I Can See Your Warning Signs. You Might Consider Dimming Them

Speaking as a nurse with a limited psychiatric background, this message reeks of crazy and douchebaggery (It's a word now, The Oatmeal says so. Actually, I think that once it's been spelled out in hundreds of thousands of dollars it is officially a word. So there!)

Just take a gander at this gem and enjoy my commentary.

Hi... In trying to figure out how to talk to you. I generally edit bc I tend to go as far as I can in silliness...

I don't mind silly.  I'm wary, but open at this point.  I'm not turned off yet, he has a chance.

Anyhow if I was at target and I over heard you talking to someone similar to that which you write... And well... potentially think... Then I would think... " She's cool..."

Oh, okay, this is a creatively written message.  I can forgive the grammar and the overuse of ellipses, as I often overuse ellipses... 

I'd try to be sneaky and sneak a look... Then I would think... "my kind of hot..."

That's a compliment.  It's not terrible.  It's not great.  

I just moved to STL... There are a lot of cool things to do here... There are a lot of cool people to do here...

Here is the record scratching turning point.  Now I'm leery.  

But that's not a point as much as fun with wording. I would like to meet you for a $4 coffee or a $5 craft beer... And an opportunity to flirt... To hopefully arouse your interests...

Clever and cute wording there, but let's read on...

To well get your clothes off of you... I find that I get really confident once clothes are off...

What.

At that point i'm like "sweet now I don't have to worry about going too far... Now I can concentrate on her having the best and most orgasms ever". I'm a fan of giving.

Really?  You are going to proclaim to me in an opening message that you are going to give me the best orgasms ever?   That might work on someone who isn't having multiple fantastic orgasms all the time, but not on me.  I'm super happy that you are a fan of giving.  My husband and boyfriend are too and they've never had to proclaim this to me or anyone.  In fact, I'm going to take this as proper evidence that you are not good in bed.  Ladies and gentlemen of the blog-o-sphere did you catch the finest nugget of douchebaggery hidden inside these few sentences?  I'm using the word sentences loosely.  The finest nugget of douchebaggery is the fact that this guy thinks that once the clothes are off, he no longer has to worry about "going too far".  This sounds like date rape.  It's a bright red flag waving in the wind that says "DATE RAPIST: NAKED=CONSENT"  I'm concerned.  This makes me revisit his confidence in nakedness and question exactly what he means by confidence.  I'd delve further into it, but I don't know his real name to search for in the sex offender database.  Seriously?  This guy thinks I'm an idiot and I think he's an asshole. 

I don't keep score... But I think I have an over achiever complex with turning a lady out so to speak... I heard somewhere that it's because I used to be overweight. (they try harder). Which would explain why I never had a great BJ.

This is the part where I'm supposed to say, "I could give him a great BJ." and endeavor to prove myself right by scrambling to get to his cock as soon as possible.  Puh-lease!

I dated a lot of skinny women.

So...  am I supposed to be flattered that you are interested in my fat ass?  Fat chicks suck better cock?
Is this an approach like DK used and your secret attraction to "chubby girls" is supposed to make me feel special and let you come in my mouth?  I'm genuinely confused by this remark.  What is the purpose? 

Anyhow I'm worth a look. : ). If anything I'm really awesome at oral

Oh, you are worth a look alright.  You are worth a psychiatric evaluation and script for anti-psychotics, maybe a little therapy and behavior correction.  As for me, I'm still considering how exactly to respond to this, if I respond at all.  I don't want to be an Internet bully, beyond ripping him to shreds with his identity concealed on my anonymous blog that no one reads, but I do want to say something to him.  It's likely for the best if I don't do this.  I don't need to teach him to conceal his red flags.

This is the stuff that makes OkC so worth the experiment.  Well, and sometimes you get lucky and find NMB.  I guess I'm realizing just how rare it is to find that sparkly connection with someone you enjoy being around.  As frustrated as I am that dating seems to have stalled for me at the moment, I take solace in the fact that I have an ongoing secondary relationship that I enjoy and can count on to continue.  Not to mention Hubby, who told me several times at work last night that he would like to drag me off somewhere and do dirty things to me.  The abundance of psychos on OkC only serves to remind me to be appreciative of what I have.  I also have to remind myself that what I have is more than what most people have and I'm having it honestly and as openly as I dare.  It's making me a better person.  Which is something I will analyze in a future post.  

I Could Not Avoid the Awkwardness of This Date

I met a new guy last night.  Let's be simple and call him Argentina, since that is where he is from and that's a damn cool nickname.  Argentina speaks English very well, but has a thick accent that made it difficult for me to understand him.  This was not an insurmountable dating conundrum until you add in the fact that he is also hard of hearing.  I have a high pitched voice making it especially difficult for people with hearing difficulties to understand me.  The restaurant we chose was quite loud with background ambient noise.  Once all of these facts are considered, you will understand how difficult it was to communicate.

