I've spent this Saturday afternoon and last Saturday afternoon at fourth birthday parties for two different children. Last week was my boyfriend's daughter. This week was my niece. There were worlds of differences between these parties and only one of them was enjoyable for me.
Last week, there were many kids at the party. They were loud and boisterous and had a great time. The parents were older, late twenties/thirties, and attentive to their kids. The kids played together and with the adults. Some of the adults drank beer and played rock band. There was good conversation about intelligent topics and a general family-friendly feel. Each set of parents was responsible for their kid, but everyone kept an eye out in general. It was laid back and enjoyable. I wasn't bothered by the experienced mothers talking to me about being pregnant. It turned out to be a great conversation starter and made me feel comfortable in the group. Oh, and there were 3 poly couples at this party and 2 additional poly people that were there "solo", only in the sense that they were not accompanied by a primary partner as the couples were. I'd say that made maybe 1/3-1/2 of the attendees poly.
Today... ah, well, today was a different story. I am thankful to have the opportunity to vent about this on my anonymous blog as it is directly insulting to my family. Oh, where do I start? First of all, I intentionally show up late as I've learned that it helps to minimize the amount of time I feel awkward and stressed. I can blend into the crowd right away and hide. The weather was nice and everyone was in the back yard as I arrived. I come in through the gate and I am instantly bombarded with small children who want to pet the dog I brought to visit with my niece. Soon, I a have my first awkward encounter. My ex-step-father is standing in the doorway to the house, completely filling it and just standing there. I have to ask him to move so I can put my gift inside. I no longer speak to this man except at occasions like this. I say no more than I must to get by socially. Several years ago, he threatened me vaguely over the phone and I ended all relations with him at that time. I will not reconnect. I don't hold a grudge, but I don't need that in my life. At these events, I walk a fine line of communication that sends a clear signal of what I am willing to give.
The party gradually filters inside and I take stock of the attendees. The kids are mostly younger than my niece with a much younger set of parents. Many of them want to talk to me about being pregnant. I have little interest in this, but I try to be conscious of my age-bias and attempt to be friendly. One of them says to me, "I just hate how tiny you are!" I reply, "Thank you?" This mother would prove to be a real piece of work by the end of the party and that was my first taste of her personality. Actually, let's go ahead and talk about Miss Thing for a moment. She is approximately 20-21 years old. She has 3 children, the two oldest are 10 months apart and probably about 2 and 3 years old, both boys. The youngest was a baby girl, maybe 6 -8 months old who spend most of the time I saw her in the car seat. The boys were eating candy the entire time. She kept telling them, "No more candy" while doing nothing to stop them. She didn't take away the candy they had. She didn't put the candy out of reach. Her words were empty and without consequence. Eventually, she put the baby in the car seat and propped up a bottle for her, never checking back to see how she did with it. I watched her lose the nipple and quickly maneuver it back into her mouth. Good kid. Near me, one of the toddler boys grabbed a bottle of beer and took a big swig. Across the room, someone notices and hollers out, "Hey, that little boy has a beer!" Miss Thing takes the beer away and says, "You can't have that! A sip is okay, but not a whole drink!"
WHAT. What? WHAT! what.
Can someone please explain to me why a 2 year old needs to know what beer tastes like and why you are announcing at a party that you allow your toddlers the occasional alcoholic drink? He was clearly not put off by the taste so I doubt this was the first time. This was when I decided that I really didn't like her. The party was wrapping up now and some people leave. I've noticed that one of the young moms has had her little girl, who is at crawling age, on her lap or within arms reach the entire time and I decide that I can have a nice conversation with her. While this is going on, people start lighting up cigarettes in the house. From now until the time I leave the party, there are at least 2 cigarettes burning in the room with me. No one asks. No one politely goes to the basement to smoke or outside where it's not even cold. Funny thing is, the male smokers did not smoke around me. It was only women and mothers themselves. Really? I send my brother across the room to retrieve my hoodie from the direct line of contamination. This is when I start planning my escape, but I had waited too long.
