This showed up in my Facebook feed this morning http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/26/gender-bias-egalia-preschool_n_884866.html It's about a preschool in Sweden where the kids are placed in a strict gender neutral environment. It's an interesting concept. Gender roles and how to raise gender neutral kids has been on my mind since I started thinking about having kids and even more so now that I'm pregnant.
I think I was well prepared on how to deal with gender stereotypes if I was having a girl. After all, I'm a girl and I was raised with a lot of boyish influence. My dad raised me as a single father. He taught me to ride a bike, tolerated me building very dangerous and unstable forts in the backyard, enrolled me in softball year after year, sent me to summer camp and never yelled at me for getting dirty. I also had pink carpeting in my bedroom, got Barbies for my birthday when I asked for Ninja Turtles and X-Men action figures, was encouraged by my mother to dress to "show off my figure" and never had anyone properly explain my aunt who wore her hair in a duck tail and always had a female "friend" with her when she visited during holidays. (I figured that out when my aunt and her friend adopted a child together.) My parents made no deliberate attempt to shelter me from gender stereotypes, but they didn't strictly adhere to them either. It's a foundation that I could easily build on if I was having a daughter. Something I looked forward to, even. (As if buying her all the Ninja Turtles would somehow make up for my bitterness over only receiving April O'Neil. Good thing I had a brother who got the rest of the figures and didn't mind a playmate. What does one do with a single yellow-jump suited April figure? Collect expose stories on Barbie and Ken?)
But, as fate would have it, I am not having a girl. The genetic screening revealed XY chromosomes and hopefully, when we have our 20 week ultrasound, we'll locate his penis. People love to tell you that boys are easier than girls. I'm not sure I believe that. For some reason, this makes the whole gender neutrality issue much different in my mind. I had no qualms about giving a toddler girl dinosaurs or Legos or Nerf guns, but I don't see myself buying a little boy a baby doll or fake makeup. If only he had a sister that he could guiltlessly borrow those toys from! Perhaps part of my hesitation is that desire to protect your child from the judgement of others. I was teased in grade school for a lot of things, but wearing Ninja Turtle shoes was among them. I can only imagine what a boy with a Barbie would face when walking into a Kindergarten classroom. Then again, conformity is not how you prevent bullying. That's not a lesson I want to teach my kid at all! Dammit, there is so much to think about with this parenting crap. No wonder everyone screws it up at least a little bit.
Perhaps part of my bias is just because boy toys are cool. Dinosaurs and robots and action figures and trucks and projectiles... I want to play with those! I don't want to play with baby dolls and change fake diapers. I am already projecting my personal toy bias on my child when I eye up the Imaginext toys at Target and look forward to buying armored dinosaurs with human riders.
And so, I think the best way to approach this is to let my kid make his own decisions. If he wants a play kitchen so he can pretend to cook like his daddy (he does not want to cook like his mommy, that's for sure) then I'll hook him up. If he wants to decorate his room with sports balls, then he can do that too. He can watch My Little Pony or Batman, either is fine. If he wants to wear pink socks and carry a satchel, I'll support that. He will already be given a strong example with parents who don't conform to gender roles. His mom will be the primary wage earner, albeit in a gender stereotypical role, and his dad will be his stay at home caregiver. He'll grow up seeing our poly lifestyle, which is empowering for all genders and orientations. He will be raised around our friends, some of whom are gay many are bisexual. He'll watch football games with his grandpa and play fantasy themed board games with his grandma. He will be surrounded by influence. I think the most important thing will be to foster a sense of independence of gender and of societal roles in general. This would be no different for a boy or a girl.
Conclusion: I need to get over my gender biases and focus on letting my kid pick what he wants to wear and what he wants to play with. Gender neutrality is not determined by toys. Personality is not determined by gender. I still wanted the rest of the X-men, even if they only bought me Storm. Not having them didn't make me enjoy the show any less. I was genuinely confused as to why they didn't just get me the toys I asked for. Why have a box of Barbies in closet and leave me to sneak off to my brother's room to play with the rest of the X-men? If my boy wants to play with a baby doll that wets itself, then his desire won't change and whatever it is in his personality that lead him to make that choice isn't going anywhere either. That piece of his personality might leave him open to ridicule from other kids, but so might a speech impediment or a liking for books or being bad at sports. Gender really isn't the issue at all. It's about letting my kid be who he wants to be and properly preparing him for a world that may or may not accept him for who he is. It's about arming him with confidence and conflict resolution skills and emotional intelligence, not about keeping him safe from the opinion of others. These are the more important lessons and gender roles will fall in line behind those lessons however they need to.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Primary and Secondary: What the Hierarchical Terms Mean to Me
Titles often weird me out. I don't know why. When my Hubby decided to start going by a shortened version of his name, it took me years to use it properly. I still use the name I knew him by first about fifty percent of the time. When we got married, I had to say "husband" over and over again before it felt right. When Not-My-Boyfriend became my boyfriend, it was weird to use that term as well. That's why I've put a lot of thought into the use of the hierarchical terms of the poly world.
