Sunday was another icky day for me. My self esteem was in the crapper and I can't even blame my cycle. This time it was circumstantial and well, to be honest, kind of a pity party. My success with dating has been nonexistent for the last few weeks. I've had several cancelled dates, an uncomfortable encounter with a real life creeper, disappointment and weirdness with Hulk...
Everyone is getting laid but me. Hulk got it on with an okc match over the last few weeks. Hubby got it on with a 20 year old on Friday. NMB got it on with same-name-weird-spelling chic on Saturday. I got that news the same time I received the news that he wouldn't be able to join me on an upcoming float trip. This combination of events sent me to a rather ugly place for a day or so. I didn't sleep at all yesterday. It was a mini version of this. I wanted to fix my flawed thinking, but I couldn't do anything to make myself feel better. I was internalizing all of the external forces and decided that there was a fundamental flaw somewhere. I searched for it. And if I was fundamentally flawed (too fat? not smart enough? too emotional? overly attaching? just plain old shit?) why would NMB want to be in a relationship with me? When everyone I'm in a relationship with is connecting with new people and no one on okc is even giving me the time required to write a message, why would the people I'm in a relationship with want to continue to see me? It must be that they are just missing something. They somehow haven't seen the Big Flaw yet.
I was even giving myself a hard time for having these emotions. "See, why would anyone want you? You decide you want to be poly and you can't even handle it. You thought you were an emotionally healthy person and then, well, look at you. Just shit. You can't even get out of bed. Why would he want to date you when you can't even handle this minor little thing? Hubby's not going to tolerate this forever, now that he knows how easily he can find someone else, why would he put up with your crazy ass? You're just like your mother, melting down into crazy-mess." I was berating myself just for having the negative emotions, for not being perfectly even keel and taking it all in stride. The negative emotions formed a positive feedback loop of negativity.
feel bad about yourself --> feel worse about yourself for feeling bad about yourself --> feel even worse about yourself --> feel even worse about yourself for feeling even worse about yourself --> pile of shit
I began to pull myself out of it by reaching out to my friends. My friends are fantastic, by the way. It's not often that I need reassurance like this, but did they ever pull through. Everyone reminded me that this is temporary that Hubby was in the same place not so long ago and that's how dating goes. They all encouraged me in some way. One offered to be my pimp, one told me I was an awesome person... they all assured me that it would turn around. This was a start. I made a conscious decision to work through it, but how? Use your resources. In handling unfamiliar emotions with no cultural background noise to teach me what to do, I have to seek guidance from the masses of people who are have experienced this. I read some articles on http://www.morethantwo.com/ including this one on managing jealousy. I actually sat down and started making a list of things I value about myself. I realized that the things I was writing down are the same traits I value in others. This is the important stuff. This is the stuff that makes people good. As I wrote, I thought that little things that I don't like about me, such as occasionally losing control of my emotional state, are minor and that overall I'm a really good person, dammit. (+1) I found evidence for this in my long term friendships (+1) and support (+1) from these friends, many of whom are new friends because I make friends easily. (+1) I remembered that the whole reason this was possible for us was because I am open minded (+1) and can make positive change in my life when I see the need for it. (+1) I reminded myself that I'm a nurse and I save lives for cryin out loud! (+1) I was reminded that I've had coworkers tell me that they want to orient with me when they become nurses (+1). I've had new nurses tell me that I don't make them feel stupid when they ask a question. (+1)
The character points were building and I was getting closer to a level up.
I can pick out douchebags. (+1) Which is probably a big reason why I'm not dating a whole lot right now. I'm being selective. I'm not going out with the douchebags. The selection is thin and this doesn't reflect on me, it reflects on the dating pool. (+1) Just because creepers send me messages all the time, does not mean I'm worth less. (+1) This is part of having a high emotional IQ. (+1) People come to me for advice and leave feeling better. (+1)
LEVEL UP!
I had turned the corner. I was remembering how awesome I am. I am awesome. I'm not perfect, but there's no reason why I should hate myself for getting a little insecure.
These emotions are brand new with no social context. I'm sharing my husband and my boyfriend. How do you handle that? I have no real examples to follow. I haven't spent a lifetime watching sitcoms about resolving jealousy and insecurity in relationships. On the contrary, sitcoms, romantic comedies and internet memes reinforce jealousy as proof of love and commitment. They teach you to embrace it, not to battle it and beat it down to the depths where other irrational emotions belong. I can't expect myself to perform perfectly when faced with things that make me feel icky. This is a learning experience. That's why I'm writing this blog, to chronicle my mistakes, document my feelings, work through them with the written word and finally to have a record of my personal journey into making polyamory work.
I went to work on a definite upswing. I had a good night at work, where I felt like what I did mattered. My patients were all super nice and appreciative. I made it through my shift on the fumes of coca-cola and chocolate ice cream. When my head hit the pillow that morning, it was my 31st hour of no sleep. I slept great.
