A Pang of Jealousy, Quickly Reasoned Away

For obvious reasons, I haven't written in a while.  There's not a whole lot to write about.  I'm in two stable long term relationships.  I work at least full time, often picking up extra shifts, and I have a child who is now nearly 9 months old. Things aren't all that exciting.  My husband isn't dating out of choice.  I'm not dating (as in anyone new) out of respect for his wishes and a lack of time.  My husband is a stay at home dad.

My dates with David (the clues are here, I'm tired of the code names) are simple.  I drive out to see him.  We eat.  Sometimes with his wife and sometimes not.  We hang out until his child goes to sleep.  We have sex.  It's easy.  It's comfortable.  It's fun.  Sometimes I miss going out, but due to the limitations of geography, it's difficult for us to go out and have sex.  I prefer to include sex in our dates.  I recently noticed potential plans to go out with someone else on his calendar and felt a small pang of the green eyed monster.  I thought, "Hey!  I'd like to do that! Why not me?"  Then all the obvious reasons struck me along with all of the great things I have in this relationship.

As time has gone on, I can only continue to marvel at the fortune I stumbled upon when I clicked on his profile and he decided to write me.  I'm not trying to inflate his ego when I write that, the two of us together make for a really great secondary relationship.  It might sound boring...  eating, watching stuff, fucking and cuddling...  but it's not.  It is comforting and fun.  So what that I don't get to go out with him right now.  I have a sub-one-year-old child, I don't get to go out, period.  I will again in the future.  What we have is so much more awesome than going out.

While I will occasionally think back on things we did in the past, I know that those things will come around again and in the meantime, I get some things I value more than spending money and drinking in public.  I stand by my statement that I prefer to fuck and cuddle than go out.  I can go out with my girl friends.  I can go out with my coworkers.  I can't get the Fuck and Cuddle treatment anywhere else, not with the Satisfaction Guarantee I have with David.  I get all of that with no conflict...  Sheesh.  The next time my brain tries to make me feel bad about any of this, I'm poking it hard with a sharp stick.  "Behave in there brain!  What's wrong with you!"

Do you really need to discuss these things before marriage? I don't think so....

This HuffPo article lists 35 things that you "absolutely must agree upon before marriage."  Some of the things listed are "Coke or Pepsi?" and "Cold pizza: yes or no?"

Do people get divorced over pizza and soda?  Or about how the toilet paper hangs off the roll?  Do relationships fall apart at the seams because one person likes roller coasters and the other doesn't?  Should breakfast for dinner be a deal breaker?  This list is preposterous.  If you are considering marrying someone, their preference for mayo or miracle whip probably shouldn't factor into it.  There is room for both in the fridge, really.  I don't have any studies to back this up, but I'm pretty sure sandwich condiment preferences don't predict successful relationships.

What is important is how you talk about these 35 things.  If you are considering marrying someone who refuses to have mayo in the house and demands that you learn to love miracle whip, that should be a deal breaker.  If you can't handle the remote being misplaced once in while, you should probably live alone, forever.  Maybe the point is to have practice conversations about little things that don't matter to gear up for the big ones.  I see some pretty glaring omissions.   I guess if you can have a serious conversation about the toothpaste cap then you can graduate to discussing things like shared bank accounts and kids.  That must be the author's intent....  nope?  Well, damn.  First of all, no one will agree on all of these things.  Second, if these things haunt your marriage, you are probably doomed and someone should speak instead of forever holding their peace.

Here are is a short and incomplete list of serious things I think you should talk about before marriage.

• Kids, duh.  
• Where to live
• Will anyone stay home?  Who will work?
• Money and debt. 
• To share a bank account or not? 
• If you don't like roller coasters, can I go ride them with my friends?  Me time and privacy.  Will you be allowed unlimited access to each other's Facebook or will you allow each other some privacy?
• Religion and it's place or absence in your lives. 
• Sex.  Make a yes/no/maybe list or at least a verbal one.
• Marriage counseling.  Agree in advance to go if things get tough in the future. 
• Whatever is important to you, not what some silly article says you should talk about. 

(I can't for the life of me figure out why it matters if my spouse likes cold pizza and I don't.  It's pizza.  He can eat it cold and I can eat it hot.  Modern kitchen appliances allow for great possibilities in this area.)  

Poly: Year One Analysis Part Two

I've already posted a retrospective of our first year experience.  Here I will discuss what I learned from what we did right.

We Approached It With Enthusiasm for Ourselves and Each Other
Truly, we had the best intentions for each other from the beginning.  I didn't want him held back from life experiences because of me.  We both wanted freedom and each other.  We both wanted to make sure the other one was comfortable with things before moving forward.  We were excited, maybe a little too excited, by the new possibilities that lay before us.  We had fun discussing things before we ventured forth.  The sex we had was always great, but the new level of openness between us allowed a new excitement and new experiences between each other.

Telling Our Friends and Some Family Created a Support Network
We weren't alone.  Having our closest friends and select family members in on the secret meant we could go to them when we needed to air things.  I love sharing stories.  If I had to keep all the NRE to myself at the beginning of things between me and NMB, I would have exploded!  At least sharing it with my friends kept my poor husband from bearing the full load of things.  When things went sour, people who knew about the open relationship also knew that we had gotten good experiences out of it. I could discuss the problems we were having without having to disclose the open relationship and having people immediately blame everything on poly.  "No, wait!  It's really what we both want, it's just gotten away from us!"

We Started With Rules, But We Renegotiated Many of Them Quickly and Easily
We started out discussing things like "No sex with others in our bed" and "No anal sex with others".  When these things became impractical, we renegotiated quickly and easily.  We kept communication open instead of holding fast to our rules.  Rules are a sensitive subject and one of those things experienced poly folk often criticize new poly folk for, but this is one area where we handled things the right way, I think.  Rules can be a tool to create comfort and build trust in the lifestyle.  Poly Man Whore had a post a while back stating that rules were proof that you didn't trust your partner.  Maybe so, but it also takes time to build trust in the poly lifestyle and learn the skills to make it work.  Rules can help protect you while you get there if you don't cling to them too desperately.

Initially, Our Communication Improved
As I previously touched on, we were all about sharing in the beginning.  We talked about a lot of what-ifs.  We shared sexual fantasies that we hadn't been completely open about.  We had always been fairly open about who we found attractive, but now we could be really honest without fear of hurting each other's feelings.  I could say to my husband, "I'd like to fuck that guy."  I'm ashamed to admit that I used to have some jealousy issues with him looking at porn.  Not that I had ever told him he couldn't, but it was something I didn't like to think about due to insecurity on my part.  This was quickly resolved when we started exploring being open.  A year later, we watch porn together and I'm mostly unfazed when he sleeps with someone new.  I found my compersion and I want him to have good experiences.

Meeting the Local Poly Group
This was one of the first things I did before we actually opened.  I looked up locals in nearby Big City and I went to a small social event at someone's house.  Meeting some people in the real world that make this happen gave me the confidence to move forward and give it all a try.  Without having had that experience, I would have been much slower to make moves.  After getting a good sample size of poly people who were nerdy, intelligent, interesting, well-educated, grounded and stable, I started to feel like it was possible to make it work in a way that I could live with.  (Side note: I'm glad I found the one poly group that I did first.  I went to one meeting of another group and the best way I can describe it is that it felt "cultish".  I may have walked away with a different opinion.  That group and it's vibe might work for other people, but it did not work for me.)

The Internet Was a Fantastic Resource
I read a lot.  When I was having a particularly difficult time with jealousy in the beginning, I did some Google searching and found More Than Two.  I can't recommend it enough as a free and comprehensive resource.  It's full of helpful tools.  The Internet lead me to the aforementioned local poly group.  The Internet gave us OkCupid and my boyfriend.  I continue to listen to the Savage Lovecast and learn more about other people's monogomish lifestyles.  I posted on r/polyamory when things got bad and reached out for the support of experienced poly people who like to write about it.  I used it to find the local poly group.  The books we read, The Ethical Slut and Opening Up were great, but the Internet gave us a searchable limitless database of other's experiences and lessons-learned.  Many people have noted that widespread access to the Internet has likely contributed to the growth of polyamory.  If I had not been exposed to the idea, I never would have come to it on my own.