There is a lot of controversy about this. I can understand why some poly people are opposed to them. They prioritize people and that's sort of wrong, but it's also sort of natural. We do it from the time we are kids, organizing our friends into "friends" and "best friends". We do it on Facebook now with a range of intimacy. I can have "close friends" and "acquaintances" and decide what I want to share with each group. We do it with family. The fact is that we are forced to prioritize due to the limited resource of time. Sometimes friends only become close friends because of close geographical proximity, correlating schedules or situations which place you close to that person on a regular basis, such as working together. Although we may have the same feelings of love for all of our friends and family, we must make choices on who we see more often. This fluctuates depending on life circumstances. I see my friends more often when my husband and I work opposite schedules as I am more likely to stay home with him if we have the time off together. I will make an effort to see a friend more often when they need extra support or I need support from them. Life circumstance brings friends closer together too. I expect my friend circle to shift when my baby arrives as I will spend more time with people who are tolerant of children or have children of their own.
We tend to prioritize the people we care about based on life circumstance and what our needs are and what their needs are at the time. This is necessary and not morally wrong. Human brains are programmed to see patterns and organize things and people. That's why stereotyping comes so easily. It's innate and it's necessary to have some organization in your life. A large part of my job is deciding what the priority problem is and how to organize my work and time most effectively to get things done. I do this in my life as well to maintain relationships.
Having been in two relationships for several months now, I feel I've finally come to a conclusion on how I feel about hierarchical terms. Saying that you are in a primary relationship doesn't mean you love or care for your secondary partner any less, but it does mean that you organize your life around one person more than another. This isn't a bad thing. One needs priorities and organization in life to reach goals and maintain order. I don't like drama in my life. As my marriage will expand into a small family soon, I want that family to be my priority. I want my boyfriend's family to be his priority.
To think that every poly person can and should reach this ideal of total equality across relationships doesn't make sense to me in the structure of our society. The exception is poly groups. If you are in a poly group and everyone is functionally an equal, then the terms primary and secondary do not make sense. However, for people like myself, who started out in long term monogamous relationships, who have or want families, who don't desire to upset the status quo and invite huge upsetting life changes (not always preventable, I know), who live with one partner... it makes more sense to me to apply the labels "primary" and "secondary" and maybe add "casual".
This is not something I have discussed with my boyfriend, though I'm certain we will after this post, but I feel like this is how we naturally organized our relationship. I never had any desire to upset his life, family or marriage. I consider myself a secondary and I'm comfortable with that. I am respected and loved in his life, but living an hour away from each other and each of us having preexisting life priorities, it just doesn't make any sense to say that our relationship to each other is on equal grounds with that of our marriages. We've each asked the other to change plans around our spouses and always confirm with our spouses before we settle on definite plans. With the exception of my early insecurities, this relationship has been easy to enjoy and I think the acceptance of each others lives and the ease of falling into these roles has contributed to this. There are many other factors at play here, but that deserves a blog post of it's own.
I have finally drawn my own conclusions on how I feel about hierarchical terms in my poly world. I'm okay with them. Unless I someday end up in a triad or a quad or some sort of poly group that lives together, I can't see myself being able to practically treat all of my partners exactly the same. That doesn't mean I love my boyfriend any less, but that love is certainly different than the love I feel for my husband and the love I feel for my friends. It doesn't mean it's inferior. It doesn't mean it's less important in my heart. It does mean that my husband and my impending family are my priority in my day to day life. This is no different than the way my marriage has always taken precedence over my friends, but I also choose friends that support my marriage, just as I've done with my boyfriend.
Perhaps in a differently structured society or a commune-type situation, the hierarchical terms wouldn't make sense. Right now, in my life and the society that I live in, they make the most sense and that's okay.
There is a lot of controversy about this. I can understand why some poly people are opposed to them. They prioritize people and that's sort of wrong, but it's also sort of natural. We do it from the time we are kids, organizing our friends into "friends" and "best friends". We do it on Facebook now with a range of intimacy. I can have "close friends" and "acquaintances" and decide what I want to share with each group. We do it with family. The fact is that we are forced to prioritize due to the limited resource of time. Sometimes friends only become close friends because of close geographical proximity, correlating schedules or situations which place you close to that person on a regular basis, such as working together. Although we may have the same feelings of love for all of our friends and family, we must make choices on who we see more often. This fluctuates depending on life circumstances. I see my friends more often when my husband and I work opposite schedules as I am more likely to stay home with him if we have the time off together. I will make an effort to see a friend more often when they need extra support or I need support from them. Life circumstance brings friends closer together too. I expect my friend circle to shift when my baby arrives as I will spend more time with people who are tolerant of children or have children of their own.
We tend to prioritize the people we care about based on life circumstance and what our needs are and what their needs are at the time. This is necessary and not morally wrong. Human brains are programmed to see patterns and organize things and people. That's why stereotyping comes so easily. It's innate and it's necessary to have some organization in your life. A large part of my job is deciding what the priority problem is and how to organize my work and time most effectively to get things done. I do this in my life as well to maintain relationships.
