A Pang of Jealousy, Quickly Reasoned Away

For obvious reasons, I haven't written in a while.  There's not a whole lot to write about.  I'm in two stable long term relationships.  I work at least full time, often picking up extra shifts, and I have a child who is now nearly 9 months old. Things aren't all that exciting.  My husband isn't dating out of choice.  I'm not dating (as in anyone new) out of respect for his wishes and a lack of time.  My husband is a stay at home dad.

My dates with David (the clues are here, I'm tired of the code names) are simple.  I drive out to see him.  We eat.  Sometimes with his wife and sometimes not.  We hang out until his child goes to sleep.  We have sex.  It's easy.  It's comfortable.  It's fun.  Sometimes I miss going out, but due to the limitations of geography, it's difficult for us to go out and have sex.  I prefer to include sex in our dates.  I recently noticed potential plans to go out with someone else on his calendar and felt a small pang of the green eyed monster.  I thought, "Hey!  I'd like to do that! Why not me?"  Then all the obvious reasons struck me along with all of the great things I have in this relationship.

As time has gone on, I can only continue to marvel at the fortune I stumbled upon when I clicked on his profile and he decided to write me.  I'm not trying to inflate his ego when I write that, the two of us together make for a really great secondary relationship.  It might sound boring...  eating, watching stuff, fucking and cuddling...  but it's not.  It is comforting and fun.  So what that I don't get to go out with him right now.  I have a sub-one-year-old child, I don't get to go out, period.  I will again in the future.  What we have is so much more awesome than going out.

While I will occasionally think back on things we did in the past, I know that those things will come around again and in the meantime, I get some things I value more than spending money and drinking in public.  I stand by my statement that I prefer to fuck and cuddle than go out.  I can go out with my girl friends.  I can go out with my coworkers.  I can't get the Fuck and Cuddle treatment anywhere else, not with the Satisfaction Guarantee I have with David.  I get all of that with no conflict...  Sheesh.  The next time my brain tries to make me feel bad about any of this, I'm poking it hard with a sharp stick.  "Behave in there brain!  What's wrong with you!"

Poly: Year One Analysis Part Two

I've already posted a retrospective of our first year experience.  Here I will discuss what I learned from what we did right.

We Approached It With Enthusiasm for Ourselves and Each Other
Truly, we had the best intentions for each other from the beginning.  I didn't want him held back from life experiences because of me.  We both wanted freedom and each other.  We both wanted to make sure the other one was comfortable with things before moving forward.  We were excited, maybe a little too excited, by the new possibilities that lay before us.  We had fun discussing things before we ventured forth.  The sex we had was always great, but the new level of openness between us allowed a new excitement and new experiences between each other.

Telling Our Friends and Some Family Created a Support Network
We weren't alone.  Having our closest friends and select family members in on the secret meant we could go to them when we needed to air things.  I love sharing stories.  If I had to keep all the NRE to myself at the beginning of things between me and NMB, I would have exploded!  At least sharing it with my friends kept my poor husband from bearing the full load of things.  When things went sour, people who knew about the open relationship also knew that we had gotten good experiences out of it. I could discuss the problems we were having without having to disclose the open relationship and having people immediately blame everything on poly.  "No, wait!  It's really what we both want, it's just gotten away from us!"

We Started With Rules, But We Renegotiated Many of Them Quickly and Easily
We started out discussing things like "No sex with others in our bed" and "No anal sex with others".  When these things became impractical, we renegotiated quickly and easily.  We kept communication open instead of holding fast to our rules.  Rules are a sensitive subject and one of those things experienced poly folk often criticize new poly folk for, but this is one area where we handled things the right way, I think.  Rules can be a tool to create comfort and build trust in the lifestyle.  Poly Man Whore had a post a while back stating that rules were proof that you didn't trust your partner.  Maybe so, but it also takes time to build trust in the poly lifestyle and learn the skills to make it work.  Rules can help protect you while you get there if you don't cling to them too desperately.

Initially, Our Communication Improved
As I previously touched on, we were all about sharing in the beginning.  We talked about a lot of what-ifs.  We shared sexual fantasies that we hadn't been completely open about.  We had always been fairly open about who we found attractive, but now we could be really honest without fear of hurting each other's feelings.  I could say to my husband, "I'd like to fuck that guy."  I'm ashamed to admit that I used to have some jealousy issues with him looking at porn.  Not that I had ever told him he couldn't, but it was something I didn't like to think about due to insecurity on my part.  This was quickly resolved when we started exploring being open.  A year later, we watch porn together and I'm mostly unfazed when he sleeps with someone new.  I found my compersion and I want him to have good experiences.

Meeting the Local Poly Group
This was one of the first things I did before we actually opened.  I looked up locals in nearby Big City and I went to a small social event at someone's house.  Meeting some people in the real world that make this happen gave me the confidence to move forward and give it all a try.  Without having had that experience, I would have been much slower to make moves.  After getting a good sample size of poly people who were nerdy, intelligent, interesting, well-educated, grounded and stable, I started to feel like it was possible to make it work in a way that I could live with.  (Side note: I'm glad I found the one poly group that I did first.  I went to one meeting of another group and the best way I can describe it is that it felt "cultish".  I may have walked away with a different opinion.  That group and it's vibe might work for other people, but it did not work for me.)

The Internet Was a Fantastic Resource
I read a lot.  When I was having a particularly difficult time with jealousy in the beginning, I did some Google searching and found More Than Two.  I can't recommend it enough as a free and comprehensive resource.  It's full of helpful tools.  The Internet lead me to the aforementioned local poly group.  The Internet gave us OkCupid and my boyfriend.  I continue to listen to the Savage Lovecast and learn more about other people's monogomish lifestyles.  I posted on r/polyamory when things got bad and reached out for the support of experienced poly people who like to write about it.  I used it to find the local poly group.  The books we read, The Ethical Slut and Opening Up were great, but the Internet gave us a searchable limitless database of other's experiences and lessons-learned.  Many people have noted that widespread access to the Internet has likely contributed to the growth of polyamory.  If I had not been exposed to the idea, I never would have come to it on my own.

An Unexpected Third

It may have been somewhat absurdly timed, as things often are in my world, but the husband and I had an experience last night.  Well, two experiences, really.  I suppose it would be best for me to write about them separately, even though they were really one.  We had sex with a third party.  I had sex with a female-bodied person.  This happened while I am 38 weeks pregnant!  What the hell, Life?  You are one tricky MF.  Way to keep me on my toes!  Perhaps the hormones of impending motherhood are making me extra mushy, but this was a profound experience for me in several ways and I don't know that I have completely processed it yet.  I'm not going to write out a play by play.  Trust me, it was hot, but I want to write about the feels. 

First, there is the experience we had as a couple.  I've blogged before about the challenges we've encountered with opening our marriage and the added stress of the pregnancy.  Last night felt like the bookend to the beginning stages.  I feel like we've achieved a comfort level together that was difficult to imagine not that long ago.  The experience closed the first chapter on our poly life.  We have graduated.     I faced one of my fears in watching him with someone else.  Coming from someone who once demanded a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy with my husband's porn viewing, this is a Big Deal.  (This is not something I'm proud of, but it's true, blaming my Catholic upbringing goes a long way for crap like this.)  It's a good example of how much I've managed to grow as a person in the last year.  My confidence and security has increased exponentially.  I watched him flirt and wrestle and eventually kiss another person and I never felt the slightest twinge of jealousy or anything icky.  I was turned on!  Compersion, I has it.  My emotional homework was done and I was prepared for the test.  I didn't have to think.  The answers were there.  I was proud of the way we communicated in the beginning and throughout the experience.  It demonstrated our comfort level and the skills that we've learned.  I can't say that I didn't have any insecurities.  Having a new sex partner at this late stage of pregnancy did arouse some misgivings about my physical state, but I was reassured in a way that made me comfortable again.  The whole thing felt natural and organic and comfortable and just nice...  I did not expect it to be like that.  I expected a certain amount of discomfort for my first experience.  I was prepared to tread very carefully and take things slowly so that I could handle the negative emotions that were bound to come up.  The negativity never happened.  In the possibility of outcomes that I considered, one where everything went perfectly had never seemed a possibility.  I just wanted to fuck up as little as possible.  This is why I feel like we've graduated.  We aren't noobs anymore.  We can get things right the first time and walk away from a new and potentially delicate experience feeling good.  

The second part of this is my first experience with a female bodied person.  I first recognized my attraction to women in high school.  Aside from a few experiences during truth or dare games while drinking underage, I had not had the opportunity to explore this side of my sexuality outside of my head.  I had gone from one monogamous relationship with a man to another and at some point I started assuming that I wasn't bisexual at all.  I wrote it off as teenage hormones being out of control.  Why not?  I was perfectly satisfied with my male partners.  Opening had the side effect of reminding me of my attraction to women and gave me the opportunity to explore this again.  There were a few awkward and uncomfortable dates at the beginning of my OkC exploration, but again life got in the way and I decided not to pursue the experience at this time.  Then there was pregnancy and I put all new dating on hold.  Again, I was looking at an unspecified date sometime far in the future to fulfill my desire for exploration with a female.  I had accepted this.  

