I've already posted a retrospective of our first year experience. Here I will discuss what I learned from what we did right.
We Approached It With Enthusiasm for Ourselves and Each Other
Truly, we had the best intentions for each other from the beginning. I didn't want him held back from life experiences because of me. We both wanted freedom and each other. We both wanted to make sure the other one was comfortable with things before moving forward. We were excited, maybe a little too excited, by the new possibilities that lay before us. We had fun discussing things before we ventured forth. The sex we had was always great, but the new level of openness between us allowed a new excitement and new experiences between each other.
Telling Our Friends and Some Family Created a Support Network
We weren't alone. Having our closest friends and select family members in on the secret meant we could go to them when we needed to air things. I love sharing stories. If I had to keep all the NRE to myself at the beginning of things between me and NMB, I would have exploded! At least sharing it with my friends kept my poor husband from bearing the full load of things. When things went sour, people who knew about the open relationship also knew that we had gotten good experiences out of it. I could discuss the problems we were having without having to disclose the open relationship and having people immediately blame everything on poly. "No, wait! It's really what we both want, it's just gotten away from us!"
We Started With Rules, But We Renegotiated Many of Them Quickly and Easily
We started out discussing things like "No sex with others in our bed" and "No anal sex with others". When these things became impractical, we renegotiated quickly and easily. We kept communication open instead of holding fast to our rules. Rules are a sensitive subject and one of those things experienced poly folk often criticize new poly folk for, but this is one area where we handled things the right way, I think. Rules can be a tool to create comfort and build trust in the lifestyle. Poly Man Whore had a post a while back stating that rules were proof that you didn't trust your partner. Maybe so, but it also takes time to build trust in the poly lifestyle and learn the skills to make it work. Rules can help protect you while you get there if you don't cling to them too desperately.
Initially, Our Communication Improved
As I previously touched on, we were all about sharing in the beginning. We talked about a lot of what-ifs. We shared sexual fantasies that we hadn't been completely open about. We had always been fairly open about who we found attractive, but now we could be really honest without fear of hurting each other's feelings. I could say to my husband, "I'd like to fuck that guy." I'm ashamed to admit that I used to have some jealousy issues with him looking at porn. Not that I had ever told him he couldn't, but it was something I didn't like to think about due to insecurity on my part. This was quickly resolved when we started exploring being open. A year later, we watch porn together and I'm mostly unfazed when he sleeps with someone new. I found my compersion and I want him to have good experiences.
Meeting the Local Poly Group
This was one of the first things I did before we actually opened. I looked up locals in nearby Big City and I went to a small social event at someone's house. Meeting some people in the real world that make this happen gave me the confidence to move forward and give it all a try. Without having had that experience, I would have been much slower to make moves. After getting a good sample size of poly people who were nerdy, intelligent, interesting, well-educated, grounded and stable, I started to feel like it was possible to make it work in a way that I could live with. (Side note: I'm glad I found the one poly group that I did first. I went to one meeting of another group and the best way I can describe it is that it felt "cultish". I may have walked away with a different opinion. That group and it's vibe might work for other people, but it did not work for me.)
The Internet Was a Fantastic Resource
I read a lot. When I was having a particularly difficult time with jealousy in the beginning, I did some Google searching and found More Than Two. I can't recommend it enough as a free and comprehensive resource. It's full of helpful tools. The Internet lead me to the aforementioned local poly group. The Internet gave us OkCupid and my boyfriend. I continue to listen to the Savage Lovecast and learn more about other people's monogomish lifestyles. I posted on r/polyamory when things got bad and reached out for the support of experienced poly people who like to write about it. I used it to find the local poly group. The books we read, The Ethical Slut and Opening Up were great, but the Internet gave us a searchable limitless database of other's experiences and lessons-learned. Many people have noted that widespread access to the Internet has likely contributed to the growth of polyamory. If I had not been exposed to the idea, I never would have come to it on my own.
Showing posts with label jealousy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jealousy. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
Poly: Year One Analysis
These are some things I've learned over the last year. They might not apply to everyone, but they are things that caught us by surprise. Think of this as a list of where we went wrong and what I learned.
Unrealistic Expectations
When we were monogamous, we fell into this trap of believing that our commitment to each other was the only thing holding us back from relationships with others. My husband had his crushes. I had feelings toward male friends that I just knew would be reciprocated if things were different. I had it in my head that me and my choice to be married was the only thing keeping me from exploring other relationships and my sexuality. This was a silly fallacy that was quickly disproven. My husband was shot down by crush after crush. I was gently let down by my friend. We had to remember that there are other factors outside of our relationship that we cannot control and that, as obvious as it should have been, there was not an army of potential lovers just waiting for permission to fuck us or love us. Surely every new open couple goes into this with some level of unrealistic expectations, at least the ones that, like us, have been in a monogamous microcosm with strict guards against the outside world and a stunted emotional maturity when it comes to dating. We had a lot to learn and one of them was the following bullet point.
