The Emotional Storm Breaks

So my husband did a stupid male thing.  He not only insisted that I wear my wedding ring on my dates, but he insisted that I wear the good ring.  The one HE got me.  The expensive one with the diamonds.  The same ring I wore for 5 years before it was ever paired with the band that made it really serious.   He rarely wears his ring, which is why he forgot it today.  He forgot to wear his ring when he went on his first poly date.

I was doing fine until I saw that.  It took me a while, but I was even able to fall asleep despite being pissed.  I need to talk about it, but I can't right now.  I wanted to wait until he got home and had a good time.  I didn't want to put a damper on his good time.  Forgetting his ring made me doubt him.  When I texted him, I couldn't look at my phone for several minutes after because I was truly expecting him to not text me back right away.  It was all due to the ring.

But he had to come home and wake me up and ask my permission for something.  He came home to ask my permission for something that I didn't give a fuck about.  Now I will blog in the present tense for a while.

"I don't give a fuck about that.  I do give a fuck about this."  I hold up my left hand where I had placed his ring on my thumb.  His ring fits perfectly on my left thumb, but not my right.  The morbid part of my brain took note of this some time ago.  In case I become a widow, I would wear it like that.  He's leaning close because he just kissed me and I'm holding my thumb up between our faces.

"What?"  He stares at me.  I gently shake my thumb.  He stares.  I shake my thumb.  He stares.

"Your fucking ring."  He hangs his head forward and I start mumbling a string of thoughts, "...this really upsets me...  I didn't want to bring it up until you got home because I really want you to have a good time...  but this really really upsets me."  He apologizes and I know he's truly sorry, but suddenly the undercurrent of emotions wells up from beneath the surface and I feel it under my breastbone.  I beat it back for now because it's not fair of me to interrupt his date.  She's in the car, I assume.  I continue my string of thoughts, "I know it's just a fucking inanimate object and it doesn't prove your love for me and I know you really truly forgot it and it's fucking stupid for me to feel like this."

"No,"  he said.  He places his hand firmly on my breastbone like he knows that's where the hurt is.  He assures me that I am right to feel like this.  He wants to cry.  He promises we'll talk about it later.  He loves me.  My eyes are closed throughout most of this.  I have only been sleeping for about 2 hours.  I tell him this.  He apologizes for it.

He uses the bathroom.  Tells me again how much he loves me and starts to leave.

"Do you think you might kiss me again before you go?"  I say and I know I sound like a whiny bitch.

"Of course." He says and he does.  He promises that we'll talk later.

All of this would have been easier if he was climbing into bed with me instead of going back out with her.  As soon as he leaves, the tears collect behind my closed eyelids and threaten to pour out.  Instead, I climbed out of bed and blogged.

As sensitive as he is, he can sure do some really fucking stupid things.  But honestly, I'm not sure if forgetting the ring truly made it harder or if it gave me something to focus on.  It does make me feel a little betrayed.  And having him come home for a moment like that, wake me up and then leave again is really going to make it fucking hard to go to work tonight.  I don't see myself getting back to sleep.  I hurt to fucking much right now.  I could have slept through it, but now I'm awake and processing emotions that fucking suck and are necessary, but I need him here to work through them.  Dammit!  Boys are stupid! 

I spend the next ten minutes texting him these feelings.  It doesn't help and I probably just make myself look crazy.  And I'm probably scaring his date, who isn't even looking at this like a date.  Why did he have to make this so much fucking harder than it already was?  We don't get a chance to talk until tomorrow morning now and I get to go to work emotionally distraught and with no sleep. 

Jealousy vs Compersion

Someone once taught me a way to combat anxiety.  Since it is impossible to be anxious and relaxed at the same time, you can use relaxation techniques to gain control over your anxiety.  They are mutually exclusive.  When I learned the awesome new vocabulary word, compersion, I assumed that it worked against jealousy like relaxation works against anxiety.  I am finding this not to be true. 

