An Unexpected Third

It may have been somewhat absurdly timed, as things often are in my world, but the husband and I had an experience last night.  Well, two experiences, really.  I suppose it would be best for me to write about them separately, even though they were really one.  We had sex with a third party.  I had sex with a female-bodied person.  This happened while I am 38 weeks pregnant!  What the hell, Life?  You are one tricky MF.  Way to keep me on my toes!  Perhaps the hormones of impending motherhood are making me extra mushy, but this was a profound experience for me in several ways and I don't know that I have completely processed it yet.  I'm not going to write out a play by play.  Trust me, it was hot, but I want to write about the feels. 

First, there is the experience we had as a couple.  I've blogged before about the challenges we've encountered with opening our marriage and the added stress of the pregnancy.  Last night felt like the bookend to the beginning stages.  I feel like we've achieved a comfort level together that was difficult to imagine not that long ago.  The experience closed the first chapter on our poly life.  We have graduated.     I faced one of my fears in watching him with someone else.  Coming from someone who once demanded a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy with my husband's porn viewing, this is a Big Deal.  (This is not something I'm proud of, but it's true, blaming my Catholic upbringing goes a long way for crap like this.)  It's a good example of how much I've managed to grow as a person in the last year.  My confidence and security has increased exponentially.  I watched him flirt and wrestle and eventually kiss another person and I never felt the slightest twinge of jealousy or anything icky.  I was turned on!  Compersion, I has it.  My emotional homework was done and I was prepared for the test.  I didn't have to think.  The answers were there.  I was proud of the way we communicated in the beginning and throughout the experience.  It demonstrated our comfort level and the skills that we've learned.  I can't say that I didn't have any insecurities.  Having a new sex partner at this late stage of pregnancy did arouse some misgivings about my physical state, but I was reassured in a way that made me comfortable again.  The whole thing felt natural and organic and comfortable and just nice...  I did not expect it to be like that.  I expected a certain amount of discomfort for my first experience.  I was prepared to tread very carefully and take things slowly so that I could handle the negative emotions that were bound to come up.  The negativity never happened.  In the possibility of outcomes that I considered, one where everything went perfectly had never seemed a possibility.  I just wanted to fuck up as little as possible.  This is why I feel like we've graduated.  We aren't noobs anymore.  We can get things right the first time and walk away from a new and potentially delicate experience feeling good.  

The second part of this is my first experience with a female bodied person.  I first recognized my attraction to women in high school.  Aside from a few experiences during truth or dare games while drinking underage, I had not had the opportunity to explore this side of my sexuality outside of my head.  I had gone from one monogamous relationship with a man to another and at some point I started assuming that I wasn't bisexual at all.  I wrote it off as teenage hormones being out of control.  Why not?  I was perfectly satisfied with my male partners.  Opening had the side effect of reminding me of my attraction to women and gave me the opportunity to explore this again.  There were a few awkward and uncomfortable dates at the beginning of my OkC exploration, but again life got in the way and I decided not to pursue the experience at this time.  Then there was pregnancy and I put all new dating on hold.  Again, I was looking at an unspecified date sometime far in the future to fulfill my desire for exploration with a female.  I had accepted this.  

Thanks to last night, I can now go into motherhood having experienced and fully embraced my bisexuality.  I did not feel forced.  I didn't feel like I was just performing for my husband.  I was 100% in my body and in the moment.  I wanted it.  I enjoyed it.  I want it again.  Any self doubts I had about misinterpreting my attractions have evaporated.  I can completely claim bisexuality as a part of my identity, just as I can claim poly.  I don't have to wait and wonder about this any longer.    

I can't complete this post without expressing my gratitude to the person who gave us this gift.  I hope that she will spend more time with us in the future.  She is kind and comfortable and sweet.  She is beautiful and warm.  She gave us a special experience and I will be forever grateful.

My Pancreas is a Dick

It's a little late in the pregnancy to be diagnosed, but it's true.  I have gestational diabetes.  Sigh.  Despite the fact that I'm a nurse, I don't know what this means yet.  I know that GD lends to larger babies.  I know that I will have to find a diet soda that I can live with.  I know that I won't be able to sit down with a whole sleeve of Thin Mints like I planned.  I know that my pregnancy is no longer a normal pregnancy and that I likely won't be allowed to go past my due date.  I know that I will have to eat small and frequent meals and avoid carbs and sugars.  I know that I will have to get past my hatred of sugar substitutes.  I know that I will have to check my blood sugar multiple times a day and that if I can't control it with diet, I'll be placed on an oral anti-diabetic.  I know that checking your blood sugar hurts. I know that I have no idea what I'll eat and that I have a hard enough time feeding myself now with no restrictions on my diet.  I know that my husband is good at this kind of stuff and that he'll help me.  I know that he'll also drive me crazy by telling me what I can't eat.  I know that I've shed a few tears over this, but the big cry is probably coming.  I also know that the ICU patient who lost her baby at 32 weeks would switch places with me in a heartbeat so I should suck it up and be thankful I still have a healthy baby growing inside of me.