Preparation for Outside Influences
Opening your relationship means more than sex and acceptance of emotions for others, it means opening yourself up to rejection. Your relationship may be damaged by the unpredictable actions of others. We were unprepared to weather this storm. For my poly experiences, my emotions were not very negatively affected. I have had mostly positive experiences. My husband, however, has experienced a fair amount of rejection and one devastating break up that eventually resolved into a not-dramatic FWB relationship. Again, being in a monogamous microcosm of two, you forget that other people can have a devastating effect on your confidence. Just being emotionally available puts you at risk for rejection and you will get rejected in some form or another. Other people are wildcards and they may turn out to be well adjusted, kind and not-crazy. They may also turn out to be uncontrollable forces of destruction and ping about your life causing damage you never knew you were vulnerable to. Sometimes you can pick these people out right away and avoid a lot of drama. If your partner lets them in, you have to weather the storm and be there for the one you love. You also have to accept that you can't fix everything for your partner when something goes wrong. This is going to sound really depressing, but your love might not be enough any more. Or, as my boyfriend approximately said on this subject, it can be hard to accept that you are no longer the emotional center of your partner's life.
Coping with the Initial Excitement
We are warned about the potential consequences of NRE. We are not necessarily warned about the NPE: New Poly Energy. We both went a little crazy with our new freedom and excitement over a new lifestyle. We told a lot of people. We didn't always tell them the right way. We told a lot of coworkers and we were lucky that this didn't backfire.
Becoming poly opened up the world for me in a new way, but I moved faster than my skills developed. I felt like a teenager again and, at times, acted like one. I made selfish moves. I got swept up in the excitement of a new venture. I was overconfident in some ways, and especially vulnerable in others. I was emotionally immature and I've learned a lot about myself, other people, relationships (new and old) and dating.
Outside Sharing
This is an issue specific to our relationship. I'm an open book. I'm probably too open at times, as evidenced by this blog. I'm certain that behind my back, I have been described as an over-sharer. My husband keeps his cards close to his chest. Busting open our Monogamous Microcosm (I'm coining that. It's a phrase now. I capitalized it, see?) made us feel vulnerable to outside criticism in a way that we hadn't dealt with before. We both felt a certain amount of pressure to be a part of a fringe community that is critical of newcomers. Yes, you are, Poly Community. There's a lot of criticism of new poly people and how we handle things out there in the blog-o-sphere and the literature. There's a lot of "you're doing it wrong" and we didn't want to be labeled as volatile new people and risky dates. This is still a thing we're working on. In fact, as I typed this paragraph, he walked in the door, noticed I was blogging and commented that he prefers to pretend this blog doesn't exist.
On the Subject of the Poly Community...
Additional note about the "your doing it wrong" vibe often directed at new poly people: If you are a new poly person reading this, screw that. Do what is right for your relationship. I made some definite mistakes because I felt like I had to strive for this ideal put forth in poly circles. That's crazy. As my favorite nursing instructor used to say, "There are many roads to China." Find one that works for you, don't feel pressured to follow the one that everyone says is right. If something is making your partner uncomfortable, pull back and focus on that until they are comfortable again. If you need a hierarchy to organize your relationships and make them function, then use a hierarchy. If you need rules to feel safe, then use rules, just don't use rules to shut down communication. If your partner tells you they need something and the new-poly-pressure tells you they shouldn't need that... what the hell are you doing? Give your partner what they need. Don't get sucked into this idea that people are poly or they aren't. Do what needs to be done to make it work for you. I was skeptical of new-poly criticisms in the beginning and I still allowed for their influence to sneak into my psyche and I made mistakes that hurt my partner. Don't get caught up in the idealism. Find what works for you. And it's okay to admit that things aren't perfect. Guess what? All relationships have problems. Poly or not. This is okay.
All this said, the individuals that I've met in my local poly community do not inflict this kind of pressured idealism. This is more of a general feel on the Internet that we both became sensitive to. In fact, the people I've spent time with in the local community have been nothing but warm and welcoming and supportive. However, that's something I think we can all do a little better with.