I just kissed my husband goodbye and gave him mints from my purse so he could go on his first date with a woman outside of our marriage.  He's really excited about this and it's made him very happy.  It's much better than him thinking he'd get no dates.  To boot, she seems really cool.  She responds well to his sense of humor and she's cute.  He thinks we'd get along.  Despite all of this and although I more compersive than anxious/jealous/nervous, the undercurrent of icky feelings is still there. 

I don't share the kink he has.  At least I don't think I'll get turned on when he describes his experiences with other women.  That seems to have made it a little easier for him.  But I am also heartened by the fact that this woman has warned him that she moves really slow when it comes to relationships.

When I get into a cold pool, sometimes I jump in quickly and sometimes I wade in slowly.  Often, I wade in slowly until it gets really hard and then I force myself to dunk the rest.  Right now, I'm wading in slowly.  My comfort level will grow with time.  I'm already feeling much better about it than I ever thought that I would.  It helps that I've had good experiences first.  This way, I can think about how happy I've been and remind myself that I want the same for him.  Eventually, I'll be able to brace myself, squeal a little and let my knees relax so I plunge under the water with no regrets.

I'm rambling.  I should also mention I'm having a small drink to help my relaxation level.  It's an Iced Hot Chocolate containing, milk, ice, dark chocolate syrup and marshmallow vodka.  It's delicious and hazardous to blogging.  I think it's best if I go reread a chapter in The Ethical Slut now. 

UPDATE: (I always hear this in my head like it was said on Unsolved Mysteries)

One of our agreements was that we would each wear our wedding rings when we went out on a date. When I went out with CJB, he made me wear the good ring, not the plain one I wear to work. I, of course, complied.

He left his ring at home and that makes me quite sad. I don't want him to know how sad until later. Because I still want him to have a good time. This isn't the first time I've had to forgive him for doing something stupid. Nothing has been a huge deal, but it does make it harder on me. I need to be able to trust him. Dammit.

I was doing so well. Now I kind of feel like shit, but I still want him to have at good time, so that's a good sign, right?

Fuck.

Cuckolded?

I'd like to share this segment from Wikipedia for your learning pleasure...

On Cuckolding...

... when a man believes that his female mate may have been sexual with another man, the man mate is prompted by biological urges to copulate with the female, in an effort to "compete" with the other man's sperm. The effects of sperm competition are well documented. Further, when initiating sex, the man mate thrusts harder, deeper and longer, in efforts to remove the sperm of the other man and is biologically driven to have sex multiple times. While he may be unable to have sex more than once under usual circumstances, the cuckolded man is prone to repeated sexual efforts.

Holy fuck it's true.  At least in my marriage it is.  After my second poly date, my hubby wanted the details texted to him, in story format, so he could know exactly what happened.  I texted him the whole story while sitting at my favorite bar enjoying a Woodchuck and listening to a terrible band.  (I waited far too long to dig my earplugs out of my purse.)  When I got home, we FB messaged further and he read my blog post...

I'm horny now again

good.

Yes reading about you jerking him gets me going you fucking slut

I can see your tits most any time and Im slightly jealous that he got to see them. But don't take that wrong

Jealous of the situation

Jealous of the story

because you were stuck at work? 

don't be jealous. he went home without any relief.

you get to come home and fuck the shit out of me

Wasn't planning on fucking shit out unless you want me to.

Though I'm pent up enough to go in that door...if you tell me to.

Otherwise you mouth and pussy will be more than enough

You better be wearing something good or you'll be quite sorry

something good, huh?

hmmm.

Or maybe you'll just let me think your sorry so ill stop smacking you and give you your orgasm

fuck

how are you going to hide your hard cock in your scrubs? 

I just got myself off

Bitch your slutty enough already don't get pleasure out of this.

Your ass is gonna have my fingerprints tattooed on it if you don't shape up

You just get into something that tells me your sorry for being a slut that gets free meals and gives teasing hand jobs

And when I'M READY I MIGHT forgive you enough to taste that dripping snatch of yours

ok <3

I'm out. I don't even want to talk to you right now.