Having been in two relationships for several months now, I feel I've finally come to a conclusion on how I feel about hierarchical terms. Saying that you are in a primary relationship doesn't mean you love or care for your secondary partner any less, but it does mean that you organize your life around one person more than another. This isn't a bad thing. One needs priorities and organization in life to reach goals and maintain order. I don't like drama in my life. As my marriage will expand into a small family soon, I want that family to be my priority. I want my boyfriend's family to be his priority.
To think that every poly person can and should reach this ideal of total equality across relationships doesn't make sense to me in the structure of our society. The exception is poly groups. If you are in a poly group and everyone is functionally an equal, then the terms primary and secondary do not make sense. However, for people like myself, who started out in long term monogamous relationships, who have or want families, who don't desire to upset the status quo and invite huge upsetting life changes (not always preventable, I know), who live with one partner... it makes more sense to me to apply the labels "primary" and "secondary" and maybe add "casual".
This is not something I have discussed with my boyfriend, though I'm certain we will after this post, but I feel like this is how we naturally organized our relationship. I never had any desire to upset his life, family or marriage. I consider myself a secondary and I'm comfortable with that. I am respected and loved in his life, but living an hour away from each other and each of us having preexisting life priorities, it just doesn't make any sense to say that our relationship to each other is on equal grounds with that of our marriages. We've each asked the other to change plans around our spouses and always confirm with our spouses before we settle on definite plans. With the exception of my early insecurities, this relationship has been easy to enjoy and I think the acceptance of each others lives and the ease of falling into these roles has contributed to this. There are many other factors at play here, but that deserves a blog post of it's own.
I have finally drawn my own conclusions on how I feel about hierarchical terms in my poly world. I'm okay with them. Unless I someday end up in a triad or a quad or some sort of poly group that lives together, I can't see myself being able to practically treat all of my partners exactly the same. That doesn't mean I love my boyfriend any less, but that love is certainly different than the love I feel for my husband and the love I feel for my friends. It doesn't mean it's inferior. It doesn't mean it's less important in my heart. It does mean that my husband and my impending family are my priority in my day to day life. This is no different than the way my marriage has always taken precedence over my friends, but I also choose friends that support my marriage, just as I've done with my boyfriend.
Perhaps in a differently structured society or a commune-type situation, the hierarchical terms wouldn't make sense. Right now, in my life and the society that I live in, they make the most sense and that's okay.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
My Pregnancy Super Power is Squirting. It's ridiculous. Seriously.
I've been a squirter since I became sexually active. The first time it happened was with my loser high school boyfriend who said, "I think you peed." Since I didn't really know what happened, my only argument in response was "It doesn't smell like pee."
Anyway, it tends to happen during sex once in a while. Usually it comes along with a really strong orgasm, but not with every really strong orgasm. Certain positions and clitoral stimulation along with penetration make it more likely to occur. I don't always feel it when it happens and I can't usually predict it.
Since I've hit the second trimester of this pregnancy, I squirt like a crazy person. I mean, copious amounts of fluid... Soaking through layers... Squirting out against my boyfriend with enough force that small droplets ricochet back in my face. I slept in the middle of the hotel bed last night because the one side was soaked through to the flat sheet. There was also a large wet spot on the floor next to the chair. I could feel it through my socks when I walked across it. Seriously. Those poor hotel housekeepers have no idea how much body fluid I left behind in that room. I should have bagged the sheets in biohazard bags.
I can also feel it more. I feel it when it happens. I can feel when it's going to happen... sometimes. I'm going to use this to try to get more in tune with my body so I can better feel when it's going to happen and maybe gain some control over it. Right now, there's not much that I can do about it other than knowing the activities that make it more likely.
I could assume that the increased awareness of the occurrence and the increased occurrences of squirting themselves are a result of the increased blood flow to my genitals. Vaginal lubrication increases with increased blood flow, as more fluid travels out of the blood and through the tissues with the increased capillary pressure of more blood. Since increased blood flow also causes increased sensitivity of the genitals, these two mechanisms could be working together to cause the increased frequency of ejaculation. I come harder from the increased sensitivity and there's more fluid there to squirt. It's also possible that the increased blood flow and pregnancy hormones have caused growth of the glands that are responsible for female ejaculation, but I'm just speculating. I have to do more research.
There's so little information out there on female ejaculation as it is, the only sources I can find for this during pregnancy are on pregnancy message boards where other women mention it happening to them. I haven't been very good about reading my pregnancy books, but I doubt they mention it in there. I'd love to learn more about this.
Anyway, it tends to happen during sex once in a while. Usually it comes along with a really strong orgasm, but not with every really strong orgasm. Certain positions and clitoral stimulation along with penetration make it more likely to occur. I don't always feel it when it happens and I can't usually predict it.
Since I've hit the second trimester of this pregnancy, I squirt like a crazy person. I mean, copious amounts of fluid... Soaking through layers... Squirting out against my boyfriend with enough force that small droplets ricochet back in my face. I slept in the middle of the hotel bed last night because the one side was soaked through to the flat sheet. There was also a large wet spot on the floor next to the chair. I could feel it through my socks when I walked across it. Seriously. Those poor hotel housekeepers have no idea how much body fluid I left behind in that room. I should have bagged the sheets in biohazard bags.