And still, I'm mourning.  I'm mourning the loss of my healthy body.  I'm mourning the loss of ice cream and M&M's.  I'm mourning the loss of my freedom to eat whatever I want.  I'm mourning the fact that I no longer have chocolate as a legitimate coping mechanism.  I'm mourning the loss of the near perfect pregnancy that I had up until now.  I'm worried that this makes my chances of an intervention-free natural delivery less likely.  This makes me less likely to want to be pregnant again in the future.  It makes my thoughts of possibly being a surrogate less than ideal.

I realize that having GD for one pregnancy, doesn't mean I'll have it for others.  Apparently, my mom only had it for one of her four pregnancies.  I know that it does make it much more likely that I'll have it with subsequent pregnancies and that I'll develop type II diabetes later in life.  Despite the fact that I'm not hugely overweight, I'm fairly active and I have no family history of diabetes, I'm now at risk for being a diabetic forever.  If I get pregnant again in the future, I'll be screened for it much earlier and thus have much longer to deal with the consequences.

I'm resentful that this happens after it took so long to get pregnant in the first place.  I'm resentful that I waited until later in life and if I had kids sooner, I may not have had this happen.  I feel guilty for feeling resentful instead of just being happy that I have a healthy baby.

I've never before had to face a health problem that had real and serious consequences that demanded immediate life change.  I don't like this.  I don't like it one bit.  I cried while making a healthy snack last night, serious tears and sobs while spreading peanut butter on a whole wheat English muffin.  It was a tasty snack, but I cried anyway.

A Comparison Between Two Fourth Birthday Parties

I've spent this Saturday afternoon and last Saturday afternoon at fourth birthday parties for two different children.  Last week was my boyfriend's daughter.  This week was my niece.  There were worlds of differences between these parties and only one of them was enjoyable for me.

Last week, there were many kids at the party.  They were loud and boisterous and had a great time.  The parents were older, late twenties/thirties, and attentive to their kids.  The kids played together and with the adults.  Some of the adults drank beer and played rock band.  There was good conversation about intelligent topics and a general family-friendly feel.  Each set of parents was responsible for their kid, but everyone kept an eye out in general.  It was laid back and enjoyable.  I wasn't bothered by the experienced mothers talking to me about being pregnant.  It turned out to be a great conversation starter and made me feel comfortable in the group.  Oh, and there were 3 poly couples at this party and 2 additional poly people that were there "solo", only in the sense that they were not accompanied by a primary partner as the couples were.  I'd say that made maybe 1/3-1/2 of the attendees poly.

Today...  ah, well, today was a different story.  I am thankful to have the opportunity to vent about this on my anonymous blog as it is directly insulting to my family.  Oh, where do I start?  First of all, I intentionally show up late as I've learned that it helps to minimize the amount of time I feel awkward and stressed.  I can blend into the crowd right away and hide.  The weather was nice and everyone was in the back yard as I arrived.  I come in through the gate and I am instantly bombarded with small children who want to pet the dog I brought to visit with my niece.  Soon, I a have my first awkward encounter.  My ex-step-father is standing in the doorway to the house, completely filling it and just standing there.  I have to ask him to move so I can put my gift inside.  I no longer speak to this man except at occasions like this.  I say no more than I must to get by socially.  Several years ago, he threatened me vaguely over the phone and I ended all relations with him at that time.  I will not reconnect.  I don't hold a grudge, but I don't need that in my life.  At these events, I walk a fine line of communication that sends a clear signal of what I am willing to give.

The party gradually filters inside and I take stock of the attendees.  The kids are mostly younger than my niece with a much younger set of parents.  Many of them want to talk to me about being pregnant.  I have little interest in this, but I try to be conscious of my age-bias and attempt to be friendly.  One of them says to me, "I just hate how tiny you are!"  I reply, "Thank you?" This mother would prove to be a real piece of work by the end of the party and that was my first taste of her personality.  Actually, let's go ahead and talk about Miss Thing for a moment.  She is approximately 20-21 years old.  She has 3 children, the two oldest are 10 months apart and probably about 2 and 3 years old, both boys.  The youngest was a baby girl, maybe 6 -8 months old who spend most of the time I saw her in the car seat.  The boys were eating candy the entire time.  She kept telling them, "No more candy" while doing nothing to stop them.  She didn't take away the candy they had.  She didn't put the candy out of reach.  Her words were empty and without consequence.  Eventually, she put the baby in the car seat and propped up a bottle for her, never checking back to see how she did with it.  I watched her lose the nipple and quickly maneuver it back into her mouth.  Good kid.  Near me, one of the toddler boys grabbed a bottle of beer and took a big swig.  Across the room, someone notices and hollers out, "Hey, that little boy has a beer!"  Miss Thing takes the beer away and says, "You can't have that!  A sip is okay, but not a whole drink!"