Thanks to last night, I can now go into motherhood having experienced and fully embraced my bisexuality.  I did not feel forced.  I didn't feel like I was just performing for my husband.  I was 100% in my body and in the moment.  I wanted it.  I enjoyed it.  I want it again.  Any self doubts I had about misinterpreting my attractions have evaporated.  I can completely claim bisexuality as a part of my identity, just as I can claim poly.  I don't have to wait and wonder about this any longer.    

I can't complete this post without expressing my gratitude to the person who gave us this gift.  I hope that she will spend more time with us in the future.  She is kind and comfortable and sweet.  She is beautiful and warm.  She gave us a special experience and I will be forever grateful.

A Comparison Between Two Fourth Birthday Parties

I've spent this Saturday afternoon and last Saturday afternoon at fourth birthday parties for two different children.  Last week was my boyfriend's daughter.  This week was my niece.  There were worlds of differences between these parties and only one of them was enjoyable for me.

Last week, there were many kids at the party.  They were loud and boisterous and had a great time.  The parents were older, late twenties/thirties, and attentive to their kids.  The kids played together and with the adults.  Some of the adults drank beer and played rock band.  There was good conversation about intelligent topics and a general family-friendly feel.  Each set of parents was responsible for their kid, but everyone kept an eye out in general.  It was laid back and enjoyable.  I wasn't bothered by the experienced mothers talking to me about being pregnant.  It turned out to be a great conversation starter and made me feel comfortable in the group.  Oh, and there were 3 poly couples at this party and 2 additional poly people that were there "solo", only in the sense that they were not accompanied by a primary partner as the couples were.  I'd say that made maybe 1/3-1/2 of the attendees poly.

Today...  ah, well, today was a different story.  I am thankful to have the opportunity to vent about this on my anonymous blog as it is directly insulting to my family.  Oh, where do I start?  First of all, I intentionally show up late as I've learned that it helps to minimize the amount of time I feel awkward and stressed.  I can blend into the crowd right away and hide.  The weather was nice and everyone was in the back yard as I arrived.  I come in through the gate and I am instantly bombarded with small children who want to pet the dog I brought to visit with my niece.  Soon, I a have my first awkward encounter.  My ex-step-father is standing in the doorway to the house, completely filling it and just standing there.  I have to ask him to move so I can put my gift inside.  I no longer speak to this man except at occasions like this.  I say no more than I must to get by socially.  Several years ago, he threatened me vaguely over the phone and I ended all relations with him at that time.  I will not reconnect.  I don't hold a grudge, but I don't need that in my life.  At these events, I walk a fine line of communication that sends a clear signal of what I am willing to give.

The party gradually filters inside and I take stock of the attendees.  The kids are mostly younger than my niece with a much younger set of parents.  Many of them want to talk to me about being pregnant.  I have little interest in this, but I try to be conscious of my age-bias and attempt to be friendly.  One of them says to me, "I just hate how tiny you are!"  I reply, "Thank you?" This mother would prove to be a real piece of work by the end of the party and that was my first taste of her personality.  Actually, let's go ahead and talk about Miss Thing for a moment.  She is approximately 20-21 years old.  She has 3 children, the two oldest are 10 months apart and probably about 2 and 3 years old, both boys.  The youngest was a baby girl, maybe 6 -8 months old who spend most of the time I saw her in the car seat.  The boys were eating candy the entire time.  She kept telling them, "No more candy" while doing nothing to stop them.  She didn't take away the candy they had.  She didn't put the candy out of reach.  Her words were empty and without consequence.  Eventually, she put the baby in the car seat and propped up a bottle for her, never checking back to see how she did with it.  I watched her lose the nipple and quickly maneuver it back into her mouth.  Good kid.  Near me, one of the toddler boys grabbed a bottle of beer and took a big swig.  Across the room, someone notices and hollers out, "Hey, that little boy has a beer!"  Miss Thing takes the beer away and says, "You can't have that!  A sip is okay, but not a whole drink!"

WHAT.  What?  WHAT!  what.

Can someone please explain to me why a 2 year old needs to know what beer tastes like and why you are announcing at a party that you allow your toddlers the occasional alcoholic drink?  He was clearly not put off by the taste so I doubt this was the first time.  This was when I decided that I really didn't like her.  The party was wrapping up now and some people leave.  I've noticed that one of the young moms has had her little girl, who is at crawling age, on her lap or within arms reach the entire time and I decide that I can have a nice conversation with her.  While this is going on, people start lighting up cigarettes in the house.  From now until the time I leave the party, there are at least 2 cigarettes burning in the room with me.  No one asks.  No one politely goes to the basement to smoke or outside where it's not even cold.  Funny thing is, the male smokers did not smoke around me.  It was only women and mothers themselves.  Really?  I send my brother across the room to retrieve my hoodie from the direct line of contamination.  This is when I start planning my escape, but I had waited too long.

Soon, everyone disappears downstairs to partake in a different sort of smoke.  Apparently, a child turning 4 is an occasion suitable for illegal drug use.  (I am not opposed to the use of certain illegal drugs, but I have issues with being left responsible for other people's children while they use.  I also have this crazy idea that maybe it's not a good idea at a child's birthday party.)  I am left upstairs with the one responsible young parent, my teenage brother and everyone's kids.  No one asked me to watch them.  No one asked me if I minded.  I'm 33 weeks pregnant and suddenly responsible for a small day care.  Car Seat Baby was placed in front of the TV and the candy-coated toddler boys were left to wander.  I stopped my niece from giving the baby small choking hazards and from weaving a balloon string through the toys of the baby's car seat.  I got to practice my mom voice on the Candy Twins when they attempted to wander upstairs.  They listened.  I chatted with Responsible Young Mom and did the minimum necessary to keep these children alive.  I really wanted to bathe the Candy Twins.  Their candy coated skin had attracted circles of dirt on their faces and hands.  They were filthy.  Eventually, everyone returns to the main floor and I start making moves towards the door.

At one point, my niece's grandmother  visits my side of the room with a lit cigarette hanging from her mouth.  She's putting my niece's coat on and asks me to zip it so she doesn't have to "bend over and get smoke in the baby's face".  I was too polite to say, "What about my face, bitch?  I can't walk up a flight of stairs without stopping halfway and you are polluting my air." and was content to know that I would be leaving very soon.  I grabbed my stuff, leashed the dog (who I had been watching more closely than Miss Thing had been watching her children) and started saying my goodbyes.  Then I see why my niece was being prepared for going outside.  Miss Thing's Baby Daddy has arrived with a toddler sized Spongebob Squarepants bounce house.  It inflated quickly.  I quickly note that it is not staked down and that there is a fair amount of breeze.  I turn to my mother who is drunk and high.

"You know those things are supposed to be staked down?  I've seen some horrible videos on the Internet of them flying through the air with children inside of them."

"Brazen, You are scaring me!"

"It's pretty breezy out here.  I'm leaving before I have to do CPR on any kids." And with that, I took my leave of the situation and washed my hands of all responsibility for other people's children.

Two birthday parties.  One thrown and attended by practicers of a "radical" lifestyle.  One thrown by my sister and attended by her other young mother friends.  One was a loving and safe environment for children and enjoyed by adults alike.  One was a hot mess that stressed me out for fear of the safety of children and blatant irresponsibility of most of the parents there.  There were exactly 3 adults at that party that had any right to be trusted with a child.  Only one of them was actually a parent and she needs new friends.  Just another reason why I've become a firm believer in building a family of choice.  My family of chance is cray cray.  Now if you'll excuse me, I feel like I need a flipping nap after all of that!  

Poly: Year One Analysis

These are some things I've learned over the last year.  They might not apply to everyone, but they are things that caught us by surprise.  Think of this as a list of where we went wrong and what I learned.

Unrealistic Expectations
When we were monogamous, we fell into this trap of believing that our commitment to each other was the only thing holding us back from relationships with others.  My husband had his crushes.  I had feelings toward male friends that I just knew would be reciprocated if things were different.  I had it in my head that me and my choice to be married was the only thing keeping me from exploring other relationships and my sexuality.  This was a silly fallacy that was quickly disproven.  My husband was shot down by crush after crush.  I was gently let down by my friend.  We had to remember that there are other factors outside of our relationship that we cannot control and that, as obvious as it should have been, there was not an army of potential lovers just waiting for permission to fuck us or love us.  Surely every new open couple goes into this with some level of unrealistic expectations, at least the ones that, like us, have been in a monogamous microcosm with strict guards against the outside world and a stunted emotional maturity when it comes to dating.  We had a lot to learn and one of them was the following bullet point.