I can also feel it more. I feel it when it happens. I can feel when it's going to happen... sometimes. I'm going to use this to try to get more in tune with my body so I can better feel when it's going to happen and maybe gain some control over it. Right now, there's not much that I can do about it other than knowing the activities that make it more likely.
I could assume that the increased awareness of the occurrence and the increased occurrences of squirting themselves are a result of the increased blood flow to my genitals. Vaginal lubrication increases with increased blood flow, as more fluid travels out of the blood and through the tissues with the increased capillary pressure of more blood. Since increased blood flow also causes increased sensitivity of the genitals, these two mechanisms could be working together to cause the increased frequency of ejaculation. I come harder from the increased sensitivity and there's more fluid there to squirt. It's also possible that the increased blood flow and pregnancy hormones have caused growth of the glands that are responsible for female ejaculation, but I'm just speculating. I have to do more research.
There's so little information out there on female ejaculation as it is, the only sources I can find for this during pregnancy are on pregnancy message boards where other women mention it happening to them. I haven't been very good about reading my pregnancy books, but I doubt they mention it in there. I'd love to learn more about this.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
The Consequences of Hitting on Cute Young Servers at Your Local Denny's
I hadn't seen DK in a while and I had started to believe that he may no longer work at my local Denny's. I had unfriended him on social media and ignored his request when he attempted to refriend me. Seriously, I have zero interest at this point. He's a joke.
Last night I traveled to Denny's for my usual standing date with Joe. Unfortunately, I arrived before him. I see DK outside the restaurant as I pull in. I walk towards the restaurant and I see him quickly put out his cigarette and go in the other door to get ahead of me and hold the inner door open for me.
"Hey" I say. "I'm meeting a friend." I'm trying to be cool, but I stumble a bit and have to clumsily catch myself by reaching for the wall. (Stupid shifting center of gravity!)
"Whoa! Be careful. You're meeting a friend, huh?" DK is already starting in on being a douche. Apparently he hasn't figured out that I have self esteem.
"Yep. He's not here yet. I'm just gonna take this booth, is that cool?"
"Sure."
I sit down and immediately text Joe. "Oh gawd. Get here please. That server is here! Help me!"
DK gets me a coke and then leans against the bench across from me. At this point, I have taken note of Joe's care in the parking lot.
"So, your friend is coming up here, huh? I don't have anything to do right now. You could just wait around for an hour or I could be your friend."
"Actually, he's walking in right now."
"Oh, I see." He replies. I can't hide my amused smile. Is this guy for real? He still thinks that negging me is going to get somewhere or maybe his conceited little butt actually thought that I was just coming up there to see him and I made up the friend. He walks away and Joe slides into the booth across from me just a moment later.
DK continues to try to flirt once Joe arrives. He quickly figures out that he's not welcome in our conversation. Joe picks up on this too and even made a protective comment under his breath as the guy walked away. "Dude, how do you know that's not my girlfriend?"
"Well, he is aware of the open relationship, but it would still be bad form to flirt like that if we were on a date."
I order off their ridiculous "Hobbit" menu and I receive this skillet piled high with pot roast and veggies. DK sets it on the table with the following comment, "I hope you're hungry enough." I ignore this comment, but I take note of his apparent interest in how much I eat.
Joe and I had our usual conversations. Work, education, mutual friends, sex, his dying cat, my pregnancy... It goes on and on. I continue on my quest to convince him of the realities of female ejaculation. DK eventually arrives to take my plate. Now, maybe he just has no idea what else to say to me, so he again comments on my food.
"Wow. You must have been really hungry."
"Is that serious or sarcastic?"
"It's sarcastic. I'm always surprised when someone actually finishes their food. Like him. He did a good job." I clap for Joe and his clean plate in response.
"Maybe you shouldn't make so many comments on what a girl eats..." I offer this unsolicited advice to DK. He offers a to-go box and I accept.
"Joe, you cleaned your plate. It's gonna be a sunny day tomorrow! That's what my grandma used to say." Which is only one of the weird things my crazy grandma used to say.
"My cat's going to die tomorrow." He deadpans. I love Joe.
Months ago, in the beginning thralls of my new freedom to flirt, I flirted with a young disrespectful playa and I'm still dealing with the awkward consequences. He was butt hurt over it. He shut down. When he cashed out our tickets, he said as little as possible and although I was avoiding eye contact, so was he. I don't feel the least bit guilty about this. I'm a cool chic and he could have at least made out with me if he had treated me with respect. The negging, the standing up... yeah, he's not that cute. I'll still check him out as he walks away, but I have no interest in anything other than looking. I'd like to think this older lady taught him something about how to treat women, but the reality is he'll probably just stay butt hurt and call me a slut if anyone asks. Silly boy.