That afternoon, I received a text from NMB informing me that he had shared his google calendar with me. This is kind of a Big Deal in poly relationships from what I understand, at least in jest. I recognized this as a gesture. (You can correct me if I'm wrong.) I reciprocated and looking at each others' days we were able to pick a date for going to the drive-in finally! Once it was decided, we both plugged it into our calendars and they showed up at about the same time. It was nerdy and awesome. "Go go relationship!" he said.
This gesture put things into perspective for me. NMB made the move to share google calendars, my husband made me pizza when I was feeling down and hardly eating anything, my friends sent me encouraging texts... How dare I throw a pity party for myself? My life is rich with fun, interesting, intelligent and caring people that I value and that value me! How dare I take that for granted? I'm very obviously dating someone who cares enough to reach out with a gesture of intimacy when he didn't even know the full extent of my craptastic pile of poo day. I have a husband and a boyfriend and oh, by the way, they both cook for me. I say to myself, "Shut the fuck up, you fool! Look at what you have in your life! Look at it! The fact that they are bumping uglies with other pretty girls is of no consequence and is no reflection on you. The fact that you are getting piles of messages from douches on okc and a minimal reply rate doesn't mean you are broken! It means okc is full of douches! Appreciate what you have, work through the crappy feelings when they happen and shut the fuck up and be happy for yourself! You are graced with intimate relationships all around you from people who choose to be your friends and lovers. You have the freedom to turn friends into lovers and let each relationship be what it will. Shut this pity party down right now. No last call. It's over. Go on!"
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
3 Conversations About Sex That Happened at Work
#1 I caught up with a coworker to get report on her patients.
#2 It's morning and I'm getting a patient off the bedside commode. She was 80 years old and sarcastic as can be. She made a joke that flew over my head.
Hurry up, let's get this done. I have to get home and try to make a baby. I think I'm ovulating.
Just don't forget to enjoy the work.
Eh, I don't really like sex.
Really? I love sex.
Really?
Yeah!
#2 It's morning and I'm getting a patient off the bedside commode. She was 80 years old and sarcastic as can be. She made a joke that flew over my head.
You'll have to forgive me. I've been up all night. At this time of the morning, I can be a little dense.#3 The same nurse came back to receive report from me. I asked her how the baby makin' went. She told me the following story, paraphrased because I don't have a perfect memory. Keep in mind, as you read this that it's being told by a tall, beautiful, thin blonde in navy blue scrubs.
What were you doing? Making love?
Haha, no. My husband works here too, but he didn't work last night. (She looks at me with widened eyes and tilts her head.) Naw, I'm kidding. No hanky-panky at work.
Don't you ever find a laundry room or something? I was married for 32 years and I'll tell ya, there ain't nothin sweeter!
What's the secret to a happy marriage?
Sex!
Well, I got home and I was like, "Do you wanna?" And he was like "Do you?" And we were both feeling lazy. I was in the bathroom to clean up, cause I was stinky and I was wiping my butt with a washcloth. Is this sexy? I was looking at him while I did it, you know? And he was like, "I'll get you back for this."
We were both feeling lazy and I didn't want to do any work, but he was like, "Why don't you start out on top?" and I really didn't want to, but I did. I got on top and we're doin it and I farted on his balls. Belp blep blep. "Now your balls are stinky." So I got him back.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Shout out to some okc creeps that take the cake and eat the whole thing!
This blog is great and includes creepers that are a million times worse than anyone who has messaged me. My favorite theme in these posts is the guys who proclaim their proficiency at cunnilingus. By their descriptions alone I can deduce that they have no idea what they are doing.
http://www.okcenemies.com
http://www.okcenemies.com
Sunday, July 15, 2012
I repressed myself. I blame my mother.
My mom is a hot mess. I'm certain she couldn't count how many people she's slept with. She's always dressed for sex. She doesn't leave the house without make-up on. She's always owned at least one pair of stripper boots. On the outside, she is a serial monogamist, but this is a lie. She's very good at lies. I suspect that her cheating history goes all the way back to her first boyfriend, but I know for a fact that she cheated on my father with the man who was the best man at their wedding. Stereotypical, but a true story. She does not ask for respect, in fact, she revels in being treated like shit. She is dishonest. She's had her car keyed by jealous girlfriends on more than one occasion. She gives directions using bars as landmarks. She has a history of being a regular at a series of bars in town for as long as I've been paying attention. I suspect that once a significant amount of drama has exploded at one bar, she is given no choice but to move to another. She cannot maintain long term relationships of any sort with females, including her own mother and daughters, but also not friends. As far as relationships go, she was always my example of what not to do. She was a slut, but a very unethical one. She was not empowered, she was a slave to her desires and to the men she wanted to please.
