My Pancreas is a Dick

It's a little late in the pregnancy to be diagnosed, but it's true.  I have gestational diabetes.  Sigh.  Despite the fact that I'm a nurse, I don't know what this means yet.  I know that GD lends to larger babies.  I know that I will have to find a diet soda that I can live with.  I know that I won't be able to sit down with a whole sleeve of Thin Mints like I planned.  I know that my pregnancy is no longer a normal pregnancy and that I likely won't be allowed to go past my due date.  I know that I will have to eat small and frequent meals and avoid carbs and sugars.  I know that I will have to get past my hatred of sugar substitutes.  I know that I will have to check my blood sugar multiple times a day and that if I can't control it with diet, I'll be placed on an oral anti-diabetic.  I know that checking your blood sugar hurts. I know that I have no idea what I'll eat and that I have a hard enough time feeding myself now with no restrictions on my diet.  I know that my husband is good at this kind of stuff and that he'll help me.  I know that he'll also drive me crazy by telling me what I can't eat.  I know that I've shed a few tears over this, but the big cry is probably coming.  I also know that the ICU patient who lost her baby at 32 weeks would switch places with me in a heartbeat so I should suck it up and be thankful I still have a healthy baby growing inside of me.

And still, I'm mourning.  I'm mourning the loss of my healthy body.  I'm mourning the loss of ice cream and M&M's.  I'm mourning the loss of my freedom to eat whatever I want.  I'm mourning the fact that I no longer have chocolate as a legitimate coping mechanism.  I'm mourning the loss of the near perfect pregnancy that I had up until now.  I'm worried that this makes my chances of an intervention-free natural delivery less likely.  This makes me less likely to want to be pregnant again in the future.  It makes my thoughts of possibly being a surrogate less than ideal.

I realize that having GD for one pregnancy, doesn't mean I'll have it for others.  Apparently, my mom only had it for one of her four pregnancies.  I know that it does make it much more likely that I'll have it with subsequent pregnancies and that I'll develop type II diabetes later in life.  Despite the fact that I'm not hugely overweight, I'm fairly active and I have no family history of diabetes, I'm now at risk for being a diabetic forever.  If I get pregnant again in the future, I'll be screened for it much earlier and thus have much longer to deal with the consequences.

I'm resentful that this happens after it took so long to get pregnant in the first place.  I'm resentful that I waited until later in life and if I had kids sooner, I may not have had this happen.  I feel guilty for feeling resentful instead of just being happy that I have a healthy baby.

I've never before had to face a health problem that had real and serious consequences that demanded immediate life change.  I don't like this.  I don't like it one bit.  I cried while making a healthy snack last night, serious tears and sobs while spreading peanut butter on a whole wheat English muffin.  It was a tasty snack, but I cried anyway.