Preparation for Outside Influences
Opening your relationship means more than sex and acceptance of emotions for others, it means opening yourself up to rejection.  Your relationship may be damaged by the unpredictable actions of others.  We were unprepared to weather this storm.  For my poly experiences, my emotions were not very negatively affected.  I have had mostly positive experiences.  My husband, however, has experienced a fair amount of rejection and one devastating break up that eventually resolved into a not-dramatic FWB relationship.  Again, being in a monogamous microcosm of two, you forget that other people can have a devastating effect on your confidence.  Just being emotionally available puts you at risk for rejection and you will get rejected in some form or another.  Other people are wildcards and they may turn out to be well adjusted, kind and not-crazy.  They may also turn out to be uncontrollable forces of destruction and ping about your life causing damage you never knew you were vulnerable to. Sometimes you can pick these people out right away and avoid a lot of drama.  If your partner lets them in, you have to weather the storm and be there for the one you love.  You also have to accept that you can't fix everything for your partner when something goes wrong.  This is going to sound really depressing, but your love might not be enough any more.  Or, as my boyfriend approximately said on this subject, it can be hard to accept that you are no longer the emotional center of your partner's life.

Coping with the Initial Excitement
We are warned about the potential consequences of NRE.  We are not necessarily warned about the NPE: New Poly Energy.  We both went a little crazy with our new freedom and excitement over a new lifestyle.  We told a lot of people.  We didn't always tell them the right way.  We told a lot of coworkers and we were lucky that this didn't backfire.

Becoming poly opened up the world for me in a new way, but I moved faster than my skills developed.  I felt like a teenager again and, at times, acted like one.  I made selfish moves.  I got swept up in the excitement of a new venture.  I was overconfident in some ways, and especially vulnerable in others.  I was emotionally immature and I've learned a lot about myself, other people, relationships (new and old) and dating.

Outside Sharing
This is an issue specific to our relationship.  I'm an open book.  I'm probably too open at times, as evidenced by this blog.  I'm certain that behind my back, I have been described as an over-sharer.  My husband keeps his cards close to his chest.  Busting open our Monogamous Microcosm (I'm coining that.  It's a phrase now.  I capitalized it, see?) made us feel vulnerable to outside criticism in a way that we hadn't dealt with before.  We both felt a certain amount of pressure to be a part of a fringe community that is critical of newcomers.  Yes, you are, Poly Community.  There's a lot of criticism of new poly people and how we handle things out there in the blog-o-sphere and the literature.  There's a lot of "you're doing it wrong" and we didn't want to be labeled as volatile new people and risky dates.  This is still a thing we're working on.  In fact, as I typed this paragraph, he walked in the door, noticed I was blogging and commented that he prefers to pretend this blog doesn't exist.

On the Subject of the Poly Community...
Additional note about the "your doing it wrong" vibe often directed at new poly people:  If you are a new poly person reading this, screw that.  Do what is right for your relationship.  I made some definite mistakes because I felt like I had to strive for this ideal put forth in poly circles.  That's crazy.  As my favorite nursing instructor used to say, "There are many roads to China."  Find one that works for you, don't feel pressured to follow the one that everyone says is right.  If something is making your partner uncomfortable, pull back and focus on that until they are comfortable again.  If you need a hierarchy to organize your relationships and make them function, then use a hierarchy.  If you need rules to feel safe, then use rules, just don't use rules to shut down communication.  If your partner tells you they need something and the new-poly-pressure tells you they shouldn't need that...  what the hell are you doing?  Give your partner what they need.  Don't get sucked into this idea that people are poly or they aren't.  Do what needs to be done to make it work for you.  I was skeptical of new-poly criticisms in the beginning and I still allowed for their influence to sneak into my psyche and I made mistakes that hurt my partner.  Don't get caught up in the idealism.  Find what works for you.  And it's okay to admit that things aren't perfect.  Guess what?  All relationships have problems.  Poly or not.  This is okay.

All this said, the individuals that I've met in my local poly community do not inflict this kind of pressured idealism.  This is more of a general feel on the Internet that we both became sensitive to.  In fact, the people I've spent time with in the local community have been nothing but warm and welcoming and supportive.  However, that's something I think we can all do a little better with.

Handling Jealousy: Your Mileage May Vary
Jealousy and insecurity are big ugly monsters when you are new to this lifestyle.  They are usually easily banished from the Monogamous Microcosm by following a few simple rules.  When you open your defenses and let them in, you have to cope.  We assumed that I would be the one to have a more difficult time with jealousy as I was the one of the two of us that had jealous upsets in the realm of monogamy.  My husband never felt jealous, but perhaps this is because he was never challenged to feel jealous.  Both of us were completely emotionally unprepared for how destructive this would be for us.  Poly literature acknowledges this difficulty, and gives you tools to deal with it, but nothing can really prepare you to be open to a new and terrifying emotion you probably haven't felt for years, if you've ever felt it at all.  From my first nuclear meltdown, I realized I could not predict how I would react.  Not only was I dealing with jealousy when my husband was sleeping with others, I had so quickly gotten involved in another relationship, I was also dealing with jealousy and insecurity in the new relationship.  This was new territory and it took time to navigate.  For the most part, my experiences with jealousy have become less intense over time.  I still have a weird little hang up about new sexual partners of my partners that I haven't completely unpacked, but as my security has grown and I've experienced this over and over, my negative responses have become easier to cope with.

Another important lesson that I've mentioned in a previous post is that jealousy cannot be banished with compersion.  You can feel compersion and jealousy at the the same time.  Compersion does become stronger as jealousy fades, but the two emotions can coexist.  You can feel happy for your partner and still hurt and feel insecure.  Don't expect to handle jealousy by making yourself feel more compersive.  It didn't work for me.

Know Your Resources
Know your resources.  Things are likely to get tough at times, as they will be in any relationship.  Don't wait for them to get bad.  Seek out your resources for emotional help.  Know your friends that will be accepting.  Know how you can obtain counseling and don't be afraid to use it.  We could have saved ourselves a lot of fighting and broken household objects if we had sought out counseling sooner.  We happen to have a limited number of free sessions available through our employers.  So far, counseling has cost us nothing monetarily.  If you have a similar program available to you, be aware of it and don't be afraid to use it.  If your family is a source of strength in your life, use them when you need to.  As I mentioned in my previous post, my dad's myriad of bad relationships lead to him giving me solid advice to fix mine.

Be Honest About the Flaws in Your Relationship
We started out thinking we were so very awesome.  I mean, we had a great marriage.  We talked things out, we rarely fought and when we did we worked it out.  We enjoy spending time together.  When I think back to our wedding, I get nothing but happy feelings.  When I look at the pictures of our wedding, I see how much we love each other and how excited we were to show that to the world.  We knew we could do this.  We could weather any storm.  We had easily survived things that makes other couples crumble.  We went into it with the right attitude, we wanted the other to have a richer and fuller life and the freedom to explore other people, emotionally and physically.

Instead of patting ourselves on the back for how awesome we were, we should have sat down and seriously analyzed what wasn't perfect about our marriage.  Becoming poly opened up a whole new emotional minefield that blew up some hidden and ugly truths that we were unprepared to deal with.  I didn't exactly realize this until we started seeing the marriage counselor.  We were happy, but we were not the epitome of perfect marriage and conflict resolution that we thought we were.  It turns out that our Monogamous Microcosm was protecting us from a lot of emotional work that we needed to be successfully poly.  Going forward, I will be more aware of this and focus on fixing things inside first.

Primary and Secondary: What the Hierarchical Terms Mean to Me

Titles often weird me out.  I don't know why.  When my Hubby decided to start going by a shortened version of his name, it took me years to use it properly.  I still use the name I knew him by first about fifty percent of the time.  When we got married, I had to say "husband" over and over again before it felt right.  When Not-My-Boyfriend became my boyfriend, it was weird to use that term as well.  That's why I've put a lot of thought into the use of the hierarchical terms of the poly world. 

There is a lot of controversy about this.  I can understand why some poly people are opposed to them.  They prioritize people and that's sort of wrong, but it's also sort of natural.  We do it from the time we are kids, organizing our friends into "friends" and "best friends".  We do it on Facebook now with a range of intimacy.  I can have "close friends" and "acquaintances" and decide what I want to share with each group.  We do it with family.  The fact is that we are forced to prioritize due to the limited resource of time.  Sometimes friends only become close friends because of close geographical proximity, correlating schedules or situations which place you close to that person on a regular basis, such as working together.  Although we may have the same feelings of love for all of our friends and family, we must make choices on who we see more often.  This fluctuates depending on life circumstances.  I see my friends more often when my husband and I work opposite schedules as I am more likely to stay home with him if we have the time off together.  I will make an effort to see a friend more often when they need extra support or I need support from them.  Life circumstance brings friends closer together too.  I expect my friend circle to shift when my baby arrives as I will spend more time with people who are tolerant of children or have children of their own.  