 Just be ready, and you Wait till I'M READY

Now, I'm a feminist, I assure you.  But when I saw those messages sitting there in the bottom right hand corner of my screen...  I knew I had awakened something in my man that I had never seen before and I was excited and tiny bit scared.  I wanted him to come home and make him his again.

I went through the new lingerie that I bought just last week and picked something out.  I had finally bought a plain black garter belt and thigh high fishnet stockings.  This is what I knew I would wear.  I paired them with a sexy too small bra and matching panties in bright pink and black lace.  I wore high heeled shoes.  I decided that it needed a little more mystery to be unraveled.  I put on a short black skirt and white blouse that I left unbuttoned at the top.  Then I put my long red pea coat on.  All you could see was the fishnets and the heels.  He likes surprises.

When the doorknob clicked and he walked in, I was wet with excitement.  A few minutes of idol chat and when I took off the coat...  the look of admiration and love on that man's face was like I've never seen it before.  It didn't take long for us to get serious.

He berated me for being a tease and made me promise that next time, I'd suck his cock.  He made me show him how on his cock.  I begged him to eat my pussy and he finally gave in.  I had several orgasms before he plunged his big dick into me and began to take back what was his.  He rocked my world.  But it was only after I said the following that he became more intense than I've ever seen him.  My hubby is an intense dude, but this came from some passionate place I don't see very often.

"My pussy is yours.  My tits are fucking yours."

He titled his head forward, narrowed his eyes and fucked me harder.  He gripped my legs and pulled them tightly against himself, hugging them almost.  He started talking quietly, intensely.  I stopped moaning so I could pay attention, but I couldn't hear everything.  This is what I could make out.

".... I fucking love you so fucking much...."
thrust   
"....  would kill for you...."
thrust
" ....  I would fucking die for you...."
thrust

Passionate. Fucking. Shit. Right. There.

"I want to give you my cum.  Do you want my cum?"

"Yes I want your cum."

Thrust, thrust, slip, shit, position change, now I'm on my knees and he's fucking me from behind....

He asked me again about being a slut and I promised not to be a tease next time.  He flipped me over on my back and held my legs in the air tightly against him.  His whole body was glowing with a layer of sweat.

"Give me your cum!  I want your cum!  I'm cumming!"

I was still coming as he pulled out.  Then he did something he's never done before, something I didn't know he ever had a desire to do.  He ate his own cum out of my pussy.  He lapped it up.  It was so raw and passionate!  

This is my husband, folks.  Be jealous.  Now I just need to get him out on a damn date.


At this point, I find it hard to imagine any of this tearing us apart, can you?

A Dichotomy of Reactions

I've been on two dates since we began our exploration of polyamory.  One with CJB and one with TS.  Let's break this down.

On the first date, with TS, there was a mere kiss.  I was able to come home to my husband right away. 

On the second date, with CJB, there was a whole lot of kissing, he experienced my boobs and I touched his penis before the cop busted up the par-tay.  Hubby was at work and unable to see me immediately afterwards. 

Hubby's reaction to these two events was completely different.  After TS, he became intensely sad in a way that I had never seen him before.  I doubted whether any of this was a good idea and I seriously thought about cancelling my date with CJB.  It took some time for him to come around and fuck me the way I described in my previous blog post.  After CJB, he wanted the details texted to him right away, in a story format.  He couldn't wait for me to finish my blog post so he could read it at work.  He sent me dirty messages via facebook chat, aggressive dirty messages!  I reread them while I was waiting for him to come home and got my fresh panties all wet.  When he got home, he fucked me in a way I've never been fucked before.  Details forthcoming on that tryst and holy fuck are they gonna be good.

So why the difference in the 2 reactions?  He has determined that it was the guy involved.  TS is clearly only interested in sex and seems less than trustworthy for a number of reasons.  As I said before, the Spidey Sense is tingling...  In fact, he put the nail in his coffin when he texted me at 3:43am to ask how my date went.  He's also noticed when I've been online and questioned the time of day for me to be awake.  When I said something about late night breakfasts working well for me, he said "it can be our thing".  The fact is, it's my thing with a lot of people.  He's attempted some sort of contact every day since our first meeting and I really don't want that kind of intensity in my life right now.  It's a little unnerving.  Hubby compared the way he was feeling to when he was in high school and a girl he had a genuine nice-guy crush on would lose her virginity to some asshole.  He just felt sad.  If my spidey sense is tingling and it makes hubby feel uncomfortable, then it has to stop.  Now I have to break it off in a friendly manner.