Handling Jealousy: Your Mileage May Vary
Jealousy and insecurity are big ugly monsters when you are new to this lifestyle. They are usually easily banished from the Monogamous Microcosm by following a few simple rules. When you open your defenses and let them in, you have to cope. We assumed that I would be the one to have a more difficult time with jealousy as I was the one of the two of us that had jealous upsets in the realm of monogamy. My husband never felt jealous, but perhaps this is because he was never challenged to feel jealous. Both of us were completely emotionally unprepared for how destructive this would be for us. Poly literature acknowledges this difficulty, and gives you tools to deal with it, but nothing can really prepare you to be open to a new and terrifying emotion you probably haven't felt for years, if you've ever felt it at all. From my first nuclear meltdown, I realized I could not predict how I would react. Not only was I dealing with jealousy when my husband was sleeping with others, I had so quickly gotten involved in another relationship, I was also dealing with jealousy and insecurity in the new relationship. This was new territory and it took time to navigate. For the most part, my experiences with jealousy have become less intense over time. I still have a weird little hang up about new sexual partners of my partners that I haven't completely unpacked, but as my security has grown and I've experienced this over and over, my negative responses have become easier to cope with.
Another important lesson that I've mentioned in a previous post is that jealousy cannot be banished with compersion. You can feel compersion and jealousy at the the same time. Compersion does become stronger as jealousy fades, but the two emotions can coexist. You can feel happy for your partner and still hurt and feel insecure. Don't expect to handle jealousy by making yourself feel more compersive. It didn't work for me.
Know Your Resources
Know your resources. Things are likely to get tough at times, as they will be in any relationship. Don't wait for them to get bad. Seek out your resources for emotional help. Know your friends that will be accepting. Know how you can obtain counseling and don't be afraid to use it. We could have saved ourselves a lot of fighting and broken household objects if we had sought out counseling sooner. We happen to have a limited number of free sessions available through our employers. So far, counseling has cost us nothing monetarily. If you have a similar program available to you, be aware of it and don't be afraid to use it. If your family is a source of strength in your life, use them when you need to. As I mentioned in my previous post, my dad's myriad of bad relationships lead to him giving me solid advice to fix mine.
Be Honest About the Flaws in Your Relationship
We started out thinking we were so very awesome. I mean, we had a great marriage. We talked things out, we rarely fought and when we did we worked it out. We enjoy spending time together. When I think back to our wedding, I get nothing but happy feelings. When I look at the pictures of our wedding, I see how much we love each other and how excited we were to show that to the world. We knew we could do this. We could weather any storm. We had easily survived things that makes other couples crumble. We went into it with the right attitude, we wanted the other to have a richer and fuller life and the freedom to explore other people, emotionally and physically.
Instead of patting ourselves on the back for how awesome we were, we should have sat down and seriously analyzed what wasn't perfect about our marriage. Becoming poly opened up a whole new emotional minefield that blew up some hidden and ugly truths that we were unprepared to deal with. I didn't exactly realize this until we started seeing the marriage counselor. We were happy, but we were not the epitome of perfect marriage and conflict resolution that we thought we were. It turns out that our Monogamous Microcosm was protecting us from a lot of emotional work that we needed to be successfully poly. Going forward, I will be more aware of this and focus on fixing things inside first.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
I watched Bridesmaids. Now I'm going to rant about it.
I've had this DVD on loan from a friend who insisted that I watch it. It has sat around for weeks and weeks. I'm sick with a cold and home alone so I popped it in the player. It was kinda funny, sometimes... but for the most part, it reinforced negative female stereotypes in way that just ticked me off.
The movie opens with some very awkward sex scenes. I'm sure this is supposed to be funny, but it just made me uncomfortable. The main character, Annie, is fucking her FWB and it's hard to believe that she's having a good time from what you see. Limbs flail around. She makes requests that are ignored by her lover. She wakes up before him in the morning and we see her sneaking back into bed after fixing her hair and makeup before crawling into bed. Is this really what we want, ladies? A relationship where the pressure to be pretty is so high that you have to sneak around to avoid being seen without your makeup on?
The sex negativity continues when she meets up with her friend, Lillian, for breakfast. Her friend shames her for visiting the FWB and they laugh about their mutual distaste blow jobs. It's funny because penises are gross, I think. Some time after that, her friend becomes engaged and that's where the girl vs girl competition begins. Annie is chosen as Lillian's Maid of Honor and is introduced to Helen, a new friend and member of the bridal party. Helen is a character with some negative traits, but even from the beginning she isn't completely unlikeable. She's kind and pleasant. She's rich and Annie is broke, so you, know, we can't trust the upper class. We see early hints that that her life isn't as pleasant as it looks from the outside when her step-children curse at her after she greets them. It's obvious that both women are insecure. The conflict arises over jealousy and who can prove to be Lillian's bestest BFF. You know, because there can be only one. At least that's what this movie believes and it's an absurd premise for a movie.