Poly: Year One Analysis

These are some things I've learned over the last year.  They might not apply to everyone, but they are things that caught us by surprise.  Think of this as a list of where we went wrong and what I learned.

Unrealistic Expectations
When we were monogamous, we fell into this trap of believing that our commitment to each other was the only thing holding us back from relationships with others.  My husband had his crushes.  I had feelings toward male friends that I just knew would be reciprocated if things were different.  I had it in my head that me and my choice to be married was the only thing keeping me from exploring other relationships and my sexuality.  This was a silly fallacy that was quickly disproven.  My husband was shot down by crush after crush.  I was gently let down by my friend.  We had to remember that there are other factors outside of our relationship that we cannot control and that, as obvious as it should have been, there was not an army of potential lovers just waiting for permission to fuck us or love us.  Surely every new open couple goes into this with some level of unrealistic expectations, at least the ones that, like us, have been in a monogamous microcosm with strict guards against the outside world and a stunted emotional maturity when it comes to dating.  We had a lot to learn and one of them was the following bullet point.


Preparation for Outside Influences
Opening your relationship means more than sex and acceptance of emotions for others, it means opening yourself up to rejection.  Your relationship may be damaged by the unpredictable actions of others.  We were unprepared to weather this storm.  For my poly experiences, my emotions were not very negatively affected.  I have had mostly positive experiences.  My husband, however, has experienced a fair amount of rejection and one devastating break up that eventually resolved into a not-dramatic FWB relationship.  Again, being in a monogamous microcosm of two, you forget that other people can have a devastating effect on your confidence.  Just being emotionally available puts you at risk for rejection and you will get rejected in some form or another.  Other people are wildcards and they may turn out to be well adjusted, kind and not-crazy.  They may also turn out to be uncontrollable forces of destruction and ping about your life causing damage you never knew you were vulnerable to. Sometimes you can pick these people out right away and avoid a lot of drama.  If your partner lets them in, you have to weather the storm and be there for the one you love.  You also have to accept that you can't fix everything for your partner when something goes wrong.  This is going to sound really depressing, but your love might not be enough any more.  Or, as my boyfriend approximately said on this subject, it can be hard to accept that you are no longer the emotional center of your partner's life.

Coping with the Initial Excitement
We are warned about the potential consequences of NRE.  We are not necessarily warned about the NPE: New Poly Energy.  We both went a little crazy with our new freedom and excitement over a new lifestyle.  We told a lot of people.  We didn't always tell them the right way.  We told a lot of coworkers and we were lucky that this didn't backfire.

Becoming poly opened up the world for me in a new way, but I moved faster than my skills developed.  I felt like a teenager again and, at times, acted like one.  I made selfish moves.  I got swept up in the excitement of a new venture.  I was overconfident in some ways, and especially vulnerable in others.  I was emotionally immature and I've learned a lot about myself, other people, relationships (new and old) and dating.

Outside Sharing
This is an issue specific to our relationship.  I'm an open book.  I'm probably too open at times, as evidenced by this blog.  I'm certain that behind my back, I have been described as an over-sharer.  My husband keeps his cards close to his chest.  Busting open our Monogamous Microcosm (I'm coining that.  It's a phrase now.  I capitalized it, see?) made us feel vulnerable to outside criticism in a way that we hadn't dealt with before.  We both felt a certain amount of pressure to be a part of a fringe community that is critical of newcomers.  Yes, you are, Poly Community.  There's a lot of criticism of new poly people and how we handle things out there in the blog-o-sphere and the literature.  There's a lot of "you're doing it wrong" and we didn't want to be labeled as volatile new people and risky dates.  This is still a thing we're working on.  In fact, as I typed this paragraph, he walked in the door, noticed I was blogging and commented that he prefers to pretend this blog doesn't exist.

On the Subject of the Poly Community...
Additional note about the "your doing it wrong" vibe often directed at new poly people:  If you are a new poly person reading this, screw that.  Do what is right for your relationship.  I made some definite mistakes because I felt like I had to strive for this ideal put forth in poly circles.  That's crazy.  As my favorite nursing instructor used to say, "There are many roads to China."  Find one that works for you, don't feel pressured to follow the one that everyone says is right.  If something is making your partner uncomfortable, pull back and focus on that until they are comfortable again.  If you need a hierarchy to organize your relationships and make them function, then use a hierarchy.  If you need rules to feel safe, then use rules, just don't use rules to shut down communication.  If your partner tells you they need something and the new-poly-pressure tells you they shouldn't need that...  what the hell are you doing?  Give your partner what they need.  Don't get sucked into this idea that people are poly or they aren't.  Do what needs to be done to make it work for you.  I was skeptical of new-poly criticisms in the beginning and I still allowed for their influence to sneak into my psyche and I made mistakes that hurt my partner.  Don't get caught up in the idealism.  Find what works for you.  And it's okay to admit that things aren't perfect.  Guess what?  All relationships have problems.  Poly or not.  This is okay.

All this said, the individuals that I've met in my local poly community do not inflict this kind of pressured idealism.  This is more of a general feel on the Internet that we both became sensitive to.  In fact, the people I've spent time with in the local community have been nothing but warm and welcoming and supportive.  However, that's something I think we can all do a little better with.

Handling Jealousy: Your Mileage May Vary
Jealousy and insecurity are big ugly monsters when you are new to this lifestyle.  They are usually easily banished from the Monogamous Microcosm by following a few simple rules.  When you open your defenses and let them in, you have to cope.  We assumed that I would be the one to have a more difficult time with jealousy as I was the one of the two of us that had jealous upsets in the realm of monogamy.  My husband never felt jealous, but perhaps this is because he was never challenged to feel jealous.  Both of us were completely emotionally unprepared for how destructive this would be for us.  Poly literature acknowledges this difficulty, and gives you tools to deal with it, but nothing can really prepare you to be open to a new and terrifying emotion you probably haven't felt for years, if you've ever felt it at all.  From my first nuclear meltdown, I realized I could not predict how I would react.  Not only was I dealing with jealousy when my husband was sleeping with others, I had so quickly gotten involved in another relationship, I was also dealing with jealousy and insecurity in the new relationship.  This was new territory and it took time to navigate.  For the most part, my experiences with jealousy have become less intense over time.  I still have a weird little hang up about new sexual partners of my partners that I haven't completely unpacked, but as my security has grown and I've experienced this over and over, my negative responses have become easier to cope with.

Another important lesson that I've mentioned in a previous post is that jealousy cannot be banished with compersion.  You can feel compersion and jealousy at the the same time.  Compersion does become stronger as jealousy fades, but the two emotions can coexist.  You can feel happy for your partner and still hurt and feel insecure.  Don't expect to handle jealousy by making yourself feel more compersive.  It didn't work for me.

Know Your Resources
Know your resources.  Things are likely to get tough at times, as they will be in any relationship.  Don't wait for them to get bad.  Seek out your resources for emotional help.  Know your friends that will be accepting.  Know how you can obtain counseling and don't be afraid to use it.  We could have saved ourselves a lot of fighting and broken household objects if we had sought out counseling sooner.  We happen to have a limited number of free sessions available through our employers.  So far, counseling has cost us nothing monetarily.  If you have a similar program available to you, be aware of it and don't be afraid to use it.  If your family is a source of strength in your life, use them when you need to.  As I mentioned in my previous post, my dad's myriad of bad relationships lead to him giving me solid advice to fix mine.

Be Honest About the Flaws in Your Relationship
We started out thinking we were so very awesome.  I mean, we had a great marriage.  We talked things out, we rarely fought and when we did we worked it out.  We enjoy spending time together.  When I think back to our wedding, I get nothing but happy feelings.  When I look at the pictures of our wedding, I see how much we love each other and how excited we were to show that to the world.  We knew we could do this.  We could weather any storm.  We had easily survived things that makes other couples crumble.  We went into it with the right attitude, we wanted the other to have a richer and fuller life and the freedom to explore other people, emotionally and physically.