In contrast, CJB has less direct sexual chemistry and likely has significantly less sexual experience.  However, he is genuine and nice and treated me like a goddamn lady.  A lady who's trying to learn to be a better slut, but nonetheless a lady.  This makes my husband feel good, I guess.

So, clearly there are some instinctual things going on here and if there's one thing I've learned, it's to listen.  So listen I shall.  As long as CJB is up for it, I plan on exploring his cock further, uninterrupted this time.  But TS's controlling and invasive behavior is putting the breaks on any strong sexual attraction I might feel.  It just isn't worth the risk.

Making Out and Getting Caught, High School Style

Tonight was my second date with a man outside of my marriage.  This guy, oh, I hope this doesn't make me sound like an asshole, but I've been referring to him as the Cute Jewish Boy or CJB for short.  I hope that's not insensitive.  I guess I'd have to ask him.  But then I would have to tell him that I've been calling him CJB, so that isn't going to happen.

The Scoundrel was honest (I think) and intense and there was a definite instant sexual attraction.  But there's also a Spidey Sense tingling...  CJB, on the other hand...

CJB is kind and genuine and polite.  He truly believes in what he works for and was interesting to talk to.  Too often, I have to dumb down my speech.  I'm told I use "too many big words" and I have to talk in a certain way in order to relate to certain people.  With CJB, I felt challenged to use the big words.  I like that.  He's serious and straightforward and passionate.  The few attempts at humor were deadpan, but funny.  I'm a bit goofier than he is, but it also may not be fair to judge that on a first date.

CJB is not from around here and is only here for a limited time.  So, like a fast food special, I need to get it while I can if I wish to try it.  There's something about that I find very thrilling.  Hubby commented that I'm approaching this much like a guy.  That's true.  I find I want to challenge myself and approach these situations like a conquest.  I want to be a bit naughty in a way I've never been.  So, yes, I want to be a little dude-like and the thought of a temporary fling with a definite end does something for me.

With that in mind, let me tell you how this date went.  When I originally messaged CJB on OkCupid, I did not expect to hear back.  He's very attractive, you see, and he had answered "no" to the "open relationship" question, so I didn't know if he would be interested.  Lo and behold, he responded.  We messaged back and forth for a while and he was agreeable to getting together, but left it up to me to pick a place.  I chose the local laser tag venue and he picked a restaurant.

The restaurant meeting was nothing but good conversation and a little getting to know each other.  He drove to the laser tag place where we played only 2 games and had 2 drinks.  During the games, he stole a few kisses before and after while on the course and in somewhat private areas.  Throughout it all, there is the possibility of being recognized. 

When he suggested we leave, I was surprised, but excited by this possibility so I agreed.  We made out in his car for a bit before discussing the next stage of the evening.

"Where should we go?"  He asked.

"That's a good question.  What do you think?"  I asked.

"You're asking me?  I've been here a week.  You're the resident expert."

I was silent for a while and then I thought of something.  There is a local famous landmark that I won't name, so as to not give away my location.  This place is technically closed at night, but is also amazing to visit at night.  It's ancient and magical.  You can see the nearby Big City skyline from the top and still see the stars clearly from this place.  You have to climb a lot of stairs to get to the top and once you are up there it is rather intense.

It was fucking cold outside and I had only brought a light jacket.

"I have an extra coat in my trunk if you would like to wear it." Said this chivalrous young man.  I accepted and he placed his warm extra coat around me and we climbed to the top of the mound.  At the top we made out for a while, until I pointed out that it was still fucking cold and we headed down.  Once back in his car, he cranked the heat.  He took my hands in his and blew on them to warm them up.  You know what?  That works.  Who knew?