The conflict between the two of them ranges from giving speeches, making the best wedding plans, having better connections and planning the bridal shower. The shower is where Annie reaches her limit and explodes. Her life is in shambles and she's been shown up over and over again by Helen. She screams at Helen and Lillian, destroys the decorations, loses her welcome to attend the wedding and leaves.
Eventually, Helen shows up on the day of the wedding to ask for Annie's help in searching for Lillian. The conflict is resolved between them as they drive. The conflict is resolved by Helen apologizing, admitting that she has a mostly unhappy life and crying a bit. Annie takes pleasure in Helen's tears and the fact that she is an "ugly crier". Then they start to respect each other. THAT'S CONFLICT RESOLUTION BETWEEN GIRLS!? They don't talk about anything. They don't really respect each other. Annie is just happy that Helen isn't as perfect as she thought. The rest of the movie is sprinkled with jokes about Helen getting things about Lillian wrong and proving to be less of an awesome best friend despite spending a lot of money on everything. So Annie wins the title of Lillian's BFF in the end because... because... the main character has to win? I really don't know.
The best part about this movie is the adorable Irish cop who is genuinely nice and is treated quite poorly by Annie. She flirts with him, sleeps with him, gets mad when he does something really nice (I think she was mad because he couldn't read her mind, I dunno) and then never calls or texts. There are also several scenes where she is intimidated by the happiness of others and even tries to bring people down from their happy moments of buying jewelry at her job. This is supposed to be funny, but it makes her a very unlikeable character.
The entire plot of this movie is based on jealousy and competition between women. It would be bad enough if it was over a man, where it's unacceptable to share in our society, but it's over a female friend. Having more than one female friend is totally acceptable, so why do they feel the need to fight over her. This absurd premise combined with the overall poorly designed and unlikeable main character (Do women have to be bitchy to be funny? No.) makes this movie difficult to enjoy.
The movie opens with some very awkward sex scenes. I'm sure this is supposed to be funny, but it just made me uncomfortable. The main character, Annie, is fucking her FWB and it's hard to believe that she's having a good time from what you see. Limbs flail around. She makes requests that are ignored by her lover. She wakes up before him in the morning and we see her sneaking back into bed after fixing her hair and makeup before crawling into bed. Is this really what we want, ladies? A relationship where the pressure to be pretty is so high that you have to sneak around to avoid being seen without your makeup on?
The sex negativity continues when she meets up with her friend, Lillian, for breakfast. Her friend shames her for visiting the FWB and they laugh about their mutual distaste blow jobs. It's funny because penises are gross, I think. Some time after that, her friend becomes engaged and that's where the girl vs girl competition begins. Annie is chosen as Lillian's Maid of Honor and is introduced to Helen, a new friend and member of the bridal party. Helen is a character with some negative traits, but even from the beginning she isn't completely unlikeable. She's kind and pleasant. She's rich and Annie is broke, so you, know, we can't trust the upper class. We see early hints that that her life isn't as pleasant as it looks from the outside when her step-children curse at her after she greets them. It's obvious that both women are insecure. The conflict arises over jealousy and who can prove to be Lillian's bestest BFF. You know, because there can be only one. At least that's what this movie believes and it's an absurd premise for a movie.
The conflict between the two of them ranges from giving speeches, making the best wedding plans, having better connections and planning the bridal shower. The shower is where Annie reaches her limit and explodes. Her life is in shambles and she's been shown up over and over again by Helen. She screams at Helen and Lillian, destroys the decorations, loses her welcome to attend the wedding and leaves.
Eventually, Helen shows up on the day of the wedding to ask for Annie's help in searching for Lillian. The conflict is resolved between them as they drive. The conflict is resolved by Helen apologizing, admitting that she has a mostly unhappy life and crying a bit. Annie takes pleasure in Helen's tears and the fact that she is an "ugly crier". Then they start to respect each other. THAT'S CONFLICT RESOLUTION BETWEEN GIRLS!? They don't talk about anything. They don't really respect each other. Annie is just happy that Helen isn't as perfect as she thought. The rest of the movie is sprinkled with jokes about Helen getting things about Lillian wrong and proving to be less of an awesome best friend despite spending a lot of money on everything. So Annie wins the title of Lillian's BFF in the end because... because... the main character has to win? I really don't know.
The best part about this movie is the adorable Irish cop who is genuinely nice and is treated quite poorly by Annie. She flirts with him, sleeps with him, gets mad when he does something really nice (I think she was mad because he couldn't read her mind, I dunno) and then never calls or texts. There are also several scenes where she is intimidated by the happiness of others and even tries to bring people down from their happy moments of buying jewelry at her job. This is supposed to be funny, but it makes her a very unlikeable character.