We tend to prioritize the people we care about based on life circumstance and what our needs are and what their needs are at the time.  This is necessary and not morally wrong.  Human brains are programmed to see patterns and organize things and people.  That's why stereotyping comes so easily.  It's innate and it's necessary to have some organization in your life.  A large part of my job is deciding what the priority problem is and how to organize my work and time most effectively to get things done.  I do this in my life as well to maintain relationships.

Having been in two relationships for several months now, I feel I've finally come to a conclusion on how I feel about hierarchical terms.  Saying that you are in a primary relationship doesn't mean you love or care for your secondary partner any less, but it does mean that you organize your life around one person more than another.  This isn't a bad thing.  One needs priorities and organization in life to reach goals and maintain order.  I don't like drama in my life.  As my marriage will expand into a small family soon, I want that family to be my priority.  I want my boyfriend's family to be his priority.

To think that every poly person can and should reach this ideal of total equality across relationships doesn't make sense to me in the structure of our society.  The exception is poly groups.  If you are in a poly group and everyone is functionally an equal, then the terms primary and secondary do not make sense.  However, for people like myself, who started out in long term monogamous relationships, who have or want families, who don't desire to upset the status quo and invite huge upsetting life changes (not always preventable, I know), who live with one partner...  it makes more sense to me to apply the labels "primary" and "secondary" and maybe add "casual".

This is not something I have discussed with my boyfriend, though I'm certain we will after this post, but I feel like this is how we naturally organized our relationship.  I never had any desire to upset his life, family or marriage.  I consider myself a secondary and I'm comfortable with that.  I am respected and loved in his life, but living an hour away from each other and each of us having preexisting life priorities, it just doesn't make any sense to say that our relationship to each other is on equal grounds with that of our marriages.  We've each asked the other to change plans around our spouses and always confirm with our spouses before we settle on definite plans. With the exception of my early insecurities, this relationship has been easy to enjoy and I think the acceptance of each others lives and the ease of falling into these roles has contributed to this.  There are many other factors at play here, but that deserves a blog post of it's own. 

I have finally drawn my own conclusions on how I feel about hierarchical terms in my poly world.  I'm okay with them.  Unless I someday end up in a triad or a quad or some sort of poly group that lives together, I can't see myself being able to practically treat all of my partners exactly the same.  That doesn't mean I love my boyfriend any less, but that love is certainly different than the love I feel for my husband and the love I feel for my friends.  It doesn't mean it's inferior.  It doesn't mean it's less important in my heart.  It does mean that my husband and my impending family are my priority in my day to day life.  This is no different than the way my marriage has always taken precedence over my friends, but I also choose friends that support my marriage, just as I've done with my boyfriend.

Perhaps in a differently structured society or a commune-type situation, the hierarchical terms wouldn't make sense.  Right now, in my life and the society that I live in, they make the most sense and that's okay. 

Pregnant and Poly

Hubby and I are about to have some huge changes in our life.  About 3 weeks ago, my period was late by a few days.  I didn't think much of it as they are irregular and I was bloated and crampy and felt about ready to start.  I was also mildly nauseous, exhausted, had increased genital sensitivity and lubrication, and my breasts were more tender than they usually are.  Still, with 2 years of negative pregnancy tests behind me, I wasn't too eager to see another expensive disappointment stick.  In fact, when I took the test it was a sort of afterthought, I had to stop the stream and count on having enough urine left from my first pee to take the test.  The positive line showed up right away, but I didn't believe it.  I stared for a moment then handed it to Hubby, who was standing right next to me in the bathroom.  (Yes, we pee in front of each other.  We find that it neither adds nor detracts from the "romance" of our marriage.  It does make having one bathroom less inconvenient.)

"Um, this stick says I'm pregnant."  I said.  He looked at it, handed it back to me and walked out of the bathroom without saying anything.

Last Friday, we had our first appointment with the most awesome OG/GYN that there is.  We got to see our baby on the ultrasound.  It looked like a peanut, but the peanut had a heartbeat.  This means that from this point on, the risk of miscarriage is extremely low.  Things are looking good that an actual real life baby is in our future.

I've received two questions from the people that we've announced the pregnancy to that know about our open relationship/poly secret life.

Q. Is it Hubby's?
 A. Yes.  Since we require protection with all other partners and there have been no slip ups or breakages, I can be certain that the baby belongs to my husband.  This was an awkward thing I wished to avoid when becoming open and therefore fluid bonding with another partner was never on the table for me.

Q. So, will you continue to be...?
A. Open? Also, yes.  In fact, it's more important to me now than ever before that we work things out and continue our poly life.  Having families often makes people feel isolated and limits their adult interaction.  I want to minimize that as much as possible.  What better way than to maintain romantic relationships outside of the marriage.  Hubby is concerned with losing his freedom, why take another thing away that lets him feel free.

That said, I will not be pursuing any new relationships while I am pregnant.  Any hope I had at getting involved in the local BDSM scene is also on hold, even if Hubby's comfort level with it increases. (Who's going to tie up and pretend to abuse a pregnant woman?) I will maintain and enjoy my relationship with NMB, who is happy for us.  NMB's wife is very excited to get to be around a baby.  It adds a different dimension of support and interest that is nice.  Also, even though it's clearly a decent thing to do and he knew that this was a possibility, I can't help but be touched by the fact that NMB is totally fine with the pregnancy.  For someone who seemed to have a history of casual, no commitment simple relationships, sticking with me through something as complicated as the incubation and creation of a child seems big.  It feels good.  It is realistic to assume that I will see less of him as the pregnancy becomes more annoying and when the baby arrives, but knowing that he'll be there is a damn good feeling.  I can also look to the two of them for advice on parenting, meaning I will have extra support as a new mom.

Hubby is pursuing new relationships and maintaining one casual one.  I hope that he can find someone that he feels a strong connection with.  He feared that pregnancy would cause me to want to turn our relationship inward and that I wouldn't want him dating anymore if I got pregnant.  I am finally able to prove him wrong.  Here I am, hormones and all, encouraging him to date. 

And so here we are.  Having a child will add a new learning curve to our poly experience, but others have done it and we will too.  Being poly will add stress to our young family at times, but I also anticipate that having activities and adult relationships outside of each other and with the baby will be a huge advantage for us.  The adventure continues!
 

Things Got Rocky, But They Appear to Have Settled

I haven't been posting about our rough patch, because things were so personal and so difficult that I didn't want to add any additional threat by writing about them here.  There are a handful of people in the local community who know my real identity and I couldn't blog as freely as I would have otherwise.

Things seem to have settled and are truly on the upswing as of right now, but there was a lot of arguing and a lot of discussing, some careful negotiation and some refusing to back down.  What we argued about was remaining in an open, poly relationship.  What we have settled on is remaining in an open, poly relationship.

After numerous disappointments and let downs, Hubby was feeling pretty down about his prospects and having a hard time seeing the benefits of being poly when all he had thus far was emotional pain.  The pain of being dumped in addition to the pain of having to share me was really bringing him down.  He wanted to close.  I refused.  Thus began about 6 weeks of arguing about the future of our relationship and whether or not we would stay married.

What we have settled upon is remaining open.  I am content to just date NMB for the time being, until a time which he feels more comfortable.  He now has a consistent fun thing going on, but there is little emotion there.  He still really wants an emotional connection with another girl and is continuing to search for it.

I still feel like things are precarious, but I also feel like it is more important now to stick to my convictions and fight for the open relationship.  Monogamy does not make sense to me any more, on a fundamental level.  On a practical level, I will not give up my relationship with NMB.  Nope.  Not gonna do it.

Things have changed for us in the last few weeks and in the coming months/year will be changing even more.  I will write about this soon, but for now, I am just happy that I managed to squeeze out a post at all. 

My husband likes my boyfriend's brownies

The other day I went over to NMB's house to hang out with him and his wife.  Their daughter greeted me with a hug and a kiss when I walked in.  I just think that's really cool.  I love borrowing other people's kids.  I like knowing that she likes me and I'm not disrupting her life in some weird way when I show up and steal her dad's attention.  His wife made dinner.  I played Bananagrams with her while he made brownies.  He distracted us with the brownie batter on the beater.  We had brownies and after the kid was in bed, NMB and I made good use of the bedroom while his wife played video games in the next room.  That's code for sex, by the way.  I had sex with my boyfriend while his wife played video games in the next room.  Afterwards, we all played Cards Against Humanity.  Then I got a back rub.

Did you get all that?  I got dinner, games, brownie batter and brownies, sex, more games and a back rub.  All of that was in addition to great company for the evening.  This is what being poly gets me.  Life is good.  NMB sent me home with a couple brownies, one of which was meant for my hubby.  He liked it.  The fact that my husband likes my boyfriend's brownies makes me giggle.  As NMB said it, "There's not many people who can make that precise statement!"  I replied "It's a point of pride."