WHAT.  What?  WHAT!  what.

Can someone please explain to me why a 2 year old needs to know what beer tastes like and why you are announcing at a party that you allow your toddlers the occasional alcoholic drink?  He was clearly not put off by the taste so I doubt this was the first time.  This was when I decided that I really didn't like her.  The party was wrapping up now and some people leave.  I've noticed that one of the young moms has had her little girl, who is at crawling age, on her lap or within arms reach the entire time and I decide that I can have a nice conversation with her.  While this is going on, people start lighting up cigarettes in the house.  From now until the time I leave the party, there are at least 2 cigarettes burning in the room with me.  No one asks.  No one politely goes to the basement to smoke or outside where it's not even cold.  Funny thing is, the male smokers did not smoke around me.  It was only women and mothers themselves.  Really?  I send my brother across the room to retrieve my hoodie from the direct line of contamination.  This is when I start planning my escape, but I had waited too long.

Soon, everyone disappears downstairs to partake in a different sort of smoke.  Apparently, a child turning 4 is an occasion suitable for illegal drug use.  (I am not opposed to the use of certain illegal drugs, but I have issues with being left responsible for other people's children while they use.  I also have this crazy idea that maybe it's not a good idea at a child's birthday party.)  I am left upstairs with the one responsible young parent, my teenage brother and everyone's kids.  No one asked me to watch them.  No one asked me if I minded.  I'm 33 weeks pregnant and suddenly responsible for a small day care.  Car Seat Baby was placed in front of the TV and the candy-coated toddler boys were left to wander.  I stopped my niece from giving the baby small choking hazards and from weaving a balloon string through the toys of the baby's car seat.  I got to practice my mom voice on the Candy Twins when they attempted to wander upstairs.  They listened.  I chatted with Responsible Young Mom and did the minimum necessary to keep these children alive.  I really wanted to bathe the Candy Twins.  Their candy coated skin had attracted circles of dirt on their faces and hands.  They were filthy.  Eventually, everyone returns to the main floor and I start making moves towards the door.

At one point, my niece's grandmother  visits my side of the room with a lit cigarette hanging from her mouth.  She's putting my niece's coat on and asks me to zip it so she doesn't have to "bend over and get smoke in the baby's face".  I was too polite to say, "What about my face, bitch?  I can't walk up a flight of stairs without stopping halfway and you are polluting my air." and was content to know that I would be leaving very soon.  I grabbed my stuff, leashed the dog (who I had been watching more closely than Miss Thing had been watching her children) and started saying my goodbyes.  Then I see why my niece was being prepared for going outside.  Miss Thing's Baby Daddy has arrived with a toddler sized Spongebob Squarepants bounce house.  It inflated quickly.  I quickly note that it is not staked down and that there is a fair amount of breeze.  I turn to my mother who is drunk and high.

"You know those things are supposed to be staked down?  I've seen some horrible videos on the Internet of them flying through the air with children inside of them."

"Brazen, You are scaring me!"

"It's pretty breezy out here.  I'm leaving before I have to do CPR on any kids." And with that, I took my leave of the situation and washed my hands of all responsibility for other people's children.

Two birthday parties.  One thrown and attended by practicers of a "radical" lifestyle.  One thrown by my sister and attended by her other young mother friends.  One was a loving and safe environment for children and enjoyed by adults alike.  One was a hot mess that stressed me out for fear of the safety of children and blatant irresponsibility of most of the parents there.  There were exactly 3 adults at that party that had any right to be trusted with a child.  Only one of them was actually a parent and she needs new friends.  Just another reason why I've become a firm believer in building a family of choice.  My family of chance is cray cray.  Now if you'll excuse me, I feel like I need a flipping nap after all of that!  

Fisting During Pregnancy

Perineal massage is an often discussed technique believed to reduce the risk of tearing during delivery.  It makes sense that stretching your tissues consistently would make them more compliant and therefore ease childbirth.  If perineal massage may help, then why not fisting?  

I googled "fisting during pregnancy" to see if I could find out more.  I was hoping to find some anecdotal stories, but also some techniques.  Most of the results are links to old threads on various pregnancy forums.  These threads are ripe with sex negative reactions to fisting.  Below are some examples.

Ouch! I think I'd rather take the chance on tearing, thank you very much! LOL

You mean... fisting as in fist?? so...yeah..i dont think so..wow lol!

ya......no thanks.  that doesn't sound appealing AT ALL.  for those of you wanting to know what fisting is, well......it is having your SO use there fist all up in you.   not good.