The entire plot of this movie is based on jealousy and competition between women. It would be bad enough if it was over a man, where it's unacceptable to share in our society, but it's over a female friend. Having more than one female friend is totally acceptable, so why do they feel the need to fight over her. This absurd premise combined with the overall poorly designed and unlikeable main character (Do women have to be bitchy to be funny? No.) makes this movie difficult to enjoy.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Oh, hai Reality!
Sunday was another icky day for me. My self esteem was in the crapper and I can't even blame my cycle. This time it was circumstantial and well, to be honest, kind of a pity party. My success with dating has been nonexistent for the last few weeks. I've had several cancelled dates, an uncomfortable encounter with a real life creeper, disappointment and weirdness with Hulk...
Everyone is getting laid but me. Hulk got it on with an okc match over the last few weeks. Hubby got it on with a 20 year old on Friday. NMB got it on with same-name-weird-spelling chic on Saturday. I got that news the same time I received the news that he wouldn't be able to join me on an upcoming float trip. This combination of events sent me to a rather ugly place for a day or so. I didn't sleep at all yesterday. It was a mini version of this. I wanted to fix my flawed thinking, but I couldn't do anything to make myself feel better. I was internalizing all of the external forces and decided that there was a fundamental flaw somewhere. I searched for it. And if I was fundamentally flawed (too fat? not smart enough? too emotional? overly attaching? just plain old shit?) why would NMB want to be in a relationship with me? When everyone I'm in a relationship with is connecting with new people and no one on okc is even giving me the time required to write a message, why would the people I'm in a relationship with want to continue to see me? It must be that they are just missing something. They somehow haven't seen the Big Flaw yet.
I was even giving myself a hard time for having these emotions. "See, why would anyone want you? You decide you want to be poly and you can't even handle it. You thought you were an emotionally healthy person and then, well, look at you. Just shit. You can't even get out of bed. Why would he want to date you when you can't even handle this minor little thing? Hubby's not going to tolerate this forever, now that he knows how easily he can find someone else, why would he put up with your crazy ass? You're just like your mother, melting down into crazy-mess." I was berating myself just for having the negative emotions, for not being perfectly even keel and taking it all in stride. The negative emotions formed a positive feedback loop of negativity.
feel bad about yourself --> feel worse about yourself for feeling bad about yourself --> feel even worse about yourself --> feel even worse about yourself for feeling even worse about yourself --> pile of shit
I began to pull myself out of it by reaching out to my friends. My friends are fantastic, by the way. It's not often that I need reassurance like this, but did they ever pull through. Everyone reminded me that this is temporary that Hubby was in the same place not so long ago and that's how dating goes. They all encouraged me in some way. One offered to be my pimp, one told me I was an awesome person... they all assured me that it would turn around. This was a start. I made a conscious decision to work through it, but how? Use your resources. In handling unfamiliar emotions with no cultural background noise to teach me what to do, I have to seek guidance from the masses of people who are have experienced this. I read some articles on http://www.morethantwo.com/ including this one on managing jealousy. I actually sat down and started making a list of things I value about myself. I realized that the things I was writing down are the same traits I value in others. This is the important stuff. This is the stuff that makes people good. As I wrote, I thought that little things that I don't like about me, such as occasionally losing control of my emotional state, are minor and that overall I'm a really good person, dammit. (+1) I found evidence for this in my long term friendships (+1) and support (+1) from these friends, many of whom are new friends because I make friends easily. (+1) I remembered that the whole reason this was possible for us was because I am open minded (+1) and can make positive change in my life when I see the need for it. (+1) I reminded myself that I'm a nurse and I save lives for cryin out loud! (+1) I was reminded that I've had coworkers tell me that they want to orient with me when they become nurses (+1). I've had new nurses tell me that I don't make them feel stupid when they ask a question. (+1)
The character points were building and I was getting closer to a level up.
I can pick out douchebags. (+1) Which is probably a big reason why I'm not dating a whole lot right now. I'm being selective. I'm not going out with the douchebags. The selection is thin and this doesn't reflect on me, it reflects on the dating pool. (+1) Just because creepers send me messages all the time, does not mean I'm worth less. (+1) This is part of having a high emotional IQ. (+1) People come to me for advice and leave feeling better. (+1)
LEVEL UP!
I had turned the corner. I was remembering how awesome I am. I am awesome. I'm not perfect, but there's no reason why I should hate myself for getting a little insecure.