Then the real stuff started.  I knew at this moment that whatever was going to happen on this first date, was going to happen right here, right now in this car in this parking lot of this park.  I was ready.  Making out ensued.  The double layer of jackets was clumsily removed and hands went over my bra.  A hand went up the back of my shirt to attempt to remove my bra, but it was a trick! 

"It's in the front." I said as I unclasped it.  Another man saw my tits for the first time in 8 years.  He played and eventually I started rubbing his cock through his jeans.  He undid his pants.  I knew he wanted oral, but I wasn't quite ready to go that far. 

"My hand is still cold."

"That's okay, it feels good."

"Can I make you come like this?"

"Yes."

Read that dialog again and insert some moaning and you'll have it about right.  With a course of action decided, I got to work.  (How could I let this poor boy go home without an orgasm?)  Then there was the bright flash from the road.

Wait.  Well, maybe it's nothing, a headlight from a turning car.  Nope.  That's a cop. 

Flash, flash, goes the cop.

Button, stuff, snap, zip went us.

The cop pulls in behind us.  Shit!  He was friendly and asked for our ID's.  He ran our names and returned our IDs.

"Listen, I hate to ruin your fun, but these parks close at night and you'll have to leave."  That was it.  We left.  Did the cop know that I'm married?  At this point, I really felt it was time to head home and I let the poor boy go home without an orgasm.  Dammit.  Oh well, we both said we'd like to do this again. 

The paranoid part of my brain (that needs a name) hopes that he truly likes me and isn't just horny, but really I just hope he'll make plans with me again. He does have other Cupid prospects, but he did seem to be enjoying the way I played with his cock, so hopefully that will weigh in.  He'll have his own place soon, somewhere that cops won't be patrolling, and we'll see what happens next time. 

First Extramarital Kiss

Things have sort of accelerated in our journey towards polyamory/non-monogamy.  We both put up profiles on OkCupid and from there, sort of had more things happen than we expected.  He's been having some slow correspondence with some very interesting and beautiful women.  I have been ignoring a lot of stupid messages and talking with a select few gentleman and a female or two about general nerdy stuff and how things have been going.

One of the first messages that really caught my attention was from The Scoundrel.  The Scoundrel's message acknowledged my marriage and he even mentioned that he was willing to meet my husband.  We wrote back and forth on topics such as sex, table-top role playing, fantasy novels and experiences in health care.  He eventually suggested that we meet and we came up with a date.

Last night, I met The Scoundrel at a restaurant in the nearby Big City and we talked for several hours.  Upon meeting, I was prepared for a handshake, he tried for a hug, which probably would have been fine.  But I was prepared for handshake and I stuck with the plan.  This was a trial meeting you see.  No hugs until you've proven yourself...  I'm not all that touchy feely and I value my personal space.  I obviously have no game.  None.  It's been too long since I've dated and I was never very good at it in the first place. 

As we talked, my hubby shot me a text looking for confirmation that everything was okay.  I replied.  The conversation went all over many different topics and I found myself becoming more and more relaxed and attracted to this guy, The Scoundrel.  I knew that he would try to kiss me when the night was over and I wanted that to happen.  (A kiss was the agreed upon boundary Hubby and I had set for this first experience.)  I was drinking coffee and I was nervous.  He was flirtatious.  He complimented my appearance.  I realized he's a bit of a scoundrel, but that's okay, he knows what he wants.  It's sort of what I want right now.  It's also what I'm likely to get based on my answers to the questions about sex on OkCupid.

And so, we each paid our half of the meal and he walked me to my vehicle, where he stopped and placed an arm on my shoulder.  I yammered on saying something awkward until he moved in for the kiss.  He was smooth, I'll give him that.  It was a long kiss and a sexy kiss.  There was no tongue, but he gently took my lower lip between his teeth at one point.  My knees got a little weak as I experienced this unfamiliar person for the first time.  When I thought about my husband, I just thought of how proud he would be of me for pushing my boundaries like this. 