The lesson here? If you want your local Denny's to stay your haven for meeting good friends and lovers and study buddies and family members for late night coffee and pie, don't flirt with the servers. You're just setting yourself up for awkwardness in the future. Especially if you are clumsy and trip over your own feet when you are trying to act cool and blow someone off. There are exceptions to this rule, as there are with all rules. Years ago, I flirted with a server at my local Denny's and had a short, but very fun relationship with the guy. The sex was great. I'd do him again if I had the chance, but that was years ago and he was older than me.
Last night I traveled to Denny's for my usual standing date with Joe. Unfortunately, I arrived before him. I see DK outside the restaurant as I pull in. I walk towards the restaurant and I see him quickly put out his cigarette and go in the other door to get ahead of me and hold the inner door open for me.
"Hey" I say. "I'm meeting a friend." I'm trying to be cool, but I stumble a bit and have to clumsily catch myself by reaching for the wall. (Stupid shifting center of gravity!)
"Whoa! Be careful. You're meeting a friend, huh?" DK is already starting in on being a douche. Apparently he hasn't figured out that I have self esteem.
"Yep. He's not here yet. I'm just gonna take this booth, is that cool?"
"Sure."
I sit down and immediately text Joe. "Oh gawd. Get here please. That server is here! Help me!"
DK gets me a coke and then leans against the bench across from me. At this point, I have taken note of Joe's care in the parking lot.
"So, your friend is coming up here, huh? I don't have anything to do right now. You could just wait around for an hour or I could be your friend."
"Actually, he's walking in right now."
"Oh, I see." He replies. I can't hide my amused smile. Is this guy for real? He still thinks that negging me is going to get somewhere or maybe his conceited little butt actually thought that I was just coming up there to see him and I made up the friend. He walks away and Joe slides into the booth across from me just a moment later.
DK continues to try to flirt once Joe arrives. He quickly figures out that he's not welcome in our conversation. Joe picks up on this too and even made a protective comment under his breath as the guy walked away. "Dude, how do you know that's not my girlfriend?"
"Well, he is aware of the open relationship, but it would still be bad form to flirt like that if we were on a date."
I order off their ridiculous "Hobbit" menu and I receive this skillet piled high with pot roast and veggies. DK sets it on the table with the following comment, "I hope you're hungry enough." I ignore this comment, but I take note of his apparent interest in how much I eat.
Joe and I had our usual conversations. Work, education, mutual friends, sex, his dying cat, my pregnancy... It goes on and on. I continue on my quest to convince him of the realities of female ejaculation. DK eventually arrives to take my plate. Now, maybe he just has no idea what else to say to me, so he again comments on my food.
"Wow. You must have been really hungry."
"Is that serious or sarcastic?"
"It's sarcastic. I'm always surprised when someone actually finishes their food. Like him. He did a good job." I clap for Joe and his clean plate in response.
"Maybe you shouldn't make so many comments on what a girl eats..." I offer this unsolicited advice to DK. He offers a to-go box and I accept.
"Joe, you cleaned your plate. It's gonna be a sunny day tomorrow! That's what my grandma used to say." Which is only one of the weird things my crazy grandma used to say.
"My cat's going to die tomorrow." He deadpans. I love Joe.
Months ago, in the beginning thralls of my new freedom to flirt, I flirted with a young disrespectful playa and I'm still dealing with the awkward consequences. He was butt hurt over it. He shut down. When he cashed out our tickets, he said as little as possible and although I was avoiding eye contact, so was he. I don't feel the least bit guilty about this. I'm a cool chic and he could have at least made out with me if he had treated me with respect. The negging, the standing up... yeah, he's not that cute. I'll still check him out as he walks away, but I have no interest in anything other than looking. I'd like to think this older lady taught him something about how to treat women, but the reality is he'll probably just stay butt hurt and call me a slut if anyone asks. Silly boy.
The lesson here? If you want your local Denny's to stay your haven for meeting good friends and lovers and study buddies and family members for late night coffee and pie, don't flirt with the servers. You're just setting yourself up for awkwardness in the future. Especially if you are clumsy and trip over your own feet when you are trying to act cool and blow someone off. There are exceptions to this rule, as there are with all rules. Years ago, I flirted with a server at my local Denny's and had a short, but very fun relationship with the guy. The sex was great. I'd do him again if I had the chance, but that was years ago and he was older than me.
Monday, November 5, 2012
Come On Ladies, Let's Demand Some Quality with our Sexual Entertainment
The other day an acquaintance posted a Facebook status gushing about Magic Mike. She acknowledged that the story was bad, but forgave that for the opportunity to see hot men dancing around shirtless. I replied, "If you want hot naked men doing sexy things with no plot, try porn. You can skip all the awkward conversation and shots of cars parking." My reply was deleted almost immediately. Why? Why does it cross the line in polite society to suggest that women simply watch porn to get what they want? You might make the argument that it might be an unprofessional thing to say, but I don't think that's it.
Every night, I see coworkers and patients reading Fifty Shades of Grey without shame in the open. It's okay to admit that reading about being tied up and taken advantage of turns you on, but it's not okay to watch it. Why? You can gush to your friends and blow up Facebook when a movie about male strippers debuts, but it's not okay to admit you want to watch men in a more graphic state. Why?