These emotions are brand new with no social context. I'm sharing my husband and my boyfriend. How do you handle that? I have no real examples to follow. I haven't spent a lifetime watching sitcoms about resolving jealousy and insecurity in relationships. On the contrary, sitcoms, romantic comedies and internet memes reinforce jealousy as proof of love and commitment. They teach you to embrace it, not to battle it and beat it down to the depths where other irrational emotions belong. I can't expect myself to perform perfectly when faced with things that make me feel icky. This is a learning experience. That's why I'm writing this blog, to chronicle my mistakes, document my feelings, work through them with the written word and finally to have a record of my personal journey into making polyamory work.
I went to work on a definite upswing. I had a good night at work, where I felt like what I did mattered. My patients were all super nice and appreciative. I made it through my shift on the fumes of coca-cola and chocolate ice cream. When my head hit the pillow that morning, it was my 31st hour of no sleep. I slept great.
That afternoon, I received a text from NMB informing me that he had shared his google calendar with me. This is kind of a Big Deal in poly relationships from what I understand, at least in jest. I recognized this as a gesture. (You can correct me if I'm wrong.) I reciprocated and looking at each others' days we were able to pick a date for going to the drive-in finally! Once it was decided, we both plugged it into our calendars and they showed up at about the same time. It was nerdy and awesome. "Go go relationship!" he said.
This gesture put things into perspective for me. NMB made the move to share google calendars, my husband made me pizza when I was feeling down and hardly eating anything, my friends sent me encouraging texts... How dare I throw a pity party for myself? My life is rich with fun, interesting, intelligent and caring people that I value and that value me! How dare I take that for granted? I'm very obviously dating someone who cares enough to reach out with a gesture of intimacy when he didn't even know the full extent of my craptastic pile of poo day. I have a husband and a boyfriend and oh, by the way, they both cook for me. I say to myself, "Shut the fuck up, you fool! Look at what you have in your life! Look at it! The fact that they are bumping uglies with other pretty girls is of no consequence and is no reflection on you. The fact that you are getting piles of messages from douches on okc and a minimal reply rate doesn't mean you are broken! It means okc is full of douches! Appreciate what you have, work through the crappy feelings when they happen and shut the fuck up and be happy for yourself! You are graced with intimate relationships all around you from people who choose to be your friends and lovers. You have the freedom to turn friends into lovers and let each relationship be what it will. Shut this pity party down right now. No last call. It's over. Go on!"
Everyone is getting laid but me. Hulk got it on with an okc match over the last few weeks. Hubby got it on with a 20 year old on Friday. NMB got it on with same-name-weird-spelling chic on Saturday. I got that news the same time I received the news that he wouldn't be able to join me on an upcoming float trip. This combination of events sent me to a rather ugly place for a day or so. I didn't sleep at all yesterday. It was a mini version of this. I wanted to fix my flawed thinking, but I couldn't do anything to make myself feel better. I was internalizing all of the external forces and decided that there was a fundamental flaw somewhere. I searched for it. And if I was fundamentally flawed (too fat? not smart enough? too emotional? overly attaching? just plain old shit?) why would NMB want to be in a relationship with me? When everyone I'm in a relationship with is connecting with new people and no one on okc is even giving me the time required to write a message, why would the people I'm in a relationship with want to continue to see me? It must be that they are just missing something. They somehow haven't seen the Big Flaw yet.
I was even giving myself a hard time for having these emotions. "See, why would anyone want you? You decide you want to be poly and you can't even handle it. You thought you were an emotionally healthy person and then, well, look at you. Just shit. You can't even get out of bed. Why would he want to date you when you can't even handle this minor little thing? Hubby's not going to tolerate this forever, now that he knows how easily he can find someone else, why would he put up with your crazy ass? You're just like your mother, melting down into crazy-mess." I was berating myself just for having the negative emotions, for not being perfectly even keel and taking it all in stride. The negative emotions formed a positive feedback loop of negativity.
feel bad about yourself --> feel worse about yourself for feeling bad about yourself --> feel even worse about yourself --> feel even worse about yourself for feeling even worse about yourself --> pile of shit
I began to pull myself out of it by reaching out to my friends. My friends are fantastic, by the way. It's not often that I need reassurance like this, but did they ever pull through. Everyone reminded me that this is temporary that Hubby was in the same place not so long ago and that's how dating goes. They all encouraged me in some way. One offered to be my pimp, one told me I was an awesome person... they all assured me that it would turn around. This was a start. I made a conscious decision to work through it, but how? Use your resources. In handling unfamiliar emotions with no cultural background noise to teach me what to do, I have to seek guidance from the masses of people who are have experienced this. I read some articles on http://www.morethantwo.com/ including this one on managing jealousy. I actually sat down and started making a list of things I value about myself. I realized that the things I was writing down are the same traits I value in others. This is the important stuff. This is the stuff that makes people good. As I wrote, I thought that little things that I don't like about me, such as occasionally losing control of my emotional state, are minor and that overall I'm a really good person, dammit. (+1) I found evidence for this in my long term friendships (+1) and support (+1) from these friends, many of whom are new friends because I make friends easily. (+1) I remembered that the whole reason this was possible for us was because I am open minded (+1) and can make positive change in my life when I see the need for it. (+1) I reminded myself that I'm a nurse and I save lives for cryin out loud! (+1) I was reminded that I've had coworkers tell me that they want to orient with me when they become nurses (+1). I've had new nurses tell me that I don't make them feel stupid when they ask a question. (+1)
The character points were building and I was getting closer to a level up.