Instead of patting ourselves on the back for how awesome we were, we should have sat down and seriously analyzed what wasn't perfect about our marriage.  Becoming poly opened up a whole new emotional minefield that blew up some hidden and ugly truths that we were unprepared to deal with.  I didn't exactly realize this until we started seeing the marriage counselor.  We were happy, but we were not the epitome of perfect marriage and conflict resolution that we thought we were.  It turns out that our Monogamous Microcosm was protecting us from a lot of emotional work that we needed to be successfully poly.  Going forward, I will be more aware of this and focus on fixing things inside first.

Poly: Year One Summary

It has been long about a year since the husband and I opened our marriage.  We've come a long way.  I suppose I'll start this by summarizing our journey over the last year.

We started out with talking and reading.  We read books and talked about them.  We talked about who we wanted to sleep with and how we might handle that.  We talked about things we had held back on telling the other for fear of jealousy.  For example, my husband admitted to multiple crushes on many women that he's had throughout our relationship.  I admitted to having feelings for a close male friend.  We became closer in many ways during this time and it gave us confidence in the strength of our relationship going forward.

The turning point from hypothetical to action for me came after meeting a large group of local poly folk.  After realizing that there are people who make this work and that they are not crazy, it became a real possibility for me.  We continued to negotiate and eventually put up the profiles on OkCupid.

Then things started to get really exciting. We kind of lost ourselves in it for a while.  We told a lot of people what we were up to, carefully choosing the ones that we knew would be open minded.  We lost a friend who couldn't handle the idea.  Most of our friends were supportive.  We started to meet people and get excited.  He was encouraging me to sleep with someone and move things forward.

Then I met my boyfriend.  Of course, he didn't become my boyfriend for a few more months, but we slept together on the second date and the NRE behavior started after the first.  We texted in a ridiculous flurry.  We flirted and got to know each other.  I wasn't out to find a relationship.  I wanted to be a slut! Silly me, falling for the first new penis I see in 7 years.  There was still some other dating going on, but it became a little too time consuming for me to continue to seek out new partners.  Eventually, we put the title on things and I settled into having two relationships.

Meanwhile, the husband has not had the same happy experience that I have had.  He also lost a friend, one of few long term male friends that he had and someone he enjoyed working on creative endeavors with.  He went into the dating world wanting to find a girlfriend.  He ended up a slut, nearly quadrupling his lifetime sex partners in the first year of being open!  This has been fun for him, but not ideal.  The emotional impact of casual sex and dating has been costly.  I can now admit that I was so caught up in the positive impact on my life that I overlooked a lot of the negative impact on my husband.  I made mistakes.  Then I got pregnant.  Finally!  After 2 years of trying to conceive and starting to think it wasn't going to happen, there was a really dark line in the window that usually remained empty despite my staring and wishing.  Unfortunately, the pregnancy appeared at time my husband was attempting to renegotiate the terms of our marriage, including being poly and starting a family.  Things got rough between us.  Things got nasty.  We talked about ending our marriage.  On several occasions we told the other to leave or threatened to leave.  I haven't been completely forthcoming with a lot of this ugliness here as it was extremely difficult and I had no idea how things were going to turn out.  I didn't want my marriage to end and the embarrassment of "new poly problems" was an extra stress we didn't need.

Finally, when things had gotten so bad that I didn't think we could save them, we sought out counseling.  I had low expectations for it's effectiveness.  I feared my husband wouldn't go.  I feared he wouldn't like the counselor.  I feared that things were just over and there was no way back from our hurt feelings and pain.  I thought we were broken.  I thought he was broken.  I was wrong.  After one session, things improved between us.  They were certainly not perfect, but our house was not the war zone it once was.  I stopped making plans for a future as a single mom and I started focusing on fixing our marriage.  After just 4 sessions with our marriage counselor, we have new tools that we didn't know we needed.  We still have a long way to go.  We are still learning how to be together under new terms.  We still have the impending huge life change of having a baby and all the doubts and fears that come with that, but we are also happy to be around each other.  We enjoy each others company again.  We are more accepting of the other's flaws and better able to resolve conflict.  I love my husband, deeply and truly, and I'm so glad we're fixing things.

By the way, throughout all of this, my boyfriend has been pretty darn awesome.  He has been nothing but supportive.  He has given me a shoulder to cry on and evenings of respite when my home was not a comfortable place.  He has maintained his commitment to me despite my life becoming a bit of a mess.  He gave me a place of comfort and security during a difficult time without it being a threat to my marriage.  He's been tolerant of my moments of insecurity in the new relationship.  He's a good friend and a good lover.  I'm fortunate to have him in my life.  Finding someone with a shared sexual chemistry is difficulty enough.  Finding that person after a month of OkC dating and having them be not crazy and an awesome person... what are the odds?  My experience with poly could have been much different without him.  I love him and I feel good about loving him.

And while I'm being all sappy and appreciative of men that I love in my life, I also need to mention my father.  My dad knows about the open relationship.  Intellectually, he gets it, but knows that it would never work for him in his current marriage.  My dad's relationship history includes 2 divorces, lots of cheating and being cheated on, and lots of general ugliness leading up to his current marriage of 10 years.  I went to him when I was desperate and scared and crying at work and I didn't think my marriage was able to be saved or maybe even worth being saved.  He told me not to give up yet.  He encouraged the route of counseling.  He acknowledged that things may not work out, but he gave me the strength I needed to make the saving throw when I was ready to throw in the towel.  On several occasions he helped me to see things from my husband's point of view in a way I hadn't been able to see on my own.  My dad's experience in failed relationships helped to save mine.  His acceptance of our chosen lifestyle allowed him to advise me without assumptions clouding his judgment.

So, how do I feel about becoming poly after a year?  Grateful, more than anything.  I'm grateful to have the kind of partner that would even allow the possibility of an open relationship.  I'm grateful to have had good experiences with the poly world.  I'm grateful that we were able to find the resources for help when we needed it.  I'm grateful that we're going forward in our lives.  I feel like my life is richer with poly as a part of it.  With the impending kid, I'm glad that we will have adult distractions available to us.   Despite the stress it added, I don't regret becoming poly.  I still feel like it's worth working for and I'll continue to work for it.  That said, stay tuned for a follow up post detailing what I've learned after one year.

Primary and Secondary: What the Hierarchical Terms Mean to Me

Titles often weird me out.  I don't know why.  When my Hubby decided to start going by a shortened version of his name, it took me years to use it properly.  I still use the name I knew him by first about fifty percent of the time.  When we got married, I had to say "husband" over and over again before it felt right.  When Not-My-Boyfriend became my boyfriend, it was weird to use that term as well.  That's why I've put a lot of thought into the use of the hierarchical terms of the poly world. 

There is a lot of controversy about this.  I can understand why some poly people are opposed to them.  They prioritize people and that's sort of wrong, but it's also sort of natural.  We do it from the time we are kids, organizing our friends into "friends" and "best friends".  We do it on Facebook now with a range of intimacy.  I can have "close friends" and "acquaintances" and decide what I want to share with each group.  We do it with family.  The fact is that we are forced to prioritize due to the limited resource of time.  Sometimes friends only become close friends because of close geographical proximity, correlating schedules or situations which place you close to that person on a regular basis, such as working together.  Although we may have the same feelings of love for all of our friends and family, we must make choices on who we see more often.  This fluctuates depending on life circumstances.  I see my friends more often when my husband and I work opposite schedules as I am more likely to stay home with him if we have the time off together.  I will make an effort to see a friend more often when they need extra support or I need support from them.  Life circumstance brings friends closer together too.  I expect my friend circle to shift when my baby arrives as I will spend more time with people who are tolerant of children or have children of their own.  

We tend to prioritize the people we care about based on life circumstance and what our needs are and what their needs are at the time.  This is necessary and not morally wrong.  Human brains are programmed to see patterns and organize things and people.  That's why stereotyping comes so easily.  It's innate and it's necessary to have some organization in your life.  A large part of my job is deciding what the priority problem is and how to organize my work and time most effectively to get things done.  I do this in my life as well to maintain relationships.