Sorry No I do not fell like being Punched in the cervix from both sides or have DH punch Lexie! It would be pointless any way I am having a C! Why would some one tell you that lol??

Haha, the only time something that big is going to go in OR out of me is when my son is born and comes out. The end.
Heck NO!!! I wouldn't want to stretch out my v-jayjay anymore than I have to. What if your baby falls out afterwards?!?

I was going to avoid this post... BUT I would just like to suggest that everyone just ignore this crap.
Seems like the tweens are back to rile up pregnant women's hormones. No woman would suggest fisting as a "fun" way to prepare for labor.
Be smart ladies. Ignore or report.

I'm really not trying to sound like a bitch, but are you being serious??!
If you are being serious (and again, I'm not TRYING to sound like a bitch) I always thought that fisting was just some weird fetish that lesbians messed with... but uh... I guess whatever floats your boat?

Woman have been birthing babies for a few years now, so I wouldn't be too worried about having to be fisted...

How can you possibly get sexual pleasure from fisting!  Oh my gosh, that sounds horrible!  I am so going to tell husband it is a requirement just to see the look on his face!  hahaha.

 she just had a freaky deaky fetish. thats nasty. the only thing that big that is supposed to ever be in the hoohaw is baby. or perhaps an very large penis. fisting is so gross.  

She said the vagina will eventually stretch enough to fit the hand....I don't want my vagina to be big enough to fit an entire fist!! There are surgerys to correct vaginas like that!

Much like many women's immediate response to anal sex, everyone assumes that anyone who is into it is perverted and that it is always painful.  It is beyond them to believe that someone would be drawn to fisting because it feels good.  The responses range from incredulous disbelief to downright disgust and denial so fierce that they are convinced someone made this up to mess with them to homophobic misunderstandings.  For every ten to fifteen of "ewwww" type responses, there was one good anecdotal story on fisting during pregnancy.  Some included a description of how you go about it, though most posts after that still had the general response of "not for me!".

I can certainly understand an aversion to a sexual practice that you believe will be painful.  I had the same response to anal sex for many years and only continued to learn about it and try for the sake of my husband.  The first time it happened successfully and I found that I enjoyed it was a huge surprise.  It just wasn't in my realm of thinking that it could actually feel good.  Our sex negative culture had me believing that all women fake pleasure from anal sex and that we all just try to get through it to make our SO's happy.

I have a harder time understanding why pregnant women are so dismissive to the idea of fisting when they are perfectly okay with a giant baby head, shoulders, arms, torso, etc... creeping out of their vaginas.  I also find it sad that they all assume that it HAS to be painful.  The idea that it could be pleasurable when performed in a safe and loving environment does not occur to them at all.  It's the sex negative culture again, of course.

Well, fisting is something I intend to work on with my partners (as much as each are willing) as this pregnancy progresses and I hope it will help me to deliver without tearing.  (No tears=faster healing with less pain=more sex sooner after delivery!)  I had my first full fist experience with this tonight with my husband.  Like many things that happen between us in our sex lives, this one happened organically and unexpected.  We were playing around with some mutual masturbation foreplay and I said, "See how much you can fit inside me..."  Slowly and with lots of lube, he filled my pussy with his sexy hand.  I know I've mentioned before that I find hands to be a huge turn on.  Hubby has long slender fingers and small knuckles on his big hands.  We started laying side by side on the bed and I stroked his cock while he played with my pussy.  Since I couldn't see what he was doing, I had no choice but to lay back and focus on the sensation.  At 25 weeks pregnant, my belly is too large for me to see much of what is going on down there at this point.  The sensation was intense, just a little painful, but in a way that I enjoyed.  I knew that I was getting more into my pussy that I every have before and I the feeling of knowing that was a turn on in itself.  It's especially empowering knowing that the work of labor and delivery is ahead of me.  This feels like something I can do to help prepare.  It's quite the feeling of accomplishment to have such a mass inside of me and know that not only did I get it there, but that I enjoyed the process.  It makes me feel like an orgasmic birth is actually possible.  Again, at this point I had no idea how much of his hand was inside of me, just that it was more than I had every taken in before.  Slow movements back and forth and circular motions made me come easily.  After a while, he withdrew his hand and I asked him to show me how much he had inserted.

