First, there is the experience we had as a couple. I've blogged before about the challenges we've encountered with opening our marriage and the added stress of the pregnancy. Last night felt like the bookend to the beginning stages. I feel like we've achieved a comfort level together that was difficult to imagine not that long ago. The experience closed the first chapter on our poly life. We have graduated. I faced one of my fears in watching him with someone else. Coming from someone who once demanded a Don't Ask Don't Tell policy with my husband's porn viewing, this is a Big Deal. (This is not something I'm proud of, but it's true, blaming my Catholic upbringing goes a long way for crap like this.) It's a good example of how much I've managed to grow as a person in the last year. My confidence and security has increased exponentially. I watched him flirt and wrestle and eventually kiss another person and I never felt the slightest twinge of jealousy or anything icky. I was turned on! Compersion, I has it. My emotional homework was done and I was prepared for the test. I didn't have to think. The answers were there. I was proud of the way we communicated in the beginning and throughout the experience. It demonstrated our comfort level and the skills that we've learned. I can't say that I didn't have any insecurities. Having a new sex partner at this late stage of pregnancy did arouse some misgivings about my physical state, but I was reassured in a way that made me comfortable again. The whole thing felt natural and organic and comfortable and just nice... I did not expect it to be like that. I expected a certain amount of discomfort for my first experience. I was prepared to tread very carefully and take things slowly so that I could handle the negative emotions that were bound to come up. The negativity never happened. In the possibility of outcomes that I considered, one where everything went perfectly had never seemed a possibility. I just wanted to fuck up as little as possible. This is why I feel like we've graduated. We aren't noobs anymore. We can get things right the first time and walk away from a new and potentially delicate experience feeling good.
The second part of this is my first experience with a female bodied person. I first recognized my attraction to women in high school. Aside from a few experiences during truth or dare games while drinking underage, I had not had the opportunity to explore this side of my sexuality outside of my head. I had gone from one monogamous relationship with a man to another and at some point I started assuming that I wasn't bisexual at all. I wrote it off as teenage hormones being out of control. Why not? I was perfectly satisfied with my male partners. Opening had the side effect of reminding me of my attraction to women and gave me the opportunity to explore this again. There were a few awkward and uncomfortable dates at the beginning of my OkC exploration, but again life got in the way and I decided not to pursue the experience at this time. Then there was pregnancy and I put all new dating on hold. Again, I was looking at an unspecified date sometime far in the future to fulfill my desire for exploration with a female. I had accepted this.
Thanks to last night, I can now go into motherhood having experienced and fully embraced my bisexuality. I did not feel forced. I didn't feel like I was just performing for my husband. I was 100% in my body and in the moment. I wanted it. I enjoyed it. I want it again. Any self doubts I had about misinterpreting my attractions have evaporated. I can completely claim bisexuality as a part of my identity, just as I can claim poly. I don't have to wait and wonder about this any longer.
I can't complete this post without expressing my gratitude to the person who gave us this gift. I hope that she will spend more time with us in the future. She is kind and comfortable and sweet. She is beautiful and warm. She gave us a special experience and I will be forever grateful.