An observation I made while hanging out with NMB and family...  while I feel totally welcome and at ease around them both, I can see how hanging out with a married couple could be intimidating for someone who is dating one of them.  The inside jokes from the long shared history, the knowing what the other is thinking, the shared domestic activities...  those are a powerful part of a long term relationship that could be hard to see for someone on the outside with a romantic interest in one of them.  In my case, I liked seeing the two of them together.  They are cute.  I like seeing them interact in the same way that I like seeing any positive successful couple interact.  I have a similar situation in my life and it's easy for me to understand their connection.  However, for someone with no experience with marriage or a long term relationship, this could be difficult to understand and therefore intimidating.  I resolve to keep this in mind while meeting metamours in the future.  I hope to keep them as at ease as I am around NMB and family.

How Poly is Making Me a Better Person

I'm publishing this short analysis on the ways poly is making me a better person overall.  It's enriching my life in several ways and also affecting me to force positive change.  We're still only six months into this lifestyle, but we've learned a lot and intend to continue on indefinitely.  Here are some of the things poly has done for me lately.


I'm meeting new people and expanding my social circle.  
This is introducing me to new activities as well as new people.  I've been to burlesque shows, new restaurants, the houses of new friends... Since the main point of this is to expand my life experience, this fringe benefit is really valuable.  I'm not just expanding my sexual persona, I'm also expanding my friendships and connections.


Coming out creates a deeper connection with the friends and acquaintances I have. 
Something about taking the risk to tell someone something so personal and outrageous brings them closer to you and leads to them being more open with you.  I love intense conversation and deep personal connection and being poly is creating more of these situations in my life.


I have to work on negative emotions and develop new coping strategies to face the new challenges. 
Doing the sort of personal growth exercises necessary to make poly work is bound to make me a better person.  Facing head on and overcoming insecurity and jealousy, improving communication and intimacy, resolving conflict with friends and lovers...  these are challenges that force you to do emotional work and improve yourself.  You can't learn this stuff without living it.  Each negative emotion that I struggle with is molding me into a stronger person better able to cope with it the next time. 



I am naturally even more accepting of unconventional behavior. 
Being part of a fringe group means that I am experiencing what it feels like to be even weirder.  I've always been weird, but in a nerdy way, not in a sexual way.  Being weird in a sexual way is quite different in the eyes of society, just ask any gay person.  Since I've decided that staying completely closeted is not going to work for me, I've been coming out to select people in a one to one setting.  I choose to tell people who I see as non-judgemental and understanding.  Most importantly, I tell people who already know me as me and are thus more likely to accept me.  Being in this position, where I am now more than ever, likely to be judged by society for my behavior and beliefs, has made me more empathetic towards other fringe groups.  I was always accepting, but now I feel a kinship with anyone who is misunderstood.  I've been more outspoken about calling people on their judgmental actions and behavior, especially at work, where our patients are the last people we should be judging.


I appreciate all the love I have in my life and each love can be whatever it will be. 
There is no pressure on any relationship to fit a mold.  Every connection I have has the ability to grow into whatever it is capable of.  My friendships with men are no longer inhibited by the social idea that they can't get close to me because of my marriage.  Now, I can have male friends and if they become male more-than-friends that is okay.  The relationship can be whatever it is.  Friends have the capability of becoming lovers.  My support network is growing all the time.  I get to see the encouragement from people in my life that will support me even if they don't completely understand it. 


It's improving my marriage.  Really!
Every little bit of drama that Hubby and I have worked through to make poly work for us is also improving our bond.  It started with more open communication and confessions about sex that we'd kept from each other for fear of reprisal.  It grew into allow each other the freedom we want for ourselves.  We've each had to manage jealousy and together work through some uncomfortable situations.  We've had some intense decisions to make and we've overcome some really ugly stuff fairly easily.  What's really amazing about these challenges is that once we've discussed them and worked them out, they go away.  We don't bring up past poly arguments out of spite.  If they are brought up it highlights what we've learned as it relates to the present situation.  (Unlike our arguments about things like the kitchen cabinet that is yet to be installed 4 years after the initial kitchen remodel.)








 

The riskiest coming out yet, but I did it for her sake.

I came out to a coworker the other night even though I was hesitant to do so.  She is a monogamous, married, good Christian girl who may be just a little bit repressed.  I chose to do this for her sake, not for mine.  I took the risk of rejection and weirdness.  Thankfully, I already have a large network of kind and accepting people who know who will be on the lookout for me for any backlash that might occur from this in the workplace.  I don't expect it, but I'm prepared to own it.

The reason I felt it was important that this coworker know about poly is that she has been the center of gossip at work for the last year or so regarding a male coworker.  This male coworker has since transferred to another unit, but everyone has suspicions that they are still hanging out together.  The chemistry between them was obvious to anyone who watched them interact.  Personally, I have a huge problem with they guy, but she seems to connect with him.  The risk of having an affair is high, if it's not already going on.  I wanted her to know that she had an option that wasn't cheating.  I wanted her to see an example of somebody she knows succeeding in the early stages of an open relationship.  She asked me a lot of questions.  I answered them honestly.

Her statements varied from interested consideration to distancing.  "I've always had a fear that I'd only ever sleep with one guy..."  and "I guess if it works for you guys and no one is getting hurt..."  Whatever she decides is of no consequence to me.  Poly is a lot of work.  Cheating is easier.  I couldn't do it, but I guess I understand why someone would.  I just felt it was important to share what I've learned over the last few months so that she would know that there is another option.  She could have what she wanted and still be with and not hurt her husband.  I thought that sharing my experience would be the best way for her to learn about it.  Just like fighting homophobia by making sure that everyone has a gay friend/coworker/family member/some one they know and respect.  Knowing someone who is poly makes it all the more real and easy to understand.  One of the turning points for me was meeting a large local group of poly people and realizing that they were down to Earth, intelligent, educated and not crazy.  I hoped that maybe I could do the same on a smaller scale.

I hope she goes the route of honesty, but I also hope she gets the life experience she's looking for.  We only get one shot at this whole life thing, unless you believe in reincarnation, but I'm not living mine like I get a second chance.

He is Now-My-Boyfriend!

He will remain NMB, but now NMB will stand for Now-My-Boyfriend.  :D

This makes me happy.  I bucked up and had a conversation about the label just like I said that I would.  We applied it.  When I left his house last night he said, "Goodnight, Girlfriend." Which actually sounded weird.  Labels always sound weird to me.  When Hubby and I got married, I found it very strange to call him "husband" and thus, I said it over and over until it felt right.

This changes nothing other than it gives me some reassurance that what we have will be ongoing.  I like that.  I pointed out that it changes very little, really, if either of us were to drop of the face of the Earth it would be a shitty thing to do to the other at this point.  Therefore, simply implying some small level of commitment doesn't really change things since I don't think either of us would be that shitty to each other.

All that said, I'm happy that I can now call him my boyfriend.

In other news:  I have a breakfast date on Thursday morning with someone that I've been texting casually for weeks.  He finally asked me out.  We'll see where this goes. 

It's over. 10 years of friendship is over.

"She says I'm okay; I'm alright, Though you have gone from my life You said that it would, Now everything should be all right"

It's over.  Here's how it all went down over several hours via text message.  

G: First I wish to say I wasn't ignoring you last night, I had the phone on silent so as not to interrupt the Shakespeare experience for those around us This might be a subtle jab at my friends' kids, not sure.  There is already so much passive aggressive behavior that I can't tell anymore.  and thus didn't see you called for a bit. Second it may be pure semantics but I said "I was mislead, lied to, and disrespected tonight and I don't feel comfortable doing it right now." It being pet sitting, I did not call you or Hulk a liar directly. But I am not stupid, I know what is going on. True story, he only knows because someone told him and I told that person not to lie.  And I also know neither you nor he looked me in the eye let alone talked to me, which seems to me you both feel like there is wrong doing too. You want to talk, fine, but you can't dictate what I can and can't say to your husband either. I told him I wouldn't pet sit too and he asked why, I told him without saying specifically why (Hulk). If you want the talk in person tell me when you're available and if over the phone text and I shall call if I can. I am trying to enjoy today with my gf and her mom because it is her mom's birthday so may not be 100% free. 2:09 PM This is consistent with the same pattern that he's been playing with me over this.  He feigns a willingness to talk about it, but then claims unavailability.

Me: I truly want you to explain to me how what we are doing is wrong. And I can certainly have a problem with you saying hurtful and untrue things about me behind my back. I know what the whole message was. You are free to say whatever you want to whoever you want, but I think it's inappropriate to do that to a friend.  If I didn't talk to you, it was because I was concerned about your mood, you sat separately, asked for another blanket instead of joining the existing sea of blankets. What we are doing is not wrong, but I knew it would upset you on some level. There is a difference. 2:26 PM

G: Actually we stood awkwardly as besides J and later K, we weren't aknowledged as being there. Wasn't told "this is the area to sit in" or told you know, hi. We didn't ask for a blanket, J gave us one as we stood there confused. Suddenly blankets are confusing?  This is crap.  The blanket was on the ground.  He didn't need direction as to where to sit.  He also could have asked. We sat there in silence because no one talked to us. I know I offered them both pretzels and that his gf was talking with my bff. We may as well have been strangers.  I'm tired of being ignored and treated like a stranger by you people. You people!? And now Hulk is doing it too. So yay another friend completely lost. What happens when you two break up? What then?  Unless he has decided he doesn't want to get married and be with one person forever, you two won't last forever since you know you're already married.  I didn't say what you were doing is wrong I said you guys must feel that way as you hid it and refused to look or aknowledge me. 2:33 PM Or maybe we just didn't know how to do this without pissing you off.  Obviously, we've failed at this.