This, along with my stereotypical healthy dose of Catholic sexual guilt, left me in a weird place. I did not want my relationships to be crazy fluctuating messes. I also wanted sex to have some meaning. I wanted friendships with guys, not just flings. Serial monogamy was obviously the best thing. One sexual relationship at a time. Whoever I lost my virginity to had to be special. (He wasn't, as it turns out.)
However, once I was married, this began to change. Shorty before the wedding we started to explore some kinky fantasies. We stumbled into a rape role play fantasy (not the right way to do that, but it worked for us). He fake-raped me on our honeymoon at least once. I sought out new information on sexual pleasure, as opposed to in the past when I was reading about sexual health.
Within the safe confines of my marriage, I became a more free sexual being. The more sex we had, the more I wanted. We were trying to get pregnant, but I wasn't even thinking about that. I just wanted to get fucked. I became proficient in the art of dirty talk. Where once I couldn't use the word "fuck" to describe the sex that I or anyone else was having, I was now asking him to fuck me and reveling in being called a slut. I was finally able to relax and enjoy the pleasure of anal sex. I felt like super wife that night.
When I went to my first drag show, I was surprised to find myself attracted to the drag king and more importantly, my sexy female coworker dancing with him. I started realizing that my attraction to women wasn't just a phase a I went through in high school and felt I had an obligation to explore it.
Without the safety of marriage and monogamy to cultivate my sexual expression, I may never have been alright with embracing it. My husband's gentle guidance and patience during our dry spell gave me the support and comfort to grow into my inner slut. The sex-positive movement gave me the responsibility to embrace it. When we started discussing non monogamy, my motivation was to continue to explore this person that I was just getting to know. I'm so happy my husband is committed to making this work. It's so important to me to know more about who I am through this lifestyle. It feels right. The last vestiges of the Catholic guilt and fear of becoming my mother are finally slipping away and I can be the slut I was always meant to be.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
It's Saturday Morning, Time for me to write about the last few days.
Thursday afternoon: I'm awake when I should be sleeping due to having to run an unexpected errand. I log onto okc and see that Skittles had sent me a message. We had a successful chat a few weeks ago and I shot him my number at the end, then I heard nothing. I figured he vapor trailed, but I did check out his profile after that and he checked out mine. It's a short message, but he's also online so I turned on my IM and chatted. Turns out he doesn't have a phone right now, making my number useless. He asks if I have Skype. I don't, but I go ahead and sign up. The call connects, but there's no audio. He confirms so in an IM. I had to quickly figure out how to IM on that software, and then we were video IMing. I find him quite attractive. He's tattooed and pierced and generally scruffy. He complimented my appearance in the following ways... said I was hot, said I have nice teeth, said my husband (who could be seen walking around in the background) is a lucky man because I am "fucking hot". This felt particularly good as I was essentially in my pajamas. Complimenting my teeth was nice as I am one of the few people in my generation to never have braces. I have nice teeth for never having had braces. I do not have nice teeth when compared to most people my age and younger. I am an anomaly with slightly crooked teeth and a mild overbite. After that lovely self esteem boost I headed to bed, but not before setting up a date for next week. Woot!
Thursday night: I swear I think that just about everyone that saw me, complimented my hair! It was truly a good hair day! Something I rarely have. I switched back to pure coconut oil for antifrizz, that must be what did it! I was over the moon. The last 24 hours have given me the feedback that I'm fucking hot with nice teeth and great hair.
Friday night: I got up early-ish and headed to Hulk's. We had plans to participate in my community's annual night time bike ride, the Tour de LikeImmaGonnaTellYou. I got there early so we could grab some dinner. He was expecting his kid to be dropped off at 6pm. I arrived about 4:30. He came onto me, got me to peel of my bike shorts, got my shirt off, was making out with me... Then his head was on my chest again with that same sense of defeat. We talked about it. He was afraid that what happened last time (loss of erection) was going to happen again. I reassured him that we didn't have to have sex right now. By this time, we were expecting his ex-ish wife to show up with the kid in about an hour... talk about pressure to perform. I strongly encouraged him to not attempt sex right now. I guess I just want us to be set up for success. The failures do bother me. I internalize them a bit no matter what.
Throughout our conversations in the meantime, the following bits of information were revealed. Cue list format.
I decided that perhaps the best way to handle the ex-ish wife situation is to be gone when she arrives with the kid. I plan to order food and go pick it up. I'm punching things into the Jimmy John's app for pick up and he looks up. "Oh shit, she's here!" 'Okay, how do you want to handle this?" He asked me to hang out in the bedroom and went outside to meet her. I felt like Bob Loblaw ("I shall hide behind the couch.") Sitting there alone I thought to myself, "This would have been way less weird if I had just waved and smiled." She knows that I'm married and that we have mutual friends. She is not likely to think this is weird. She did ask him whose truck was in his driveway. He told her. She seemed fine. Oh well, live and learn to lie better. Sigh. I really hate that part of it.