I can pick out douchebags. (+1) Which is probably a big reason why I'm not dating a whole lot right now. I'm being selective. I'm not going out with the douchebags. The selection is thin and this doesn't reflect on me, it reflects on the dating pool. (+1) Just because creepers send me messages all the time, does not mean I'm worth less. (+1) This is part of having a high emotional IQ. (+1) People come to me for advice and leave feeling better. (+1)
LEVEL UP!
I had turned the corner. I was remembering how awesome I am. I am awesome. I'm not perfect, but there's no reason why I should hate myself for getting a little insecure.
These emotions are brand new with no social context. I'm sharing my husband and my boyfriend. How do you handle that? I have no real examples to follow. I haven't spent a lifetime watching sitcoms about resolving jealousy and insecurity in relationships. On the contrary, sitcoms, romantic comedies and internet memes reinforce jealousy as proof of love and commitment. They teach you to embrace it, not to battle it and beat it down to the depths where other irrational emotions belong. I can't expect myself to perform perfectly when faced with things that make me feel icky. This is a learning experience. That's why I'm writing this blog, to chronicle my mistakes, document my feelings, work through them with the written word and finally to have a record of my personal journey into making polyamory work.
I went to work on a definite upswing. I had a good night at work, where I felt like what I did mattered. My patients were all super nice and appreciative. I made it through my shift on the fumes of coca-cola and chocolate ice cream. When my head hit the pillow that morning, it was my 31st hour of no sleep. I slept great.
That afternoon, I received a text from NMB informing me that he had shared his google calendar with me. This is kind of a Big Deal in poly relationships from what I understand, at least in jest. I recognized this as a gesture. (You can correct me if I'm wrong.) I reciprocated and looking at each others' days we were able to pick a date for going to the drive-in finally! Once it was decided, we both plugged it into our calendars and they showed up at about the same time. It was nerdy and awesome. "Go go relationship!" he said.
This gesture put things into perspective for me. NMB made the move to share google calendars, my husband made me pizza when I was feeling down and hardly eating anything, my friends sent me encouraging texts... How dare I throw a pity party for myself? My life is rich with fun, interesting, intelligent and caring people that I value and that value me! How dare I take that for granted? I'm very obviously dating someone who cares enough to reach out with a gesture of intimacy when he didn't even know the full extent of my craptastic pile of poo day. I have a husband and a boyfriend and oh, by the way, they both cook for me. I say to myself, "Shut the fuck up, you fool! Look at what you have in your life! Look at it! The fact that they are bumping uglies with other pretty girls is of no consequence and is no reflection on you. The fact that you are getting piles of messages from douches on okc and a minimal reply rate doesn't mean you are broken! It means okc is full of douches! Appreciate what you have, work through the crappy feelings when they happen and shut the fuck up and be happy for yourself! You are graced with intimate relationships all around you from people who choose to be your friends and lovers. You have the freedom to turn friends into lovers and let each relationship be what it will. Shut this pity party down right now. No last call. It's over. Go on!"
Monday, July 2, 2012
And my insecurities surface again...
Arg. This is so dumb. I wish I could turn this off. I'm feeling jealous, but not with Hubby. I'm feeling jealous with NMB. What does this mean? I haven't figured it out yet. I'll try to unpack it here.
So here's what's got me bothered and up blogging when I should be sleeping in preparation for a perfectly promising date tonight. I've had a string of unsuccessful dates, a long line of unanswered okc messages, a failed attempt at sex (I haven't even blogged about this. I hate to admit I'm almost too embarrassed, although it was not my fault), a cancelled date... I've been remarkably unsuccessful at dating lately.
When I last asked NMB what was going on in his dating life, I got the surprising answer that I was the only one he was seeing regularly. He said he was slowing down on dating at the moment. I guess this makes sense as his wife isn't dating right now either.
