How I Turned My Pregnant Outburst Into A Healthy Sexual Activity (And Made My Husband More Likely to Continue to Tolerate Me)

So this morning I scheduled my genetic testing appointment.  (If you hang on through the following description, I promise you a sexy story!)  Tomorrow morning, they are going to stick a needle up through my vag, past my cervix, into my uterus and insert it into my placenta.  From there, they will collect a small amount of cells that should determine the genotype of this little human I'm incubating.  I chose this method, CVS or chorionic villus sampling over the alternative, amniocentesis, because it can be done sooner.  This is important in my case because I know that if the fetus is carrying the unbalanced translocated chromosomes that it's more than likely not compatible with life and therefore I will terminate the pregnancy.  When termination is on the table, it is better to do this earlier rather than later.  Since it takes two weeks to get results from either method, it puts you much further into the pregnancy before you get the information to base your decision on.  The earliest an amnio can be performed is at 16 weeks.  That would put me at 18 weeks at the earliest before I could make the decision and follow through to terminate.  This would also put me smack dab in the middle of the Christmas season to kill my broken fetus, if it were to come to that.  It is also important to me that a decision be made before I start to feel the thing moving.  I don't want to feel the fetus wriggling around knowing it was on death row.  I'm a strong person and I've always known that termination was a possibility for me, but lets make it as easy as possible, shall we?  In addition, the sooner the procedure is performed, the less overall risks there are to my health.

This is heavy stuff.  I'm a bit anxious about this.  Because of the timing of the appointment, I'll be going alone.  I expect that the procedure itself won't be much different in practice compared to the hysterosalpingogram I had in January, so I'm not too worried about that.  I am however, nervous about the 1 in 200 risk of miscarriage and facing that after working 12 hours and getting little sleep.

When my husband approached me in the way that says, "I expect sex now." I kind of freaked out.  My anxiety and tiredness and pregnancy hormones sent me into a tirade which ended with me in the shower after yelling that I would be sure to fuck him.  While in the shower I unpacked and aired my anxiety and what it is really related to and came up with a good solution.  Since it seems a poor idea to have sex this morning, less than 24 hours from the CVS, I offered to suck his cock instead.

He was skeptical.  I told him to watch porn while I did so.  He reluctantly agreed.  I knelt in front of him at his computer and he watched a vanilla amateurish porn of man and a big-titted blonde woman.  This was not a very long blow job.  I found myself relaxing and getting turned on as I did my thing.   The subservient and submissive aspect of it turned me on.

It's a simple thing, but it was new to us and it was fun.  It also helped me make up for being a raging irrational misdirecting bitch a few minutes before.  And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why sex is important for marriages.

Whatever happens with the pregnancy, I will blog about it here.  If termination becomes something we face, this blog is the only outlet I have to discuss it publicly.  In my profession, I would be judged harshly and I draw the line at what I will put myself through.  However, I will always be open and honest in this forum.

My anonymous blog is not so anonymous anymore

Two days ago, I did a little shameless self promotion on r/polyamory.  Why not?  I had a post that I thought was fun/funny and would appeal to a large number of Internet users/poly people so I went for it and posted up a link.  After a few upvotes, I was given a sudden burst of traffic to the site.  The most exciting thing about this is that people clicked around and read other posts, not most people, but some people liked my writing enough to click around and see more of it.  Other people took the time to comment on several posts.  This is pretty cool, but also terrifying.  The anonymity of my online journal is broken at least to an extent.

It started when NMB finally found the right set of words to Google.  He shared it with his wife.  Then my Reddit self-promotion lead to this happening:

Yep.  I ran into one of my boyfriend's other____ (dates? lovers? Gawd, lovers sounds so cheesy.  I don't know the right word... but you get the picture.) on Reddit.  This lead to a PM where we confirmed each other's identity and that I am, indeed on her polycule diagram on Fetlife as I suspected.  This lead to me texting NMB to tell him who I met and where, which lead to both him and his wife popping onto the thread to say hello.

I'm so amused by this, but again, a little afraid.  A comment left today lets me know that at least one other person mentioned in my writing has read my blog.  Big City's poly community is small enough that I was personally recognized by a stranger from a post on r/polyamory.  It's impossible for my writing to not be affected by this somehow.  I have already held back on writing about certain subjects/people when I knew that they were reading.  I'll be a bit more sensitive to this fact, for sure, but it's important to me that I continue to write in a way that is honest and true about my experiences.  Therefore, you won't see me sugar coating and pretending the icky feelings aren't there.  If there is one thing about poly that has met my expectations is that it's a lot of work.  I don't want to misrepresent this.  Like my friend that divorced us said, "Feelings will get hurt." I never denied the truth to that, but I knew the risk/benefit made it worth it.  I also knew that Hubby and I were up to the challenge and that we could get through it.  That's what is important for me to document here.  If anyone is going to read this, I want them to know that this is not easy, but that these problems are solvable.  Every relationship has it's problems and challenges.  Sometimes a couple makes a choice to do something hard for the chance of a better life, like moving or taking a job in a different city or having children.  They accept the challenge so that the rewards will be felt by both of them in the future.  Deciding to become poly is the same sort of mentality.  We went at it together, knowing that the work would pay off in the end with a new, more free relationship model.

WHOA, sorry TANGENT!

The point is, what is the point?  Oh yes, the point is that despite my total anonymity being broken about and scattered to all the corners of the universe, I want to do my best to continue to write as though no one is reading.  I don't want to hide the icky stuff for the sake of people I know are reading it or might be reading it.  This means I have to suck it up and accept that I'm baring my chest a little bit, even for the things/behaviors/thoughts/emotions that I'm not proud of.  Now, throw me some beads. ('Cause I'm baring my chest, get it?  Get it?  You know, I've never done that...  but I just thought about it and I don't feel like I'm missing much.)

Actually, the main point here is that if you find yourself the subject of one of these, don't get mad, learn from your mistakes and know that I'm remaining true to myself.  You put yourself out there and so did I.  Ha. (But seriously, learn from your mistakes, ok?)