We got dinner, picked up some supplies, decorated our bikes and headed up to the ride. It was a nice ride. The weather was perfect for a night time bicycle ride. We started at the back of the pack and made a leisurely trek on the 15 mile route. It was quite pleasant. I'm always one of the last to finish, but I don't mind. People sit out on the route and cheer on the riders as they go by. I wasn't in as bad of shape as I thought and I didn't even get really winded. The route is mostly flat, so that's nice. I considered sneaking a kiss out in public like that, but when I got home and saw how many of my Facebook friends were also on the ride, I was glad that I didn't. It's not like when I'm with NMB and I have to really work to keep my hands and lips to myself. I'm starting to think of Hulk as more of a friend that I care about, like to cuddle with and kiss and might possibly, maybe, I dunno, have sex with someday. The nice thing about poly is that it has room to be whatever it can be. We rode past my in-laws and I waved enthusiastically to them. We rode past the street I grew up on, down the hill I rode my bike down as a kid, past my grade school, near my grandma's house, and past my current residence. The unfamiliar car out front told me that Hubby was having a successful date of his own with a woman he just talked to on Thursday afternoon. After the ride, his text told me that his numbers have been increased to 7. All of his post marital successes have been on the first date. Sigh. I honestly can't keep track of all of them anymore. I think this is the 20 year old. I haven't asked for details yet. I find that I do better with that when some time has passed.
When we got back to Hulk's house, he put his daughter to bed and came onto me again. It wasn't hard, staring at him walking around shirtless is certainly a nice enough sight to get me interested. However, I felt that again, we would be setting ourselves up for failure. I like dick and all, but I'm not about to go down there after a 15 mile bike ride, nor would I want him heading that way on me. Also, the fact that his kid was sleeping in his bed meant that we would be relegated to the couch. There are no doors in his WIP home and I'm loud. He said I could stay the night. Right, haha! Ex-ish wife may not have been concerned that I was over there at 4:30 in the afternoon. I'm damned sure she would have been concerned about me spending the night. "It's not really any of her business" he argued. "I agree, but your kid is capable of telling stories, you know." The excuse that I was too tired to drive home wouldn't hold a lot of water either as I live about 0.5 miles away. Yep. These are things I think about. Hulk may need some work on his Emotional IQ, another reason I couldn't seriously date him.
I did tease him about being a tease. I told him "Next time" and headed for the door. I stopped and went back for more kissing before committing to the decision to extricate myself from this. "Next time." I said again as I left. I watched his porch light go out and I headed home.
Hubby's sex with _____ (Seriously, I can't remember this one's real name. She plays roller derby, that's all I can remember.) was reportedly "neat-o". Post being dumped, I'm happy that he had that. On the other hand, I'm bummed. Society has lead me to believe that sex should come easily for women when they want it. Apparently not when they are looking for it. Maybe I should try a less aggressive approach, put up a new picture on OkC... I dunno. It's hard to not get a little bummed out. On the other hand, part of hubby's success is his feminist ideals and genuine respect for women. That's a harder to find and I lose my interest pretty darn quick if it's not there. Men can instantly become less attractive when they open their mouths or post some obnoxious opinion on their Facebook wall. Things change quickly for him and they have the potential to do the same for me.
Saturday morning: I woke after 3 hours of sleep and a dream about the hot IT guy from work coming onto me. He was sitting next to me talking and without warning or explanation he tilted his head and moved closer and closer to my face until his lips were brushing against mine as he talked. When I opened my mouth to protest, (Stop! My friend has a crush on you!) he started kissing me. It was way hot in my dream and I doubt he's nearly that smooth in real life. Who is? That was a Hollywood kiss right there. My brain must be trying to reassure me and I thank it for that. It also lead me to immediately text my friend who's crushing on him and confess. She was cool. Said that someone should be dreaming about him and wanted to know details. She's a down to Earth super cool friend and she totally deserves this guy. I want them to hook up. But if she loses interest, she is to let me know. In response to my dream, I made this meme.
Plans for today include going back to bed and going out the that gay part of Big City for the Slutwalk. This will be a new experience for me!
Thursday night: I swear I think that just about everyone that saw me, complimented my hair! It was truly a good hair day! Something I rarely have. I switched back to pure coconut oil for antifrizz, that must be what did it! I was over the moon. The last 24 hours have given me the feedback that I'm fucking hot with nice teeth and great hair.