Having been in two relationships for several months now, I feel I've finally come to a conclusion on how I feel about hierarchical terms.  Saying that you are in a primary relationship doesn't mean you love or care for your secondary partner any less, but it does mean that you organize your life around one person more than another.  This isn't a bad thing.  One needs priorities and organization in life to reach goals and maintain order.  I don't like drama in my life.  As my marriage will expand into a small family soon, I want that family to be my priority.  I want my boyfriend's family to be his priority.

To think that every poly person can and should reach this ideal of total equality across relationships doesn't make sense to me in the structure of our society.  The exception is poly groups.  If you are in a poly group and everyone is functionally an equal, then the terms primary and secondary do not make sense.  However, for people like myself, who started out in long term monogamous relationships, who have or want families, who don't desire to upset the status quo and invite huge upsetting life changes (not always preventable, I know), who live with one partner...  it makes more sense to me to apply the labels "primary" and "secondary" and maybe add "casual".

This is not something I have discussed with my boyfriend, though I'm certain we will after this post, but I feel like this is how we naturally organized our relationship.  I never had any desire to upset his life, family or marriage.  I consider myself a secondary and I'm comfortable with that.  I am respected and loved in his life, but living an hour away from each other and each of us having preexisting life priorities, it just doesn't make any sense to say that our relationship to each other is on equal grounds with that of our marriages.  We've each asked the other to change plans around our spouses and always confirm with our spouses before we settle on definite plans. With the exception of my early insecurities, this relationship has been easy to enjoy and I think the acceptance of each others lives and the ease of falling into these roles has contributed to this.  There are many other factors at play here, but that deserves a blog post of it's own. 

I have finally drawn my own conclusions on how I feel about hierarchical terms in my poly world.  I'm okay with them.  Unless I someday end up in a triad or a quad or some sort of poly group that lives together, I can't see myself being able to practically treat all of my partners exactly the same.  That doesn't mean I love my boyfriend any less, but that love is certainly different than the love I feel for my husband and the love I feel for my friends.  It doesn't mean it's inferior.  It doesn't mean it's less important in my heart.  It does mean that my husband and my impending family are my priority in my day to day life.  This is no different than the way my marriage has always taken precedence over my friends, but I also choose friends that support my marriage, just as I've done with my boyfriend.

Perhaps in a differently structured society or a commune-type situation, the hierarchical terms wouldn't make sense.  Right now, in my life and the society that I live in, they make the most sense and that's okay. 

I'll Believe It When I See It. Or Not.

Most of the time, I don't really believe that I'm pregnant.  We tried for so long and I really started to imagine my life without a family.  This would have been okay, really.  I can picture it.  I had walled off the part of me that wanted it so badly, knowing that it may never happen.  Now I have to reconnect with that part of myself and start imagining myself as a mother. 

I had another ultrasound today.  This one changed my due date, moving it forward by about a week.  When I laid down on the table for the ultrasound, I half expected there to be nothing there. 

"Haha!  Got you!  You're not really pregnant, it's all in your head." I would climb down off the table and say "Good one, guys, you thought you had be going, but I never really believed it."  I wouldn't even cry.  To think that there is nothing growing in me right now is more believable than what is really happening.

It's surreal feeling that there is a living thing inside of me, sucking away my life and changing my whole body around to suit it's needs.  As soon as the probe hit my belly, I could see the outline of the fetus.  It was immediate.  BAM! Baby!  It was larger than last time and it clearly has arms and legs.  It was moving.  This this is moving around inside of me and I can't even feel it.  Intellectually, I knew that my baby was already moving and kicking, but to see it in front of me on an ultrasound was something else entirely. 

Not even two weeks ago it was a peanut-shaped blob with a fluttery heartbeat center.  Now it is starting to look human.  I keep thinking about this ultrasound like what I saw is in the past, but this thing is inside of me all the time.  Right now, as I look at the pictures, it is in there, kicking. 

I can't think about this too much or I will cry.  I almost started crying going through a box of maternity clothes that a friend loaned me, just because it was so nice of her to do so!  I want to call my mother and tell her that I love her. (This is highly uncharacteristic.  I am not close to my mother.) I want to listen to Christmas music.  I want to talk to my dead Grandma like she can hear me.  I want to talk to my baby like it can hear me.  I'm losing hold of my firm grasp on reality and logical nature.  I do not, however, have an urge to pray so I know I'm not completely losing it. 

How I feel right now is much how I felt when my grandma died.  I couldn't feel it at first because it was too big.  I have to adjust myself to take it in and it has to get smaller, less risky.  It's weird that a grievous event and a supremely happy one are so similar.  I never thought I'd have these emotions and now I don't know how to feel them.  When I think about the future and actually holding our baby, my mind drifts around and can't settle on it.  If I do start to form the picture, I am instantly overwhelmed and unable to allow it to focus. 

This is what is going to happen.  We are going to have this baby and we are going to feel the happy emotions I thought I'd never feel.  The thing kicking around inside of me is the proof.  I just don't fully believe that it's there.    

In other news, Hubby and I settled on a nickname for our unborn wiggly nugget.  "Sketch"  It's just a Sketch right now, it's not finished.  I voted for Space Invader, but he thought that was too long.  Peanut is too common.  And so, I have a Sketch inside of me.  Getting closer and closer to completion.  I guess at some point I'll give birth to an oil painting.

Three Words

Since this blog is no longer totally anonymous, it is the nature of the beast that some things must be blogged about after the fact instead of using it to work out my feelings.

For quite some time now, three words have been be-bopping around in my head when I've been around NMB.  You know the three words I'm talking about.  Three words that I apply liberally to friends.  I love my best friend.  I even love some of my coworkers.  For some reason, applying them to a second romantic relationship was much harder.  I'm not sure why that is.

I had been putting it off.  I knew that I would have to say it first and I wanted Hubby to be in a place where he wouldn't be hurt by it.  I was also comfortable.  NMB made me feel an important part of his life without it.  The shared calendar, the warmness I received from his wife, communicating about important things, just being happy for me when I told him I was pregnant...  these are things that made me feel happy and content the way things were.  I knew that sooner or later the words would be said, but I saw no reason to rush them out of my big mouth.  The relationship progressed slowly and naturally and it was easy, despite my early insecurities.  I felt loved before I was told.

However, I was starting to feel like it was time.  Pregnancy hormones may have contributed.  Hubby has also been in a better place.  Despite it being just a decent human being thing to do, the ongoing to commitment to me through a pregnancy and new parenthood was really touching.  The words were going to come out.  They were waiting behind my lips during sex, they would still be there after when cuddling.  It was going to happen.

I talked things over with Hubby and I gave him some time to digest.  I didn't say the next time I saw NMB.  I waited.  However, the other night, I wanted to make it happen.  He was here, at our place.  We had long finished our typical amorous activities.  We were cuddling and talking, post coitus, in the new bed in our apartment.

I hid my face and hinted at what I was going to say.  It was quite obvious where I was heading, but he didn't help me out.  When I finally got the words out and looked him in the eye, there was a pause before he responded with

"I love... pie."      
"Really!?"
 "I love you too"
"Really!"
"It was on 'How I Met Your Mother'"
"Oh, you owe me for this one"
"A little bit, maybe"

So, that's how I told my boyfriend that I loved him, how I arduously forced the words out after much anxiety only to have him respond with a quote from "How I Met Your Mother."  Awesomesauce.  Actually, what is so strikingly weird about this is how similar it is to something my husband would have done.  He often makes cheesy jokes and puns when I try to be serious and show affection.  Sigh.  This is what I attract, I suppose.  Well, I would rather have someone(s) who makes light of life, even the serious moments, than someone(s) who had no sense of humor.  

Things Got Rocky, But They Appear to Have Settled

I haven't been posting about our rough patch, because things were so personal and so difficult that I didn't want to add any additional threat by writing about them here.  There are a handful of people in the local community who know my real identity and I couldn't blog as freely as I would have otherwise.

Things seem to have settled and are truly on the upswing as of right now, but there was a lot of arguing and a lot of discussing, some careful negotiation and some refusing to back down.  What we argued about was remaining in an open, poly relationship.  What we have settled on is remaining in an open, poly relationship.

