Learning Curve: Beware the False Unicorn

So, a few weeks ago, I mentioned this Unicorn...  They don't really exist.  It was a fake.  It's about time I go back and address that situation.

Unicorn had initially messaged my husband, set up an impromtu immediate date and flaked on him.  Then she messages, texts and eventually calls to get him all hot and bothered by presenting herself as a third.  I'm open to this, but Hubby is uber enthusiastic.  We made plans to meet.

We met the Unicorn at a local sex-positive coffee shop.  Our Big City has one, be jealous.  She was beautiful and dynamic and I was immediately attracted to her.  She gently rubbed my leg with her thumb which severely impairs my ability to think.  All doubt about my bisexuality is vanquished as she slowly dragged her thumb back and forth.  I asked Hubby to leave early and I will follow shortly.  I want to kiss this girl, but all I can think about is that I don't want it to be a performance of any kind.  Hubby obliged.  Unicorn and I kissed in the parking lot.  It was nice.  

When next I meet the Unicorn it is for a one on one date.  She expressed an interest in only me, which hurt Hubby's feelings extensivly, but he was willing to still allow me this experience.  She had spoken to him much of the things she wished to do to me.  She was aggressive.  I liked that.  An aggressive woman is what I need if I'm going to explore this properly.

The date was weird.  The chemistry may have been lost, but I'm not sure exactly how.  I rolled with it anyway and invited her back to my house.  Once alone, she lost all aggression.  She looked up at me with doe eyes.  We made out a little bit, but that was all.  Still, I felt that everything was okay, it was still a cool experience.  That is, until it got really weird.  She got up to leave suddenly and won't explain why.  She said vague things like "Maybe you're supposed to teach me a lesson about what I do to other people."  I asked her to talk about what's wrong.  She refused and left.  Upon leaving, she immediately started texting my husband, who I asked not to reply.  I waited until I got the text that told me she arrived home safely and I cut off all communication.  She texted a few times over the next week and a half, both to me and my husband.  I dropped it all cold.

This situation was insane.  She attempted to turn us against each other, misrepresented herself from the beginning, texted us separately in weird ways, and used my husband to get to me only to drop him and make him feel like crap.  It was all very strange and disconcerting.  She has since stopped attempting to reach out and I am grateful that this is over.

Moral of the story:  Unicorns do not exist!  (Okay, they probably do, but I'm going to be even more leery of false ones from here on out!)

An Eventful Day: Swooning, Hanging with a Metamor, Coming Out and Scoring Some Digits

I had a rather eventful day.  First event on the schedule was a first date I was rather looking forward to.  I was excited about his profile and started swooning when he suggested a restaurant that serves only mac and cheese entrees.  I met him in a hip and cool part of the Big City on a very nice day.  He approached me outside the restaurant.  I looked up and immediately recognized him from his OKCupid pic.  He's hot.  I mean, really damn cute.  I know he's savvy enough to find this blog if he desires to and may be reading this.  I'm going to go ahead and take the risk of being totally honest here with my swooning.


A List of Swoons in Order of Appearance

1. Suggesting mac and cheese restaurant.
2. Being really damn cute.
3. British accent that was understated in profile.
4. Browsing through comic book shop, comments on this as a first date activity.
5. Has read A Song of Ice and Fire.
6. Laughs at my jokes.
7. Kissing was nice.  Really nice.
8. We make plans for our next date right there before parting ways.
9. We text throughout the evening, including an exchange about Apple products.

This was my most successful date thus far and I'm feeling quite good about it.   I'm on a bit of high afterwards and I decide to call my dad.  I make plans to meet with him later this night to have a face to face discussion so I can tell him.

I pick up Munchie, who has accepted my invitation to join me in going to a meeting for a poly discussion group.  Cool. Offer extended and accepted.  Meeting was fun and interesting.  I'm again reminded about the cool people that do this.  I later receive a text from my date who informs me that his wife is dating one of the people at that meeting.  It is all a bit incestuous, to borrow a great descriptor from someone else.  Too funny!

I have enough time to stop home and use the bathroom before going to meet my dad.  I arrive early and while sitting alone my server flirts with me a bit.  I flirt back.  My dad arrives, I come out to him.  He's skeptical and apprehensive, but relaxes as he gets more detail about the execution and motivations.  He also takes some responsibility for my tendency toward deviant behavior and rightfully so.