I drove home listening to happy dance music.  I was proud of myself and excited for the possibilities that lie ahead.  I have another date on Saturday with a man I find very attractive.  I felt it was somewhat risky to message him on Cupid as he may be a bit out of my league.  Nevertheless, I took the chance, wrote back and forth for a while and we have vague plans for next Saturday, it's up to me to make the plans.

I kind of just want to be a bit of a slut for a while...  I want to push my boundaries in ways I've never pushed them before.  But we'll see what happens.

Update:  Whoa, I forgot about the most important part.  When I got home, Hubby and I had some dirty dirty fun.  He asked me if I was going to suck other guys' cocks and made me promise to be a good slut for him.  He spanked me and fucked me and goddamn was it fun.  Then he fucked me in the ass, which is important.  One of the rules we made for now states that we cannot have anal sex with anyone but each other.  He was taking me back.  Taking control of the situation while still giving me permission and even encouraging me to be a slut.  I love that man.  I seriously love that man.

An Unexpected Confession

As we've been carefully discussing how to wade into this new world of dating other people before us, we've been more honest and open with each other than we've ever been.  This has lead to several notable confessions that my husband has made to me.  This is the most shocking, interesting and flattering of them.

My first long term boyfriend, who was an unmotivated jackass, took some scantily clad and nude photographs of me when I was very young.  By very young I mean 18-19 years old.  The agreement was made that if we broke up, I would get the photos.  I got all of them except one that I'm sure that he kept intentionally.   I destroyed a few that were a little too crude for my tastes, but I kept most of them.  I knew that one day, old me would want to look back fondly on young me.  I kept them in a drawer in my room and assumed they were private.  Apparently I was wrong...

My dear husband was my dear friend for years before he became my dear boyfriend.  During the time of our friendship, he once stayed at my house for a few days while he was home from college.  While I was away at work, he stumbled upon the envelope that held my naked pictures.  He knew that they existed, but had little hope of ever seeing them.  When he saw a picture peeking out of the envelope, he knew what he had found.  "I had to make a decision."  he told me.  He decided to go through the pictures.  He spoke of this moment with such reverence that I could feel nothing but flattered.  When he described getting to some of the topless pictures, he was even more in awe, as he didn't know that any actual nudity existed in them.

"Did you masturbate?"  I asked.

"Yes."  He said.

He put them away and never looked at them again.  After we got together, I showed him the photos.  Once we moved in together, I essentially turned them over to his care.   They've been scanned so they are properly preserved for me in the future.  He always puts them back in the envelope the same way he found them that day.  With the first picture he saw sitting on top so he can recreate the moment when he found them each time he looks at them.

This makes me feel like a goddess.

For 7 or 8 years, he kept it a secret that he had seen me naked before he had any hope of actually seeing me naked.  He likely would have never told me at all.  It was discussing polyamory that brought us to that point and I think that's pretty darn amazing.  

Heteroflexible?

An interesting side effect of our polyamory discussions is that I am now free to consider sexual experiences with other people in a way that my brain wouldn't allow me to before.  This has forced me to consider things that I have not thought about since high school.

Back then, I realized I was sexually attracted to girls.  I even told people.  I told my mom I was bisexual! Which was not a good idea, but I didn't know how homophobic she was at the time.   I told my group of guy friends in my music class which girls I thought were hot.  Then I got in a long term relationship with a guy that lasted for 3 1/2 years.  When we broke up I dated other guys until my friendship with my now husband opened up romantically.  I had written off my "bisexual phase" as a byproduct of teenage hormones and never spoke of it again.  I was a little embarrassed about it.  I still appreciated attractive women, but I did not get any sort of sexual response looking at girls.

A combination of the fact that other people are available to me sexually and being off hormonal birth control (something else I will write about my experiences with) has made me feel like a teenager again in a lot of ways.  There's probably also the aspect of my age, 28, and becoming less inhibited that is to blame as well.   One of the effects is a raging crush on a girl I see on a regular basis.  She can fucking dance.  She's adorable and funny and makes Monty Python references.  She has a boyfriend.  This has forced me to reexamine a lot of things.  I e-mailed my best gay friend and came clean.  His response: "I TOLD YOU IT WAS CONTAGIOUS!" and total support, of course. 