After numerous disappointments and let downs, Hubby was feeling pretty down about his prospects and having a hard time seeing the benefits of being poly when all he had thus far was emotional pain.  The pain of being dumped in addition to the pain of having to share me was really bringing him down.  He wanted to close.  I refused.  Thus began about 6 weeks of arguing about the future of our relationship and whether or not we would stay married.

What we have settled upon is remaining open.  I am content to just date NMB for the time being, until a time which he feels more comfortable.  He now has a consistent fun thing going on, but there is little emotion there.  He still really wants an emotional connection with another girl and is continuing to search for it.

I still feel like things are precarious, but I also feel like it is more important now to stick to my convictions and fight for the open relationship.  Monogamy does not make sense to me any more, on a fundamental level.  On a practical level, I will not give up my relationship with NMB.  Nope.  Not gonna do it.

Things have changed for us in the last few weeks and in the coming months/year will be changing even more.  I will write about this soon, but for now, I am just happy that I managed to squeeze out a post at all. 

The riskiest coming out yet, but I did it for her sake.

I came out to a coworker the other night even though I was hesitant to do so.  She is a monogamous, married, good Christian girl who may be just a little bit repressed.  I chose to do this for her sake, not for mine.  I took the risk of rejection and weirdness.  Thankfully, I already have a large network of kind and accepting people who know who will be on the lookout for me for any backlash that might occur from this in the workplace.  I don't expect it, but I'm prepared to own it.

The reason I felt it was important that this coworker know about poly is that she has been the center of gossip at work for the last year or so regarding a male coworker.  This male coworker has since transferred to another unit, but everyone has suspicions that they are still hanging out together.  The chemistry between them was obvious to anyone who watched them interact.  Personally, I have a huge problem with they guy, but she seems to connect with him.  The risk of having an affair is high, if it's not already going on.  I wanted her to know that she had an option that wasn't cheating.  I wanted her to see an example of somebody she knows succeeding in the early stages of an open relationship.  She asked me a lot of questions.  I answered them honestly.

Her statements varied from interested consideration to distancing.  "I've always had a fear that I'd only ever sleep with one guy..."  and "I guess if it works for you guys and no one is getting hurt..."  Whatever she decides is of no consequence to me.  Poly is a lot of work.  Cheating is easier.  I couldn't do it, but I guess I understand why someone would.  I just felt it was important to share what I've learned over the last few months so that she would know that there is another option.  She could have what she wanted and still be with and not hurt her husband.  I thought that sharing my experience would be the best way for her to learn about it.  Just like fighting homophobia by making sure that everyone has a gay friend/coworker/family member/some one they know and respect.  Knowing someone who is poly makes it all the more real and easy to understand.  One of the turning points for me was meeting a large local group of poly people and realizing that they were down to Earth, intelligent, educated and not crazy.  I hoped that maybe I could do the same on a smaller scale.

I hope she goes the route of honesty, but I also hope she gets the life experience she's looking for.  We only get one shot at this whole life thing, unless you believe in reincarnation, but I'm not living mine like I get a second chance.

The Internet has relationship memes that I disagree with.

I have a problem with some of these "romantic" relationship memes floating around on Facebook and Pinterest.  They popularize and reinforce the cultural myths about relationships that cause them to fail.  These are made by the same people who pick "Passion" over "Dedication" on that OkC question that asks "Which makes for a better relationship?"  Passion can just as easily end things as it begins them.  Dedication is what makes a relationship work for the long haul.  The majority of okc users  pick "Passion" and I don't get it.  Here's an example of what passion can lead to and that's just crazy.  I prefer my relationships to be stable with lots of affection and fun things thrown in.  

Below you will find these memes along with my sarcastic commentary. 

Oh, look!  A sunset!  Aw!

This hits directly on the Passion vs Dedication problem.  This is Passion-driven relationship strategy.  It is built on the false belief that love should be easy and if it ever gets hard then they are wrong for you and you should DTMFA and move on.  This is not how relationships work, people.  If you want to be together, you might have to work at it.  You won't just drift back together if it's meant to be.

All your love are belong to us!

What does this mean exactly?  Romantic love?  What if they love their best friend?  When you have kids and she loves your kids are you going to be jealous of that love? Even in monogamous relationships your partner will love someone else.  Having to be in the center of their universe and be the only one they love is seriously insane, like controlling and abusive insane.  I just checked out http://supremeowl.com/ and found this little gem on homepage.  Point made. 

I only read your e-mail and make you give up all your opposite sex friends and isolate you from your friends and family because I LOVE you, baby! I wouldn't do that to anyone else because I only love YOU. 

It's people with these sorts of opinions, like those behind Supreme Owl that are destroying traditional marriage.

No one can make you happy but me! 

Dude, I don't agree.  Again, we have the false belief of "I must be the only thing in your universe to make you happy ever!"  How far does this go?  If a cute waiter brings her a refill with a wink and she smiles, is it all over?  How does he prevent this?  By no longer allowing his woman to look at cute waiters?  Is it only threatening if the guy is young and hot?  What if she smiles at an old man while she listens to him tell stories?  That's okay, right?  I'm so confused. 

If these hoes would just back off, he would love me forever.

Again, the external forces trying to break you up.  "Everything would be perfect if I was the prettiest girl in the world!"

They should have no friends but each other...  wait... 

Here's another one from that same myth.  I could forgive some of this if it was being posted by teenagers, but these are 30-somethings and up posting this stuff on Facebook.  Sigh. 

Hahaha... 

This one could be interpreted as anti-poly, but I'm certain that's not it's intended purpose.  It must be about an overbearing mother-in-law. Right?  No?  Sigh.  This one is about those hoes trying to break you up too, isn't it?

'

Minimum requirements.

Except for the jealousy=love myth portrayed in this one...  these are pretty darn minimal requirements for a real boyfriend.  He has to call you once in a while, be consistent with texts, want to spend time with you, is emotional and protective...  Pretty basic stuff here people.  If you are dating someone who doesn't want to spend time with you, you're doing it wrong. 

He's hot, so he must know what he's talking about.

I understand there is some debate about whether or not Johnny Depp even said this, ever, but the Internet loves it.  I've seen this everywhere.  Poly philosophy aside, I have so many issues with this.  Again, external forces do not reflect upon the love in your relationship.  Falling for someone else isn't proof that your first love is a sham.  It's proof that you you love two people.  This is a common enough occurrence in our society that we have two really popular books/movies with it as a theme and that's just right now in our pop culture.  (See: The Hunger Games and Twilight)  It happens.  One love does not diminish the other, whether you choose to explore it or not.  If you believe this, you will spend your life practicing serial monogamy in a turbulent series of relationships, giving up one for the next searching for this elusive "perfect true love" that doesn't exist.  

And we're worried about gay marriage messing things up?  Honey, Facebook and Pinterest are way bigger threats to marriage than rainbow-colored ceremonies ever will be. 

Oh, hai Reality!

Sunday was another icky day for me.  My self esteem was in the crapper and I can't even blame my cycle.  This time it was circumstantial and well, to be honest, kind of a pity party.  My success with dating has been nonexistent for the last few weeks.  I've had several cancelled dates, an uncomfortable encounter with a real life creeper, disappointment and weirdness with Hulk...

Everyone is getting laid but me.  Hulk got it on with an okc match over the last few weeks.  Hubby got it on with a 20 year old on Friday.  NMB got it on with same-name-weird-spelling chic on Saturday.  I got that news the same time I received the news that he wouldn't be able to join me on an upcoming float trip.  This combination of events sent me to a rather ugly place for a day or so.  I didn't sleep at all yesterday.  It was a mini version of this.  I wanted to fix my flawed thinking, but I couldn't do anything to make myself feel better.  I was internalizing all of the external forces and decided that there was a fundamental flaw somewhere.  I searched for it.  And if I was fundamentally flawed (too fat? not smart enough? too emotional? overly attaching? just plain old shit?) why would NMB want to be in a relationship with me?  When everyone I'm in a relationship with is connecting with new people and no one on okc is even giving me the time required to write a message, why would the people I'm in a relationship with want to continue to see me?  It must be that they are just missing something.  They somehow haven't seen the Big Flaw yet.