Friday night: I got up early-ish and headed to Hulk's. We had plans to participate in my community's annual night time bike ride, the Tour de LikeImmaGonnaTellYou. I got there early so we could grab some dinner. He was expecting his kid to be dropped off at 6pm. I arrived about 4:30. He came onto me, got me to peel of my bike shorts, got my shirt off, was making out with me... Then his head was on my chest again with that same sense of defeat. We talked about it. He was afraid that what happened last time (loss of erection) was going to happen again. I reassured him that we didn't have to have sex right now. By this time, we were expecting his ex-ish wife to show up with the kid in about an hour... talk about pressure to perform. I strongly encouraged him to not attempt sex right now. I guess I just want us to be set up for success. The failures do bother me. I internalize them a bit no matter what.
Throughout our conversations in the meantime, the following bits of information were revealed. Cue list format.
- He often has that problem the first time he has sex with someone.
- He has been dating someone else. He had the same problem with her the first time. The second time, they successfully slept together. He used a condom, I asked to be sure. I'm betting it was one of the ones I left there. If that's the case, I'm sure glad I did that. Maybe I need to drop off a box. (Fun fact: This has no potential of being serious. This is at least in part due to her inability to successfully deduce strategy for the game Plants Vs Zombies. Something I've literally seen toddlers successfully play.)
- His ex-wife has a history of getting jealous when knowing about his dating. She got on him about having a date stay the night with the kid there. She said he was teaching the kid bad morals since they are technically still married. Yikes! I'd hate to think what she'd have to say about my morals! Complicating that, we are in the same profession, she having graduated a year after me from the same nursing program, but works at rival hospital across town. There is a chance that I could one day have to see her professionally if she were to jump ship and come to our side.
I decided that perhaps the best way to handle the ex-ish wife situation is to be gone when she arrives with the kid. I plan to order food and go pick it up. I'm punching things into the Jimmy John's app for pick up and he looks up. "Oh shit, she's here!" 'Okay, how do you want to handle this?" He asked me to hang out in the bedroom and went outside to meet her. I felt like Bob Loblaw ("I shall hide behind the couch.") Sitting there alone I thought to myself, "This would have been way less weird if I had just waved and smiled." She knows that I'm married and that we have mutual friends. She is not likely to think this is weird. She did ask him whose truck was in his driveway. He told her. She seemed fine. Oh well, live and learn to lie better. Sigh. I really hate that part of it.
We got dinner, picked up some supplies, decorated our bikes and headed up to the ride. It was a nice ride. The weather was perfect for a night time bicycle ride. We started at the back of the pack and made a leisurely trek on the 15 mile route. It was quite pleasant. I'm always one of the last to finish, but I don't mind. People sit out on the route and cheer on the riders as they go by. I wasn't in as bad of shape as I thought and I didn't even get really winded. The route is mostly flat, so that's nice. I considered sneaking a kiss out in public like that, but when I got home and saw how many of my Facebook friends were also on the ride, I was glad that I didn't. It's not like when I'm with NMB and I have to really work to keep my hands and lips to myself. I'm starting to think of Hulk as more of a friend that I care about, like to cuddle with and kiss and might possibly, maybe, I dunno, have sex with someday. The nice thing about poly is that it has room to be whatever it can be. We rode past my in-laws and I waved enthusiastically to them. We rode past the street I grew up on, down the hill I rode my bike down as a kid, past my grade school, near my grandma's house, and past my current residence. The unfamiliar car out front told me that Hubby was having a successful date of his own with a woman he just talked to on Thursday afternoon. After the ride, his text told me that his numbers have been increased to 7. All of his post marital successes have been on the first date. Sigh. I honestly can't keep track of all of them anymore. I think this is the 20 year old. I haven't asked for details yet. I find that I do better with that when some time has passed.
When we got back to Hulk's house, he put his daughter to bed and came onto me again. It wasn't hard, staring at him walking around shirtless is certainly a nice enough sight to get me interested. However, I felt that again, we would be setting ourselves up for failure. I like dick and all, but I'm not about to go down there after a 15 mile bike ride, nor would I want him heading that way on me. Also, the fact that his kid was sleeping in his bed meant that we would be relegated to the couch. There are no doors in his WIP home and I'm loud. He said I could stay the night. Right, haha! Ex-ish wife may not have been concerned that I was over there at 4:30 in the afternoon. I'm damned sure she would have been concerned about me spending the night. "It's not really any of her business" he argued. "I agree, but your kid is capable of telling stories, you know." The excuse that I was too tired to drive home wouldn't hold a lot of water either as I live about 0.5 miles away. Yep. These are things I think about. Hulk may need some work on his Emotional IQ, another reason I couldn't seriously date him.
I did tease him about being a tease. I told him "Next time" and headed for the door. I stopped and went back for more kissing before committing to the decision to extricate myself from this. "Next time." I said again as I left. I watched his porch light go out and I headed home.
