMB to tell him who I met and where, which lead to both him and his wife popping onto the thread to say hello.

I'm so amused by this, but again, a little afraid.  A comment left today lets me know that at least one other person mentioned in my writing has read my blog.  Big City's poly community is small enough that I was personally recognized by a stranger from a post on r/polyamory.  It's impossible for my writing to not be affected by this somehow.  I have already held back on writing about certain subjects/people when I knew that they were reading.  I'll be a bit more sensitive to this fact, for sure, but it's important to me that I continue to write in a way that is honest and true about my experiences.  Therefore, you won't see me sugar coating and pretending the icky feelings aren't there.  If there is one thing about poly that has met my expectations is that it's a lot of work.  I don't want to misrepresent this.  Like my friend that divorced us said, "Feelings will get hurt." I never denied the truth to that, but I knew the risk/benefit made it worth it.  I also knew that Hubby and I were up to the challenge and that we could get through it.  That's what is important for me to document here.  If anyone is going to read this, I want them to know that this is not easy, but that these problems are solvable.  Every relationship has it's problems and challenges.  Sometimes a couple makes a choice to do something hard for the chance of a better life, like moving or taking a job in a different city or having children.  They accept the challenge so that the rewards will be felt by both of them in the future.  Deciding to become poly is the same sort of mentality.  We went at it together, knowing that the work would pay off in the end with a new, more free relationship model.

WHOA, sorry TANGENT!

The point is, what is the point?  Oh yes, the point is that despite my total anonymity being broken about and scattered to all the corners of the universe, I want to do my best to continue to write as though no one is reading.  I don't want to hide the icky stuff for the sake of people I know are reading it or might be reading it.  This means I have to suck it up and accept that I'm baring my chest a little bit, even for the things/behaviors/thoughts/emotions that I'm not proud of.  Now, throw me some beads. ('Cause I'm baring my chest, get it?  Get it?  You know, I've never done that...  but I just thought about it and I don't feel like I'm missing much.)

Actually, the main point here is that if you find yourself the subject of one of these, don't get mad, learn from your mistakes and know that I'm remaining true to myself.  You put yourself out there and so did I.  Ha. (But seriously, learn from your mistakes, ok?) 

The riskiest coming out yet, but I did it for her sake.

I came out to a coworker the other night even though I was hesitant to do so.  She is a monogamous, married, good Christian girl who may be just a little bit repressed.  I chose to do this for her sake, not for mine.  I took the risk of rejection and weirdness.  Thankfully, I already have a large network of kind and accepting people who know who will be on the lookout for me for any backlash that might occur from this in the workplace.  I don't expect it, but I'm prepared to own it.

The reason I felt it was important that this coworker know about poly is that she has been the center of gossip at work for the last year or so regarding a male coworker.  This male coworker has since transferred to another unit, but everyone has suspicions that they are still hanging out together.  The chemistry between them was obvious to anyone who watched them interact.  Personally, I have a huge problem with they guy, but she seems to connect with him.  The risk of having an affair is high, if it's not already going on.  I wanted her to know that she had an option that wasn't cheating.  I wanted her to see an example of somebody she knows succeeding in the early stages of an open relationship.  She asked me a lot of questions.  I answered them honestly.

Her statements varied from interested consideration to distancing.  "I've always had a fear that I'd only ever sleep with one guy..."  and "I guess if it works for you guys and no one is getting hurt..."  Whatever she decides is of no consequence to me.  Poly is a lot of work.  Cheating is easier.  I couldn't do it, but I guess I understand why someone would.  I just felt it was important to share what I've learned over the last few months so that she would know that there is another option.  She could have what she wanted and still be with and not hurt her husband.  I thought that sharing my experience would be the best way for her to learn about it.  Just like fighting homophobia by making sure that everyone has a gay friend/coworker/family member/some one they know and respect.  Knowing someone who is poly makes it all the more real and easy to understand.  One of the turning points for me was meeting a large local group of poly people and realizing that they were down to Earth, intelligent, educated and not crazy.  I hoped that maybe I could do the same on a smaller scale.

I hope she goes the route of honesty, but I also hope she gets the life experience she's looking for.  We only get one shot at this whole life thing, unless you believe in reincarnation, but I'm not living mine like I get a second chance.