I honestly couldn't tell you much about Argentina.  I would have liked to ask more questions about where he is from, but he couldn't hear me well enough to accomplish this.  He was cute, boyish face, dark skin and dark eyes, black hair. 

The communication problems carried over into our orders as well.  Ordering two pizzas was the simplest solution, as we wouldn't have been able to communicate well enough to decide on mutual toppings.  Also, he doesn't like cheese.  I've never met someone who didn't like cheese.  I know people who can't eat cheese or choose not to eat cheese, but I've never known anyone who didn't like cheese.  His pizza came out with cheese.  Mine came out perfect. It was a deep dish with chicken, bacon and feta and it was fantastic!  They replaced his and offered the mistake pizza for free.  He declined.  I did not.  I got a free pizza to take home for my hubby this way.  He was very appreciative of that.

I was worried about how to end things gracefully, but once out of the restaurant I started walking towards my car and he walked with me.  We chatted awkwardly for a bit longer until he suddenly stopped and said he had to go the opposite direction.  One quick hug and a nice-to-meet-you later and it was over.  Whew.

I called NMB on my way home and we had our first phone conversation.  It was quite pleasant.  He'll be heading my way tomorrow night after his dinner with his in-laws.  I'm looking forward to it.

I Went to a Local Poly Event and This is What Happened

I went to a local poly event.  It's a group that meets monthly at a fantastic sex-positive coffee shop in Big City. Remember this guy?  He was there.  I tried to ignore it, but he was there.  He recognized me.  I recognized him.  I pretended I didn't make the connection.   He looked like he'd found the prize in the cereal box.  I tried to ignore this.  He was leering at me the whole time.  I tried not to look at his end of the table but every time I did, he was waiting to make eye contact with me.  I am not attracted to him.  I am utterly and completely creeped the fuck out.

The meeting was slightly awkward, but not terrible, except for the constant feeling of a stranger's unwelcome infatuation from across the table.  The people were nice, if a bit familiar with each other.  They tried to make me fit in by complimenting my appearance.  That Guy, as I hereby nickname him, tried to hold my gaze while he told me that I had on a very beautiful necklace.  It's a necklace that I like.  It was my grandma's (not the nice one).  It's a piece of costume jewelry and not something to be fawning over.  I thanked him.

Since I was seated in the middle of the table, I focused much of my attention at the opposite end of That Guy, so I didn't have to look at him.  This kept me from having to face the situation too much.  When the place closed and we all got up to leave.  I was formally saying goodbye to the new people I had just met, focusing on a group of folks from my Little City, and That Guy approached me.

"I just wanted to tell you how nice it was to meet you," he started as he held onto my hand longer than was necessary.

"Thanks."  I pulled my hand away from his creepy gentle grip.

"and how I'm already looking forward to the next time." He finished.  I was already looking somewhere other than his face.

"Oh. Okayyyy." I said as I awkwardly slipped away.

It's been hours and I still have the creeps.  I won't be going to another one of those meetings alone.   As NMB put it "and she never went to another meeting again."

Don't be That Guy at your local poly group or any group for that matter.  Just don't be That Guy.

Another OKC Message Gets Its Own Sarcastic Post

Hi sweetie, how about meeting a nice professional couple for threesum?

Barf.  Seriously.  Barf.  And they didn't even have a picture of themselves.  They had a photo of a distinct landmark of nearby Big City.  There are so many things wrong with this one-liner message that I can actually pick it apart even though it's so small already!

Hi sweetie

Don't call me that.

how about meeting

How about you talk to me like I'm a human being first?

a nice professional couple 

Why the fuck do I care that you are professional?  That's certainly not the most important trait I would look for in a couple to be a unicorn for.  Not that I am a unicorn for hire, ugh.  If you want to give me some information about yourself, try a picture.  K?  Thanks.

for threesum

You mean "for a threesome?"  I'm going to assume that's what you meant.  If you are asking for something like a threesome, I suggest you make the effort to spell it correctly.  Including the proper indefinite article is also a nice idea.

Better luck next time!  Excuse me while I go rinse the vomit out of my mouth.

Too Strong! You Are Coming on Too Strong!!

One of my favorite things about dating is that I get to take part in the social experiment that is online dating.  I think it's fascinating.  I'm going to continue to write about the terrible messages I receive.  This one deserves a post all of its own.  Now, before you read all of this, please note that my husband received a message just as long.  I may do another post on his, but I haven't read it yet.  I'll interrupt your reading with my comments.  Please, note the sarcasm.

Hi! I was just about to log off OKC for the night when I stumbled across your profile and realized I couldn't sleep if I didn't write to you first, it just wouldn't be right.

