Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Talking Poly Stuff with Non Poly People

I have regular discussions with a female that I work with who is monogamous. It illustrates to me the way my thought process has already changed in regards to my new lifestyle. For example, several weeks ago, I showed her pics of the guy I'm seeing. One of them included his wife and kid.

"You're hotter than her." she said.

"It's not about that." I replied.

"I don't care. You are hotter than her."

When she said this, she had every intention of making me feel better about the pairing by dissing what she saw as the competition. I knew that I was doing it right because those words made me feel gross. I don't want to be hotter than her. I don't want to compete with her. I don't want to break up their marriage I want to thank her for being so cool about sharing her man. I want to learn from her about how to make this work. I hadn't even met her yet and that's how I felt. The thought of being superior to her in any way made me feel super skeevy. But I'm also a feminist and I don't think women should compete with each other and tear each other down.

In my second example, she cannot understand why I was able to make out with the same guy in front of his wife. It wasn't weird. They didn't make it weird. It was fine. I wasn't seen as a threat. I wasn't a threat. It was a little uncomfortable at first, but now it seems like nothing. She just couldn't grasp it, why it meant nothing, why jealousy isn't necessary to maintain a relationship.

My step mom has a similar flaw in her thinking. She thinks that because my husband and I have admitted that we are attracted to other people, this is proof that we don't really love each other. To me, now, this seems ridiculous. Being poly has brought us closer together. I love him even more now that I can have him and new people in my life. My step mom often thinks she knows more about me than I do, despite her limited cultural experience and her lack of a high school diploma. That sounds really snobby, doesn't it? I don't like her all that much.

It's amazing how quickly I've been able to let go and move past these cultural myths. Of course, I never really believed that there was one person for everyone. Still, bucking cultural norms is a big deal and it's really interesting to see the responses of others who may not completely get it, even if they say they can accept it.

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