Dad leaves and I stay to flirt further with the cute Denny's server.  I score a phone number.  I impress him and his friends with my hatred of Twilight and my knowledge of Futurama.  I flirt hardcore.  I feel amazing.  I'm now home, blogging and will shortly be going to bed.

It's been an eventful day, but one without regrets.

The Worst Message I've Recieved on OKCupid Thus Far

I've received many terrible messages on Cupid.  In fact, I'm compiling a longer, more detailed post that collects them and divides them into categories.  Bad grammar aside, this message is the one that made me feel the grossest.

 

There are so many problems with this that I don't even know where to start.   From an entire page of information about me that I put serious effort into, the only thing you could thing to ask me about was my body type?  I'll just borrow from Seth and Amy here and say REALLY?!  I mention movies, books, games, activities, music and so many other things that I enjoy and the only thing that interests you is to make sure you understand my body type. 

The initial message made me angry.  The following three made me livid.  He was a dick to begin with, then he laughed at my anger and made light of it.  Then he attempts to change the subject and finally attempts to convince me that he's not like other guys and he's good at conversing.  Apparently, I need schooling on what good conversation is because I can't pick it out when I see it.  Apparently good conversation doesn't include apostrophes, correct spelling, punctuation or any real effort.

Go to hell Douchie McGee.  Sad thing is, I probably don't have to wish you luck on Cupid.  Some stupid woman is going to love your demeaning attitude and latch onto you.  I am not that woman. Make like a tree and leave, sir.

The Need for Sex Positive Medical Professionals is Serious

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2012/03/22/149157619/what-your-gynecologist-doesnt-know-about-your-sex-life-but-really-should?sc=fb&cc=fp

^^^^ Read that ^^^^ 

It's about how doctors aren't comfortable talking about sex with their patients.  "Yet one-quarter of the doctors say they had expressed disapproval of their patients' sexual practices." Awesome.  Doctors slut shaming.  Not surprising though, considering how I've heard nurses talk about patients.  The slut shaming I received from a doctor who made me cry on two different occasions as a single-partner sexually active teenager should have prepared me for that statistic as well.

There is clearly room to do better, folks.   I'll consider this inspiration.  I'll try to think about this while I'm sitting in my boring boring BSN classes and thinking about going on for my MSN and becoming a Women's Health Nurse Practitioner.  I see the need.  I can be your friendly neighborhood sex-positive NP.  How many more years of school?  Ew.

 

Drive By Whoring: Do WHAT now?

There's a reason I don't listen to the radio.  Okay, there's a lot of reasons.  One of them is that I hate morning DJ's.  There's a pair of them now on my local alternative station (the one that plays Nickleback) that have a ritual called a "Drive By Whoring".  Now I'm not sure if this activity is directed exclusively towards women, but it was inspired by a woman and it was a woman that received their scorn this morning.

From my limited experience with this activity, they take a phone call or letter from a jilted lover and describe the one sided story of the "unapproved" sexual activity of said "whore". They say her first name when describing this as well as the name of the jilted lover who calls in. They then drive by her house and yell "Whore!" and other mean things out the window of their car as they drive by.  This is recorded and played back on the radio for entertainment. 

Today's story included the savory details of how the jilted lover in turn jilted another by "stealing away" the fiance of the man who was sleeping with his gal. 

This is the sort of stuff we are entertained by.  This is acceptable behavior, driving by some woman's house and calling her a "whore" because her ex-boyfriend said so.  But we can't accept ethical nonmonogamy as a reasonable and honest non-skeevy life choice. 

*hangs head*

In One Night, I Shake Dan Savage's Hand and a Unicorn Prances Out of the Mist

My previous post focused on the somber aspect of seeing Dan Savage lecture.   I will now discuss the exciting parts of my evening.  I got in line to get an autograph and speak briefly to Dan.  I hope I didn't sound like too much of a goober.  I didn't vomit anyway, and my friend assured me that as long as I didn't vomit, I would be okay.  He said he'd check out my blog.  No one else is, so I had nothing to lose by hoping that Dan would give it a quick look.  He shook my hand.  If you are reading this, Dan Savage, thank you!