Soon, everyone disappears downstairs to partake in a different sort of smoke. Apparently, a child turning 4 is an occasion suitable for illegal drug use. (I am not opposed to the use of certain illegal drugs, but I have issues with being left responsible for other people's children while they use. I also have this crazy idea that maybe it's not a good idea at a child's birthday party.) I am left upstairs with the one responsible young parent, my teenage brother and everyone's kids. No one asked me to watch them. No one asked me if I minded. I'm 33 weeks pregnant and suddenly responsible for a small day care. Car Seat Baby was placed in front of the TV and the candy-coated toddler boys were left to wander. I stopped my niece from giving the baby small choking hazards and from weaving a balloon string through the toys of the baby's car seat. I got to practice my mom voice on the Candy Twins when they attempted to wander upstairs. They listened. I chatted with Responsible Young Mom and did the minimum necessary to keep these children alive. I really wanted to bathe the Candy Twins. Their candy coated skin had attracted circles of dirt on their faces and hands. They were filthy. Eventually, everyone returns to the main floor and I start making moves towards the door.
At one point, my niece's grandmother visits my side of the room with a lit cigarette hanging from her mouth. She's putting my niece's coat on and asks me to zip it so she doesn't have to "bend over and get smoke in the baby's face". I was too polite to say, "What about my face, bitch? I can't walk up a flight of stairs without stopping halfway and you are polluting my air." and was content to know that I would be leaving very soon. I grabbed my stuff, leashed the dog (who I had been watching more closely than Miss Thing had been watching her children) and started saying my goodbyes. Then I see why my niece was being prepared for going outside. Miss Thing's Baby Daddy has arrived with a toddler sized Spongebob Squarepants bounce house. It inflated quickly. I quickly note that it is not staked down and that there is a fair amount of breeze. I turn to my mother who is drunk and high.
"You know those things are supposed to be staked down? I've seen some horrible videos on the Internet of them flying through the air with children inside of them."
"Brazen, You are scaring me!"
"It's pretty breezy out here. I'm leaving before I have to do CPR on any kids." And with that, I took my leave of the situation and washed my hands of all responsibility for other people's children.
Two birthday parties. One thrown and attended by practicers of a "radical" lifestyle. One thrown by my sister and attended by her other young mother friends. One was a loving and safe environment for children and enjoyed by adults alike. One was a hot mess that stressed me out for fear of the safety of children and blatant irresponsibility of most of the parents there. There were exactly 3 adults at that party that had any right to be trusted with a child. Only one of them was actually a parent and she needs new friends. Just another reason why I've become a firm believer in building a family of choice. My family of chance is cray cray. Now if you'll excuse me, I feel like I need a flipping nap after all of that!
Showing posts with label raising kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label raising kids. Show all posts
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Monday, December 3, 2012
Raising a Gender Neutral Boy
This showed up in my Facebook feed this morning http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/26/gender-bias-egalia-preschool_n_884866.html It's about a preschool in Sweden where the kids are placed in a strict gender neutral environment. It's an interesting concept. Gender roles and how to raise gender neutral kids has been on my mind since I started thinking about having kids and even more so now that I'm pregnant.
I think I was well prepared on how to deal with gender stereotypes if I was having a girl. After all, I'm a girl and I was raised with a lot of boyish influence. My dad raised me as a single father. He taught me to ride a bike, tolerated me building very dangerous and unstable forts in the backyard, enrolled me in softball year after year, sent me to summer camp and never yelled at me for getting dirty. I also had pink carpeting in my bedroom, got Barbies for my birthday when I asked for Ninja Turtles and X-Men action figures, was encouraged by my mother to dress to "show off my figure" and never had anyone properly explain my aunt who wore her hair in a duck tail and always had a female "friend" with her when she visited during holidays. (I figured that out when my aunt and her friend adopted a child together.) My parents made no deliberate attempt to shelter me from gender stereotypes, but they didn't strictly adhere to them either. It's a foundation that I could easily build on if I was having a daughter. Something I looked forward to, even. (As if buying her all the Ninja Turtles would somehow make up for my bitterness over only receiving April O'Neil. Good thing I had a brother who got the rest of the figures and didn't mind a playmate. What does one do with a single yellow-jump suited April figure? Collect expose stories on Barbie and Ken?)