In this day and age when porn is so easily available on the Internet. You don't have to go out and rent it at a store where someone might see you. You don't have to go out and buy it where you might run into someone you know and have to pretend not to see each other. You don't have to pay for premium cable channels and tune in late at night and hope that there's something on that appeals to your interests. You can hop on your computer in the comfort of your own home and pull up whatever vanilla or kinky thing that turns your crank.
Is it because women aren't allowed to admit that they masturbate? Does it cross the line to admit that you enjoy sex? Fifty Shades of Grey is wrapped neatly in a Twilight-inspired love story, making it okay to enjoy the sexy parts. Magic Mike allows you to appreciate sexy men without having to admit that you want to have sex with them. You just want to watch them dance around. Porn crosses the line as it involves actual nudity and actual sex acts.
At least if we are going to talk about liking things that turn us on, can we please seek out something of quality? Why do we have to wait for everyone else to like something before we can admit to liking it to? And why when I state that I don't like Twilight or Fifty Shades or Magic Mike am I looked at like I'm a party pooper? I'm not judging you for your sexy interests, that's for sure! I'm judging you for your apparent inability to recognize your entertainment as vapid and poorly written, or your failure to think for yourself about what you are consuming and just agreeing with the rest of your circle that it's good.
If we are going to agree on something as a culture, ladies, lets agree that it's okay to like what you like. Most importantly, that it's okay to like sex and it's okay to like whatever kind of sex you like. You don't have to like the sex that's popular. And if you don't like sex, that's okay too, but it doesn't make those of us who do any better or worse. Maybe that's what we are working towards and maybe I shouldn't be so critical of these popular things when they may lead to the sort of open society that I'd like to see. I just don't understand why it's okay to like Fifty Shades, but it's not okay to like some kinky porn to help you get off when you're working alone. Now if you'll excuse me, I have something to attend to...
Side Note:
I wanted to include in this post a short description of how I enjoyed Magic Mike. I saw it at the drive-in from the bed of my truck. I really didn't see much of the movie as much of the time my back was to the screen so I could straddle my boyfriend and make out with his adorable face. He gave me notice of when I should turn around to see sexy men, which we enjoyed together. I spent way more time making out than I did watching the movie, taking advantage of my exhibitionist streak and working up an appetite for more. That's how I enjoyed Magic Mike and I'll dare to say I had a better experience than most patrons of the movie. The movie, however, had little to do with that. ;)
Every night, I see coworkers and patients reading Fifty Shades of Grey without shame in the open. It's okay to admit that reading about being tied up and taken advantage of turns you on, but it's not okay to watch it. Why? You can gush to your friends and blow up Facebook when a movie about male strippers debuts, but it's not okay to admit you want to watch men in a more graphic state. Why?
In this day and age when porn is so easily available on the Internet. You don't have to go out and rent it at a store where someone might see you. You don't have to go out and buy it where you might run into someone you know and have to pretend not to see each other. You don't have to pay for premium cable channels and tune in late at night and hope that there's something on that appeals to your interests. You can hop on your computer in the comfort of your own home and pull up whatever vanilla or kinky thing that turns your crank.
Is it because women aren't allowed to admit that they masturbate? Does it cross the line to admit that you enjoy sex? Fifty Shades of Grey is wrapped neatly in a Twilight-inspired love story, making it okay to enjoy the sexy parts. Magic Mike allows you to appreciate sexy men without having to admit that you want to have sex with them. You just want to watch them dance around. Porn crosses the line as it involves actual nudity and actual sex acts.
At least if we are going to talk about liking things that turn us on, can we please seek out something of quality? Why do we have to wait for everyone else to like something before we can admit to liking it to? And why when I state that I don't like Twilight or Fifty Shades or Magic Mike am I looked at like I'm a party pooper? I'm not judging you for your sexy interests, that's for sure! I'm judging you for your apparent inability to recognize your entertainment as vapid and poorly written, or your failure to think for yourself about what you are consuming and just agreeing with the rest of your circle that it's good.
If we are going to agree on something as a culture, ladies, lets agree that it's okay to like what you like. Most importantly, that it's okay to like sex and it's okay to like whatever kind of sex you like. You don't have to like the sex that's popular. And if you don't like sex, that's okay too, but it doesn't make those of us who do any better or worse. Maybe that's what we are working towards and maybe I shouldn't be so critical of these popular things when they may lead to the sort of open society that I'd like to see. I just don't understand why it's okay to like Fifty Shades, but it's not okay to like some kinky porn to help you get off when you're working alone. Now if you'll excuse me, I have something to attend to...