Hubby's sex with _____ (Seriously, I can't remember this one's real name. She plays roller derby, that's all I can remember.) was reportedly "neat-o". Post being dumped, I'm happy that he had that. On the other hand, I'm bummed. Society has lead me to believe that sex should come easily for women when they want it. Apparently not when they are looking for it. Maybe I should try a less aggressive approach, put up a new picture on OkC... I dunno. It's hard to not get a little bummed out. On the other hand, part of hubby's success is his feminist ideals and genuine respect for women. That's a harder to find and I lose my interest pretty darn quick if it's not there. Men can instantly become less attractive when they open their mouths or post some obnoxious opinion on their Facebook wall. Things change quickly for him and they have the potential to do the same for me.
Saturday morning: I woke after 3 hours of sleep and a dream about the hot IT guy from work coming onto me. He was sitting next to me talking and without warning or explanation he tilted his head and moved closer and closer to my face until his lips were brushing against mine as he talked. When I opened my mouth to protest, (Stop! My friend has a crush on you!) he started kissing me. It was way hot in my dream and I doubt he's nearly that smooth in real life. Who is? That was a Hollywood kiss right there. My brain must be trying to reassure me and I thank it for that. It also lead me to immediately text my friend who's crushing on him and confess. She was cool. Said that someone should be dreaming about him and wanted to know details. She's a down to Earth super cool friend and she totally deserves this guy. I want them to hook up. But if she loses interest, she is to let me know. In response to my dream, I made this meme.
Plans for today include going back to bed and going out the that gay part of Big City for the Slutwalk. This will be a new experience for me!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
I Can See Your Warning Signs. You Might Consider Dimming Them
Speaking as a nurse with a limited psychiatric background, this message reeks of crazy and douchebaggery (It's a word now, The Oatmeal says so. Actually, I think that once it's been spelled out in hundreds of thousands of dollars it is officially a word. So there!)
Just take a gander at this gem and enjoy my commentary.
I don't mind silly. I'm wary, but open at this point. I'm not turned off yet, he has a chance.
Oh, okay, this is a creatively written message. I can forgive the grammar and the overuse of ellipses, as I often overuse ellipses...
That's a compliment. It's not terrible. It's not great.
Here is the record scratching turning point. Now I'm leery.
Clever and cute wording there, but let's read on...
What.
Really? You are going to proclaim to me in an opening message that you are going to give me the best orgasms ever? That might work on someone who isn't having multiple fantastic orgasms all the time, but not on me. I'm super happy that you are a fan of giving. My husband and boyfriend are too and they've never had to proclaim this to me or anyone. In fact, I'm going to take this as proper evidence that you are not good in bed. Ladies and gentlemen of the blog-o-sphere did you catch the finest nugget of douchebaggery hidden inside these few sentences? I'm using the word sentences loosely. The finest nugget of douchebaggery is the fact that this guy thinks that once the clothes are off, he no longer has to worry about "going too far". This sounds like date rape. It's a bright red flag waving in the wind that says "DATE RAPIST: NAKED=CONSENT" I'm concerned. This makes me revisit his confidence in nakedness and question exactly what he means by confidence. I'd delve further into it, but I don't know his real name to search for in the sex offender database. Seriously? This guy thinks I'm an idiot and I think he's an asshole.
This is the part where I'm supposed to say, "I could give him a great BJ." and endeavor to prove myself right by scrambling to get to his cock as soon as possible. Puh-lease!
So... am I supposed to be flattered that you are interested in my fat ass? Fat chicks suck better cock?
Is this an approach like DK used and your secret attraction to "chubby girls" is supposed to make me feel special and let you come in my mouth? I'm genuinely confused by this remark. What is the purpose?
Oh, you are worth a look alright. You are worth a psychiatric evaluation and script for anti-psychotics, maybe a little therapy and behavior correction. As for me, I'm still considering how exactly to respond to this, if I respond at all. I don't want to be an Internet bully, beyond ripping him to shreds with his identity concealed on my anonymous blog that no one reads, but I do want to say something to him. It's likely for the best if I don't do this. I don't need to teach him to conceal his red flags.
This is the stuff that makes OkC so worth the experiment. Well, and sometimes you get lucky and find NMB. I guess I'm realizing just how rare it is to find that sparkly connection with someone you enjoy being around. As frustrated as I am that dating seems to have stalled for me at the moment, I take solace in the fact that I have an ongoing secondary relationship that I enjoy and can count on to continue. Not to mention Hubby, who told me several times at work last night that he would like to drag me off somewhere and do dirty things to me. The abundance of psychos on OkC only serves to remind me to be appreciative of what I have. I also have to remind myself that what I have is more than what most people have and I'm having it honestly and as openly as I dare. It's making me a better person. Which is something I will analyze in a future post.
Just take a gander at this gem and enjoy my commentary.
Hi... In trying to figure out how to talk to you. I generally edit bc I tend to go as far as I can in silliness...