But, as fate would have it, I am not having a girl. The genetic screening revealed XY chromosomes and hopefully, when we have our 20 week ultrasound, we'll locate his penis. People love to tell you that boys are easier than girls. I'm not sure I believe that. For some reason, this makes the whole gender neutrality issue much different in my mind. I had no qualms about giving a toddler girl dinosaurs or Legos or Nerf guns, but I don't see myself buying a little boy a baby doll or fake makeup. If only he had a sister that he could guiltlessly borrow those toys from! Perhaps part of my hesitation is that desire to protect your child from the judgement of others. I was teased in grade school for a lot of things, but wearing Ninja Turtle shoes was among them. I can only imagine what a boy with a Barbie would face when walking into a Kindergarten classroom. Then again, conformity is not how you prevent bullying. That's not a lesson I want to teach my kid at all! Dammit, there is so much to think about with this parenting crap. No wonder everyone screws it up at least a little bit.
Perhaps part of my bias is just because boy toys are cool. Dinosaurs and robots and action figures and trucks and projectiles... I want to play with those! I don't want to play with baby dolls and change fake diapers. I am already projecting my personal toy bias on my child when I eye up the Imaginext toys at Target and look forward to buying armored dinosaurs with human riders.
And so, I think the best way to approach this is to let my kid make his own decisions. If he wants a play kitchen so he can pretend to cook like his daddy (he does not want to cook like his mommy, that's for sure) then I'll hook him up. If he wants to decorate his room with sports balls, then he can do that too. He can watch My Little Pony or Batman, either is fine. If he wants to wear pink socks and carry a satchel, I'll support that. He will already be given a strong example with parents who don't conform to gender roles. His mom will be the primary wage earner, albeit in a gender stereotypical role, and his dad will be his stay at home caregiver. He'll grow up seeing our poly lifestyle, which is empowering for all genders and orientations. He will be raised around our friends, some of whom are gay many are bisexual. He'll watch football games with his grandpa and play fantasy themed board games with his grandma. He will be surrounded by influence. I think the most important thing will be to foster a sense of independence of gender and of societal roles in general. This would be no different for a boy or a girl.
Conclusion: I need to get over my gender biases and focus on letting my kid pick what he wants to wear and what he wants to play with. Gender neutrality is not determined by toys. Personality is not determined by gender. I still wanted the rest of the X-men, even if they only bought me Storm. Not having them didn't make me enjoy the show any less. I was genuinely confused as to why they didn't just get me the toys I asked for. Why have a box of Barbies in closet and leave me to sneak off to my brother's room to play with the rest of the X-men? If my boy wants to play with a baby doll that wets itself, then his desire won't change and whatever it is in his personality that lead him to make that choice isn't going anywhere either. That piece of his personality might leave him open to ridicule from other kids, but so might a speech impediment or a liking for books or being bad at sports. Gender really isn't the issue at all. It's about letting my kid be who he wants to be and properly preparing him for a world that may or may not accept him for who he is. It's about arming him with confidence and conflict resolution skills and emotional intelligence, not about keeping him safe from the opinion of others. These are the more important lessons and gender roles will fall in line behind those lessons however they need to.