Then he tells me that he sent out a message to someone on OkC, went on a date with her and she went to Six Flags with his wife. He gave me her OkC name if I was curious. I shouldn't have looked. And I definitely shouldn't have looked at her FB after she posted on his wall.
First I'm going to break down why these feelings are irrational, then I will tell you the ridiculous reasons they are bothering me.
Here is why this situation is bothering me, irrational, all of them. But I'm just going to blurt them out and get it out of my system.
This is what I'm deciding. We've been seeing each other regularly long enough that I think it's reasonable that we define our relationship on some level. I will propose that we begin to use the terms boyfriend/girlfriend with the definition as follows. We continue to see each other and define things as we go along. We won't fade away, it's an official relationship in that it requires an official break up. I'll see him on Sunday and I need to bring this up then. (Posted late, Sunday is now in the past.)
UPDATE: Before I could post this I had a phone conversation with him that made me feel better. I called him after my awkward date. He seemed happy to hear from me, stayed on the phone for a long while and was hesitant to let me go, I think. He also mentioned this new girl and told me that we had the same name. I said, "Ah, so you are seeing two girls named Brazen then" He said, "Well, I don't know if I'm seeing her, we went on one date." Sigh. I blame the fact that my period just started on all of this irrational emotion. I felt much reassured after all of that.
So here's what's got me bothered and up blogging when I should be sleeping in preparation for a perfectly promising date tonight. I've had a string of unsuccessful dates, a long line of unanswered okc messages, a failed attempt at sex (I haven't even blogged about this. I hate to admit I'm almost too embarrassed, although it was not my fault), a cancelled date... I've been remarkably unsuccessful at dating lately.
When I last asked NMB what was going on in his dating life, I got the surprising answer that I was the only one he was seeing regularly. He said he was slowing down on dating at the moment. I guess this makes sense as his wife isn't dating right now either.
Then he tells me that he sent out a message to someone on OkC, went on a date with her and she went to Six Flags with his wife. He gave me her OkC name if I was curious. I shouldn't have looked. And I definitely shouldn't have looked at her FB after she posted on his wall.
First I'm going to break down why these feelings are irrational, then I will tell you the ridiculous reasons they are bothering me.
- I really am happy to keep things on a more casual level. I don't know what more serious would mean and I like our once weekly dates. I also don't want to give up any of my freedom as I'm only just enjoying it. With my work schedule, I only have 4 free nights a week.
- He is obviously interesting in continuing to date me. He just made arrangements to see me before his parents visit.
- He missed me while he was in France.
- He doesn't seem to end things with people he sees. From what he's told me, schedules and moves end his extra marital relationships.
- He went on a camping trip with me and we've discussed going on another one.
- He's not a Vapor Trail and yet that seems to be what I'm afraid of.
- We text on an almost daily basis and I've been told this is unusual for him.
- We're poly. He's not going to stop dating me because of somebody else.
Here is why this situation is bothering me, irrational, all of them. But I'm just going to blurt them out and get it out of my system.
- He messaged her despite saying that he wasn't really interested in dating other people right now. What makes her so special!
- She shares a craft skill with me, but she's way more prolific. In fact, I'm fairly certain I've seen her stuff at a local con. This should not bother me. I'm quite certain NMB doesn't care that she crochets more than I do. (Not necessarily better, mind you, just more.)
- Her first name is the same as mine, but she spells it in such a way that is contrived and retarded. I think Brayzin Bunnae would be the pseudonym equivalent. (Why does this matter? It's probably not even her fault!)
- I've decided I don't like her and she pisses me off despite the fact that we are a 92% match on OkC. (Okay, this is based on me thinking she seems really opinionated and obnoxious)
- NMB is the best thing I have going. That comes off sounding desperate, but I really do like spending time with him and I REALLY like the sex. I'd be pretty broken up about it if it failed.
- I'm PMSing. Shark Week is here and I'm feeling like crap-o-la.
This is what I'm deciding. We've been seeing each other regularly long enough that I think it's reasonable that we define our relationship on some level. I will propose that we begin to use the terms boyfriend/girlfriend with the definition as follows. We continue to see each other and define things as we go along. We won't fade away, it's an official relationship in that it requires an official break up. I'll see him on Sunday and I need to bring this up then. (Posted late, Sunday is now in the past.)
UPDATE: Before I could post this I had a phone conversation with him that made me feel better. I called him after my awkward date. He seemed happy to hear from me, stayed on the phone for a long while and was hesitant to let me go, I think. He also mentioned this new girl and told me that we had the same name. I said, "Ah, so you are seeing two girls named Brazen then" He said, "Well, I don't know if I'm seeing her, we went on one date." Sigh. I blame the fact that my period just started on all of this irrational emotion. I felt much reassured after all of that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)