"Um, my fist was in your pussy." He responded and offered to take a video of it so that I could see.  I climbed down from the bed and got my trusty iPhone (so versatile!) and an alternate lubricant.  This time, I laid on my back (not completely flat, of course, can't compress that vena cava with my uterus now) with him between my legs.  He again inserted his hand inside of me, slowly, this time while filming a 2:15 video so that I could see what it looked like.  Having the slight exhibitionist act of performing for myself as well as the knowledge that his whole hand was being inserted inside me made it even more pleasurable.  I think the position helped as well as he had more control of where he could move his hand.  I came again.  He later described how that felt on his end.  It felt like a really strong toothless mouth sucking sexily on his whole hand.  After just enough time to get the whole process on video, he withdrew and asked me to smile at the camera before turning it off.  Then we fucked.  The positions we can use are getting more limited by my growing abdomen monster, but the side lying position with him behind me works well still.  I can still lay on my back, tilted to one side, as long as he doesn't lay over me and put pressure on my belly.  He was a little apprehensive about being able to please me with his cock after having filled my pussy with his whole hand, but he had no reason to fear.  Having been so recently so deeply penetrated made me more sensitive to him than usual.  It seemed like I could feel the nuances of his penis better than I normally can.

After the sex, we played back the video.  We got about halfway through before an incoming phone call from a friend interrupted the viewing.  This lead to us having to quiet our giggles before I could answer the call.  Later, when we were able to give the video our full attention, I found myself getting turned on watching myself penetrated like that.  It's definitely an activity I want to engage in more frequently, especially as the pregnancy progresses into the third trimester.  I intend to attempt to recruit my boyfriend into participating in this as well.  Anything to help things stretch and build confidence in what my body can accomplish sounds like good preparation for childbirth.  I intend to bring this up as a question in our childbirth classes, but I'll place it under the unassuming header of "perineal massage" to get some opinions on it.  As for my doctor, I have an appointment next week and I will ask him about fisting directly.  We've already told him about our open relationship and he didn't bat an eye, so much so that my husband doubts he understood us correctly.  Having a gay man for an OB doc really builds my confidence about sharing such things.

My Pregnancy Super Power is Squirting. It's ridiculous. Seriously.

I've been a squirter since I became sexually active.  The first time it happened was with my loser high school boyfriend who said, "I think you peed." Since I didn't really know what happened, my only argument in response was "It doesn't smell like pee."

Anyway, it tends to happen during sex once in a while.  Usually it comes along with a really strong orgasm, but not with every really strong orgasm.  Certain positions and clitoral stimulation along with penetration make it more likely to occur.  I don't always feel it when it happens and I can't usually predict it. 

Since I've hit the second trimester of this pregnancy, I squirt like a crazy person.  I mean, copious amounts of fluid...  Soaking through layers... Squirting out against my boyfriend with enough force that small droplets ricochet back in my face.  I slept in the middle of the hotel bed last night because the one side was soaked through to the flat sheet.  There was also a large wet spot on the floor next to the chair.  I could feel it through my socks when I walked across it.  Seriously.  Those poor hotel housekeepers have no idea how much body fluid I left behind in that room.  I should have bagged the sheets in biohazard bags.

I can also feel it more.  I feel it when it happens.  I can feel when it's going to happen... sometimes.  I'm going to use this to try to get more in tune with my body so I can better feel when it's going to happen and maybe gain some control over it.  Right now, there's not much that I can do about it other than knowing the activities that make it more likely.   

I could assume that the increased awareness of the occurrence and the increased occurrences of squirting themselves are a result of the increased blood flow to my genitals.  Vaginal lubrication increases with increased blood flow, as more fluid travels out of the blood and through the tissues with the increased capillary pressure of more blood.  Since increased blood flow also causes increased sensitivity of the genitals, these two mechanisms could be working together to cause the increased frequency of ejaculation.  I come harder from the increased sensitivity and there's more fluid there to squirt.  It's also possible that the increased blood flow and pregnancy hormones have caused growth of the glands that are responsible for female ejaculation, but I'm just speculating.  I have to do more research.

There's so little information out there on female ejaculation as it is, the only sources I can find for this during pregnancy are on pregnancy message boards where other women mention it happening to them.  I haven't been very good about reading my pregnancy books, but I doubt they mention it in there.  I'd love to learn more about this.

  

My experience with CVS (chorionic villus sampling)

Damn, my sexy blog has been overtaken by unsexy things lately, but since this is the most honest and heartfelt thing in my life right now, that's how it has to be.  I promise I'll bring the sexy back when I can. 

This morning I went in for an early appointment first thing after work and had chorionic villus sampling performed.  Some sort of genetic testing is pretty standard in my family, but I am the first that I know of to choose CVS.  Before me, everyone else had amniocentesis.  I'm a rebel, choosing CVS.  There are probably several reasons for this.  CVS has a slightly higher incidence of miscarriage and a small window in which it can be performed.  Luckily, I was referred to the genetic counselor early on and all testing options were available for me.  I chose CVS mostly because I wanted the results as early as possible for making decisions regarding the pregnancy.  If my anomaly exists in it's unbalanced state, it's not compatible with life in any example that I'm aware of.  Therefore, I've always known that I would terminate rather than risk giving birth to a stillborn baby or a live child with here before unknown birth defects.  With termination on the table, early results are important.  All of that said, more than likely everything is fine or I never would have made it this far into the pregnancy.