I think I was well prepared on how to deal with gender stereotypes if I was having a girl. After all, I'm a girl and I was raised with a lot of boyish influence. My dad raised me as a single father. He taught me to ride a bike, tolerated me building very dangerous and unstable forts in the backyard, enrolled me in softball year after year, sent me to summer camp and never yelled at me for getting dirty. I also had pink carpeting in my bedroom, got Barbies for my birthday when I asked for Ninja Turtles and X-Men action figures, was encouraged by my mother to dress to "show off my figure" and never had anyone properly explain my aunt who wore her hair in a duck tail and always had a female "friend" with her when she visited during holidays. (I figured that out when my aunt and her friend adopted a child together.) My parents made no deliberate attempt to shelter me from gender stereotypes, but they didn't strictly adhere to them either. It's a foundation that I could easily build on if I was having a daughter. Something I looked forward to, even. (As if buying her all the Ninja Turtles would somehow make up for my bitterness over only receiving April O'Neil. Good thing I had a brother who got the rest of the figures and didn't mind a playmate. What does one do with a single yellow-jump suited April figure? Collect expose stories on Barbie and Ken?)
But, as fate would have it, I am not having a girl. The genetic screening revealed XY chromosomes and hopefully, when we have our 20 week ultrasound, we'll locate his penis. People love to tell you that boys are easier than girls. I'm not sure I believe that. For some reason, this makes the whole gender neutrality issue much different in my mind. I had no qualms about giving a toddler girl dinosaurs or Legos or Nerf guns, but I don't see myself buying a little boy a baby doll or fake makeup. If only he had a sister that he could guiltlessly borrow those toys from! Perhaps part of my hesitation is that desire to protect your child from the judgement of others. I was teased in grade school for a lot of things, but wearing Ninja Turtle shoes was among them. I can only imagine what a boy with a Barbie would face when walking into a Kindergarten classroom. Then again, conformity is not how you prevent bullying. That's not a lesson I want to teach my kid at all! Dammit, there is so much to think about with this parenting crap. No wonder everyone screws it up at least a little bit.
Perhaps part of my bias is just because boy toys are cool. Dinosaurs and robots and action figures and trucks and projectiles... I want to play with those! I don't want to play with baby dolls and change fake diapers. I am already projecting my personal toy bias on my child when I eye up the Imaginext toys at Target and look forward to buying armored dinosaurs with human riders.
And so, I think the best way to approach this is to let my kid make his own decisions. If he wants a play kitchen so he can pretend to cook like his daddy (he does not want to cook like his mommy, that's for sure) then I'll hook him up. If he wants to decorate his room with sports balls, then he can do that too. He can watch My Little Pony or Batman, either is fine. If he wants to wear pink socks and carry a satchel, I'll support that. He will already be given a strong example with parents who don't conform to gender roles. His mom will be the primary wage earner, albeit in a gender stereotypical role, and his dad will be his stay at home caregiver. He'll grow up seeing our poly lifestyle, which is empowering for all genders and orientations. He will be raised around our friends, some of whom are gay many are bisexual. He'll watch football games with his grandpa and play fantasy themed board games with his grandma. He will be surrounded by influence. I think the most important thing will be to foster a sense of independence of gender and of societal roles in general. This would be no different for a boy or a girl.
Conclusion: I need to get over my gender biases and focus on letting my kid pick what he wants to wear and what he wants to play with. Gender neutrality is not determined by toys. Personality is not determined by gender. I still wanted the rest of the X-men, even if they only bought me Storm. Not having them didn't make me enjoy the show any less. I was genuinely confused as to why they didn't just get me the toys I asked for. Why have a box of Barbies in closet and leave me to sneak off to my brother's room to play with the rest of the X-men? If my boy wants to play with a baby doll that wets itself, then his desire won't change and whatever it is in his personality that lead him to make that choice isn't going anywhere either. That piece of his personality might leave him open to ridicule from other kids, but so might a speech impediment or a liking for books or being bad at sports. Gender really isn't the issue at all. It's about letting my kid be who he wants to be and properly preparing him for a world that may or may not accept him for who he is. It's about arming him with confidence and conflict resolution skills and emotional intelligence, not about keeping him safe from the opinion of others. These are the more important lessons and gender roles will fall in line behind those lessons however they need to.
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