I was even giving myself a hard time for having these emotions.  "See, why would anyone want you?  You decide you want to be poly and you can't even handle it.  You thought you were an emotionally healthy person and then, well, look at you.  Just shit.  You can't even get out of bed.  Why would he want to date you when you can't even handle this minor little thing?  Hubby's not going to tolerate this forever, now that he knows how easily he can find someone else, why would he put up with your crazy ass?  You're just like your mother, melting down into crazy-mess."  I was berating myself just for having the negative emotions, for not being perfectly even keel and taking it all in stride.  The negative emotions formed a positive feedback loop of negativity.

feel bad about yourself --> feel worse about yourself for feeling bad about yourself --> feel even worse about yourself --> feel even worse about yourself for feeling even worse about yourself --> pile of shit

I began to pull myself out of it by reaching out to my friends.  My friends are fantastic, by the way.  It's not often that I need reassurance like this, but did they ever pull through.  Everyone reminded me that this is temporary that Hubby was in the same place not so long ago and that's how dating goes.  They all encouraged me in some way.  One offered to be my pimp, one told me I was an awesome person...  they all assured me that it would turn around.  This was a start.  I made a conscious decision to work through it, but how?  Use your resources.  In handling unfamiliar emotions with no cultural background noise to teach me what to do, I have to seek guidance from the masses of people who are have experienced this.  I read some articles on http://www.morethantwo.com/ including this one on managing jealousy.  I actually sat down and started making a list of things I value about myself.  I realized that the things I was writing down are the same traits I value in others.  This is the important stuff.  This is the stuff that makes people good.  As I wrote, I thought that little things that I don't like about me, such as occasionally losing control of my emotional state, are minor and that overall I'm a really good person, dammit. (+1) I found evidence for this in my long term friendships (+1) and support (+1) from these friends, many of whom are new friends because I make friends easily. (+1) I remembered that the whole reason this was possible for us was because I am open minded (+1) and can make positive change in my life when I see the need for it. (+1) I reminded myself that I'm a nurse and I save lives for cryin out loud! (+1)  I was reminded that I've had coworkers tell me that they want to orient with me when they become nurses (+1).  I've had new nurses tell me that I don't make them feel stupid when they ask a question. (+1)

The character points were building and I was getting closer to a level up.

I can pick out douchebags. (+1) Which is probably a big reason why I'm not dating a whole lot right now.  I'm being selective.  I'm not going out with the douchebags.  The selection is thin and this doesn't reflect on me, it reflects on the dating pool.  (+1) Just because creepers send me messages all the time, does not mean I'm worth less. (+1)  This is part of having a high emotional IQ. (+1) People come to me for advice and leave feeling better. (+1)

LEVEL UP!

I had turned the corner.   I was remembering how awesome I am.  I am awesome.  I'm not perfect, but there's no reason why I should hate myself for getting a little insecure.

These emotions are brand new with no social context.  I'm sharing my husband and my boyfriend.  How do you handle that?  I have no real examples to follow.  I haven't spent a lifetime watching sitcoms about resolving jealousy and insecurity in relationships.  On the contrary, sitcoms, romantic comedies and internet memes reinforce jealousy as proof of love and commitment.  They teach you to embrace it, not to battle it and beat it down to the depths where other irrational emotions belong.  I can't expect myself to perform perfectly when faced with things that make me feel icky.  This is a learning experience.  That's why I'm writing this blog, to chronicle my mistakes, document my feelings, work through them with the written word and finally to have a record of my personal journey into making polyamory work.

I went to work on a definite upswing.  I had a good night at work, where I felt like what I did mattered.  My patients were all super nice and appreciative.  I made it through my shift on the fumes of coca-cola and chocolate ice cream.  When my head hit the pillow that morning, it was my 31st hour of no sleep.  I slept great.

That afternoon, I received a text from NMB informing me that he had shared his google calendar with me.  This is kind of a Big Deal in poly relationships from what I understand, at least in jest.  I recognized this as a gesture. (You can correct me if I'm wrong.)  I reciprocated and looking at each others' days we were able to pick a date for going to the drive-in finally!   Once it was decided, we both plugged it into our calendars and they showed up at about the same time.  It was nerdy and awesome.  "Go go relationship!" he said.

This gesture put things into perspective for me.  NMB made the move to share google calendars, my husband made me pizza when I was feeling down and hardly eating anything, my friends sent me encouraging texts...  How dare I throw a pity party for myself?  My life is rich with fun, interesting, intelligent and caring people that I value and that value me!  How dare I take that for granted?  I'm very obviously dating someone who cares enough to reach out with a gesture of intimacy when he didn't even know the full extent of my craptastic pile of poo day.  I have a husband and a boyfriend and oh, by the way, they both cook for me.  I say to myself, "Shut the fuck up, you fool!  Look at what you have in your life!  Look at it!  The fact that they are bumping uglies with other pretty girls is of no consequence and is no reflection on you.  The fact that you are getting piles of messages from douches on okc and a minimal reply rate doesn't mean you are broken!  It means okc is full of douches!  Appreciate what you have, work through the crappy feelings when they happen and shut the fuck up and be happy for yourself!  You are graced with intimate relationships all around you from people who choose to be your friends and lovers.  You have the freedom to turn friends into lovers and let each relationship be what it will.  Shut this pity party down right now.  No last call.  It's over.  Go on!" 

 

It's over. 10 years of friendship is over.

"She says I'm okay; I'm alright, Though you have gone from my life You said that it would, Now everything should be all right"

It's over.  Here's how it all went down over several hours via text message.  

G: First I wish to say I wasn't ignoring you last night, I had the phone on silent so as not to interrupt the Shakespeare experience for those around us This might be a subtle jab at my friends' kids, not sure.  There is already so much passive aggressive behavior that I can't tell anymore.  and thus didn't see you called for a bit. Second it may be pure semantics but I said "I was mislead, lied to, and disrespected tonight and I don't feel comfortable doing it right now." It being pet sitting, I did not call you or Hulk a liar directly. But I am not stupid, I know what is going on. True story, he only knows because someone told him and I told that person not to lie.  And I also know neither you nor he looked me in the eye let alone talked to me, which seems to me you both feel like there is wrong doing too. You want to talk, fine, but you can't dictate what I can and can't say to your husband either. I told him I wouldn't pet sit too and he asked why, I told him without saying specifically why (Hulk). If you want the talk in person tell me when you're available and if over the phone text and I shall call if I can. I am trying to enjoy today with my gf and her mom because it is her mom's birthday so may not be 100% free. 2:09 PM This is consistent with the same pattern that he's been playing with me over this.  He feigns a willingness to talk about it, but then claims unavailability.

Me: I truly want you to explain to me how what we are doing is wrong. And I can certainly have a problem with you saying hurtful and untrue things about me behind my back. I know what the whole message was. You are free to say whatever you want to whoever you want, but I think it's inappropriate to do that to a friend.  If I didn't talk to you, it was because I was concerned about your mood, you sat separately, asked for another blanket instead of joining the existing sea of blankets. What we are doing is not wrong, but I knew it would upset you on some level. There is a difference. 2:26 PM

G: Actually we stood awkwardly as besides J and later K, we weren't aknowledged as being there. Wasn't told "this is the area to sit in" or told you know, hi. We didn't ask for a blanket, J gave us one as we stood there confused. Suddenly blankets are confusing?  This is crap.  The blanket was on the ground.  He didn't need direction as to where to sit.  He also could have asked. We sat there in silence because no one talked to us. I know I offered them both pretzels and that his gf was talking with my bff. We may as well have been strangers.  I'm tired of being ignored and treated like a stranger by you people. You people!? And now Hulk is doing it too. So yay another friend completely lost. What happens when you two break up? What then?  Unless he has decided he doesn't want to get married and be with one person forever, you two won't last forever since you know you're already married.  I didn't say what you were doing is wrong I said you guys must feel that way as you hid it and refused to look or aknowledge me. 2:33 PM Or maybe we just didn't know how to do this without pissing you off.  Obviously, we've failed at this.