I then had a delicious pizza with the awesome new friend that joined me for this little road trip before we hit to road to travel back home.  During all of this, Hubby let me know that he had been texting and phoning a girl from Cupid who brought up the topic of a threesome.  Upon arriving home, my husband ran outside to meet me.

"I hope you're not going to proposition me for a threesome."  I say.  Once inside, that's almost exactly what occurs.  While I was out, he found a unicorn.  We'll call her Mysti.  This is not something that I am opposed to.  On the contrary, it is something I want to do before I die.  It was not something I was expecting to fall into our lap so quickly.  Seriously?  We put ourselves on OkCupid less than a month ago and in that time, a unicorn slowly pranced out of the mist, propositioned my husband and made it very clear that she's sexually attracted to me.

I started drinking.  I was not prepared for this at all.  Once I am sufficiently inebriated to have this conversation, we call her.  Mysti is cute, she's funny and she's frank.  We talked about our interest in girls and had to tell Hubby to shut up so we could talk a bit.  My immediate impression is that I like her.  We have agreed to meet at a sex-postive coffee shop in Big City on Wednesday.  I'm meeting her at 7 and Hubby will join us later in the evening once he can leave class.

We have a date with a unicorn on Wednesday.

Two months ago, I had never even watched porn with my husband.  On Wednesday we are going to meet with a very eager unicorn.  Dear universe, could you give me one thing to blog about at a time please?  I'm a little sexually overwhelmed at the moment.  Is this really happening? 

I'm Poly Because of Dan Savage and Because I'm Poly I'm Going to MEET DAN SAVAGE

It was largely by listening to Dan Savage that I decided the poly lifestyle was possible for us and started talking about it.  Mind you, I only just found out he existed in January of this year.  So in the last 3 months, Dan Savage has changed my life drastically.

Hubby has been talking to a cabaret dancer from nearby College Town that he met on OkCupid.  She texted him today about Dan Savage visiting the college TOMORROW.  Guess who's going to be too darn sick to go in tomorrow?  ME.  Guess who's driving the 2 hours to College Town to see him.  ME!  Guess who got her new bff to agree to make the drive with her?  ME!  Hubby can't go, but he's given me his blessing.

In other news, as I write this, he is out with Munchy and just ran into his mom and step dad in Target.  Oops.  He's wearing his ring and I gave the okay for them to hang out here tonight after I go into work.  I'm getting better!

We Find Ourselves in a More Public Place and There Lies Success. Kind Of...

I had date #2 with CJB tonight. I took him to the best place Big City has to offer.  I wanted to show him the absolute coolest place in Big City, Midwest.  It's a museum that is a giant playground made of climbable art.  I think I impressed him even more than with the laser tag.

"This is truly the most positive Midwest experience I've had so far."  That makes me happy.  I want him to leave with some positive impressions of what we have here other than the fact that there is no traffic.  I want to be a positive memory in his mind the way that my Hubby's phone sex buddy was for him when he was 17.  It was for this reason that I strongly encouraged him to come up with some place private for after our date tonight.  I promised him twice, once in text and once on Cupid that I would make it worthwhile for him to come up with something.

After we left the Museum, he said he had something in mind and started driving without telling me where we were going.  Jokes were made about duct tape and axes.  I notice we were losing speed  driving on the highway.  Something was wrong with the car.

We pulled over onto the left shoulder and hoped for the best until the horrible burning smell made it obvious that something was very wrong with his poor car.  He calls AAA.  AAA bounces us around to 3 different places before we get the right area.  AAA promises a tow truck within the hour.  Cool.

I ask him if he's comfortable with me asking my husband to give us a ride.  He is.  I text hubby who is at the gym.  In the meantime with so much time to kill, we start making out and I again rub his cock through his jeans.  Before too long, it's in my hand.

"How much should I tease you this time?"  He just gives me a desperate look.  I start to suck his cock and stop.  "This much?  I still don't know where we were going."    He says we'll get there.  I suck some more and stop.  "Or this much?"  He looks at me and says "oooohhh..." with so much frustration and just a note of an unspoken threat.  It turns me on.  I go back to the business of blowing him until he comes.  I feel proud.