Me: I recall waving and saying hi. I didn't realize I would have to welcome you to the blanket I said I'd bring for you. I'm sorry you felt like a stranger.  I probably did feel a little awkward in regards to the situation, knowing you'd be upset, but I still don't understand why, just a sense because I know you generally disapprove of us being poly.  What happens when we break up is between the two of us, but since you asked I'll tell you that it's been discussed. He plans on continuing to date and I acknowledge that looking for someone who would be ok with the situation would severely limit his dating pool. Therefore, once he finds someone he wishes to be exclusive with, he is free to end things with me. It's an acknowledged temporary relationship. Also- I remind you- I hid it only based on your insistence that I not discuss who I dating. That decision was not to spite you, it was out of respect for you.  And don't write Hulk off as a friend. That's not fair to him. What we are doing is not wrong. 4:34 PM

G: You know what? You're right, you're not doing wrong, everyone involved is happy and knows what is going on. I am the only one who has a problem with it, so I am just completely removing myself from this. I overreacted last night and was just mad and felt hurt. I hate that at this point there are way to many people involved and are in the middle of it. And over what? Me having a problem, so I am just stepping away from it all. It is the most logical step, everyone else is happy and fine with it except me. I'm sorry I am not okay with it but this way we can all be happy and healthy without worrying about what the other thinks. I don't hate anyone involved, I'm not mad, or talking anything negative about anyone. I love you all but just not comfortable with any of it. So I am done, I hope the best for you all. 4:57 PM Passive aggressive and not at all genuine, but what he's saying here is the truth.  Everyone else involved is fine, he's just hoping it will all blow up and someday we'll tell him he was right.

Me: I feel like you haven't given it a chance to become comfortable with it. I promise it's different from other open relationships that you've seen. I have made the effort with all of my friends to give them the chance to ask questions and be sure they have a good understanding of what it is and what it is not. You haven't allowed me to extend the same courtesy to you.  There are books, podcasts, all sorts of resources out there for people who do this successfully.  Are you saying you just can't be my friend anymore because of this? You have no problem being friends with my husband though, or you didn't anyway. Why is it ok for him and not for me? It was ok for J too, when he was a third, but no okay for me. Why? 5:08 PM

G: I'm saying all of you. All three of you involved. It just makes me feel awkward. No exceptions nothing else. It has cause me too much heartache and misery. I don't need that. 7:13 PM Heartache and misery!?  That doesn't even make sense.  How is what we are doing in our personal life causing him heartache and misery! 

Me: I hope you feel differently one day. 7:58 PM   I had no idea what else to say.  Fuck it, Dude.  Let's go bowling.

"I will kill thee, And love thee after"

I am both deeply sad and angry about this situation.  I thought I played it cool with Hulk and my long time friend who is uncomfortable with poly.  Lets call this friend Gathering, or G.  I am choosing this nickname because he is very good at gathering people together.

First a little background on our particular group of friends.  Many years ago, there was event known by some as The Sundering.  A couple broke up and the female involved decided to immediately go out with her ex-bf's best friend.  The best friend happened to be G.  The group split apart and we didn't speak for years.  Before all of this happened G asked me out and I declined.  I would do the same again.  He's a fantastic friend and I would do anything for him, but I don't want to date him.  It's just not there.

Knowing that...  here is what has occurred since we became poly.  He has repeatedly refused to talk to me about it, at first expressing anger and concern about our relationship, citing two other couples he knows who are non-monogamous and were not stable.  He expressed the fear that we would eventually break up because of it or at least become extremely hurt.  Over the last few months, he has been distant, refusing to discuss it and claiming that he doesn't mind, that we are both adults and we should do whatever makes us happy.  I have still attempted to talk to him only to be told it's unnecessary.

In dating Hulk, we both recognized that G would be likely to have a negative reaction to us dating and thus we were trying to determine how to handle it.  Keep in mind that our first date was Tuesday and the following events occurred on Saturday night.  G has specifically asked not to be informed about who we are dating, thus putting me in a difficult position.  Also, keep in mind that the background to much of this was Shakespeare's Othello- the primary theme of which is perceived infidelity.  Perceived infidelity.  That's what occurred IRL tonight as well, as far as I can tell anyway.  Since my friend has refused to discuss it with me, I can only speculate.   The title of this is a quote from Othello, in this instance, it describes my friendship with this person and his decision to murder it based on perceived infidelity.

This is what I suspect my friend has murdered our friendship over.  He doesn't know the timeline, that we only started dating on Tuesday.  He doesn't know that starting on Tuesday we were trying to figure out how to handle things with G.  He doesn't know that we were holding back on showing our affection out of respect for him and his boundaries.  All he knew going into tonight is that I invited Hulk to the event and talked him into coming along and bringing his daughter.  I did not hide this.  We were still trying to figure out how to address it.

G was distant from the moment he showed up.  He did not join the majority of us on the sea of blankets we had created.  Instead, he asked another friend for an additional blanket and sat somewhat behind us all, incidentally right behind where Hulk and I were primarily hanging out.  We texted a little, but decided to keep things on the DL to not stir the pot and challenge G's comfort zone. 

Then G left. He made an excuse about not feeling well, said his sandwich didn't agree with him and he left.  He left smiling (faking) and said that he would call me about watching the pets later this week.  He left.

I looked at Hulk and raised an eyebrow.  He put out his arm to welcome me to cuddle.  All of my friends present in the situation were comfortable with this.  Hulk was comfortable with this in front of his daughter.  One of my bff's was comfortable with this in front of her new bf.  The other bff was fine with it in front of her kids.  ("I don't care.  Once they get older I'll just explain it.  Some people are like Mommy and Daddy and some are like BB and Hubby") My younger brother, age thirteen, who I had told that we were poly, but not that I was dating Hulk, was completely comfortable with it.  I didn't think about it until later, but to have that kind of acceptance from the people in my life that I care about is a pretty intense feeling of support.  My friends are awesome, truly.

At some point, I am sitting alone with J, my super awesome gay friend, who discloses that G was asking if I was "dating or trying to date Hulk" and he didn't know what to say.  I told him not to lie.  That I didn't want to lie about it.  From what I gather some time later, he again asked and J disclosed.  G's response?  "She lied to me."

After returning home, I got this a text from G-

I'm sorry for the short notice, but you need to find someone else to pet sit this weekend.  I will return your key to you this week.

Hubby got the same text and actually managed some conversation.  He got the following about me:

As for why, well ask your wife I'd say.  I was mislead, lied to, and disrespected tonight and I don't feel comfortable doing it right now. At some point, if you want to hang out, let me know, but I just can't do the pet sitting right now, I'm afraid.  I will talk to you later,  I'm sure.

I have a huge problem with this.  He's now told at least two people that I'm a liar without talking to me.  He also seems to be totally fine with the men involved, but not me.  I'm feeling a little slut shamed.  I suspect there is a complex set of emotions going on here that he doesn't completely understand.  He's had other friends in open relationships, that he may have looked down on, but not unfriended.  Our gay friend, J, was a third for an existing couple for a while and he didn't hold it against him.  He's continued to talk to my husband throughout all of this while being distant with me.  I can't help but feel my vagina has something to do with his negative reaction. 

I'll Miss You

NMB is off to France today.  His plane leaves in about 30 minutes.  I saw him last night for dinner, sex and naked cuddling.  He's quite comfortable with Shark Week sex, probably more comfortable with it than I am.

Now that I have something else promising going on, my insecurities with NMB are lessening.  I finally found the courage to ask him a question I've been curious about.  "Exactly how many people are you seeing right now?"  I was surprised by the answer, but in a good way.  I'm the person he's seeing the most regularly right now, outside of his wife.  Other relationships, sexual or not, are pretty casual from the sound of it.  He again told me he's trying to dial some of it back so he can have more evenings at home.