This is how my CVS procedure went down.  I was greeted by the same super nice ultrasound tech that I had seen exactly a week before.  She did a quick ultrasound to make sure everything was still looking good and to see where everything was.  At first Sketch was still, but after a little probing with the transducer, it started wiggling.  It put a hand out and waved at me!  She got a really good pic of just it's little frog legs and pot belly.  It's pretty strange looking.

Oh and in case I had any vague hopes of staring really hard to determine sex organs from this crotch shot...  I give you the following graphic from this site: 

Then she went over the procedure and had me sign the consent form.  The consent form had funny statements on it such as "I understand that the results of this procedure do not guarantee the birth of a normal child." but it was also reassuring in that the risks were all stated but you were reminded how rare the complications are.  This was good as the possible complications had become a bit built up in my mind.  Seeing the actual statistics in front of me was grounding.  She brought up blood type, which my doctor forgot to fax over.  I confessed to being A negative knowing that this would buy me a Rhogam injection.  Since there is a small risk of me coming into contact with the fetus's blood type during the procedure (normally this is separate and protected until delivery) there is a chance that I could develop antibodies that would attack the fetus if it has Rh positive blood.  Rhogam keeps my body from developing those antibodies and wanting to destroy what it's creating.  (What say you, believers in Intelligent Design?)  Knowing that Rhogam was in my very near future was anxiety producing as I vaguely remember them talking about how painful it is when I was in nursing school.  Ugh.

Moving on.  I got to strip from the waist down and cover with a sheet while the ultrasound tech talked to the doc.  He came in and asked if I had any questions.  I can't say he was warm, but he was very professional, which I appreciate.  He also didn't show his annoyance when I waited too long to mention my latex allergy.  Oops, probably should have mentioned that before you got yer sterile field started.  Sorry!  So the tech left to scrounge up some non-itch-inducing gloves and that was the biggest hold up.  The speculum was big and it was cold (you can't warm up a speculum on a sterile field so I forgive them).  He swabbed my cervix and then inserted the catheter and I could see it on the ultrasound.  As it crept up through me at times I felt nothing, at other times I felt some pressure.  The doc explained everything as it went.  He told me when he was going to attempt to obtain the sample.  They do this with suction, not a needle.  I felt no different during this part, but I could see the bits of placenta going through the catheter on the ultrasound.  It was cool.  At this point, the doc has to walk away and check the sample under the microscope to see if it's a quality sample.  Did I mention that you have to keep a full bladder during the procedure so they can see better?  The whole time this was going on I was looking forward to the best pee ever.  Talk about awkward.  I'm naked from the waist down with a light shining on my lady parts which are stretched open with a cold metal speculum.  I have to pee like you couldn't believe and I've got to chill while doc looks at the placenta bits under a microscope and makes sure they are the placenta bits he was looking for.  This was also the best part.  The tech was watching the fetus to make sure it was okay after the procedure.  She rechecked the heart rate and then we just watched it for a while.  It was a  nice distraction from all the very undignified things that were going on below my belly button.  I just watched it floating and wiggling while I waited. 

The doc came back and announced that the sample was good.  Hooray!  They will try up to three times for a good sample, but luckily they got it with one pass.  He reminded me that it takes 10-14 days for results because they are looking at my specific chromosomes and not just counting them to see if they are all there.  I wonder just how much they get back on the report.  I intend to ask my OB/GYN for a copy of it.

The Rhogam injection sucked.  It's a rather big IM injection.  It stings.  It's the only time I had to reach for my husbands hand.  I stick people with needles all the time.  I have tattoos.  I used to have my tongue pierced.  I still get nervous when the needles are pointed my way.  
That was it.  She went over where to send my results and confirmed that it was okay to leave a message with the results.

Compared to the hysterosalpingogram it wasn't much different.  The basic premise was the same.  Speculum, catheter through the cervix... one was shooting stuff in and one was sucking stuff out.  But in practice and feeling, they were not that different.  The after care instructions aren't that difficult.  Nothing inserted into the vagina for 5 days.  (They didn't say no orgasms!  I have my ways!) No tub baths or swimming.  This is to allow the mucous plug to close up again and to prevent infection in the meantime.  No straining or heavy lifting for 48 hours.  Call my doctor if I get a fever or flu like symptoms.  Some spotting and light bleeding is normal and about 40% of women have some after the procedure.  I've had some very light spotting as of tonight.  Overall, it was much less scary than I had built it up to in my mind.  Still, I'm glad that hubby was able to make arrangements for work and to be there with me.  It made a big difference.