Side Note:
I wanted to include in this post a short description of how I enjoyed Magic Mike. I saw it at the drive-in from the bed of my truck. I really didn't see much of the movie as much of the time my back was to the screen so I could straddle my boyfriend and make out with his adorable face. He gave me notice of when I should turn around to see sexy men, which we enjoyed together. I spent way more time making out than I did watching the movie, taking advantage of my exhibitionist streak and working up an appetite for more. That's how I enjoyed Magic Mike and I'll dare to say I had a better experience than most patrons of the movie. The movie, however, had little to do with that. ;)
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
My experience with CVS (chorionic villus sampling)
This morning I went in for an early appointment first thing after work and had chorionic villus sampling performed. Some sort of genetic testing is pretty standard in my family, but I am the first that I know of to choose CVS. Before me, everyone else had amniocentesis. I'm a rebel, choosing CVS. There are probably several reasons for this. CVS has a slightly higher incidence of miscarriage and a small window in which it can be performed. Luckily, I was referred to the genetic counselor early on and all testing options were available for me. I chose CVS mostly because I wanted the results as early as possible for making decisions regarding the pregnancy. If my anomaly exists in it's unbalanced state, it's not compatible with life in any example that I'm aware of. Therefore, I've always known that I would terminate rather than risk giving birth to a stillborn baby or a live child with here before unknown birth defects. With termination on the table, early results are important. All of that said, more than likely everything is fine or I never would have made it this far into the pregnancy.
This is how my CVS procedure went down. I was greeted by the same super nice ultrasound tech that I had seen exactly a week before. She did a quick ultrasound to make sure everything was still looking good and to see where everything was. At first Sketch was still, but after a little probing with the transducer, it started wiggling. It put a hand out and waved at me! She got a really good pic of just it's little frog legs and pot belly. It's pretty strange looking.
Oh and in case I had any vague hopes of staring really hard to determine sex organs from this crotch shot... I give you the following graphic from this site:
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Then she went over the procedure and had me sign the consent form. The consent form had funny statements on it such as "I understand that the results of this procedure do not guarantee the birth of a normal child." but it was also reassuring in that the risks were all stated but you were reminded how rare the complications are. This was good as the possible complications had become a bit built up in my mind. Seeing the actual statistics in front of me was grounding. She brought up blood type, which my doctor forgot to fax over. I confessed to being A negative knowing that this would buy me a Rhogam injection. Since there is a small risk of me coming into contact with the fetus's blood type during the procedure (normally this is separate and protected until delivery) there is a chance that I could develop antibodies that would attack the fetus if it has Rh positive blood. Rhogam keeps my body from developing those antibodies and wanting to destroy what it's creating. (What say you, believers in Intelligent Design?) Knowing that Rhogam was in my very near future was anxiety producing as I vaguely remember them talking about how painful it is when I was in nursing school. Ugh.
Moving on. I got to strip from the waist down and cover with a sheet while the ultrasound tech talked to the doc. He came in and asked if I had any questions. I can't say he was warm, but he was very professional, which I appreciate. He also didn't show his annoyance when I waited too long to mention my latex allergy. Oops, probably should have mentioned that before you got yer sterile field started. Sorry! So the tech left to scrounge up some non-itch-inducing gloves and that was the biggest hold up. The speculum was big and it was cold (you can't warm up a speculum on a sterile field so I forgive them). He swabbed my cervix and then inserted the catheter and I could see it on the ultrasound. As it crept up through me at times I felt nothing, at other times I felt some pressure. The doc explained everything as it went. He told me when he was going to attempt to obtain the sample. They do this with suction, not a needle. I felt no different during this part, but I could see the bits of placenta going through the catheter on the ultrasound. It was cool. At this point, the doc has to walk away and check the sample under the microscope to see if it's a quality sample. Did I mention that you have to keep a full bladder during the procedure so they can see better? The whole time this was going on I was looking forward to the best pee ever. Talk about awkward. I'm naked from the waist down with a light shining on my lady parts which are stretched open with a cold metal speculum. I have to pee like you couldn't believe and I've got to chill while doc looks at the placenta bits under a microscope and makes sure they are the placenta bits he was looking for. This was also the best part. The tech was watching the fetus to make sure it was okay after the procedure. She rechecked the heart rate and then we just watched it for a while. It was a nice distraction from all the very undignified things that were going on below my belly button. I just watched it floating and wiggling while I waited.
The doc came back and announced that the sample was good. Hooray! They will try up to three times for a good sample, but luckily they got it with one pass. He reminded me that it takes 10-14 days for results because they are looking at my specific chromosomes and not just counting them to see if they are all there. I wonder just how much they get back on the report. I intend to ask my OB/GYN for a copy of it.
The Rhogam injection sucked. It's a rather big IM injection. It stings. It's the only time I had to reach for my husbands hand. I stick people with needles all the time. I have tattoos. I used to have my tongue pierced. I still get nervous when the needles are pointed my way.
That was it. She went over where to send my results and confirmed that it was okay to leave a message with the results.
