This Message Makes Me Want to Commit Immature and Hurtful Acts

I have previously mentioned Gathering, my former friend of 10 years who divorced us when he couldn't wrap his head around poly.  Not only could he not wrap his head around it, but he took it as a great moral insult to himself and the institution of marriage.  When I casually dated Hulk, a mutual friend, a few times, he decided that he could no longer be our friend.  Well, my friend anyway.  He's never really stopped talking to Hulk.  I guess his behavior is forgivable.  I'm a foul temptress who attempted to seduce him.  He's the hapless man following his penis.  Grrr...

I recently attempted to reconnect with Gathering.  I know he's had some life changes including getting his own place for the first time.  I messaged him and offered some kitchen items that I was no longer needing.  He replied kindly.  I replied and suggested that we be friends again.  Holy shit that was apparently the wrong thing to do.  I got back a long long message detailing why he can't do that. 

Essentially, he states that he cannot be our friend.  He wouldn't go out of his way to avoid us if he saw us somewhere.  In fact, he knows that he is likely to run into us at a local gaming con next month.  Those encounters will have to be dealt with, but he cannot be our friend.  What follows is the meat of the message which reveals that apparently he had issues with our friendship before poly was a twinkle in our eyes. 

I cannot at this time find it in myself to go back to how things were. Everything is still too fresh and hurting. It is not only the issues I have (which we have went into ad nauseum) it is also a series of awkward and upsetting times I have seen you or Hubby over this year. They have made me too upset, too hurt, and reached meltdown point multiple times. And I cannot deal with a pursuit of another such scenario. I apologize for the melodrama, but I have spent too many days, nights, and weekends being so upset over our friendship that it isn't healthy for me to go forward and give it another shot. All of those things still happened. I still felt sick to my stomach due to our interactions, I still stressed myself out to point of breakdown over all of it, and I still got so upset that I completely lost it. I have had enough big changes in my life recently that I don't need to do anything hasty nor potentially self-damaging, and I'm afraid that our friendship (you, me, and Hubby) has become a damaging affair over this past year or so.

The fact that our friendship was causing him emotional turmoil long before poly broke it, is enlightening.  How the hell could I have fixed that?  There were numerous occasions where Gathering was obviously faking an illness and excused himself from our social affairs, but I had no idea that his anxiety was directed towards Hubby and I specifically and I have no idea why.  Still don't and I probably never will.  How can I, if he won't tell me?

He goes on to tell me that he knows it's hypocritical for him to continue to talk to Hulk.

I should also state now for sheer sake of information and sharing that I have talked to Hulk some recently over text, dealing almost exclusively in Magic the Gathering along with a little chit chat. Now while it could very understandably be seen as hypocritical of me that I am giving that friendship another try, and I don’t blame you if you do as there is some hypocrisy, it also stands that there has only been one awkward and weird situation with him, while there were many others with the two of you. It also helps that when I will see him this Friday night, it will be at a tournament. If things end up awkward there are another 20 – 40 people to talk to, XXXX will also be there, which always helps, and we can always default talk about Magic instead of anything serious. I just wanted to disclose that now. I really don’t wish to argue, I don’t wish to add emotional turmoil in your life, especially now that you are pregnant. I just had to let it be said, there is a double standard there, and even still it may fail amazingly so.

Wow.  These are some serious social anxiety issues we are talking about.  Yes.  This is hypocrisy for sure.  I also don't think it's fair to count up the awkward and weird situations with me and Hubby when we were not aware of them.  How many were there?  How many of Gathering's stomachaches were real and how many were because we made him feel weird and awkward?  Who knows?  Only him, I suppose.  Which makes this friendship and it's loss totally out of my control.

I had also hoped many times that interactions with you and Hubby would get better each time and they failed, even after very good, healthy and fun conversations through text or Facebook. So it will be the litmus test on Friday. Anyways I have rambled on WAY to much about this aside…

Whoa.  Hard to change my behavior to save a friendship when I didn't even know that I was doing something hurtful.  This is both the most hurtful part of the message, but also the most vindicating.  He was expecting things to get better by not talking about them and was disappointed when nothing changed when he never aired his feelings.  This friendship was doomed.  There was nothing I could do.  Choosing to become poly had little to do with it ending. 

What he doesn't know about this upcoming con, is that it's not only likely that Hubby and I will be there, but also that my boyfriend and his family will be there.  Right now, in my hurt and hormonal little brain, the thought of making out with NMB where Gathering can see is a very satisfying, but a very immature and inappropriate response.  I'm sure I'll be over it by then.  That said, this con is somewhere that we can potentially be more public with our affections and I don't intend to hold back to spare the feelings of someone who no longer wishes to have me in his life.  It's not like he'll say anything, anyway.  (Ouch)

That said, last year at this gaming con, Gathering was totally in his element. We borrowed games, learned them quickly and played.  He was our master of ceremonies, our leader of the gaming table.  We had much fun that afternoon.  I miss his company, truly, but he no longer sees me as an acceptable friend and I don't even know for sure why.  Therefore, I must move on.