So that's it.  CVS wasn't that big of a deal and now that I've done it, it sounds less scary than an amniocentesis.  I mean, a needle through my abdomen through the muscular uterus sounds way worse than going through an already existing hole (os, if you are med-term savvy) with a soft catheter and sucking up some tissue that has no nerve endings.  Hopefully, I will have no need to compare the two.  

How I Turned My Pregnant Outburst Into A Healthy Sexual Activity (And Made My Husband More Likely to Continue to Tolerate Me)

So this morning I scheduled my genetic testing appointment.  (If you hang on through the following description, I promise you a sexy story!)  Tomorrow morning, they are going to stick a needle up through my vag, past my cervix, into my uterus and insert it into my placenta.  From there, they will collect a small amount of cells that should determine the genotype of this little human I'm incubating.  I chose this method, CVS or chorionic villus sampling over the alternative, amniocentesis, because it can be done sooner.  This is important in my case because I know that if the fetus is carrying the unbalanced translocated chromosomes that it's more than likely not compatible with life and therefore I will terminate the pregnancy.  When termination is on the table, it is better to do this earlier rather than later.  Since it takes two weeks to get results from either method, it puts you much further into the pregnancy before you get the information to base your decision on.  The earliest an amnio can be performed is at 16 weeks.  That would put me at 18 weeks at the earliest before I could make the decision and follow through to terminate.  This would also put me smack dab in the middle of the Christmas season to kill my broken fetus, if it were to come to that.  It is also important to me that a decision be made before I start to feel the thing moving.  I don't want to feel the fetus wriggling around knowing it was on death row.  I'm a strong person and I've always known that termination was a possibility for me, but lets make it as easy as possible, shall we?  In addition, the sooner the procedure is performed, the less overall risks there are to my health.

This is heavy stuff.  I'm a bit anxious about this.  Because of the timing of the appointment, I'll be going alone.  I expect that the procedure itself won't be much different in practice compared to the hysterosalpingogram I had in January, so I'm not too worried about that.  I am however, nervous about the 1 in 200 risk of miscarriage and facing that after working 12 hours and getting little sleep.

When my husband approached me in the way that says, "I expect sex now." I kind of freaked out.  My anxiety and tiredness and pregnancy hormones sent me into a tirade which ended with me in the shower after yelling that I would be sure to fuck him.  While in the shower I unpacked and aired my anxiety and what it is really related to and came up with a good solution.  Since it seems a poor idea to have sex this morning, less than 24 hours from the CVS, I offered to suck his cock instead.

He was skeptical.  I told him to watch porn while I did so.  He reluctantly agreed.  I knelt in front of him at his computer and he watched a vanilla amateurish porn of man and a big-titted blonde woman.  This was not a very long blow job.  I found myself relaxing and getting turned on as I did my thing.   The subservient and submissive aspect of it turned me on.

It's a simple thing, but it was new to us and it was fun.  It also helped me make up for being a raging irrational misdirecting bitch a few minutes before.  And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why sex is important for marriages.

Whatever happens with the pregnancy, I will blog about it here.  If termination becomes something we face, this blog is the only outlet I have to discuss it publicly.  In my profession, I would be judged harshly and I draw the line at what I will put myself through.  However, I will always be open and honest in this forum.

I'll Believe It When I See It. Or Not.

Most of the time, I don't really believe that I'm pregnant.  We tried for so long and I really started to imagine my life without a family.  This would have been okay, really.  I can picture it.  I had walled off the part of me that wanted it so badly, knowing that it may never happen.  Now I have to reconnect with that part of myself and start imagining myself as a mother. 

I had another ultrasound today.  This one changed my due date, moving it forward by about a week.  When I laid down on the table for the ultrasound, I half expected there to be nothing there. 

"Haha!  Got you!  You're not really pregnant, it's all in your head." I would climb down off the table and say "Good one, guys, you thought you had be going, but I never really believed it."  I wouldn't even cry.  To think that there is nothing growing in me right now is more believable than what is really happening.

It's surreal feeling that there is a living thing inside of me, sucking away my life and changing my whole body around to suit it's needs.  As soon as the probe hit my belly, I could see the outline of the fetus.  It was immediate.  BAM! Baby!  It was larger than last time and it clearly has arms and legs.  It was moving.  This this is moving around inside of me and I can't even feel it.  Intellectually, I knew that my baby was already moving and kicking, but to see it in front of me on an ultrasound was something else entirely. 

Not even two weeks ago it was a peanut-shaped blob with a fluttery heartbeat center.  Now it is starting to look human.  I keep thinking about this ultrasound like what I saw is in the past, but this thing is inside of me all the time.  Right now, as I look at the pictures, it is in there, kicking. 