Compared to the hysterosalpingogram it wasn't much different. The basic premise was the same. Speculum, catheter through the cervix... one was shooting stuff in and one was sucking stuff out. But in practice and feeling, they were not that different. The after care instructions aren't that difficult. Nothing inserted into the vagina for 5 days. (They didn't say no orgasms! I have my ways!) No tub baths or swimming. This is to allow the mucous plug to close up again and to prevent infection in the meantime. No straining or heavy lifting for 48 hours. Call my doctor if I get a fever or flu like symptoms. Some spotting and light bleeding is normal and about 40% of women have some after the procedure. I've had some very light spotting as of tonight. Overall, it was much less scary than I had built it up to in my mind. Still, I'm glad that hubby was able to make arrangements for work and to be there with me. It made a big difference.
So that's it. CVS wasn't that big of a deal and now that I've done it, it sounds less scary than an amniocentesis. I mean, a needle through my abdomen through the muscular uterus sounds way worse than going through an already existing hole (os, if you are med-term savvy) with a soft catheter and sucking up some tissue that has no nerve endings. Hopefully, I will have no need to compare the two.
Monday, October 8, 2012
How I Turned My Pregnant Outburst Into A Healthy Sexual Activity (And Made My Husband More Likely to Continue to Tolerate Me)
So this morning I scheduled my genetic testing appointment. (If you hang on through the following description, I promise you a sexy story!) Tomorrow morning, they are going to stick a needle up through my vag, past my cervix, into my uterus and insert it into my placenta. From there, they will collect a small amount of cells that should determine the genotype of this little human I'm incubating. I chose this method, CVS or chorionic villus sampling over the alternative, amniocentesis, because it can be done sooner. This is important in my case because I know that if the fetus is carrying the unbalanced translocated chromosomes that it's more than likely not compatible with life and therefore I will terminate the pregnancy. When termination is on the table, it is better to do this earlier rather than later. Since it takes two weeks to get results from either method, it puts you much further into the pregnancy before you get the information to base your decision on. The earliest an amnio can be performed is at 16 weeks. That would put me at 18 weeks at the earliest before I could make the decision and follow through to terminate. This would also put me smack dab in the middle of the Christmas season to kill my broken fetus, if it were to come to that. It is also important to me that a decision be made before I start to feel the thing moving. I don't want to feel the fetus wriggling around knowing it was on death row. I'm a strong person and I've always known that termination was a possibility for me, but lets make it as easy as possible, shall we? In addition, the sooner the procedure is performed, the less overall risks there are to my health.
This is heavy stuff. I'm a bit anxious about this. Because of the timing of the appointment, I'll be going alone. I expect that the procedure itself won't be much different in practice compared to the hysterosalpingogram I had in January, so I'm not too worried about that. I am however, nervous about the 1 in 200 risk of miscarriage and facing that after working 12 hours and getting little sleep.
When my husband approached me in the way that says, "I expect sex now." I kind of freaked out. My anxiety and tiredness and pregnancy hormones sent me into a tirade which ended with me in the shower after yelling that I would be sure to fuck him. While in the shower I unpacked and aired my anxiety and what it is really related to and came up with a good solution. Since it seems a poor idea to have sex this morning, less than 24 hours from the CVS, I offered to suck his cock instead.
He was skeptical. I told him to watch porn while I did so. He reluctantly agreed. I knelt in front of him at his computer and he watched a vanilla amateurish porn of man and a big-titted blonde woman. This was not a very long blow job. I found myself relaxing and getting turned on as I did my thing. The subservient and submissive aspect of it turned me on.
It's a simple thing, but it was new to us and it was fun. It also helped me make up for being a raging irrational misdirecting bitch a few minutes before. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why sex is important for marriages.
Whatever happens with the pregnancy, I will blog about it here. If termination becomes something we face, this blog is the only outlet I have to discuss it publicly. In my profession, I would be judged harshly and I draw the line at what I will put myself through. However, I will always be open and honest in this forum.
This is heavy stuff. I'm a bit anxious about this. Because of the timing of the appointment, I'll be going alone. I expect that the procedure itself won't be much different in practice compared to the hysterosalpingogram I had in January, so I'm not too worried about that. I am however, nervous about the 1 in 200 risk of miscarriage and facing that after working 12 hours and getting little sleep.
When my husband approached me in the way that says, "I expect sex now." I kind of freaked out. My anxiety and tiredness and pregnancy hormones sent me into a tirade which ended with me in the shower after yelling that I would be sure to fuck him. While in the shower I unpacked and aired my anxiety and what it is really related to and came up with a good solution. Since it seems a poor idea to have sex this morning, less than 24 hours from the CVS, I offered to suck his cock instead.
He was skeptical. I told him to watch porn while I did so. He reluctantly agreed. I knelt in front of him at his computer and he watched a vanilla amateurish porn of man and a big-titted blonde woman. This was not a very long blow job. I found myself relaxing and getting turned on as I did my thing. The subservient and submissive aspect of it turned me on.
It's a simple thing, but it was new to us and it was fun. It also helped me make up for being a raging irrational misdirecting bitch a few minutes before. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why sex is important for marriages.
Whatever happens with the pregnancy, I will blog about it here. If termination becomes something we face, this blog is the only outlet I have to discuss it publicly. In my profession, I would be judged harshly and I draw the line at what I will put myself through. However, I will always be open and honest in this forum.
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