I don't mind silly. I'm wary, but open at this point. I'm not turned off yet, he has a chance.
Anyhow if I was at target and I over heard you talking to someone similar to that which you write... And well... potentially think... Then I would think... " She's cool..."
Oh, okay, this is a creatively written message. I can forgive the grammar and the overuse of ellipses, as I often overuse ellipses...
I'd try to be sneaky and sneak a look... Then I would think... "my kind of hot..."
That's a compliment. It's not terrible. It's not great.
I just moved to STL... There are a lot of cool things to do here... There are a lot of cool people to do here...
Here is the record scratching turning point. Now I'm leery.
But that's not a point as much as fun with wording. I would like to meet you for a $4 coffee or a $5 craft beer... And an opportunity to flirt... To hopefully arouse your interests...
Clever and cute wording there, but let's read on...
To well get your clothes off of you... I find that I get really confident once clothes are off...
What.
At that point i'm like "sweet now I don't have to worry about going too far... Now I can concentrate on her having the best and most orgasms ever". I'm a fan of giving.
Really? You are going to proclaim to me in an opening message that you are going to give me the best orgasms ever? That might work on someone who isn't having multiple fantastic orgasms all the time, but not on me. I'm super happy that you are a fan of giving. My husband and boyfriend are too and they've never had to proclaim this to me or anyone. In fact, I'm going to take this as proper evidence that you are not good in bed. Ladies and gentlemen of the blog-o-sphere did you catch the finest nugget of douchebaggery hidden inside these few sentences? I'm using the word sentences loosely. The finest nugget of douchebaggery is the fact that this guy thinks that once the clothes are off, he no longer has to worry about "going too far". This sounds like date rape. It's a bright red flag waving in the wind that says "DATE RAPIST: NAKED=CONSENT" I'm concerned. This makes me revisit his confidence in nakedness and question exactly what he means by confidence. I'd delve further into it, but I don't know his real name to search for in the sex offender database. Seriously? This guy thinks I'm an idiot and I think he's an asshole.
I don't keep score... But I think I have an over achiever complex with turning a lady out so to speak... I heard somewhere that it's because I used to be overweight. (they try harder). Which would explain why I never had a great BJ.
This is the part where I'm supposed to say, "I could give him a great BJ." and endeavor to prove myself right by scrambling to get to his cock as soon as possible. Puh-lease!
I dated a lot of skinny women.
So... am I supposed to be flattered that you are interested in my fat ass? Fat chicks suck better cock?
Is this an approach like DK used and your secret attraction to "chubby girls" is supposed to make me feel special and let you come in my mouth? I'm genuinely confused by this remark. What is the purpose?
Anyhow I'm worth a look. : ). If anything I'm really awesome at oral
Oh, you are worth a look alright. You are worth a psychiatric evaluation and script for anti-psychotics, maybe a little therapy and behavior correction. As for me, I'm still considering how exactly to respond to this, if I respond at all. I don't want to be an Internet bully, beyond ripping him to shreds with his identity concealed on my anonymous blog that no one reads, but I do want to say something to him. It's likely for the best if I don't do this. I don't need to teach him to conceal his red flags.
This is the stuff that makes OkC so worth the experiment. Well, and sometimes you get lucky and find NMB. I guess I'm realizing just how rare it is to find that sparkly connection with someone you enjoy being around. As frustrated as I am that dating seems to have stalled for me at the moment, I take solace in the fact that I have an ongoing secondary relationship that I enjoy and can count on to continue. Not to mention Hubby, who told me several times at work last night that he would like to drag me off somewhere and do dirty things to me. The abundance of psychos on OkC only serves to remind me to be appreciative of what I have. I also have to remind myself that what I have is more than what most people have and I'm having it honestly and as openly as I dare. It's making me a better person. Which is something I will analyze in a future post.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
How to Teach a Less Experienced Sex Partner
I've been Googling to seek advice on this topic and have come up empty handed. I've found plenty of information about teen sex and how to be the less experienced sex partner (all written toward women) but I've not been able to find one decent article on how to teach someone with less experience. Perhaps I am not Googling the right set of words, but I don't know where else to look. There's probably something in the Savage Love archives somewhere, but it doesn't appear to be searchable so I'm still at a loss. What to do? I suppose I will attempt to write on article with the advice I expect to see and as I learn how to teach, I will revise this piece as necessary to reflect the knowledge I learn.