I don't know what his usual casual lovemaking style is, but with me there is a lot of  eye contact, little kisses and intensity.  Gawd I love the way he moans.  He's mostly quiet, but when he moans...  mmm...  so rewarding to hear that.  He smiles at me a lot too, like he's enjoying my frequent orgasms.  We hold our faces close.  He's skilled at pushing my boundaries of pain to cause pleasure.  I'm usually left with sore nipples after our encounters and last night was no exception.  He bit my shoulder a couple times too, leaving behind a mark for the first time.  I'm okay with that.  After the sex, we cuddled for a long time, intertwined, we talked.  I told him about Hulk and how the varying sexual experience is going to be an interesting experience.  This didn't seem to bother him, which is awesome.  We talked about the other various people in our polycule, which is a new term he introduced me to.  I like it. :D   

He also mentioned that his comfort level with me was such that he wasn't too concerned about little things like laundry not being put away and such while having me over.  Sometimes I wonder if we're both holding back for fear of chasing the other one off.   If that's the case, that's okay, I guess.  It'll work out eventually.  I'm quite comfortable with the level of dating we have going on here...  it doesn't need a title, yet.

I wished him well and left once his wife arrived home.  I'll miss him, I truly will.  However, I'm learning to enjoy what I have in front of me when I have it.  I'll have him in front of me again soon enough. 
 

I Think I'm Becoming a Secret Girlfriend

It's only been 2 days since my first date with Hulk and I'm already seeing the benefits of dating someone nearby.  Geography is a big variable when it comes to dating, you know.  I found that I was really looking forward to seeing him again, so I sent a leading text this evening...

Hmmm...  I wanna cuddle again.

Lol.  I'm home!

If it wasn't going to be dark so soon, I'd suggest a bike ride.

I'm prolly gonna get to bed early anyways.  I need to catch up on some sleep.

I don't want to keep you up again, but I am so close, I could be there pretty darn quick. ;)
And I wouldn't be able to stay real late anyway, there's housework to be done.

As long as you let me go to bed by 10, lol.

By ten?  I can do that.

Ok, let me put some pants on, lol

Hey! I wear pants too!

They're overrated.
Ps, u can come whenever.

And so I did.  I made the 2 minute drive to his place.  And he met me at the door with a few more closed lip kisses.  (Hmmm...  I might have a harder time getting him out of his sexual shell than I thought.)  I presented him with a hard drive containing some downloaded stuff I had laying around.  I thought there might be something on there we could watch.  We settled on Being Human and watched the first episode together.  He enjoyed it.  At one point, his ex-ish-wife called and put his daughter on the phone to sing to him.  I kept quiet, assuming that he wouldn't want her to know I was chillin on his bed.

After the show, I turned towards him and we started making out.  His arms are big and comfortable around me, it's nice.  His kisses became opened mouth, but still no tongue.  We'll have to work on that.  He was good at kissing my neck though.  He found the spot that makes me moan softly and want to do more.  I sat up to reposition and took my shirt off, leaving my bra on.  (Things could only go so far, since I'm on my period.)  Then I was laying on my back with him next to me on his side, leaning over me slightly, kissing me.  He took my right breast from my bra and put my nipple in his mouth (gonna have to tell him to be a little rougher on those if I'm gonna feel it).  Then, he stopped and placed his head against my chest. 

I'm thinking about too many things, I think.  -He explained.

What are you thinking about?

Well, the birth control thing, mostly.

 And so we slowed down and talked about things. I reminded him that it was Shark Week and thus not much could go on tonight anyway.  Hopefully that removed some of the pressure.  Then we went back to cuddling and talking.  I have a little work to do in convincing him that condoms and EC are reasonably responsible protection.  Especially in my case.

You know, it's probably after 10. - I noted.

I know, but I don't wanna let you go.  -He replied.

Aw.

It's been a long time since I've had a girl in my bed. 

So, I know from stalking his OKC profile that he is less sexually experienced that me.  Not so much in terms of partners, but in terms of activities and kink.  He's not kinky at all, at least he claims not to be.  I find it hard to believe that he would have no kinks at all.   Here's an example of how different we are sexually.

Slut Test Results

Him                     Me
31%                     62%
I'm twice the slut!

Purity Test Results

Him                     Me
90%                     49%
I'm way less pure!

I've never been with someone less sexually experienced that me.  It's somewhat appealing in that I think I could show him some things, but he likes to be the aggressor, so I'll have to tell rather than show, I think.  It will be fun new territory for me to traverse.  I also really like the idea of being his "secret girlfriend".  I get the thrill of having an affair with no funny stuff.  Some of my friends will be in on it and some won't be.  His ex-ish-wife won't know and I totally understand him keeping this separate from his daughter, which I assume he'll want to do.   He's also still very interested in finding that full time person.  He asked me to help him with his profile.  I find that reassuring.  I don't want him getting too attached to me and missing out on that person he deserves.

So the next time I'll see him is on Saturday as part of a group gathering.  He'll have his daughter and the friend who would not be cool with things will be there.  We'll have to play it cool.  I suspect there will be some surreptitiously sent text messages, which sounds like fun.  I'm a secret...  and I think he'd be fine with calling me a girlfriend, but I'm gonna give that some time before I throw that title on it.  Anyway, I dig it.  This is a good thing that is growing.  It's comfortable.  It's warm.  It's giving.  It's exciting.  It's close.  (I'm gonna have a booty-call-cuddle-buddy within walking distance!)



  

This Was a Little Risky. I Went Out With a Monogamous Boy

This monogamous boy is one I've known casually for a long time.  He's a friend of a friend who makes occasional appearances at group gatherings.  The mutual friend happens to be the one who is not okay with our poly status, at all.  This means that this date must stay mostly secret.

Nickname: Hulk.  This is appropriate because he is the most stacked guy I've ever dated, but also, he shared with me that the superhero he identifies most with is the Incredible Hulk.  Normally, I would find such a self comparison concerning, but I've known Hulk for so long and I know him to be a quiet peaceful guy and I know he is not a violent person.  I'd elaborate more, but I feel what he shared is too personal to reshare even anonymously.  Trust me when I say that I understand that such a thing could be seen as a warning sign, but my instincts are strong in such situations and I'm good here.

So, Hulk took me out to Longhorn steakhouse.  Afterwards, we went to a park and talked while we walked.  He clarified a couple things he was wondering about.  STI prevention was a big concern and understandably so.  He was also concerned about it staying private and noted that his mother would have issues with him dating someone who is married. (Although- his divorce isn't final so I think we're both occupying different space in the same grey area.)   Obviously, I understand his need for discretion, this is weird even if it's not wrong and it would make it much harder for him to find that right person to be monogamous with. He asked about that. I told him that I'd understand when he needed to cut things off, that it would severely limit the dating pool if he was looking for someone who was okay with a continued relationship with a married woman. I acknowledged that it might involve some sadness, but that I understood.

I think this has the potential to be awesome. He's an awesome cuddler and fun to converse with. He lives really close to my house, like within walking distance, making it super convenient to maintain something. He said that what he liked about dating me was that he wasn't really ready for the big super serious relationship yet, and he knew that with me, there is a limit on how much time I could occupy. It makes me feel good to think that I could give him some companionship and warmth while he's waiting for the Big One.
He had planned on kicking me out at midnight, but didn't until 2am. We didn't kiss until the end and those were gentle closed mouth kisses. It might be a while before I get his pants off. I went in for a few more kisses at the end and he said "You better go before I keep you all night."

"Next time." I said. And I left him in his house alone.

I find I'm really looking forward to seeing him again. If I had to sum it all up in one word, that word would be "warm" and that was nice. I'll see him on Saturday as part of a group gathering, but it will have to stay distant for obvious reasons. I suspect I'll surreptitiously text him a few things though. Yay technology!

"So, You've Broken the Chains of Monogamy Then"

Remember the swooning I did about 2 weeks ago?  Well, we had a second date.  In between the first and second date there were many many text messages exchanged.  They started off fun and flirty, got serious at times, went back to fun and flirty, covered the safer sex/history discussion, and went back to fun and flirty.  Our texting occurred in the late hours of the night, mostly between 11pm and 3am.  This was awesome for getting through some boring nights at work.

After several messages of cheesiness and general silly flirting, he sent the following message

Cheese and joking aside, I did find your company to be enjoyable and you to be attractive.  These are qualities which combine to make me interested in getting you into bed, if such things work out.  (Awkwardness of conversation: escalated)

Sexy man wanted to sleep with me.  I suspected the chemistry was mutual, but one is wise to be cautious with such assumptions.  Especially when one is new to poly, has been on several dates and on OkCupid for 2 months and has yet to sleep with anyone new.  That is a little disheartening in a way.  I was fairly ready to take it off for someone who was attractive and somewhat compatible.  You wouldn't think it would take all that long to find someone to fuck me.  Oh well (spoiler alert) the deed is done now.

Since its been 7 years since I was single and dating, I can truly appreciate how texting has changed the landscape of dating.  Having the sexual history discussion via text is something new and it's quite nice.  I appreciate the less awkward aspect of not being face to face for it.  You don't feel quite so judged.  Another benefit that was pointed out to me is that when you are texting you are not in the heat of the moment and thus tempted to skip important parts.  These are advantages to the "netization" of our socialization.  Besides, IMing on AOL back in the day was how I got dates in high school, so this works for me.  I appreciate someone who has command of the English language and can effectively flirt via text.  It's not all that easy.