I don't know what this means or how far I'd want to go with a girl.  I can't really picture myself eating pussy but as my husband points out, I have "read the book".  The book is She Comes First by Ian Kerner and it can change your life.  There was a time in my life that I couldn't picture myself sucking a dick either and that time is long gone.  For now, I will consider myself heteroflexible and take comfort in Dan Savage's insistence that it is normal for women to have a more fluid sexual orientation that changes throughout a lifetime.

To Be 91 and Have Regrets: Why We're Considering Polyamory

In my line of work, I meet a lot of people who have been married for decades. I make a habit of asking them "What's the secret to a happy marriage?" I get a lot of different responses.  One 91 year old man replied, "Being faithful." and went on to describe the opportunities he had to cheat on his wife with other women. By the wistful look on his face, I can only assume they were very attractive and desirable women.  He described how he had turned down these women even though his wife would have likely never found out.  He worked in the city and could have easily slept with them in the city before traveling home.  I asked him if he regretted not taking advantage of those opportunities. Without hesitation, he stated, "Oh, yes." 

I love my husband. I don't want him to be 91 years old and regret not lying to me in order to have experienced life a little fuller.  I also don't want to be 91 and regret not having explored my sexuality to its fullest.  We had both discussed the fact that our limited sexual experiences before becoming a couple had left us wishing we'd been more free with our sexuality. 

Therefore, I began to entertain the idea of polyamory or being monogamish.  It would take some time before I brought it up and began the dialogs, but we've been discussing things for several weeks and we're both excited about the possibilities.

Allowing ourselves to be polyamorous has many benefits beyond sexual satisfaction.  It opens up ways of relating to people that were no longer possible in a monogamous relationship.  In order to maintain monogamy, you have to close yourself off from people in many ways.  For me, I felt it necessary to keep myself distant to remain loyal and to prevent myself from getting in a situation where it would be hard to say no to cheating.  When I did develop a sort of crush on another man, I felt extremely guilty about it and confessed my feelings to my husband.  Allowing these sort of relationships to develop naturally is exciting.  It's almost like re-entering the world emotionally.  I'm doing it honestly and giving him the same gift.

One simple side effect is that it makes looking at attractive people much more fun.  The first time I saw my little crush after we began these talks, the thought that it was 1) okay to think about boning him 2) somewhat possible we could bone made the looking much more fun.

It's also opened up lines of communication that has improved our sex life and improved my husband's libido.  When we are able to admit that we want to fuck other people, we can be honest about so many other things.  We've both shared kinks and fantasies that we've never spoken of with each other before.

My husband loves me more than ever, not less.  He said so, hesitantly.  He didn't want it to sound like he was unhappy before, but by allowing for this possibility to live life more fully has made him much happier.  "I almost want to follow you around like a little puppy dog" he said.  The thought of this expansive freedom has made him more excited about trying to have a baby.  Ladies...  if you are having a hard time convincing your man that it's time to start a family, try telling him he can fuck other people and see what happens.  It's like magic.  This was a very unexpected and pleasant side effect.

The benefits are many and I'm sure we'll see more.  Stay tuned for future posts about how we are preparing our relationship for outside love, the challenges we expect and how we plan to meet it.  It is an exciting and highly sexual time in our lives. 

Andrew in Drag

In love with this video...  I have a new found fascination with drag kings after going to my first drag show and this indulges it!  

Obligatory First Boring Post

Hello to all my readers, all none of you!  I hope to change that soon.  I, Brazen Bunny (a pseudonym, obviously.  I don't want to end up like this sex blogger!  So unfair!) have decided to join the saturated world of the sex bloggers!  I do this in the hopes that sharing my experiences and learning will help others as well as help myself.  I intend to write about a lot of subjects.  But there's one thing that inspires me the most.  I want to help people have better sex!  There are several ways I think I might be good at this.   But I'm going to let the posts come naturally.

Inspirations: Sue Johansen!  Sex Nerd Sandra!  Dan Savage!