I can't think about this too much or I will cry.  I almost started crying going through a box of maternity clothes that a friend loaned me, just because it was so nice of her to do so!  I want to call my mother and tell her that I love her. (This is highly uncharacteristic.  I am not close to my mother.) I want to listen to Christmas music.  I want to talk to my dead Grandma like she can hear me.  I want to talk to my baby like it can hear me.  I'm losing hold of my firm grasp on reality and logical nature.  I do not, however, have an urge to pray so I know I'm not completely losing it. 

How I feel right now is much how I felt when my grandma died.  I couldn't feel it at first because it was too big.  I have to adjust myself to take it in and it has to get smaller, less risky.  It's weird that a grievous event and a supremely happy one are so similar.  I never thought I'd have these emotions and now I don't know how to feel them.  When I think about the future and actually holding our baby, my mind drifts around and can't settle on it.  If I do start to form the picture, I am instantly overwhelmed and unable to allow it to focus. 

This is what is going to happen.  We are going to have this baby and we are going to feel the happy emotions I thought I'd never feel.  The thing kicking around inside of me is the proof.  I just don't fully believe that it's there.    

In other news, Hubby and I settled on a nickname for our unborn wiggly nugget.  "Sketch"  It's just a Sketch right now, it's not finished.  I voted for Space Invader, but he thought that was too long.  Peanut is too common.  And so, I have a Sketch inside of me.  Getting closer and closer to completion.  I guess at some point I'll give birth to an oil painting.

Pregnant and Poly

Hubby and I are about to have some huge changes in our life.  About 3 weeks ago, my period was late by a few days.  I didn't think much of it as they are irregular and I was bloated and crampy and felt about ready to start.  I was also mildly nauseous, exhausted, had increased genital sensitivity and lubrication, and my breasts were more tender than they usually are.  Still, with 2 years of negative pregnancy tests behind me, I wasn't too eager to see another expensive disappointment stick.  In fact, when I took the test it was a sort of afterthought, I had to stop the stream and count on having enough urine left from my first pee to take the test.  The positive line showed up right away, but I didn't believe it.  I stared for a moment then handed it to Hubby, who was standing right next to me in the bathroom.  (Yes, we pee in front of each other.  We find that it neither adds nor detracts from the "romance" of our marriage.  It does make having one bathroom less inconvenient.)

"Um, this stick says I'm pregnant."  I said.  He looked at it, handed it back to me and walked out of the bathroom without saying anything.

Last Friday, we had our first appointment with the most awesome OG/GYN that there is.  We got to see our baby on the ultrasound.  It looked like a peanut, but the peanut had a heartbeat.  This means that from this point on, the risk of miscarriage is extremely low.  Things are looking good that an actual real life baby is in our future.

I've received two questions from the people that we've announced the pregnancy to that know about our open relationship/poly secret life.

Q. Is it Hubby's?
 A. Yes.  Since we require protection with all other partners and there have been no slip ups or breakages, I can be certain that the baby belongs to my husband.  This was an awkward thing I wished to avoid when becoming open and therefore fluid bonding with another partner was never on the table for me.

Q. So, will you continue to be...?
A. Open? Also, yes.  In fact, it's more important to me now than ever before that we work things out and continue our poly life.  Having families often makes people feel isolated and limits their adult interaction.  I want to minimize that as much as possible.  What better way than to maintain romantic relationships outside of the marriage.  Hubby is concerned with losing his freedom, why take another thing away that lets him feel free.

That said, I will not be pursuing any new relationships while I am pregnant.  Any hope I had at getting involved in the local BDSM scene is also on hold, even if Hubby's comfort level with it increases. (Who's going to tie up and pretend to abuse a pregnant woman?) I will maintain and enjoy my relationship with NMB, who is happy for us.  NMB's wife is very excited to get to be around a baby.  It adds a different dimension of support and interest that is nice.  Also, even though it's clearly a decent thing to do and he knew that this was a possibility, I can't help but be touched by the fact that NMB is totally fine with the pregnancy.  For someone who seemed to have a history of casual, no commitment simple relationships, sticking with me through something as complicated as the incubation and creation of a child seems big.  It feels good.  It is realistic to assume that I will see less of him as the pregnancy becomes more annoying and when the baby arrives, but knowing that he'll be there is a damn good feeling.  I can also look to the two of them for advice on parenting, meaning I will have extra support as a new mom.

Hubby is pursuing new relationships and maintaining one casual one.  I hope that he can find someone that he feels a strong connection with.  He feared that pregnancy would cause me to want to turn our relationship inward and that I wouldn't want him dating anymore if I got pregnant.  I am finally able to prove him wrong.  Here I am, hormones and all, encouraging him to date. 

And so here we are.  Having a child will add a new learning curve to our poly experience, but others have done it and we will too.  Being poly will add stress to our young family at times, but I also anticipate that having activities and adult relationships outside of each other and with the baby will be a huge advantage for us.  The adventure continues!