'Tis Better to Have Fucked and Lost?

Hubby is dealing with another setback.  I haven't blogged about this person much.  Nicknaming is becoming a real chore and she reads my blog so I've mostly stayed silent about her until now.  He really liked this girl.  They had spoken online for months leading up to her moving back into the area.  She was pretty.  They moved quickly at a pace which was a little unsettling for me, but I coped.  She was making him happy.  The sex was really good (or so I heard).  They had applied the labels "girlfriend/boyfriend".  I met her and had no icky feelings like I have with another.  Everything seemed to be going peachy keen.

Here is where the story telling becomes a bit murky, as this is all second hand, but this is how I understand it.  She started seeing another guy she had been talking to online for months.  At the same time, she was asked to distance herself from her long-time lover so that she may find something more long term and stable.  The new guy is not comfortable with her being open, despite her stating in her profile that she is not into exclusivity, and has asked her to stop seeing my hubby.  She is allowed to continue dating the long-time lover and would be allowed to sleep with other guys if this new guy was present for the fucking.  It sounds like she wants to give this a try because she doesn't think she will ever find what hubby and I have.

Okay, Sweetie, if you are reading this, I'm not going to hold back my opinion about this so read on at your own risk.  Keep in mind that I'm only working on what I've been told, but this is my honest and true reaction.

Stop.  Right now.  End things with this new guy.  He is trying to control you.  He's starting slowly, but it's already working.  It starts with a small request (dump the other new guy) and the tiniest bit of give (but you can still sleep around with my permission and supervision).  It will grow.  He will ask you to dump your long term lover and probably not allow you to talk to him ever again.  He will not allow you to sleep with others unless he gets something out of it.  I've watched a lot of abusive and controlling relationships and this is how it starts.  I bet he's also pouring all sorts of affection on you, right?  It will turn into insults to keep you insecure and make you think that no one else will ever want you.  You are stronger than this.  You can find a guy to treat you right who will not take away your freedom.

Your partner should not make you feel like you are missing out on life.  They should not make you feel like you are giving something else up.  They should make you happy and they should encourage you to do what makes you happy.  

This is what I have always believed to be true about relationships.  This is the sort of attitude that led us to the poly lifestyle choice and has given us the strength to explore it and continue on.  If you want what hubby and I have you are not going to find it in a guy who wants to control you and take away your freedom so early in a relationship or ever.  He forced the choice and you chose him.  It's a mistake.  I know you will see that eventually.  I don't care if you take my hubby back or not.  I don't know that he would take you back.  I just can't stand to see a girl make a stupid decision when I can see the red flags and warning signs from way over here.  Just be careful.  Unless you want a master/slave relationship, then by all means, go ahead and I retract my judgment.  

I hope I am wrong about all of this, but I usually am not.  Men are all too often far too predictable.

I Went to a Local Poly Event and This is What Happened

I went to a local poly event.  It's a group that meets monthly at a fantastic sex-positive coffee shop in Big City. Remember this guy?  He was there.  I tried to ignore it, but he was there.  He recognized me.  I recognized him.  I pretended I didn't make the connection.   He looked like he'd found the prize in the cereal box.  I tried to ignore this.  He was leering at me the whole time.  I tried not to look at his end of the table but every time I did, he was waiting to make eye contact with me.  I am not attracted to him.  I am utterly and completely creeped the fuck out.

The meeting was slightly awkward, but not terrible, except for the constant feeling of a stranger's unwelcome infatuation from across the table.  The people were nice, if a bit familiar with each other.  They tried to make me fit in by complimenting my appearance.  That Guy, as I hereby nickname him, tried to hold my gaze while he told me that I had on a very beautiful necklace.  It's a necklace that I like.  It was my grandma's (not the nice one).  It's a piece of costume jewelry and not something to be fawning over.  I thanked him.

Since I was seated in the middle of the table, I focused much of my attention at the opposite end of That Guy, so I didn't have to look at him.  This kept me from having to face the situation too much.  When the place closed and we all got up to leave.  I was formally saying goodbye to the new people I had just met, focusing on a group of folks from my Little City, and That Guy approached me.

"I just wanted to tell you how nice it was to meet you," he started as he held onto my hand longer than was necessary.

"Thanks."  I pulled my hand away from his creepy gentle grip.

"and how I'm already looking forward to the next time." He finished.  I was already looking somewhere other than his face.

"Oh. Okayyyy." I said as I awkwardly slipped away.

It's been hours and I still have the creeps.  I won't be going to another one of those meetings alone.   As NMB put it "and she never went to another meeting again."

Don't be That Guy at your local poly group or any group for that matter.  Just don't be That Guy.