In the meantime,  the Hubby and I negotiated terms for the next date.  I had no restrictions.  I could bring him back to the house and Hubby even helped me clean the house.  Yes, you read that correctly.  My husband helped me clean the house so that I could have a man over while he was at work for the purposes of having sex.  My only rule was to change the sheet before he got home.  With the mutual attraction confirmed, the safer sex conversation out of the way and full permissions granted by my husband things were set up for my first act of intercourse outside of my marriage. 


So, our flirting and general conversation went on and on until Tuesday finally arrived.  I woke up a little late and rather had to rush to make it to the restaurant.  I was only a few minutes late, thankfully.  And by a few, I mean like 4 or 5 minutes.  The restaurant was meh.  What happened afterwards was not at all meh.  He followed me back to the house.  On the way there I had a conversation with my mother on the phone. 

What are you doing?

I'm on my way home.

From where?

Dinner.  (Please don't ask any more questions...  please don't ask any more questions...)

Oh.  Well, I was calling about your brother...

(whew)

Once off the phone with her, I turned up the stereo and listened to Noah and the Whale.  There was a storm ahead of us on the highway, but it was only lightly raining where I was.  Once in a while lightening would strike in the clouds ahead.   I rolled the windows down and let my hair blow everywhere.  The wind smelled like rain and I was electrified by the spring storm and the feeling of change.  I was taking a guy home with the intention of having sex with him!

The night outside is five below
His heart is pumping blood
On his lips a perfect smile
His eyes begin to flood

Because tonight's the kind of night
Where everything could change
Tonight's the kind of night
Where everything could change

Noah and the Whale provided the lo-fi youth-inspired theme song to my intentions. 

Once inside, I didn't know how things were going to proceed.  Is it like how things were when I was younger, do you put on a movie and pretend you are going to watch it?  Nope.  He points out that the kissing was fun and I agreed.  From there, making out ensued.  He pulled me onto his lap so that I was straddling him.  We kissed a lot.  I leaned back and removed my shirt.  He seemed to appreciate that.  I ground my hips against him.  He removed his shirt.  I was wearing a skirt and his hands were wandering underneath it.  There was some awkward talking, but also this wonderful build up that comes along with a first encounter.   "It's like magic," I tell him, "I found you on OkCupid and now you are in my living room." I really feel like I've won something.  My bra is removed after he comments, "I never really know how these front clasp bras work."  I unsnap it.  After some more kissing and attention to my breasts, he asks me, "Any feelings of guilt?"  I leaned towards him and responded "No.  Not really.  I mean, there's a certain amount of discomfort knowing that what I'm doing will cause my husband emotional pain, but I know I have permission."  And we go back to what we were doing.  Honestly, what I wanted more than anything was to stay engaged in the moment and not lose my focus or primal intentions.  It honestly felt like the best thing to do for my husband was to make the most out of the experience so that his pain wouldn't be wasted.

Finally I stood up and made a comment about the futon folding down.  We make out further while we undress.  He slides his hand into my underwear and briefly slides his fingers inside me.  I am extremely wet.  He removes his fingers and licks them while murmuring "hmmm."  This is a move that turns me on.  We both finished undressing and I pulled the futon down into a bed.  I climbed onto the bed and he stood in front of me.  Okay.  Let's explore this cock.  Uncut.  Nice.  This will be fun.  I am not unfamiliar with this style as my first boyfriend in high school was not circumcised, and that was the guy I lost my virginity to.  Oddly enough, I honestly didn't know this at the time.  It was only after I had slept with someone else that I noticed the difference in anatomy.  I know what to do and I can approach this with some measure of confidence.  

So I suck his cock for a while.  He receives this attention differently than my husband.  He has both hands on the back of my head and he thrusts his hips towards me.  It was not uncomfortable and it did not bother me, but I was mostly indifferent to it.  It took some of the control away from me, but that's alright too.  After some time, we progressed to the next activity.  He spends some time just looking at my pussy and breathing on her.  I'm excited about this, but also apprehensive as I'm quite sure that most men don't know what they are doing down there.  He did.  It wasn't perfectly in tune with what I like, but I came rather quickly and had to ask him to ease off.  He seemed to enjoy this.  "You're fun." he said at one point.  I think this was in reference to the noises I was making and my general level of enthusiasm.  He kept at this for longer than I expected.  I came several times like this, each time having to ask him to slow down.  He pushed my limits and the whole time it bordered on too much stimulation, which ended in some intense orgasms, but was also a strange feeling. 

He stopped and stood up and asked where I hide my latex free condoms.  I crawled across the bed and reached into a box on the end table to get to them.  I did this knowing he would get an unrestricted view of my ass and I hoped he would enjoy that.  He did.  "I'm just enjoying the view," he said.  Awesome.  I was a little worried that he wouldn't like what he saw.  I'm glad to know that I was wrong.

And so we did it.  We fucked in my marriage bed.  It was fun!  And I didn't feel guilty about it.  I wanted it.  Afterwards, we cuddled for a long time.  We chatted, we kissed some more, and he gave me a really good back massage.  Eventually, he fell asleep and I got up to make a sandwich.  I later crawled back into bed and cuddled with him some more before I had to kick him out.  At one point he told me that I was "very responsive" in that it was really easy for me to get off.

I changed the sheet and I took a shower.  I erased all visible evidence of our tryst so that there would be no visible evidence to throw in my husband's face when I got home.  

Now I had Friday to look forward to, for that is when we made plans to meet again.  Friday.  And once I post this I will begin writing about what happened on Friday.  ;)

An Eventful Day: Swooning, Hanging with a Metamor, Coming Out and Scoring Some Digits

I had a rather eventful day.  First event on the schedule was a first date I was rather looking forward to.  I was excited about his profile and started swooning when he suggested a restaurant that serves only mac and cheese entrees.  I met him in a hip and cool part of the Big City on a very nice day.  He approached me outside the restaurant.  I looked up and immediately recognized him from his OKCupid pic.  He's hot.  I mean, really damn cute.  I know he's savvy enough to find this blog if he desires to and may be reading this.  I'm going to go ahead and take the risk of being totally honest here with my swooning.


A List of Swoons in Order of Appearance

1. Suggesting mac and cheese restaurant.
2. Being really damn cute.
3. British accent that was understated in profile.
4. Browsing through comic book shop, comments on this as a first date activity.
5. Has read A Song of Ice and Fire.
6. Laughs at my jokes.
7. Kissing was nice.  Really nice.
8. We make plans for our next date right there before parting ways.
9. We text throughout the evening, including an exchange about Apple products.

This was my most successful date thus far and I'm feeling quite good about it.   I'm on a bit of high afterwards and I decide to call my dad.  I make plans to meet with him later this night to have a face to face discussion so I can tell him.

I pick up Munchie, who has accepted my invitation to join me in going to a meeting for a poly discussion group.  Cool. Offer extended and accepted.  Meeting was fun and interesting.  I'm again reminded about the cool people that do this.  I later receive a text from my date who informs me that his wife is dating one of the people at that meeting.  It is all a bit incestuous, to borrow a great descriptor from someone else.  Too funny!

I have enough time to stop home and use the bathroom before going to meet my dad.  I arrive early and while sitting alone my server flirts with me a bit.  I flirt back.  My dad arrives, I come out to him.  He's skeptical and apprehensive, but relaxes as he gets more detail about the execution and motivations.  He also takes some responsibility for my tendency toward deviant behavior and rightfully so.

Dad leaves and I stay to flirt further with the cute Denny's server.  I score a phone number.  I impress him and his friends with my hatred of Twilight and my knowledge of Futurama.  I flirt hardcore.  I feel amazing.  I'm now home, blogging and will shortly be going to bed.

It's been an eventful day, but one without regrets.

Drive By Whoring: Do WHAT now?

There's a reason I don't listen to the radio.  Okay, there's a lot of reasons.  One of them is that I hate morning DJ's.  There's a pair of them now on my local alternative station (the one that plays Nickleback) that have a ritual called a "Drive By Whoring".  Now I'm not sure if this activity is directed exclusively towards women, but it was inspired by a woman and it was a woman that received their scorn this morning.

From my limited experience with this activity, they take a phone call or letter from a jilted lover and describe the one sided story of the "unapproved" sexual activity of said "whore". They say her first name when describing this as well as the name of the jilted lover who calls in. They then drive by her house and yell "Whore!" and other mean things out the window of their car as they drive by.  This is recorded and played back on the radio for entertainment. 

Today's story included the savory details of how the jilted lover in turn jilted another by "stealing away" the fiance of the man who was sleeping with his gal. 

This is the sort of stuff we are entertained by.  This is acceptable behavior, driving by some woman's house and calling her a "whore" because her ex-boyfriend said so.  But we can't accept ethical nonmonogamy as a reasonable and honest non-skeevy life choice. 

*hangs head*