Me: I recall waving and saying hi. I didn't realize I would have to welcome you to the blanket I said I'd bring for you. I'm sorry you felt like a stranger.  I probably did feel a little awkward in regards to the situation, knowing you'd be upset, but I still don't understand why, just a sense because I know you generally disapprove of us being poly.  What happens when we break up is between the two of us, but since you asked I'll tell you that it's been discussed. He plans on continuing to date and I acknowledge that looking for someone who would be ok with the situation would severely limit his dating pool. Therefore, once he finds someone he wishes to be exclusive with, he is free to end things with me. It's an acknowledged temporary relationship. Also- I remind you- I hid it only based on your insistence that I not discuss who I dating. That decision was not to spite you, it was out of respect for you.  And don't write Hulk off as a friend. That's not fair to him. What we are doing is not wrong. 4:34 PM

G: You know what? You're right, you're not doing wrong, everyone involved is happy and knows what is going on. I am the only one who has a problem with it, so I am just completely removing myself from this. I overreacted last night and was just mad and felt hurt. I hate that at this point there are way to many people involved and are in the middle of it. And over what? Me having a problem, so I am just stepping away from it all. It is the most logical step, everyone else is happy and fine with it except me. I'm sorry I am not okay with it but this way we can all be happy and healthy without worrying about what the other thinks. I don't hate anyone involved, I'm not mad, or talking anything negative about anyone. I love you all but just not comfortable with any of it. So I am done, I hope the best for you all. 4:57 PM Passive aggressive and not at all genuine, but what he's saying here is the truth.  Everyone else involved is fine, he's just hoping it will all blow up and someday we'll tell him he was right.

Me: I feel like you haven't given it a chance to become comfortable with it. I promise it's different from other open relationships that you've seen. I have made the effort with all of my friends to give them the chance to ask questions and be sure they have a good understanding of what it is and what it is not. You haven't allowed me to extend the same courtesy to you.  There are books, podcasts, all sorts of resources out there for people who do this successfully.  Are you saying you just can't be my friend anymore because of this? You have no problem being friends with my husband though, or you didn't anyway. Why is it ok for him and not for me? It was ok for J too, when he was a third, but no okay for me. Why? 5:08 PM

G: I'm saying all of you. All three of you involved. It just makes me feel awkward. No exceptions nothing else. It has cause me too much heartache and misery. I don't need that. 7:13 PM Heartache and misery!?  That doesn't even make sense.  How is what we are doing in our personal life causing him heartache and misery! 

Me: I hope you feel differently one day. 7:58 PM   I had no idea what else to say.  Fuck it, Dude.  Let's go bowling.

"I will kill thee, And love thee after"

I am both deeply sad and angry about this situation.  I thought I played it cool with Hulk and my long time friend who is uncomfortable with poly.  Lets call this friend Gathering, or G.  I am choosing this nickname because he is very good at gathering people together.

First a little background on our particular group of friends.  Many years ago, there was event known by some as The Sundering.  A couple broke up and the female involved decided to immediately go out with her ex-bf's best friend.  The best friend happened to be G.  The group split apart and we didn't speak for years.  Before all of this happened G asked me out and I declined.  I would do the same again.  He's a fantastic friend and I would do anything for him, but I don't want to date him.  It's just not there.

Knowing that...  here is what has occurred since we became poly.  He has repeatedly refused to talk to me about it, at first expressing anger and concern about our relationship, citing two other couples he knows who are non-monogamous and were not stable.  He expressed the fear that we would eventually break up because of it or at least become extremely hurt.  Over the last few months, he has been distant, refusing to discuss it and claiming that he doesn't mind, that we are both adults and we should do whatever makes us happy.  I have still attempted to talk to him only to be told it's unnecessary.

In dating Hulk, we both recognized that G would be likely to have a negative reaction to us dating and thus we were trying to determine how to handle it.  Keep in mind that our first date was Tuesday and the following events occurred on Saturday night.  G has specifically asked not to be informed about who we are dating, thus putting me in a difficult position.  Also, keep in mind that the background to much of this was Shakespeare's Othello- the primary theme of which is perceived infidelity.  Perceived infidelity.  That's what occurred IRL tonight as well, as far as I can tell anyway.  Since my friend has refused to discuss it with me, I can only speculate.   The title of this is a quote from Othello, in this instance, it describes my friendship with this person and his decision to murder it based on perceived infidelity.

This is what I suspect my friend has murdered our friendship over.  He doesn't know the timeline, that we only started dating on Tuesday.  He doesn't know that starting on Tuesday we were trying to figure out how to handle things with G.  He doesn't know that we were holding back on showing our affection out of respect for him and his boundaries.  All he knew going into tonight is that I invited Hulk to the event and talked him into coming along and bringing his daughter.  I did not hide this.  We were still trying to figure out how to address it.

G was distant from the moment he showed up.  He did not join the majority of us on the sea of blankets we had created.  Instead, he asked another friend for an additional blanket and sat somewhat behind us all, incidentally right behind where Hulk and I were primarily hanging out.  We texted a little, but decided to keep things on the DL to not stir the pot and challenge G's comfort zone. 

Then G left. He made an excuse about not feeling well, said his sandwich didn't agree with him and he left.  He left smiling (faking) and said that he would call me about watching the pets later this week.  He left.

I looked at Hulk and raised an eyebrow.  He put out his arm to welcome me to cuddle.  All of my friends present in the situation were comfortable with this.  Hulk was comfortable with this in front of his daughter.  One of my bff's was comfortable with this in front of her new bf.  The other bff was fine with it in front of her kids.  ("I don't care.  Once they get older I'll just explain it.  Some people are like Mommy and Daddy and some are like BB and Hubby") My younger brother, age thirteen, who I had told that we were poly, but not that I was dating Hulk, was completely comfortable with it.  I didn't think about it until later, but to have that kind of acceptance from the people in my life that I care about is a pretty intense feeling of support.  My friends are awesome, truly.

At some point, I am sitting alone with J, my super awesome gay friend, who discloses that G was asking if I was "dating or trying to date Hulk" and he didn't know what to say.  I told him not to lie.  That I didn't want to lie about it.  From what I gather some time later, he again asked and J disclosed.  G's response?  "She lied to me."

After returning home, I got this a text from G-

I'm sorry for the short notice, but you need to find someone else to pet sit this weekend.  I will return your key to you this week.

Hubby got the same text and actually managed some conversation.  He got the following about me:

As for why, well ask your wife I'd say.  I was mislead, lied to, and disrespected tonight and I don't feel comfortable doing it right now. At some point, if you want to hang out, let me know, but I just can't do the pet sitting right now, I'm afraid.  I will talk to you later,  I'm sure.

I have a huge problem with this.  He's now told at least two people that I'm a liar without talking to me.  He also seems to be totally fine with the men involved, but not me.  I'm feeling a little slut shamed.  I suspect there is a complex set of emotions going on here that he doesn't completely understand.  He's had other friends in open relationships, that he may have looked down on, but not unfriended.  Our gay friend, J, was a third for an existing couple for a while and he didn't hold it against him.  He's continued to talk to my husband throughout all of this while being distant with me.  I can't help but feel my vagina has something to do with his negative reaction. 

I'll Miss You

NMB is off to France today.  His plane leaves in about 30 minutes.  I saw him last night for dinner, sex and naked cuddling.  He's quite comfortable with Shark Week sex, probably more comfortable with it than I am.

Now that I have something else promising going on, my insecurities with NMB are lessening.  I finally found the courage to ask him a question I've been curious about.  "Exactly how many people are you seeing right now?"  I was surprised by the answer, but in a good way.  I'm the person he's seeing the most regularly right now, outside of his wife.  Other relationships, sexual or not, are pretty casual from the sound of it.  He again told me he's trying to dial some of it back so he can have more evenings at home.