The reason I am seeking this advice in the first place is that I need some help with my Hulk situation. The last time I went over to his place for pizza, TV and cuddling, I was really hoping I'd finally get a chance to have sex with him. I wasn't sure as he was dealing with some hang-ups about me not being on birth control. I was happy to hear that he was over this, but he admitted that he is inexperienced with condoms and is nervous about knowing how to use them. This wasn't a problem, as I sucked his dick until he was plenty hard and I put the condom on. Then he lost his erection after about 15 seconds of actual sex. He felt really bad about this and kept attempting to get it back up by making out some more and getting me turned on again, only to fail again. This was extremely frustrating. He offered to pleasure me with his fingers, but nothing was said about oral stimulation. I have work to do. Sigh. I have a lot of work to do. The problem is, I don't really know how to do it. He has the right attitude, he has asked me to teach him. That's a start. I just don't know how to go about doing that as the more submissive sex partner. And he definitely wants me more submissive, when I've been on top of him making out, it makes him uncomfortable and he quickly changes position so he is in control. I normally like this very much, but I'm not sure how to assume a teaching role from that standpoint.
With all of this in mind, and the lack of resources on the subject, here is what I would expect to find if I could find the advice I am seeking.
Be Patient
Don't expect your new less experienced lover to pick up everything in one night. Remember that you were once less experienced too. You didn't always suck cock like you do now. You probably weren't always willing to do all the weird things you do now. You may have to let them know what you expect of them. For example, I expect a lover of mine to give, as well as receive, oral sex. I will make this expectation clear.
Use Available Resources
If your partner is truly willing to learn, don't be afraid to give them a book to lead them in the right direction. This lets them take a proactive stance and learn on their own. Hopefully they'll put forth the effort and be willing to practice their new skills with pride and some degree of confidence. If you suggest a book and they decline or seem offended, then you probably aren't going to get where you hope to go and may want to consider giving up or accepting sloppy inexperienced sex for the length of the relationship. Don't use porn as a resource.
Point Out the Things You Enjoy Before Giving Advice on How to Do Things Better
Use good communication techniques when you are giving advice. Say things like "I like it when you do x, but I might enjoy it more if you did it this way." Make sure to tell them when they are doing things right. Words are great, but using moans and body language can be just as effective. Even so, using words will reinforce that you aren't faking it.
Communicate
This was partially covered above, but bears repeating here. Don't be afraid to speak about anything, just be nice about it. Be encouraging, but don't suffer through something that hurts or has no feeling because you are afraid to speak up. If their ego is so fragile it can't handle talking about the sex you are having, you shouldn't be having sex with that person.
The reason I am seeking this advice in the first place is that I need some help with my Hulk situation. The last time I went over to his place for pizza, TV and cuddling, I was really hoping I'd finally get a chance to have sex with him. I wasn't sure as he was dealing with some hang-ups about me not being on birth control. I was happy to hear that he was over this, but he admitted that he is inexperienced with condoms and is nervous about knowing how to use them. This wasn't a problem, as I sucked his dick until he was plenty hard and I put the condom on. Then he lost his erection after about 15 seconds of actual sex. He felt really bad about this and kept attempting to get it back up by making out some more and getting me turned on again, only to fail again. This was extremely frustrating. He offered to pleasure me with his fingers, but nothing was said about oral stimulation. I have work to do. Sigh. I have a lot of work to do. The problem is, I don't really know how to do it. He has the right attitude, he has asked me to teach him. That's a start. I just don't know how to go about doing that as the more submissive sex partner. And he definitely wants me more submissive, when I've been on top of him making out, it makes him uncomfortable and he quickly changes position so he is in control. I normally like this very much, but I'm not sure how to assume a teaching role from that standpoint.
With all of this in mind, and the lack of resources on the subject, here is what I would expect to find if I could find the advice I am seeking.
Be Patient
Don't expect your new less experienced lover to pick up everything in one night. Remember that you were once less experienced too. You didn't always suck cock like you do now. You probably weren't always willing to do all the weird things you do now. You may have to let them know what you expect of them. For example, I expect a lover of mine to give, as well as receive, oral sex. I will make this expectation clear.
Use Available Resources
If your partner is truly willing to learn, don't be afraid to give them a book to lead them in the right direction. This lets them take a proactive stance and learn on their own. Hopefully they'll put forth the effort and be willing to practice their new skills with pride and some degree of confidence. If you suggest a book and they decline or seem offended, then you probably aren't going to get where you hope to go and may want to consider giving up or accepting sloppy inexperienced sex for the length of the relationship. Don't use porn as a resource.
Point Out the Things You Enjoy Before Giving Advice on How to Do Things Better
Use good communication techniques when you are giving advice. Say things like "I like it when you do x, but I might enjoy it more if you did it this way." Make sure to tell them when they are doing things right. Words are great, but using moans and body language can be just as effective. Even so, using words will reinforce that you aren't faking it.
Communicate
This was partially covered above, but bears repeating here. Don't be afraid to speak about anything, just be nice about it. Be encouraging, but don't suffer through something that hurts or has no feeling because you are afraid to speak up. If their ego is so fragile it can't handle talking about the sex you are having, you shouldn't be having sex with that person.
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