Where have you been all my life?

Seriously.

Wow.  Really?  That's your line?  I've been living my life, thank you very much.  I've been doing quite well without you and I will continue to do so.  I don't know you and it worries me that I'm already keeping you awake at night.

As it regards your new found self, I have just one quick thing to add:

Congratulations, and welcome to the world of the living! Where LOVE matters more than everything else! Even to the people who don't know it yet.

Ouch.  I didn't know I was dead up until now.  I thought I had a happy life, a fulfilling marriage and a job that makes me feel like I give something back, but I suppose that I was wrong about all of that and that it takes non-monogamy to make me alive.  Ugh, this reminds me of people who act like you don't really understand a thing about the world until you've pushed a screeching infant from your vag.

It's possible that I am too sleepy to be writing right now. Still, I *had* to say "Hello". Hello!!

Oh good.  I'm glad we clarified that we are talking now.  From the looks of it, we have a long way to go before you say goodbye.

I have so many questions I'd like to ask you, I'm not sure where to begin. I suppose one question might be that your profile says you are trying to have children, but also open to dating outside your marriage right now. My primary partner Kate and I are in a similar boat, and I am grappling with some intense trepidation over the thought of her getting pregnant by someone who isn't me. I'm coping, but I wonder if you and your husband have some insight on that issue. What are your thoughts?

This is the only thing I thought about replying to in all seriousness.  My answer is this: condoms.  Duh.  In the event of condom failure, E.C.  For my husband and I, however, we discussed the risks and if I get pregnant and someone else is the father, we will raise the baby like our own and it makes no difference.  

Also, unicorns DO exist, we were blessed with one for a while. It's pretty cool.

 Oh, good for you.

On the upside, I'm not a guy who writes you a message that says "lol, u r hot, lol, wanna hookup? lol" I hate getting those messages myself. It only gets worse if I look at the writer's profile and conclude they couldn't spell Ph.D. if I spotted them the first two letter.

Nope, your a guy who writes me a really long creepy message welcoming me into his life who also bothers to point out that he didn't write me a stupid message full of netspeak and idiocy.  I think I could judge that on my own, thank you, but I'm glad you pointed that out just in case. 

On the down side, I'm so mesmerized by your writing all I can think is, "hey, let's spend time together intelligently discussing the awakening you are experiencing and the rabbit hole you are planning to explore." When I know I should be asking much more about YOU. I'm sorry. It's late and I'm very tired.

Only one downside?  Okay, so he wants to talk to me.

On the bright side, my girlfriends are going to love you! None of them are here to rescue me from my bad writing right now, though, so I think I better just stop myself.

Wow,  I'm glad to know I'll be welcomed into your poly family with open arms by your multitude of girlfriends.  My fear of rejection by them may have held me back up until now.

I look so forward to hearing back from you and learning more about you! What more would you like to know about me?

Sincerely

That Guy (name changed to protect the creeper, he earned himself this nickname here)

Well, sir, here's what I would like to know about you....  Exactly how long have you been without sleep?  What psychiatric medications are you currently taking?  Has anyone ever told you that you come on too strong?  A nice long message is good, but this shit is intimidating!  Did you notice that my husband is straight when you sent him the long ass message?  Were you hinting that you have a Ph.D when you talked about other people's inability to spell it? 

I guess I'm kind of a cunt for taking this guy's sleep deprived, well intentioned message to my blog and sarcastically picking it apart.  I'm sorry.  I'd already done it in my head.  So, I may as well share it with the world.

The Worst Message I've Recieved on OKCupid Thus Far

I've received many terrible messages on Cupid.  In fact, I'm compiling a longer, more detailed post that collects them and divides them into categories.  Bad grammar aside, this message is the one that made me feel the grossest.

 

There are so many problems with this that I don't even know where to start.   From an entire page of information about me that I put serious effort into, the only thing you could thing to ask me about was my body type?  I'll just borrow from Seth and Amy here and say REALLY?!  I mention movies, books, games, activities, music and so many other things that I enjoy and the only thing that interests you is to make sure you understand my body type. 

The initial message made me angry.  The following three made me livid.  He was a dick to begin with, then he laughed at my anger and made light of it.  Then he attempts to change the subject and finally attempts to convince me that he's not like other guys and he's good at conversing.  Apparently, I need schooling on what good conversation is because I can't pick it out when I see it.  Apparently good conversation doesn't include apostrophes, correct spelling, punctuation or any real effort.

Go to hell Douchie McGee.  Sad thing is, I probably don't have to wish you luck on Cupid.  Some stupid woman is going to love your demeaning attitude and latch onto you.  I am not that woman. Make like a tree and leave, sir.