I don't know what his usual casual lovemaking style is, but with me there is a lot of  eye contact, little kisses and intensity.  Gawd I love the way he moans.  He's mostly quiet, but when he moans...  mmm...  so rewarding to hear that.  He smiles at me a lot too, like he's enjoying my frequent orgasms.  We hold our faces close.  He's skilled at pushing my boundaries of pain to cause pleasure.  I'm usually left with sore nipples after our encounters and last night was no exception.  He bit my shoulder a couple times too, leaving behind a mark for the first time.  I'm okay with that.  After the sex, we cuddled for a long time, intertwined, we talked.  I told him about Hulk and how the varying sexual experience is going to be an interesting experience.  This didn't seem to bother him, which is awesome.  We talked about the other various people in our polycule, which is a new term he introduced me to.  I like it. :D   

He also mentioned that his comfort level with me was such that he wasn't too concerned about little things like laundry not being put away and such while having me over.  Sometimes I wonder if we're both holding back for fear of chasing the other one off.   If that's the case, that's okay, I guess.  It'll work out eventually.  I'm quite comfortable with the level of dating we have going on here...  it doesn't need a title, yet.

I wished him well and left once his wife arrived home.  I'll miss him, I truly will.  However, I'm learning to enjoy what I have in front of me when I have it.  I'll have him in front of me again soon enough. 
 

This Was a Little Risky. I Went Out With a Monogamous Boy

This monogamous boy is one I've known casually for a long time.  He's a friend of a friend who makes occasional appearances at group gatherings.  The mutual friend happens to be the one who is not okay with our poly status, at all.  This means that this date must stay mostly secret.

Nickname: Hulk.  This is appropriate because he is the most stacked guy I've ever dated, but also, he shared with me that the superhero he identifies most with is the Incredible Hulk.  Normally, I would find such a self comparison concerning, but I've known Hulk for so long and I know him to be a quiet peaceful guy and I know he is not a violent person.  I'd elaborate more, but I feel what he shared is too personal to reshare even anonymously.  Trust me when I say that I understand that such a thing could be seen as a warning sign, but my instincts are strong in such situations and I'm good here.

So, Hulk took me out to Longhorn steakhouse.  Afterwards, we went to a park and talked while we walked.  He clarified a couple things he was wondering about.  STI prevention was a big concern and understandably so.  He was also concerned about it staying private and noted that his mother would have issues with him dating someone who is married. (Although- his divorce isn't final so I think we're both occupying different space in the same grey area.)   Obviously, I understand his need for discretion, this is weird even if it's not wrong and it would make it much harder for him to find that right person to be monogamous with. He asked about that. I told him that I'd understand when he needed to cut things off, that it would severely limit the dating pool if he was looking for someone who was okay with a continued relationship with a married woman. I acknowledged that it might involve some sadness, but that I understood.

I think this has the potential to be awesome. He's an awesome cuddler and fun to converse with. He lives really close to my house, like within walking distance, making it super convenient to maintain something. He said that what he liked about dating me was that he wasn't really ready for the big super serious relationship yet, and he knew that with me, there is a limit on how much time I could occupy. It makes me feel good to think that I could give him some companionship and warmth while he's waiting for the Big One.
He had planned on kicking me out at midnight, but didn't until 2am. We didn't kiss until the end and those were gentle closed mouth kisses. It might be a while before I get his pants off. I went in for a few more kisses at the end and he said "You better go before I keep you all night."

"Next time." I said. And I left him in his house alone.

I find I'm really looking forward to seeing him again. If I had to sum it all up in one word, that word would be "warm" and that was nice. I'll see him on Saturday as part of a group gathering, but it will have to stay distant for obvious reasons. I suspect I'll surreptitiously text him a few things though. Yay technology!

In One Night, I Shake Dan Savage's Hand and a Unicorn Prances Out of the Mist

My previous post focused on the somber aspect of seeing Dan Savage lecture.   I will now discuss the exciting parts of my evening.  I got in line to get an autograph and speak briefly to Dan.  I hope I didn't sound like too much of a goober.  I didn't vomit anyway, and my friend assured me that as long as I didn't vomit, I would be okay.  He said he'd check out my blog.  No one else is, so I had nothing to lose by hoping that Dan would give it a quick look.  He shook my hand.  If you are reading this, Dan Savage, thank you!

I then had a delicious pizza with the awesome new friend that joined me for this little road trip before we hit to road to travel back home.  During all of this, Hubby let me know that he had been texting and phoning a girl from Cupid who brought up the topic of a threesome.  Upon arriving home, my husband ran outside to meet me.

"I hope you're not going to proposition me for a threesome."  I say.  Once inside, that's almost exactly what occurs.  While I was out, he found a unicorn.  We'll call her Mysti.  This is not something that I am opposed to.  On the contrary, it is something I want to do before I die.  It was not something I was expecting to fall into our lap so quickly.  Seriously?  We put ourselves on OkCupid less than a month ago and in that time, a unicorn slowly pranced out of the mist, propositioned my husband and made it very clear that she's sexually attracted to me.

I started drinking.  I was not prepared for this at all.  Once I am sufficiently inebriated to have this conversation, we call her.  Mysti is cute, she's funny and she's frank.  We talked about our interest in girls and had to tell Hubby to shut up so we could talk a bit.  My immediate impression is that I like her.  We have agreed to meet at a sex-postive coffee shop in Big City on Wednesday.  I'm meeting her at 7 and Hubby will join us later in the evening once he can leave class.

We have a date with a unicorn on Wednesday.

Two months ago, I had never even watched porn with my husband.  On Wednesday we are going to meet with a very eager unicorn.  Dear universe, could you give me one thing to blog about at a time please?  I'm a little sexually overwhelmed at the moment.  Is this really happening? 

I'm Poly Because of Dan Savage and Because I'm Poly I'm Going to MEET DAN SAVAGE

It was largely by listening to Dan Savage that I decided the poly lifestyle was possible for us and started talking about it.  Mind you, I only just found out he existed in January of this year.  So in the last 3 months, Dan Savage has changed my life drastically.

Hubby has been talking to a cabaret dancer from nearby College Town that he met on OkCupid.  She texted him today about Dan Savage visiting the college TOMORROW.  Guess who's going to be too darn sick to go in tomorrow?  ME.  Guess who's driving the 2 hours to College Town to see him.  ME!  Guess who got her new bff to agree to make the drive with her?  ME!  Hubby can't go, but he's given me his blessing.

In other news, as I write this, he is out with Munchy and just ran into his mom and step dad in Target.  Oops.  He's wearing his ring and I gave the okay for them to hang out here tonight after I go into work.  I'm getting better!

Getting Over It

The last two blog posts I made were from a very intense and sad place.   The emotions were very immature when I posted them.  It got way worse than that before it got better.  I ended up texting hubby for about an hour before he came home from his date.  Once home, we had only a little bit to talk before I went to work.  I worked for the next 12 hours and just barely survived it.  When I arrived home that morning, I had taken a short bus to Crazy Town.  It was not fun.

I climbed in the shower and stayed there for 30 minutes.  I started crying.  I started hyperventilating.  My face was numb and my head was spinning.   Hubby turned off the shower and tossed a towel around me and begged me to get out of the shower.  I thought I might pass out and hit my head on the toilet or the tub on the way down.  I didn't care. I just stood there.   I eventually made it to the bed and laid there.  Hubby lay down behind me and told me to let it out.  I screamed and yelled and said horrible mean things for the next hour or so until I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was in a much better place.  We were able to talk for real and finally get somewhere.  I really wanted to feel better, but I didn't feel better, not really.  I started a dialog on Facebook with the girl, whose name I found difficult to use at first.  We'll call her Munchy.  That evening she wrote to be on Facebook and said some very nice things to make me feel at ease.  After I got the message on FB, Hubby's phone chimed with a text message from Munchy.  She took the time to message me before she messaged him.  That afternoon, I was able to allow him to go pick her up from work.

The next day, I truly felt better.  The FB dialog between Munchy and I continues.  She's making it impossible to not like her.  She's experienced in poly matters and seems to know exactly what to say.  She absolved me of my guilt over my crazy behavior.  She made it clear that I'm the primary and that she'll always stand aside for my emotional needs.   We have many things in common.

Yesterday, hubby went to visit her at her job in a chain gift shop attached to a restaurant.  Apparently, she lead him around the store and used her bubbly personality and acting experience to pick out small gifts for me.  How can I possibly dislike that?

It's a journey, but it's worth it.