About 1 minute later, my husband call me back and agrees to come pick us up.  That, ladies and gentleman, is why you choose an open relationship over cheating.  When the car breaks down on your date, your spouse will always be there for you.  The tow truck arrives and takes us to the repair place just a few minutes away from my home.  So this is how my husband met my...  guy?  CJB handled it in stride.  Hubby was uncomfortable, but ok.  When I ran inside to get my coat, Hubby stayed in the truck with CJB.  I was a little surprised, but trusted him.  Apparently, they just talked bro stuff.

CJB and I again struck off on our own with me driving.  We first went for ice cream to console his hurt feelings about the car's evil betrayal.  I ordered us shakes.

"Thanks mom!" He said.

"You're welcome.  Don't call me that."  I replied.

"Yeah, it didn't feel good coming out."      

Then we continued on to the original planned destination.  It's his new place.  He doesn't officially get to move in until Monday, but it's his, nonetheless.  This will be his first place all of his own without roommates and you can tell he's quite proud.  Too bad the key doesn't work.  Dammit.  So, I take him back to where he's staying now and we bid each other goodbye until next time.  He offered to make me dinner when he's set up in his place.  Nice.  

I fully intended on doing the deed with this kid.  I did.  But at least this time I did not send him home with blue balls.  I think he rather enjoyed the treatment his cock received and I think he truly enjoys my company.  I enjoy his.  I like this well spoken, Ivy League, Jewish boy from SoCo.  He's fun.  He's nerdy.  He's interesting to talk to.  He's chivalrous.  Damn is he chivalrous.  I enjoy that immensely.  I've never dated someone like that.  It makes it so much fun to be a little slutty.  Seeing him under a little stress and frustrated was a good thing as I got a better sense of his personality.  There will probably be a more intense emotional connection as this goes on than I was expecting.  Which is okay, but may be rocky.  No matter what, he's gone after November, but maybe I'll have a friend across the country, who visits once in a while for new jobs in the future.  It can only be a positive experience in the end.  I got some feedback tonight that let me know that he's into me as much as I had hoped.

Well, I'll leave you with this photograph, identifying details removed, that proves I'm not making all of this up and that I'm truly blogging about my IRL experiences.  I took this from the back of the tow truck waiting for the boys to get the car loaded. 

Getting Over It

The last two blog posts I made were from a very intense and sad place.   The emotions were very immature when I posted them.  It got way worse than that before it got better.  I ended up texting hubby for about an hour before he came home from his date.  Once home, we had only a little bit to talk before I went to work.  I worked for the next 12 hours and just barely survived it.  When I arrived home that morning, I had taken a short bus to Crazy Town.  It was not fun.

I climbed in the shower and stayed there for 30 minutes.  I started crying.  I started hyperventilating.  My face was numb and my head was spinning.   Hubby turned off the shower and tossed a towel around me and begged me to get out of the shower.  I thought I might pass out and hit my head on the toilet or the tub on the way down.  I didn't care. I just stood there.   I eventually made it to the bed and laid there.  Hubby lay down behind me and told me to let it out.  I screamed and yelled and said horrible mean things for the next hour or so until I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was in a much better place.  We were able to talk for real and finally get somewhere.  I really wanted to feel better, but I didn't feel better, not really.  I started a dialog on Facebook with the girl, whose name I found difficult to use at first.  We'll call her Munchy.  That evening she wrote to be on Facebook and said some very nice things to make me feel at ease.  After I got the message on FB, Hubby's phone chimed with a text message from Munchy.  She took the time to message me before she messaged him.  That afternoon, I was able to allow him to go pick her up from work.

The next day, I truly felt better.  The FB dialog between Munchy and I continues.  She's making it impossible to not like her.  She's experienced in poly matters and seems to know exactly what to say.  She absolved me of my guilt over my crazy behavior.  She made it clear that I'm the primary and that she'll always stand aside for my emotional needs.   We have many things in common.

Yesterday, hubby went to visit her at her job in a chain gift shop attached to a restaurant.  Apparently, she lead him around the store and used her bubbly personality and acting experience to pick out small gifts for me.  How can I possibly dislike that?

It's a journey, but it's worth it.