Making Out and Getting Caught, High School Style

Tonight was my second date with a man outside of my marriage.  This guy, oh, I hope this doesn't make me sound like an asshole, but I've been referring to him as the Cute Jewish Boy or CJB for short.  I hope that's not insensitive.  I guess I'd have to ask him.  But then I would have to tell him that I've been calling him CJB, so that isn't going to happen.

The Scoundrel was honest (I think) and intense and there was a definite instant sexual attraction.  But there's also a Spidey Sense tingling...  CJB, on the other hand...

CJB is kind and genuine and polite.  He truly believes in what he works for and was interesting to talk to.  Too often, I have to dumb down my speech.  I'm told I use "too many big words" and I have to talk in a certain way in order to relate to certain people.  With CJB, I felt challenged to use the big words.  I like that.  He's serious and straightforward and passionate.  The few attempts at humor were deadpan, but funny.  I'm a bit goofier than he is, but it also may not be fair to judge that on a first date.

CJB is not from around here and is only here for a limited time.  So, like a fast food special, I need to get it while I can if I wish to try it.  There's something about that I find very thrilling.  Hubby commented that I'm approaching this much like a guy.  That's true.  I find I want to challenge myself and approach these situations like a conquest.  I want to be a bit naughty in a way I've never been.  So, yes, I want to be a little dude-like and the thought of a temporary fling with a definite end does something for me.

With that in mind, let me tell you how this date went.  When I originally messaged CJB on OkCupid, I did not expect to hear back.  He's very attractive, you see, and he had answered "no" to the "open relationship" question, so I didn't know if he would be interested.  Lo and behold, he responded.  We messaged back and forth for a while and he was agreeable to getting together, but left it up to me to pick a place.  I chose the local laser tag venue and he picked a restaurant.

The restaurant meeting was nothing but good conversation and a little getting to know each other.  He drove to the laser tag place where we played only 2 games and had 2 drinks.  During the games, he stole a few kisses before and after while on the course and in somewhat private areas.  Throughout it all, there is the possibility of being recognized. 

When he suggested we leave, I was surprised, but excited by this possibility so I agreed.  We made out in his car for a bit before discussing the next stage of the evening.

"Where should we go?"  He asked.

"That's a good question.  What do you think?"  I asked.

"You're asking me?  I've been here a week.  You're the resident expert."

I was silent for a while and then I thought of something.  There is a local famous landmark that I won't name, so as to not give away my location.  This place is technically closed at night, but is also amazing to visit at night.  It's ancient and magical.  You can see the nearby Big City skyline from the top and still see the stars clearly from this place.  You have to climb a lot of stairs to get to the top and once you are up there it is rather intense.

It was fucking cold outside and I had only brought a light jacket.

"I have an extra coat in my trunk if you would like to wear it." Said this chivalrous young man.  I accepted and he placed his warm extra coat around me and we climbed to the top of the mound.  At the top we made out for a while, until I pointed out that it was still fucking cold and we headed down.  Once back in his car, he cranked the heat.  He took my hands in his and blew on them to warm them up.  You know what?  That works.  Who knew?

Then the real stuff started.  I knew at this moment that whatever was going to happen on this first date, was going to happen right here, right now in this car in this parking lot of this park.  I was ready.  Making out ensued.  The double layer of jackets was clumsily removed and hands went over my bra.  A hand went up the back of my shirt to attempt to remove my bra, but it was a trick! 

"It's in the front." I said as I unclasped it.  Another man saw my tits for the first time in 8 years.  He played and eventually I started rubbing his cock through his jeans.  He undid his pants.  I knew he wanted oral, but I wasn't quite ready to go that far. 

"My hand is still cold."

"That's okay, it feels good."

"Can I make you come like this?"

"Yes."

Read that dialog again and insert some moaning and you'll have it about right.  With a course of action decided, I got to work.  (How could I let this poor boy go home without an orgasm?)  Then there was the bright flash from the road.

Wait.  Well, maybe it's nothing, a headlight from a turning car.  Nope.  That's a cop. 

Flash, flash, goes the cop.

Button, stuff, snap, zip went us.

The cop pulls in behind us.  Shit!  He was friendly and asked for our ID's.  He ran our names and returned our IDs.

"Listen, I hate to ruin your fun, but these parks close at night and you'll have to leave."  That was it.  We left.  Did the cop know that I'm married?  At this point, I really felt it was time to head home and I let the poor boy go home without an orgasm.  Dammit.  Oh well, we both said we'd like to do this again. 

The paranoid part of my brain (that needs a name) hopes that he truly likes me and isn't just horny, but really I just hope he'll make plans with me again. He does have other Cupid prospects, but he did seem to be enjoying the way I played with his cock, so hopefully that will weigh in.  He'll have his own place soon, somewhere that cops won't be patrolling, and we'll see what happens next time.